by Andrew Neufeld | Jan 11, 2018 | Counselling, Motivation
For whatever reason, whenever I think about motivation, I think about the Sprite commercial from the late 90’s that had some very macho-looking basketball players named Freight Train, Pablo, and Mo-T, with hard-hitting dialogue, interrupted by the director calling, “Cut,” to say that the Sprite can is upside down. Mo-T tells the director off, saying he’d played Hamlet at Cambridge, Pablo complains that once again the director has ruined his concentration, and Freight Train asks the question, “Excuse me, what’s my motivation?” The commercial ends with the tagline, “Image is nothing. Thirst is everything. Obey your thirst.”
Now, clearly, the marketing folks knew what they were doing because I remember this commercial almost 20 years after the fact, and it’s stuck with me. This is somewhat disconcerting because I don’t like to think that I fall prey to marketing because, well, I’m too smart for that. Apparently not. To top it off, all they were trying to do was sell some drinks. So what does this have to do with me, as a Registered Clinical Counsellor and more importantly, what does it have to do with my counselling or coaching clients or anyone else who might be reading our blog this week?
I started thinking about this article over the Christmas break because I knew that the New Year’s resolution discussions were inevitable. Clients would come into the counselling room with all sorts of changes they wanted to make, blogs would be full of articles titled, “How to Make Your New Year’s Resolutions Work in 2018,” and inevitably, products would launch promising to make our dreams come true and help us stick to all of our newfound resolutions. Well, research has shown that New Year’s resolutions don’t stick, and they don’t work for most people. There’s plenty of opinions as to why this might be, and certainly a plethora of articles suggesting how to make sure yours works this year.
My opinion, however, is that most of our resolutions fail because they are tied to an image of ourselves that we want to attain. If only I shed those 20 pounds of weight; if only I was in better shape; if only I could sing better; if only I made more money; and so on and so forth. In other words, if only I could make these changes, and project this image, I’d be a better person, or perhaps more like, and then I’d feel worthwhile.
I have one question for you at the start of this year – and that is, what are you thirsting for? But not in the sense of your image, like how you want to look, how much you want to weigh, or how much more money you want to make at your job; rather, I want to know who you want to be. See, I believe resolutions fail because they are aimed at images of ourselves that automatically tell us we’re not good enough, rather than being aimed at who we want to be and how we want to interact with the world, informed by the knowledge that we are good enough just as we are.
So what are you thirsting after? Who do you want to be this year? How do you want to be defined as a human being, and ultimately, as one who is worthy, and deserving of being loved? I have an exercise for you. I sort of stole it from Mike Mawhorter from Ladner Baptist Church, and I’m not sure who he stole it from. I’ve changed it a bit to fit our purposes here. I’d like you to pick one word that you want to define you this year; to define your pursuits and to define how you interact with the world and ultimately, to define who you are. I’ll give you an example from my own life.
Last year, I picked the word integrity. I decided that I wanted everything I did in 2017 to be defined by and to flow out of integrity. Being a perfectionist by nature, I’m well aware of my shortcomings and areas I’ve failed at this. All in all, however, as I look back on 2017 I am surprised by how helpful this exercise was in three key areas, and I hope they are helpful to you. Picking a word to represent who we want to be, and how we want to operate, allows us to:
- Have a metric by which to make decisions. It’s simplistic but effective. As opportunities come up, or decisions are to be made, we can ask ourselves the question, “Does this get me closer to who I want to be, or further away? If it’s the former, go for it; if it’s the latter, say no and don’t do it.
- Keep the focus away from the image and toward our intrinsic values and desires, or the things we are thirsting after.
- Be motivated by the things that truly matter to us. If we are thirsting after something, our motivation is high. If we simply want to maintain a particular image or lose 20lbs because it’s a good idea, we’re probably not going to stick to it. If, however, we want to lose 20lbs because we want to be healthy, treat ourselves well, and be there for our kids as they grow up, we’ve got a better shot at it.
As I reflect on 2017 and move into 2018, I’m excited. I’m excited for what we’re doing here at Alongside You, I’m excited that we’re going to help more people this year than we have in the years combined since we opened, and I’m excited because if this works, those of you reading this will become closer and closer to a self-definition and motivation that is focused on who you want to be, rather than what you want to do, and reinforcing of the truth that you are valuable, worthy, and deserving of love, just as you are.
“IMAGE IS NOTHING. THIRST IS EVERYTHING.”
So, pick a word that you want to define who you are in 2018. Thirst after it, be motivated by it, and I wish you all the success in the world as you journey toward a deeper sense of self-compassion and self-love this year. You are worth it.
If our team at Alongside You can be of any help as you forge ahead in 2018, please contact us, we’d love to hear from you.
by Kezia Evelyn | Jan 2, 2018 | Counselling
During the holiday season, there are many commercials that pull our attention to items we may want or need, each product or item promising to make our lives easier and better. One of my favourite commercials is the Ikea commercial where the woman is advertising the “deals,” she is getting, and as the car is loaded up with her purchases, she yells to her partner, “Start the car! Start the car!” Essentially, she is communicating let’s go before they find out we got these items at a ‘steal of a price.’
This Ikea commercial reminds me of counselling. Clients come in with a list of concerns and problems, needing relief from pain, as well as desiring a better life. Let’s face it, who doesn’t want this? Sometimes individuals know what they want, and other times they may need someone to walk alongside them to clarify their goals. Sometimes it’s a mixture of both. And sometimes you leave the store with more items than you actually wanted – but didn’t know you needed!
Counselling can be the same way. Sometimes you know what you want to discuss, and other times you only know that something is missing and you just do not know what it is just yet. This is where talking with a counselling professional can be helpful. Yet, counselling is not without risk nor is it without reward. The risk may be coming in and talking with someone for the first time; it may be being vulnerable, learning to trust someone; it may be admitting that your life is not Instagram perfect – despite what the pictures reveal. The risk in counselling can leave us feeling open and fearful that someone may know the ‘real me.’ Yet when we increase our capacity of awareness and have someone safe alongside the journey, someone who accepts you as you are, the path may seem more bearable to make changes, gain confidence, and forge forward.
Individuals and families have the opportunity to leave with mental clarity, heart-wholeness, and awareness of themselves and others that pays dividends in their lives. It’s a steal of a deal! My hope is that in the year to come, you’ll give yourself, and your family the gift of being known, living whole, and creating meaningful lives.
Although I cannot see Ikea opening a counselling office for their shoppers, I can see hope for individuals, families, and communities as we shop for mind and heart essentials. Connect with me if you would like to go over your shopping list for your life!
Kezia is a Canadian Certified Counsellor with Alongside You in Delta, B.C. where she serves children to become more resilient, adults to strengthen their relationships, and families to grow their connections, all in the hopes to bring freedom and healing from pain, disillusionment, and addictions. She is also an avid shopper for fashion accessories (purses, shoes, and fashion), adventure (flying planes, live sporting events, and food), and life essentials (love, joy, and connection)
by Richard Somerset | Dec 7, 2017 | Case Studies, Counselling
Narrative Therapy and Re-Authoring
Many titles have been heaped upon the late Michael White for his development of Narrative Therapy, ranging from genius to prophet to guru. These titles, I believe, provide a framework for the impact that his work has meant to the field of psychology and therapy. He has created a forum for individuals to reclaim their sense of identity and purpose and to begin to live into a new story. As Alan Carr writes, “within a narrative frame, human problems are viewed as arising from and being maintained by oppressive stories which dominate a person’s life. Human problems occur when the way in which people’s lives are storied by themselves and others does not significantly fit with their lived experience…Developing therapeutic solutions to problems, within the narrative frame, involves opening space for the authoring of alternative stories, the possibility of which have previously been marginalized by the dominant oppressive narrative which maintains the problem” (Carr, 1998, p. 486).
A critical component of narrative therapy is the concept of externalizing the problem whereby the person objectifies or personifies the problem as a separate entity from the individual. In doing so, the person is able to “separate from the dominant story that has been shaping their lives and relationships” (White, 1988/9, p.7). When persons are able to externalize the problems they are then able to identify times when their experience contradicts the problem (White, 1988/9, p. 16). In the end, the problem becomes the problem allowing the person’s identity to become separate. The problem no longer represents the truth about who the person is and this realization unleashes incredible opportunity for hope and resolutions to occur as the person is able to step back and view the situation from a less personal and problem saturated perspective (White, 2007, p. 9). Carl Tomm suggests that externalizing the problem provides, “a linguistic separation of the distinction of the problem from the personal identity of the [person]. It opens ‘conceptual space’ for [people] to take more effective initiatives to escape the influence of the problem in their lives (Tomm, 1989, p. 54). Externalizing the problem and then becoming aware of ‘unique outcomes’ where the client finds that their life is no longer tied to these negative conclusions allows them to begin the process of re-authoring their story (White, 2007, p. 27).
Re-Authoring
The process of re-authoring allows a client suffering from substance abuse to begin to develop their story but to integrate significant unique outcomes that were out of step with the dominant storyline. These unique outcomes are the starting point for re-authoring. The therapist can support the client in exploring alternative storylines by having the client “…recruit their lived experience, to stretch their minds, to exercise their imagination, and to employ their meaning-making resources” (White, 2007, p. 62). In so doing, the client engages more deeply into their alternative stories and begins to root their storyline in a new history and perspective which establishes a new foundation for them to address their externalized problem. As the client steps to becoming the author of their life, they begin to play with the terms Jerome Bruner coined ‘landscape of action’ and ‘landscape of consciousness’ which, “…bring specificity to the understanding of people’s participation in meaning-making within the context of narrative frames” (White, 2007, p. 80). Michael White found that landscape of consciousness encountered too much confusion so he reframed the term to become the landscape of identity which, I believe, aptly describes what occurs when one re-authors their story and renegotiates their own identity. Using landscape of action and landscape of identity allows the therapist to build a context, “in which it becomes possible for people to give meaning to, and draw together into a storyline, many of the overlooked but significant events of their lives” (White, 2007, p. 83) which are crucial for re-authoring.
In January we’re launching our Recovery and Aftercare programs, and we would love to work with you to re-write your story in your recovery. Please have a look at the program on our website, and we would love to hear from you!
References:
- Carr, A. (1998). Michael White’s Narrative Therapy. Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal, 20(4), 485-503.
- Tomm, K. (1989). Externalizing problems and internalizing personal agency. Journal of Strategic and Systemic Therapies,16-22.
- White, M. (2007). Maps of Narrative Practice. New York, W.W Norton and Company Inc
- White, Michael, 1998/9. The externalizing of the problem and the re-authoring of lives and relationships. Australia, Adelaide: Dulwich Center Review
by John Bablitz | Nov 16, 2017 | Counselling
You know those airline safety announcements where they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before your child’s?
There’s a reason they do that. Without us making sure we are safe first, we can’t guarantee the safety of our child. If they pass out, you can protect them. If you pass out, they cannot help you.
Being a parent isn’t just about giving your child everything they need all the time. It isn’t just about telling them to brush their teeth more. It isn’t just about giving them all the right answers, or making sure they’re doing their homework. It isn’t just about encouraging them to ask questions and explore their world, telling them they can do whatever they put their mind to – though these are all wonderful, beautiful things. Being a parent is about being who you are. That’s who your child needs you to be.
Children need safety and security more than anything. They need to know, “I’m okay. Mom and Dad have got this. I can play and explore, and be everything I want, because I know I’m safe. I don’t need to worry.”
When they don’t know what to do in a situation, they look to you and wonder, “How is mom going to act here? What does she believe is important in the world? What are her priorities? How does Dad see himself? What does he care about?”
It’s the old classic line: do as I say, not as I do. We want the best for our children, because we love them. And we will make tremendous sacrifices to that end, which is an incredible testament to human love and attachment.
But, if we lose ourselves in the process, we can’t be the answers our children desperately need. We need to learn to take care of ourselves before our kids will internalize how important self-care is. Want your kids to brush their teeth at night? Brush alongside them. Care about your own health; not because you’re supposed to but because you genuinely believe that you’re worth taking care of (because you are!).
To be who you are means taking time for yourself. Time to rest, to reflect, to have fun, to connect with people you care about, to sort out what you believe about the world, to exercise – to learn and grow. To make yourself better and happier. Take a painting or cooking or music class if that’s what you’re into, even (actually, especially) if it feels like the world would end if you took just an hour for yourself. Go get a massage, or rehab for that old sports injury that’s been getting you down. If all of this seems like a fairy tale, I’d love to sit down and have a chat with you about it sometime. Parental guilt gets in the way of self-care a lot – and we give in. We say things like, “I can’t do that because my kid needs me,” or, “I can’t go get a massage because that’s selfish,” and more. What we model to our kids, and the resources we equip ourselves with matter.
When your kids see their parents loving themselves, they will love themselves too. They will grow up believing they’re worth something, just because we, who believe we are worth something, care so deeply about them.
Lastly, when you make time for yourself to grow, recover, and rest, the time you spend with your child, your partner, and your friends and family will be of such better quality. You will have more to give in that time. Even if the world is falling down around you, you will be able to cope better with that stress. If you’re the type who likes hard evidence for this type of stuff, I’d encourage you to check out the work of Dr. Dan Siegel, or check out this playlist of TED talks about the importance of self-care.
One other thing to remember, this is a lifelong journey – it’s not a quick fix. But taking the first few steps toward taking better care of yourself, or even just towards believing that you’re worth caring about – those are some of the best steps you can take. You will be really, really glad you did, and your kids will be better for it!
We know this is hard to do as parents, if we can be of any help as you walk through this, please give us a call, we’d love to help!
If you’d like to learn more, email me directly at john@alongsideyou.ca.
by Chantelle Phillips | Oct 13, 2017 | Counselling
Growing up I remember hearing colloquialisms such as “suck it up”, “rub some dirt in it”, or “laugh it off.” These phrases seem automatic and designed to negate any potentially uncomfortable discussion of how a person might truly feel in a given situation. For myself, this brings up concerns that we are teaching children how to repress and avoid their emotions. Do some of these phrases actually serve a purpose? Can someone really just “laugh it off,” if they are sad, hurt, or even depressed? The answer is no, but fear not, there is a time and place for humour!
Resiliency
Humour serves as an important tool to mediate embarrassment or discomfort, to distract, to entertain, and, apparently, to develop resiliency [1]. Although humour is the not the “cure-all,” answer to mental health, it can serve as a protective factor and help to develop resiliency. Protective factors simply refer to qualities, characteristics, or circumstances which allow a person to develop a support system of coping skills, resources, and people to rely on in times of need. In other words, think of humour as a preventative tool in your tool belt; humour may not fix a situation, but it may help to mediate some of the more negative effects.
Trauma
Trauma is becoming much more of a frequent topic of conversation, news media, and professional circles. It seems that the main topic surrounds why some people react differently to the same or similar experiences. Why do two soldiers return from the same combat zone, having had similar experiences, but only one soldier experiences post-traumatic stress?
There is now talk of something called post-traumatic growth (PTG), which is a phenomenon where people are able to grow in positive ways after experiencing trauma [2]. Of course, this phenomenon has those of us in the mental health field wondering how we can predict PTG and what we can do preventively to resource people before they experience trauma. What factors buffer the potentially devastating impact of trauma? While it’s a complex question without one answer, humour can be a resource. Humour can be a tool through which people are able to view a painful reality with a defiant attitude and a bit of a buffer [2]. Humour has the unique capacity to transform a negative situation into something positive; however, there needs to be an understanding that humour is multidimensional and not all humour elicits positive effects [2].
Benefits for Counselling
There are four types of humour: affiliative, self-enhancing, aggressive, and self-defeating. Whereas benign types of humour, such as affiliative and self-enhancing have shown positive effects in lowering incidence rates of depression, anxiety, and stress, aggressive and self-defeating humour has shown to have negative effects [2]. Affiliative humour refers to the tendency to say funny things, tell jokes, and exchange witty banter, whereas self-enhancing references a humourous outlook on life [3]. One study by Sirigatti and colleagues (2017) has shown positive correlations between self-enhancing humour and overall life satisfaction, self-esteem, optimism, happiness, and psychological well-being.
So we have determined that like all things there is a balance. Some types of humour can create a more positive mindset and overall feeling, while more negative, self-deprecating humour does the opposite (Gladding, Wallace, & J, 2016). Some humour can hurt instead of fostering healing [4]. However, let’s focus on the positive. There is some truth in the saying “laughter is the best medicine.” Although laughter definitely is not “medicine,” nor a curative remedy, it leads to strengthening physical and mental well-being and is positively correlated to longevity. Humour can help with the constructive expression of strong feelings, offer perspective and balance, and assist in coping [4].
In conclusion, no, you can’t just “laugh it off,” but like with anything in life, our outlook can greatly affect how we deal with the obstacles that arise. Can positivity and optimism really hurt too much? If you’re having a tough day, week, or even if you’re not, just remember to take a second to enjoy yourself and laugh.
Q: What do you call a cow on a trampoline?
A: A milkshake!
References
[1] Tucker, T. M. (2017). Resilience development through humor. Dissertation Abstracts International, 78.
[2] Boerner, M., Joseph, S., & Murphy, D. (2017). The association between sense of humor and trauma-related mental health outcomes: Two exploratory studies. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 22(5), 440-452. doi:10.1080/15325024.2017.1310504
[3] Gladding, S. T., Wallace, D., & J, M. (2016). Promoting beneficial humor in counselling: A way of helping counselors help clients. Journal of Creativity in Mental Health, 11(1), 2-11. doi:10.1080/15401383.2015.1133361
[4] Sirigatti, S., Penzo, I., Giannetti, E., Casale, S., & Stefanile, C. (2016). Relationships between humorism profiles and psychological well-being. Personality and Individual Differences, 90, 219-224. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2015.11.011
by Andrew Neufeld | Sep 8, 2017 | Counselling
The interns are back! We had such great success with our first intern, now staff member Kelly Williams, that we’ve doubled down and now have two interns with us starting now, until August 2018! Chantelle Phillips joins us from Adler School of Professional Psychology, Kelly Williams’ old stomping grounds, and John Bablitz joins us from ACTS at Trinity Western University, my own alma mater. We’re excited to have them on board!
Having interns is a great thing in so many ways. First and foremost, it allows us to get involved in training the next generation of therapists, providing them with opportunities to learn from some of the best in the field, get opportunities to be involved in the community and other organizations, and to instill the values we believe are crucial to success as a therapist, and to care for clients in the way we do here at Alongside You.
Second, it allows us to offer another way for individuals, couples, and families to receive counselling at an affordable rate, even below what we can offer on a sliding scale basis. It really is a pretty good deal – you get an intern, and you get me along with it as the supervisor, in addition to the expertise of all of our counselling staff who also spend time with the interns. For $40/hour, you really can’t go wrong.
Third, this year I’m very excited because we’ve been able to expand our services to offer counselling to individuals with developmental disabilities. As someone who has worked with individuals with developmental disabilities for years, this is exciting for me because it lowers the barriers to services for these folks in our community. Both of our interns will be available for this, and Chantelle has quite a bit of experience with individuals with developmental disabilities and is excited to see them in the counselling room!
I sat down with our interns over dinner a few weeks back and thought I’d ask them some questions to help you get to know them a bit better. Without further ado, here’s what they had to say!
Meet Our Counselling Interns
Chantelle Phillips
How did you decide to pursue a career in the counselling field?
I think I always wanted to go into psychology and counselling, but it took me a while to figure out I could do something I wanted to do, not just what I could do. I’ve always connected well with people and been the one that listened to others and it interested me. Our family has had some experiences with mental health and addictions and so it’s something I’ve felt drawn to.
What excites you the most about doing an internship with Alongside You?
Learning how to operate the coffee maker to save Meg from doing it. On a more serious note, I’m very interested in collaboration, and the multidisciplinary team environment and I love the approach. I love the atmosphere of connection and the team environment at Alongside You and want to learn from it.
What is something unique about you that a client might want to know?
I think I’m super funny and nobody else does. I think my fallback career should be as a stand-up comedian but I’ve yet to find someone to corroborate that. I am a fan of the awkward moment and people who say what they mean.
Who is someone you’ve looked up to in your life and has influenced how you live and work?
My immediate family is very close, but my sister, I call her “my person” – she’s the yin to my yang, we’re super close. She’s the one who gives me strength to try new things and get out of my comfort zone.
What are you like outside of work/school? Interests, hobbies, etc.
Sports are my life – I played four competitive sports. I’m super competitive and love playing team sports, being in nature, outdoors, and I love animals. I’d lay in a pen of puppies for hours.
John Bablitz
How did you decide to pursue a career in the counselling field?
I decided to pursue a career in counselling because I’ve always been interested in psychology and how people work and do the things they do, but when my sister went into the field it really had a positive impact on our family. Being with people makes me feel alive. I feel that there is something really important to this, and the more interested I became, the more I wanted to do it.
What excites you the most about doing an internship with Alongside You?
I remember talking to Andrew and Meg and listening to the scope of what is covered and what Alongside You is excited about and the opportunities are exciting. Learning about the business side, finding needs, learning to communicate in various forms and reach people in a labour of love because it’s what should be done. I like how Andrew and Meg and Alongside You take care of people.
What is something unique about you that a client might want to know?
I’m very emotionally responsive and find I connect very quickly with others’ emotions. I’m really fascinated with Germany and German culture and minored in German in university. I worked in Disney World in the Canadian Pavillion in Epcot Centre.
Who is someone you’ve looked up to in your life and has influenced how you live and work?
My grandfather because he had a really child-like spirit that I think I adopted and a sense of wonder for all sorts of little things and people. I think that’s something I still hold with me very dear.
What are you like outside of work/school? Interests, hobbies, etc.
I like sports a lot. I’ve had to take it easier lately, so I’ve picked up slow pitch lately, and I really enjoy team sports and getting to be around others. I love learning and growing with others, particularly within organized sports.
Now What?
I hope you’ve enjoyed getting to know the interns a little bit – they’re excited to be here! If you’re looking for some counselling, they’d love to meet you. To book an appointment, please give me a call at the office at 604-283-7827 ext. 701 and we can see about arranging an appointment for you.
