by Fiona Scott | Dec 15, 2025 | Communication, Family, holiday, Mental Health, Parenting, Seasonal, Self Care, Teens, Tips
Let’s face it: for every Hallmark movie and overly-sentimental advert on our tv showing happy families enjoying together time in peace and harmony – there’s a very stressed-out parent, grandparent or family member trying to figure out a way for a group of people with their own issues, needs, wants and opinions to all be in the same place, at the same time, without World War III erupting …
If you add in a 2SLGBTQIA+ family member into the mix, there are many opportunities for accidental (or deliberate) offense to be given, feelings to be hurt, and opinions to be shared (whether everyone wants to hear them or not). So, if you have a 2SLGBTQIA+ teen or young adult in your family, how can you make sure to be the support they need at this time of year?
Firstly, I think it’s important to recognize that, with the current state of the world as it is, being a young 2SLGBTQIA+ individual is an extremely vulnerable place to be. And so our kiddos need adults in their life who are willing to ensure that they are protected, supported and encouraged. That is one of the reasons that the Step Forward Society has financially enabled Alongside You to start a mental health support group for 2SLGBTQIA+ youth, so that there are even more adults in these young peoples’ lives who are there to be part of their ‘team’.
In order to be the best ally you can for a young 2SLGBTQIA+ person, here are some hints, tips and suggestions. These are by no means the only things we can do – but it’s a start to the conversation.
Understand uniqueness
Please remember that every situation is different, every person is different, and every person on earth has their own set of needs to be met in order to thrive. So that’s the first tip – don’t assume! ASK. Here’s just a couple of examples: ask family members you haven’t seen for a while or don’t know well what pronouns they prefer – this normalizes the expectation that peoples’ pronouns will be respected, and makes it more likely that others in the family will follow suit. If you are organizing a family outing, ask if anyone will need access to universal/non-gendered bathroom. If you’re not sure, ask!
Help is only helpful if it’s helping!
Ask what YOUR 2SLGBTQIA+ young person would like help with – are they willing to stand up to homophobic Uncle Zebediah* when he goes on a rant or do they need you to intervene? Do they want you to engage in a stand-up fight for their rights, or would that make them want to melt into the carpet, and they’d rather just be rescued and avoid that particular discussion for another year? In our desire to be our kiddos’ dragon-slayer, and show our pride for them, it can be easy to lose track of the fact that what we’d like to do may be less important right now than what they need us to do.
‘My House, My Rules’
If you have family members who cannot be relied upon to ‘play nice in the sandbox’ around your 2SLGBTQIA+ young person, you can absolutely set the tone if you are hosting. Some families have rules around ‘no politics’, or ‘no religion’ at family gatherings – and if your kiddo is not in a good place to be questioned (or doesn’t feel like educating others, which is absolutely their right) then it is your right to set that expectation with guests in your home.
In order to save everyone embarrassment, and stop feelings running high, I would suggest that you gently and kindly bring this up prior to any large family gathering, so that the expectation is set. You could even have some allies in your family who are willing to spot any potential tinder-points and rush in to ‘deal’ with Uncle Zebediah (eg get him talking about his antique shoe polish collection).
The Great Escape
No, not the 1963 Steve McQueen movie (although that is a good flick!). I’m talking about giving the young 2SLGBTQIA+ person you are supporting options – this could look like asking them to help with younger family members (so that they’re simply not free to engage in a conversation with Uncle Zebediah). Obviously, if they enjoy kids, that’s great – but whatever plan you come up with (together with them, of course) – should be something that they enjoy, too.
Maybe this looks like a family hike, or trip to a Christmas village or lights installation, so that people are walking around, splitting into groups, having something else to focus on (and there is an opportunity for them to ‘disappear’ and gather themselves for a few minutes if they’re getting overwhelmed). Or a trip to the theatre or movies so that opportunities for conversation are naturally limited.
This could also look like making sure that your kiddo has opportunities to get out of the house and visit with their friends over the holiday, so that they have a pressure valve built in to their break. Same goes for you! Try to make sure you get opportunities to have a break, so that you can fully appreciate the holidays.
Comfort and Joy
Comfort clothing, comfort foods, comfort shows … there are many ways in which we use comfort items to help us regulate our emotions. You may have an expectation that the whole family dress up in matching Christmas PJs for photos and be frustrated if your kid doesn’t want to comply. But perhaps they’re experiencing body dysphoria and this make them feel worse about themselves, but their vintage Metallica hoody makes them feel OK.
Or perhaps you want everyone to watch ‘A Christmas Story’ and it’s frustrating that someone in your family wants to watch Brooklyn 99, or the Gilmore Girls, or a Studio Ghibli movie, again. Slaving for hours over the perfect holiday meal, only to have your kiddo rummage in the pantry for ramen noodles? I bet that raises some hackles!
My point is that we seek comfort because it helps us to cope with our emotions and, in higher stress times, the tendency is to look for the things we know well, so there are no surprises, and nothing new for our brains and nervous systems to have to adapt to. So, if you’re noticing these comfort-seeking behaviours in your 2SLGBTQIA+ child, it’s a sure sign that they’re feeling stress in some way. At this point, it’s worth asking yourself what your intention for the holiday is – do you want it all to ‘look’ the way you imagined in your mind, regardless of whether everyone is happy or not? Or do you want to make people feel at ease, encourage each member of the family to join in by meeting their needs – and in the process, have a chance to experience real joy.
Summary
There are as many options to support your young 2SLGBTQIA+ loved ones as there are colours in the Pride rainbow! But the take-away is that validating our kiddos’ feelings, paying attention to their needs and asking what truly would help them the most are all good ways to make sure that everyone has a peaceful, happy and fulfilling holiday.
All of us at Alongside You and Step Forward Society wish you a very happy, healthy and peaceful holiday season, whatever and however you celebrate.
*our apologies to anyone actually named Zebediah! No offense intended.
by Kole Lawrence | Dec 8, 2025 | Communication, Family, holiday, Mental Health, Seasonal, Self Care, Teens, Tips
The holiday time is supposed to be this stretch of (often, freezing cold) time of laughing and warmth and horribly-corny-but-at-the-same-time-wonderfully-campy movies. And for many of us queers, parts of that holiday stretch are the best. But the holidays can also bring a sort of pressure that really isn’t normally talked about—it’s the pressure of going to, or being in, “home” environments that don’t always understand or show up for the you you.
This time of year can be, complicated. There’s often excitement and love mixed in, and also a lot of emotional navigating. For many queer youth, the holidays aren’t just holidays. They can be a kind of performance season where we try and pretend the only ugly part is our sweaters (which are actually just cute btw).
The unseen stuff queer & trans youth carry into December
Everyone’s experience is different. But some of our experiences are actually common. Here’s what we hear:
- Feeling watched. Not necessarily in a negative way. But even good intentions and genuine curiosity can feel like a lot when it’s nonstop. “What name should I call you?” can be fine, but who wants to answer it over and over and over, let alone to the same few people.
- Being asked questions you didn’t prepare for. “Do you have a boyfriend? Girlfriend?” “What pronouns, champ?” “What is the whole gender thing anyway?” Hey, I like talking about myself as much as the next person, but dare we chill? Since when are deeply personal and complex sexuality and gender identity transformations small talk? Sometimes it’s okay to just want to talk about Taylor Swift’s new album or Kris Jenner’s plastic surgery.
- Dealing with traditions that don’t fit anymore. Traditions can be such a mixed bag. Lots of us have really wonderful memories of traditions we did with our families, but often times traditions weren’t designed with queer and trans identities in mind. What’s important to remember though is if it doesn’t feel like we can be authentic in them, it’s okay to accept them as memories instead of rules.
Some quick tips if the holidays feel like… a lot
Here are just a few things that can help when the holiday energy starts feeling heavy. No “magic” here, just actual and doable things that may work for you:
- Use the bathroom as a breather. Okay, it sounds wild, but taking a few-minute break to breathe, text a friend, just chill out, can totally help just rest your nervous system which can make the next hour feel lighter.
- Have a couple of “neutral response” lines ready. Things like “I’m not getting into that today,” or “It’s a long story, but I’m okay,” can shut down uncomfortable questions without creating more chaos.
- Keep a comforting object in your pocket. Are Tamagotchis still a thing? Think about keeping something in your pocket that that you can fidget with if you want to or something that will just maybe help make you feel more grounded generally.
- Decide ahead of time what topics are off-limits for you. If someone wanders into something you’ve already decided is just not your preference to get into, remember to just not get into it if you can.
- Let yourself keep some things private. It’s not your job to educate everyone! You don’t have to justify language or identity. Privacy isn’t necessarily avoidance—things are allowed to feel and be personal.
The reality is that a lot of queer and trans youth head into December carrying stuff that isn’t always obvious. And sure, this time of year can be stressful or awkward or just… a lot. But it can also make space for embodying the version of yourself that feels honest that day. Remember: you are allowed to protect your peace. Keep honouring yourself, no less this month than any other month. You are okay. <3
Resources
LGBT National Help Centre
Free, confidential peer-support for 2SLGBTQ+ folks. Multiple lines including Youth, Seniors, and Coming Out support (not 24/7).
Website: https://lgbthotline.org
988 Suicide Crisis Helpline
Call or text for immediate support (not queer- or trans-specific).
Dial 988
Trans Lifeline
Peer-run support line for trans and nonbinary people (call only).
Phone: 877-330-6366
Website: https://translifeline.org
by Leah Jivan | Nov 7, 2025 | holiday, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Seasonal, Self Care, Stress
As we enter the final few weeks of the year, a mix of both excitement and stress begins to set in. For many people, this winter season brings the anticipation of several celebrations – Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Bodhi Day – each filled with valued traditions, excitement, and meaningful connections with others. Whether you celebrate these holidays or not, their presence is felt everywhere you go – from tree lights and extremely crowded shopping malls, to last minute runs to the grocery stores to host festive gatherings with loved ones.
Hectic Holidays
With the festive ambiance filling the air all around us, there is often an unspoken conversation around the end of year stress. Whether it’s meeting work deadlines, navigating financial stress, hosting gatherings or simply trying to wrap things up that have accumulated, fatigue, burnout and feeling all over the place during this time of year are all too common.
As a student, December has often felt like three months packed into one. The weeks leading up to the holidays was filled with joy and anticipation while simultaneously also juggling assignments, deadlines and fatigue. This rollercoaster of a month somehow always comes as a surprise every year despite trying to prepare in advance.
If you’ve ever found yourself feeling that way, you’re not alone. Over the past few weeks, I’ve done some research and taken some time to reflect on what has helped me manage this bustling and hectic season. My hope is that by sharing these tips, you can take what resonates with you to help make it through this final stretch. I also recognize that this time of year can be difficult for some as it can bring up personal memories linked to more challenging times in their lives
These tips are universal and can be used whether or not you celebrate any holidays in December or throughout the year. They can serve as a guide to wrap up the year with more intention and hope:
Creating Intentional Moments to Pause
One of the most impactful practices I have incorporated in my life is to try and intentionally make space to pause. In the book, “Mindful Relationships: Seven Skills for Success”, the author notes the basic need to rest and repair is grounded in our physiology – however, many of us replace the need to rest with caffeine, sugar, exercise or living on the edge which overtime, leads to physical and emotional burnout (Bullock, 2016).
Living in a world where we are constantly being pulled in different directions by school, work or personal obligations and being reminded of the ever-present “hustle culture”, the idea of even attempting to take a break can feel impossible. Bullock (2016) highlights the common mindset in our society of “work hard, play hard” which gives into the idea that we “should” constantly occupy ourselves with not one minute to spare. Intentional pauses in our lives can take many forms. I’ve personally found that simply taking five minutes before bed to process my whole day or going for a walk around the community are meaningful ways to pause. This can also look like journaling, meditating, grounding exercises and so many other little techniques! One of my personal favorites when I’m sitting in bed is to just think of one word or phrase to sum up my day or where I’m at right now.
You Know Yourself Best: Be Mindful of When You May be Reaching Your Full Capacity
John Kabat-Zinn, the creator of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction defined mindfulness as “paying attention in the present moment in a non-judgemental way” and he breaks it down with six key ideas (Bullock, 2016). In a nutshell, I have summarized these six key ideas1 below:
- Recognize your recurrent or repeated response tendencies
- Notice how your perceptions, way of communicating and stories impact others
- Listening over the urge to immediately respond
- Fully listen to what someone has to say rather than responding right away with a personal reflection, a solution, criticism or judgement
- Reframing communication through the lens of an observer not an evaluator
- Notice and acknowledge what signs our body is sending us and taking a step back before reacting
Let’s break down two of those key ideas in more detail:
Setting an intention to pause and notice your automatic, habitual patterns of response. During periods of high stress, we have a tendency to deny and block out the ability to feel negative emotions and over time, we may or may not notice a pattern of engaging in the same, general tendencies. This is a subtle internal process but recognizing this pattern can be so powerful to acknowledge in times of stress.
Recognizing signs when you are stressed or overwhelmed and intentionally taking a step back to regulate before responding in a way that could be harmful or not intended. Our body constantly sends us different signs and messages, telling us to fight or flight from our sympathetic nervous system or rest-digest from our parasympathetic nervous system as well as emotional, physical and behavioural signs. Listen to these signs! They are there for a reason…You know yourself and your body best.
Practice Presence in the Here and Now
Do you sometimes find yourself multitasking between what seems like ten things at the same time and you find it challenging to be fully present? You are definitely not alone! Let me introduce you to the concept of “One-Mindfully” (Linehan, 2015). The idea of One-Mindfully is one of the core components to DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) and is key to the psychological and spiritual traditions of mindfulness (Linehan, 2015). One-mindfully encourages that just for right now, try to be present in what you are doing, taking it one thing at a time (Linehan, 2015).
A book called “The Power of Pause: Becoming More by Doing Less” describes the consequence in “hurrying” as we become so focused on the destination that we see and hear only what we want to (Hershey, 2011). However, when we pause, we can explore things beyond this tunnel vision, we see or hear things as they are, not as we expect them to be (Hershey, 2011). This practice invites the opportunity to notice any desires to multitask while encouraging you to go back to the one thing you were focused on (Linehan, 2015). The book describes this practice with different examples such as, when you are eating, actually eat, or when you are remembering, actually remember (Linehan, 2015).
Recognize the Expectations While Transforming Your End of Year Checklist to a Flexible Guide
The end of the year can feel like a marathon as we try to fill so much into each day, racing to the finish line. While reading a little passage from “The Power of Pause: Becoming More by Doing Less”, I was reminded that most traditions recognize that we as humans, have the ability to hold a “doing” space and a “being” space (Hershey, 2011). Moreover, in the “doing” space, we work, produce and accomplish and in the “being” space, we carve out time to rest, pray, sleep and wonder (Hershey, 2011). Often, these marathons can feel like a mandatory checklist that we need to complete but being able to create space for both the “doing” part and the “being” part is necessary (Hershey, 2011).
I hope these tips are something that we can all take into the last few weeks of the year. Whether December is a joyful time of the year for you or one that is more challenging, I hope these tips can serve as a gentle reminder to try and take a pause, give yourself grace and remember that you have the strength to overcome these last few hurdles before starting a new year.
You don’t have to face this challenge alone. Contact us if you would like to speak with one of our counsellors.
References:
1 Bullock, G. B. (2016). Taking a Purposeful Pause. Mindful Relationships: Seven Skills for Success (pp. 107-113). Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
2 Hershey, T. (2011). The Power of Pause: Becoming More by Doing Less. Loyola Press.
3 Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
by Abi Olson | Oct 3, 2025 | Health, Mental Health, Parenting, Self Care, Stress
Mothers are some of the most powerful and resourceful people in our communities. Every day, they balance a multitude of roles—caregiver, professional, household manager, emotional anchor—and do so with resilience, determination, and love.
In today’s fast-paced and ever-changing world, the expectations on mothers have grown. More mothers than ever are contributing to the workforce while continuing to be the heart of their families. And while this can bring a sense of fulfillment and purpose, it also presents a very real challenge: stress.
A Changing Landscape
The number of working mothers has increased significantly over the past 50 years. According to Statistics Canada, the participation rate of mothers in the workforce has nearly doubled, from 40.5% in 1976 to 76.5% in 2021. This shift highlights not just the changing societal norms but also the immense contributions that mothers are making both at home and in the wider economy.
While the evolving role of mothers brings new opportunities, it also brings increased demands on time, energy, and mental bandwidth. Juggling work and home responsibilities can often feel like walking a tightrope.
Recognizing the Weight You Carry
Research shows that working mothers often face higher levels of stress than their non-working counterparts, with about 26% reporting high stress levels compared to 13% of stay-at-home mothers (Sohail & Imtiaz, 2018). However, this isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a testament to just how much mothers are carrying, often silently and without pause.
Stress can affect not only physical health but emotional well-being too. And while this may sound daunting, there is good news: there are powerful, accessible tools that mothers can use to support themselves. Prioritizing mental health and wellness isn’t selfish—it’s essential.
You Deserve Support and Restoration
When left unaddressed, stress can manifest in the body in many ways—fatigue, lowered immunity, anxiety, depression, and burnout. But here’s the truth: You are not powerless.
Stress doesn’t have to define your motherhood journey. It can be a signal—a nudge to care for yourself with the same compassion and intention you give to others. Investing in your well-being is a powerful act of love—for yourself, your children, and your family.
Let’s explore two effective, research-backed practices that can be integrated into even the busiest routines:
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Meditation: Small Moments, Big Shifts
Meditation is a simple, accessible tool with profound benefits for mental and physical health. You don’t need hours of solitude or expensive equipment. Even a few minutes of deep breathing or quiet reflection can shift your day.
Why meditation works:
- It’s free and time-efficient.
- It can be done anywhere—during a lunch break, before bed, or even in the car before daycare pickup.
- Studies show it reduces stress, improves emotional regulation, boosts attention, and lowers activity in the brain’s fear and stress centers.
How you can start:
- Focus on your breath for one minute.
- Do a quick body scan when you first wake up or lie down to sleep.
- Repeat a calming word, affirmation, or prayer.
Even short moments of mindfulness can create long-term resilience. In fact, meditating before a stressful event can make you more adaptable and less reactive (Dunlop, 2023).
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Nature: Healing in the Everyday
Spending time in nature—even for a few minutes—can have a deeply calming effect. While city life can be stimulating and fast-paced, nature provides the pause we often crave.
The benefits of nature exposure:
- Lowers heart rate and blood pressure
- Improves mood, memory, and focus
- Reduces symptoms of anxiety and depression
- Supports emotional regulation and overall well-being
You don’t need to escape to the mountains:
- Take a walk in a nearby park.
- Listen to nature sounds (birdsong, rain, flowing water).
- Add indoor plants to your home or workspace.
- Watch a nature video during a break.
- Pause and notice the sky, trees, or flowers while you wait in line or walk to your car.
Even just hearing nature sounds or looking at photos of natural settings can lower stress levels and restore a sense of calm (Zhang et al., 2023; Gu et al., 2022).
The Power of Reframing Self-Care
For many mothers, self-care can feel like a luxury. But in reality, it is a necessity—a non-negotiable part of maintaining your health, your energy, and your ability to show up for the people and responsibilities you love.
When mothers are well, families are well. And workplaces, communities, and society as a whole benefit. Healthy, supported mothers contribute to stronger relationships, more engaged parenting, and a healthier next generation.
Self-care isn’t about perfection or elaborate rituals. It’s about small, consistent acts of compassion toward yourself.
In Summary: You Are Worth the Care
Being a working mother is no small feat—it is a powerful act of endurance, love, and commitment. The stress you feel is valid, but it does not have to be the whole story.
By equipping yourself with simple, effective tools like meditation and nature connection, you are building resilience, restoring balance, and modelling healthy habits for your children.
Stress management isn’t just about survival—it’s about thriving. And every mother deserves the opportunity not just to make it through the day, but to feel whole, strong, and well in the process.
You are not alone in this. And you are doing an incredible job. Connect with us today if you would like more support in taking care of yourself as you care for your family.
by Fiona Scott | Aug 22, 2025 | Curiosity, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Self Care, Self Confidence, Tips
Many of us have heard of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), which is a beneficial and effective therapy to help us change our thoughts and behaviours. However, you may have had Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) recommended to you and wondered ‘what’s the difference?’.
What’s different about Dialectical Behaviour Therapy?
DBT is one of several valuable therapies which came out of the CBT tradition. Dr. Marsha Linehan, who developed the DBT framework, started her career by working with some of the most distressing symptoms which we see as counsellors – suicide attempts, self-harm, addictions and hopelessness. Part of the reason she did that was because – well, she’d been there herself1.
What’s with that word: ‘dialectical’?
The ’dialectical’ in DBT just means opposing – and we come across so many examples of that in our own lives. In DBT, we recognize that there are some things about ourselves and our lives that we may not like, but we have to accept in order to make progress. On the other hand, there are things which we can change, and if we can, we must. This apparent contradiction between acceptance and change (and how to tell the difference), is super-important, and can be very empowering.
DBT is a skills-based therapy. This can seem daunting, because there are quite a few skills to learn, and a full course of DBT skills here at Alongside You takes 24 weeks. However, let’s break down why this may be necessary. We can probably all agree that circumstances in our childhood may get in the way of us learning certain skills (eg emotion regulation). This will mean that, as adults, we will have to learn those skills. We often feel great shame about not having all this ‘at our fingertips’ – but if nobody had ever taught us to read, would we really be surprised if we struggled? Of course not! So we can start removing the shame, and working on learning the skills that will allow us to thrive.
Do I have to have BPD to benefit from DBT?
If you Google DBT, you are going to see reference to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Often, DBT is recommended for BPD which is a distressing condition resulting in difficulties regulating our emotions. It’s clear that adverse childhood experiences are implicated in this condition (some sources suggest up to 90% of clients with BPD have experienced childhood trauma2).
However, this is NOT the only reason to attend a DBT skills group. DBT is a safe and effective therapy for many problems, including:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- suicidal ideation
- self-harming
- rejection sensitivity dysphoria
- and many more3.
I can say, as someone who facilitates these groups, that I personally use these skills every single day of my life. They are practical, simple to understand and relatively easy to implement. That being said, as with every single therapy or intervention, we will get out of it exactly what we put in. The more we practice, the better we’ll get and the easier it will become.
Does it have to be in a group?
Before I became a counsellor, the idea of ‘group therapy’ was something I would totally have rejected. I had a LOT of preconceptions (mostly based on tv and movies!) and a fear of sharing my ‘stuff’ in public. However, having been part of several groups now, I have seen (and felt) the benefits of being in groups. Firstly, concerns about confidentiality can be worrying – however confidentiality is absolutely the first thing we cover in group. Remember, others will be as careful of keeping your stuff private as they hope you’ll be in keeping their info safe! More than anything else, having the opportunity to share your experiences with others who really ‘get it’ and won’t judge you is a truly validating and safe experience. Being able to learn from others’ experiences, have them learn from you and share your triumphs and failures in a supportive environment cannot be overstated. It really is kind of magical – and highly-effective.
Being Effective
Talking about being effective, that’s one of the words you’ll hear most frequently in DBT. Once we start letting go of that judgement (which means letting go of our iron grip on ‘good and bad’ or ‘right and wrong’), we need a helpful way to assess our behaviour and how well it serves us. Enter ‘effectiveness’. Are the behaviours we are exhibiting effective in getting what we want? Or do they make us less effective? It’s a very powerful way for us to evaluate what we’re doing, and how things change when we change.
Freedom Through Control
So, here’s the ultimate ‘dialectic’ (or opposing) concept. When we aren’t good at regulating our emotions, very often our emotions do the reacting and behaving for us. If you’ve ever felt like you are watching yourself having a meltdown while completely unable to do anything about it – your emotions are in the driving seat. Paradoxically, when we gain more control over our emotions, it allows us to choose our response and our behaviour. When we have choices, we gain true freedom. This absolutely does not mean that we learn to squash our emotions down, or ignore them – quite the opposite. By giving them permission to be felt, we can learn how to cope with unpleasant or upsetting feelings, and deal with them in a better way than acting out, hurting others or hating ourselves.
I’m Interested – Now What?
Here is a link to an interview with Dr. Marsha Linehan which explains the essence and basics of DBT4. If you are interested in joining our fall group (starting October 28th), please contact us here to find out more. We look forward to answering any questions you might have!
Citations
1 Full Audiobook (Ed.). (2025, June 12). Building a Life Worth Living: A Memoir Audiobook by Marsha M. Linehan. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4x11qE6F-0&ab_channel=FullAudiobook
2 Bozzatello, P., Rocca, P., Baldassarri, L., Bosia, M., & Bellino, S. (2021). The Role of Trauma in Early Onset Borderline Personality Disorder: A Biopsychosocial Perspective. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12, 721361. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.721361
3 Core Evidence & Research. Behavioural Tech Institute. (n.d.). https://behavioraltech.org/evidence/
4 HSE Ireland. (2014, December 14). Marsha Linehan – Interview. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR7Oi0cyoVo&ab_channel=HSEIreland
by Lauren Tiede | Jul 15, 2025 | Curiosity, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Self Care, Self Confidence, Tips
Living authentically will vary from person to person. But an overarching explanation is living in a way that is aligned with your values and beliefs, rather than listening to and conforming to external expectations and pressures. It involves choosing with intention and accepting our vulnerability and imperfections. It is the courage to be who you are, by being honest with yourself and listening to yourself, even when you’re feeling sad, scared, or unsure. It’s not about constantly chasing happiness or avoiding discomfort, but about being present and true, even when it’s hard. This might look like saying, “This is what I actually feel,” instead of, “This is what I should feel.”
Why is it hard to live authentically?
Living in a world that constantly tells us who to be can make it challenging to connect with what we truly want or who we are. Other factors, like culture, societal expectations, childhood experiences, and trauma, can also make it challenging to live authentically. These external influences can leave us feeling like we have to perform or hide who we are to be accepted and liked.
But living authentically doesn’t mean doing everything on your own or shutting people out. It also doesn’t mean ignoring others’ opinions or advice, it’s about finding a balance. It means being open to feedback that helps you grow, without letting it shut out your own voice. It’s about being who you are, messy, growing, and just as you are.
Signs you may be living inauthentically
As we are being flooded with messages telling us who to be, how we should look, what success should mean, and how we’re supposed to feel or act, over time, all these messages can pull us away from who we really are. We adapt, we perform, we try to fit in. And often, we end up pushing down parts of ourselves to please others or meet expectations. While this might help us feel accepted, they can take a toll on ourselves. We may struggle with depression, low self-esteem, and feel disconnected from relationships. We can’t deeply connect with others if we are hiding our true selves.
Common signs of inauthentic living
- Feeling a lack of direction and purpose
- Feeling like something is missing
- Constantly seeking external validation
- Suppressing your opinion to please others
- Constantly comparing yourself to others
- Living by “shoulds”
- Having difficulty making decisions
Ways to start living authentically
Living authentically doesn’t mean being bold all the time or rejecting every outside expectation. It’s more about making small, intentional choices that reflect what really matters to you, your values, even when it’s uncomfortable. And that often starts with simply noticing when you’re overriding your needs, when you’re performing, or when you’re living by “shoulds” that were never really yours to begin with.
It can begin with teasing apart your values and beliefs from those that have been imposed on you. This can be challenging, as we are constantly being overwhelmed with messages from a young age. But living authentically involves small, honest actions. It’s about being real, even if that means disappointing others to stay true to yourself. This could look like:
- Taking a moment to reflect on your values, what matters to you, rather than what you’ve been told should matter
- Noticing when you feel like you’re performing or putting on a front for others
- Taking a small step by saying no when you don’t have the capacity
- Giving yourself permission to rest without feeling guilty
While living authentically can sound easy, life is not always that simple and neat. Instead, it’s messy, constantly evolving and changing. Living authentically is not a one-time achievement, it’s a lifelong journey. So, if I were to say what living authentically means for me now, my answer would be pretty different from what it was a few years ago, and will likely be different a few years from now.
So, if you feel like you’re not living authentically, give yourself a break and some compassion. It’s common to lose touch with yourself from time to time, especially in a world that constantly pulls you in different directions. Living authentically isn’t a destination or a fixed state, it’s a practice. It’s something we return to again and again. Noticing that you’re out of alignment is already a powerful first step. You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight or even in a few days, just one honest choice at a time can begin to bring you back to yourself.
If you would like support in identifying your values and finding strategies to live authentically, contact us to learn how our team of counsellors can help.
