by Leah Jivan | Jul 28, 2026 | Anxiety, Communication, Curiosity, Depression, Emotional, Guidance, Health, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Reflection, Relationships, Self Care, Stress, Therapy |
Have you noticed why on some days you can handle stressors with ease while on other days, similar situations leave you feeling overwhelmed? Well, if you have, you are most definitely not alone.
In this post, we’ll explore how your nervous system works and introduce the Window of Tolerance. We will also take a look at what happens when stressors push you beyond this window into a state of hyperarousal or hypoarousal.
So what is the Window of Tolerance and how does it work?
The window of tolerance refers to the optimal state in which our nervous system is able to effectively respond to stressors, challenges or uncertainties (Neff, 2023). When we are in this window, we are more likely to feel engaged, curious, grounded and calm (Neff, 2023). Our nervous system helps us adjust to our surroundings through two processes: the sympathetic nervous system which increases activation and energy, otherwise known as the “fight or flight” response and the parasympathetic nervous system which reinforces rest, otherwise known as the “rest and digest” response.
It is important to note that the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems work conjointly to respond to everyday stressors and challenges.
Dr. Megan Anna Neff shares an important metaphor of a gas and brake pedal of a car, acting as the sympathetic and parasympathetic process working together (Neff, 2023). Moreover, she notes that such fluctuations between both processes are necessary as she speaks about an activation of the sympathetic nervous system when faced with a stressor or engagement of the parasympathetic nervous system when we are going to sleep (Neff, 2023).
Now you may be asking yourself, what happens when we leave our window of tolerance?
The body goes into one of two states. In the hyperarousal state, the sympathetic nervous system predominates, and our body becomes mobilized for action (Neff, 2023). Some common signs our body is entering a hyperarousal state include panic, fear, a racing heart, heightened awareness or aggression (Neff, 2023).
In a hyperarousal state, the body needs regulation which can look like:
- Mindfulness and breathing exercises which can help regulate our nervous system and ease or reduce heightened levels of alertness by signaling a sense of safety to our body (Marks, 2022)
The other way our nervous system may respond to stress is by entering a state of hypoarousal. In this state, the body goes through decreased nervous system activity and can lead to shut down or withdrawal due to overwhelm (Neff, 2023). In this state, we may be feeling numb, disconnected, fatigued and dissociated (Neff, 2023).
In a hypoarousal state, we want to stimulate gentle activation which can be done through:
- Grounding exercises that engage the five senses (sight, hear, smell, taste and touch) (Marks, 2022)
- Temperature exposure, specifically cold temperatures by splashing ice cold water on the face which activates the sympathetic nervous system
- Physical movement can increase heart rate and therefore, increase energy levels
Tying this all back to the beginning of the post, why does it feel like we can overcome stressors with more ease and confidence on some days and not others?
Well, there’s a range of factors that can impact how narrow or wide our window of tolerance is. This can include:
- Previous traumatic events
This can even come down to everyday differences. In Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Marsha Linehan speaks on vulnerability factors which she described as the factors and history that made one vulnerable leading up an event (Linehan, 2015). I’ve listed a few factors below, but I encourage you to think about factors that are potentially impacting how you show up everyday which can be affecting the width of your window of tolerance. Here are a few to get us start thinking about vulnerability factors:
- Ongoing stress in multiple realms of our life (e.g., school, work, interpersonal relationships, career, financial situation, health, etc.)
- Life transitions (e.g., new career, relocating, taking on new roles such as parenting)
If you can take one piece away from this post, I want to remind you that it is natural for one’s nervous system to shift and change throughout the day. I encourage you to practice recognizing patterns or signs when you feel your body has moved beyond our window of tolerance into either hyperarousal or hypoarousal.
Neff (2023) suggests a practice called nervous system mapping in which we can set some time, once or twice a day to scan our body and note how we are feeling. Moreover, she notes that just paying attention to a racing heart rate or tension in our body can point towards hyperarousal or fatigue can point towards hypoarousal (Neff, 2023). Paying attention to what our body is telling us is crucial and necessary in order to engage in the skills to regulate us back to our optimal zone and effectively manage daily stressors.
Understanding your nervous system is an important step toward understanding yourself and how your body responds to stress. We are here to help you along the way. Contact Us if you’d like to speak with one of our counsellors.
References:
1 Marks, T. [Dr. Tracey Marks] (2022, May 4). Window of tolerance: what is it and how to stay in it [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VD8hhboXYTI
2 Neff, M. A. (2023, January 8). The window of tolerance: how to build emotional resilience and regulation. Neurodivergent insights. https://neurodivergentinsights.com/window-of-tolerance/?srsltid=AfmBOopUSbQ677ejHjiAB7rqVG636K66QGOyoV67ozOyqlsxWa8duLYa
3 Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
by Rachelle Kostelyk Pals | Mar 2, 2026 | Communication, Connection, Relationships
We often think that validating someone means we must agree with them. The good news for relationships is that this isn’t true! Validation is about acknowledging and understanding someone’s emotional experience, while agreement is about sharing the same opinion or belief. Learning the difference can be transformative and creates space for both connection and authenticity in relationships.
In counselling sessions, one of the most common relational misunderstandings sounds like this: “If I validate them, it means I’m saying they’re right.”
This belief quietly fuels defensiveness, conflict, and emotional distance. But the truth is that validation is not the same as agreement. Understanding that difference can dramatically change your relationships — with your partner, your child, your friend, and even yourself.
What Is Validation?
Validation means acknowledging and accepting that someone’s internal experience makes sense from their perspective.
It sounds like:
- “I can see why you’d feel that way.”
- “That must have been really frustrating.”
- “It makes sense that you’re hurt.”
Nowhere are you saying, “You’re right.” Instead, you’re acknowledging, “Your feelings make sense.”
What Is Agreement?
Agreement is endorsing someone’s position, belief, or interpretation. It’s sharing ideological alignment.
It sounds like:
- “Yes, you’re right.”
- “I think they were totally wrong.”
- “I agree with your perspective.”
Why People Confuse the Two
When emotions run high, and our nervous system is activated, our brains switch into protection (fight or flight) mode. If someone is upset with us, we often assume:
- “If I validate them, I’m admitting guilt.”
- “If I validate them, I lose.”
- “If I validate them, my side doesn’t matter.”
However, validation doesn’t erase your experience. It simply acknowledges theirs. In fact, refusing to validate often escalates conflict — not because you disagree, but because the other person feels unseen.
Why Validation Changes Relationships
Neurologically, when someone feels heard and understood, their nervous system settles. Defensiveness lowers. Problem-solving becomes possible.
Without validation:
- The conversation stays stuck.
- Both people repeat themselves.
- Emotions intensify.
With validation:
- Emotional intensity decreases.
- People soften.
- Connection increases.
Validation creates safety — and safety is the foundation of healthy relationships.
A Real-Life Example
Imagine your partner says, “you never listen to me”.
You don’t agree — you feel like you do listen.
A defensive response: “that’s not true, I listen all the time”.
A validating response: “It sounds like you’ve been feeling unheard lately”.
You’re not agreeing that you never listen. You’re acknowledging their emotional experience.
That small shift can completely change the tone of the interaction.
Validation in Parenting
If a child says, “that’s not fair!”, you don’t have to agree that their situation is, in fact, unfair to choose to validate them. You can say, “It feels unfair to you right now, and I get that”.”
Contrary to what we might believe, children who feel validated learn emotional regulation. Children who feel dismissed learn to escalate emotionally, to amplify their voice to be heard and understood. It makes sense.
Validation and Boundaries Can Coexist
An important reminder is that validation does not mean tolerating harmful behaviour. You can say, “I understand that you’re angry. It makes sense. And I’m not okay with being yelled at.”
That’s validation, plus a boundary and strong relationships require both.
The Most Overlooked Place We Need Validation is From Ourselves
It’s easy invalidate our own emotions:
- “I shouldn’t feel this way.”
- “I’m overreacting.”
- “It’s not a big deal.”
Self-validation sounds like:
- “Of course this is hard.”
- “It makes sense that I’m feeling overwhelmed.”
- “Anyone in this situation might feel this way.”
Self-validation reduces shame — and shame creates a barrier to emotional health.
The Takeaway
Validation says, “Your feelings make sense”. Agreement says, “Your conclusion about this situation is correct and I agree with how you see it”. You can validate without agreeing. You can validate and still hold your perspective. You can validate and maintain boundaries. And when you do, relationships shift from power struggles to understanding, connection, and trust.
In counselling, we often see that people don’t need to win an argument — they need to feel seen. Learning the difference between validation and agreement may be one of the simplest — and most powerful — relational skills you can practice.
Need help with practicing this your relationship? We’re here to help. Connect with us today.
by Fiona Scott | Dec 15, 2025 | Communication, Family, holiday, Mental Health, Parenting, Seasonal, Self Care, Teens, Tips
Let’s face it: for every Hallmark movie and overly-sentimental advert on our tv showing happy families enjoying together time in peace and harmony – there’s a very stressed-out parent, grandparent or family member trying to figure out a way for a group of people with their own issues, needs, wants and opinions to all be in the same place, at the same time, without World War III erupting …
If you add in a 2SLGBTQIA+ family member into the mix, there are many opportunities for accidental (or deliberate) offense to be given, feelings to be hurt, and opinions to be shared (whether everyone wants to hear them or not). So, if you have a 2SLGBTQIA+ teen or young adult in your family, how can you make sure to be the support they need at this time of year?
Firstly, I think it’s important to recognize that, with the current state of the world as it is, being a young 2SLGBTQIA+ individual is an extremely vulnerable place to be. And so our kiddos need adults in their life who are willing to ensure that they are protected, supported and encouraged. That is one of the reasons that the Step Forward Society has financially enabled Alongside You to start a mental health support group for 2SLGBTQIA+ youth, so that there are even more adults in these young peoples’ lives who are there to be part of their ‘team’.
In order to be the best ally you can for a young 2SLGBTQIA+ person, here are some hints, tips and suggestions. These are by no means the only things we can do – but it’s a start to the conversation.
Understand uniqueness
Please remember that every situation is different, every person is different, and every person on earth has their own set of needs to be met in order to thrive. So that’s the first tip – don’t assume! ASK. Here’s just a couple of examples: ask family members you haven’t seen for a while or don’t know well what pronouns they prefer – this normalizes the expectation that peoples’ pronouns will be respected, and makes it more likely that others in the family will follow suit. If you are organizing a family outing, ask if anyone will need access to universal/non-gendered bathroom. If you’re not sure, ask!
Help is only helpful if it’s helping!
Ask what YOUR 2SLGBTQIA+ young person would like help with – are they willing to stand up to homophobic Uncle Zebediah* when he goes on a rant or do they need you to intervene? Do they want you to engage in a stand-up fight for their rights, or would that make them want to melt into the carpet, and they’d rather just be rescued and avoid that particular discussion for another year? In our desire to be our kiddos’ dragon-slayer, and show our pride for them, it can be easy to lose track of the fact that what we’d like to do may be less important right now than what they need us to do.
‘My House, My Rules’
If you have family members who cannot be relied upon to ‘play nice in the sandbox’ around your 2SLGBTQIA+ young person, you can absolutely set the tone if you are hosting. Some families have rules around ‘no politics’, or ‘no religion’ at family gatherings – and if your kiddo is not in a good place to be questioned (or doesn’t feel like educating others, which is absolutely their right) then it is your right to set that expectation with guests in your home.
In order to save everyone embarrassment, and stop feelings running high, I would suggest that you gently and kindly bring this up prior to any large family gathering, so that the expectation is set. You could even have some allies in your family who are willing to spot any potential tinder-points and rush in to ‘deal’ with Uncle Zebediah (eg get him talking about his antique shoe polish collection).
The Great Escape
No, not the 1963 Steve McQueen movie (although that is a good flick!). I’m talking about giving the young 2SLGBTQIA+ person you are supporting options – this could look like asking them to help with younger family members (so that they’re simply not free to engage in a conversation with Uncle Zebediah). Obviously, if they enjoy kids, that’s great – but whatever plan you come up with (together with them, of course) – should be something that they enjoy, too.
Maybe this looks like a family hike, or trip to a Christmas village or lights installation, so that people are walking around, splitting into groups, having something else to focus on (and there is an opportunity for them to ‘disappear’ and gather themselves for a few minutes if they’re getting overwhelmed). Or a trip to the theatre or movies so that opportunities for conversation are naturally limited.
This could also look like making sure that your kiddo has opportunities to get out of the house and visit with their friends over the holiday, so that they have a pressure valve built in to their break. Same goes for you! Try to make sure you get opportunities to have a break, so that you can fully appreciate the holidays.
Comfort and Joy
Comfort clothing, comfort foods, comfort shows … there are many ways in which we use comfort items to help us regulate our emotions. You may have an expectation that the whole family dress up in matching Christmas PJs for photos and be frustrated if your kid doesn’t want to comply. But perhaps they’re experiencing body dysphoria and this make them feel worse about themselves, but their vintage Metallica hoody makes them feel OK.
Or perhaps you want everyone to watch ‘A Christmas Story’ and it’s frustrating that someone in your family wants to watch Brooklyn 99, or the Gilmore Girls, or a Studio Ghibli movie, again. Slaving for hours over the perfect holiday meal, only to have your kiddo rummage in the pantry for ramen noodles? I bet that raises some hackles!
My point is that we seek comfort because it helps us to cope with our emotions and, in higher stress times, the tendency is to look for the things we know well, so there are no surprises, and nothing new for our brains and nervous systems to have to adapt to. So, if you’re noticing these comfort-seeking behaviours in your 2SLGBTQIA+ child, it’s a sure sign that they’re feeling stress in some way. At this point, it’s worth asking yourself what your intention for the holiday is – do you want it all to ‘look’ the way you imagined in your mind, regardless of whether everyone is happy or not? Or do you want to make people feel at ease, encourage each member of the family to join in by meeting their needs – and in the process, have a chance to experience real joy.
Summary
There are as many options to support your young 2SLGBTQIA+ loved ones as there are colours in the Pride rainbow! But the take-away is that validating our kiddos’ feelings, paying attention to their needs and asking what truly would help them the most are all good ways to make sure that everyone has a peaceful, happy and fulfilling holiday.
All of us at Alongside You and Step Forward Society wish you a very happy, healthy and peaceful holiday season, whatever and however you celebrate.
*our apologies to anyone actually named Zebediah! No offense intended.
by Kole Lawrence | Dec 8, 2025 | Communication, Family, holiday, Mental Health, Seasonal, Self Care, Teens, Tips
The holiday time is supposed to be this stretch of (often, freezing cold) time of laughing and warmth and horribly-corny-but-at-the-same-time-wonderfully-campy movies. And for many of us queers, parts of that holiday stretch are the best. But the holidays can also bring a sort of pressure that really isn’t normally talked about—it’s the pressure of going to, or being in, “home” environments that don’t always understand or show up for the you you.
This time of year can be, complicated. There’s often excitement and love mixed in, and also a lot of emotional navigating. For many queer youth, the holidays aren’t just holidays. They can be a kind of performance season where we try and pretend the only ugly part is our sweaters (which are actually just cute btw).
The unseen stuff queer & trans youth carry into December
Everyone’s experience is different. But some of our experiences are actually common. Here’s what we hear:
- Feeling watched. Not necessarily in a negative way. But even good intentions and genuine curiosity can feel like a lot when it’s nonstop. “What name should I call you?” can be fine, but who wants to answer it over and over and over, let alone to the same few people.
- Being asked questions you didn’t prepare for. “Do you have a boyfriend? Girlfriend?” “What pronouns, champ?” “What is the whole gender thing anyway?” Hey, I like talking about myself as much as the next person, but dare we chill? Since when are deeply personal and complex sexuality and gender identity transformations small talk? Sometimes it’s okay to just want to talk about Taylor Swift’s new album or Kris Jenner’s plastic surgery.
- Dealing with traditions that don’t fit anymore. Traditions can be such a mixed bag. Lots of us have really wonderful memories of traditions we did with our families, but often times traditions weren’t designed with queer and trans identities in mind. What’s important to remember though is if it doesn’t feel like we can be authentic in them, it’s okay to accept them as memories instead of rules.
Some quick tips if the holidays feel like… a lot
Here are just a few things that can help when the holiday energy starts feeling heavy. No “magic” here, just actual and doable things that may work for you:
- Use the bathroom as a breather. Okay, it sounds wild, but taking a few-minute break to breathe, text a friend, just chill out, can totally help just rest your nervous system which can make the next hour feel lighter.
- Have a couple of “neutral response” lines ready. Things like “I’m not getting into that today,” or “It’s a long story, but I’m okay,” can shut down uncomfortable questions without creating more chaos.
- Keep a comforting object in your pocket. Are Tamagotchis still a thing? Think about keeping something in your pocket that that you can fidget with if you want to or something that will just maybe help make you feel more grounded generally.
- Decide ahead of time what topics are off-limits for you. If someone wanders into something you’ve already decided is just not your preference to get into, remember to just not get into it if you can.
- Let yourself keep some things private. It’s not your job to educate everyone! You don’t have to justify language or identity. Privacy isn’t necessarily avoidance—things are allowed to feel and be personal.
The reality is that a lot of queer and trans youth head into December carrying stuff that isn’t always obvious. And sure, this time of year can be stressful or awkward or just… a lot. But it can also make space for embodying the version of yourself that feels honest that day. Remember: you are allowed to protect your peace. Keep honouring yourself, no less this month than any other month. You are okay. <3
Resources
LGBT National Help Centre
Free, confidential peer-support for 2SLGBTQ+ folks. Multiple lines including Youth, Seniors, and Coming Out support (not 24/7).
Website: https://lgbthotline.org
988 Suicide Crisis Helpline
Call or text for immediate support (not queer- or trans-specific).
Dial 988
Trans Lifeline
Peer-run support line for trans and nonbinary people (call only).
Phone: 877-330-6366
Website: https://translifeline.org
by Fiona Scott | Jul 26, 2024 | ADHD, Autism, Communication, Connection, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Tips
So, you have a friend who tells you they are ‘neurodivergent’. This might mean that they have autism, ADHD, Down’s syndrome, synaesthesia, Tourette’s syndrome… or a number of other conditions. Basically, it just means that their brains work a little differently than what is considered ‘typical’. This can mean that they are incredibly smart, creative and sensitive – but it can also mean that they may struggle with certain aspects of daily life. If you’re reading this blog post so that you can learn how to best support them and be their friend, read on!
What Should I Know About Neurodivergence?
It’s hard to describe the way in which sensory input can be overwhelming to people with neurodivergence. Not only can it make it even harder for the brain to process information through all the sensory “noise”, it can be really difficult to tolerate, to the point of being painful. You can help your friends by understanding what they need in order to deal with tough situations. For example, if you know that your friend is sensitive to noise, make sure they have their noise-cancelling headphones with them – make room in your bag if need be! Realize that even if they are doing something they love, they may need to take a break, go outside or to a quieter corner, chill out or regroup. You can always ask them what they need! If you’re going somewhere you know will be challenging, have a plan for if things get too much.
Don’t rely on your neurodivergent friend remembering something you told them, like what needs to be done before the party next week, or the deadline for the next academic paper. Especially if they are currently doing something else, stressed out, or coping with a lot of external sensory stimulation, they may converse with you and seem engaged, but may not be able to turn that input into longer-term memory. Ask your friend what works best to help them remember – is texting or emailing better? Do they want you to bug them until they put it into their Google calendars? They know what works for them best.
How Can I Be Supportive?
A lot of neurodivergent people rely on plans to help them to prepare for situations that might become overwhelming. So when plans change without warning, they can become really stressed out. As much as possible, try to stick to the plan and, if something happens to derail it, be prepared to do whatever will help, whether that’s getting a favourite “comfort” coffee drink, finding ways to make it easier, or even abandoning plans to try again another day. Again, don’t be afraid to ask the person what they need.
Neurodivergent people often feel really guilty about having to have people make extra effort for them. If you do have to go out of your way, do things differently from what you’re used to, or even abandon a planned outing, try not to make them feel bad. That doesn’t mean ignoring your own feelings – just try not to let your frustrations show too much. Guaranteed, they are even more frustrated than you are!
It’s wonderful to give choices, but when neurodivergent people get overwhelmed, sometimes it’s too much to have to make a decision. You can ask, “do you need me to make a decision for you?”, or maybe offer a choice of two options, rather than six. Obviously, this applies to questions like which takeout to choose … not which school to attend or career to pursue! Decision fatigue is also a real issue, which is why activities like grocery shopping can be really tough (as well as the overwhelming sensory stimuli). Sometimes, just being with your friend (known as body doubling) can help them to feel grounded enough to make progress themselves.
Learn More About Allyship
If you are interested in learning more about neurodivergence or how to better support your loved ones, please contact our Client Care Team to connect with an experienced clinician.
by Jonathan Hers | Mar 27, 2024 | Children, Communication, Connection, Encouragement, Mental Health, Parenting, Teens, Tips
What does Family Systems teach about being Parent-Oriented?
Let me paint a fictional yet very real picture:
“I can’t take it! This yelling is killing me,” Trish cried out to her husband in frustration.
Trish: 41 years old, married to Owen, mother of two boys (Jake, 9, and Sam, 14), and working part time at a Marketing firm – sat down with her head down.
She went on, “I’m exhausted… and feel more tyrant than parent! I can’t take much more…”
So much for the classic Christmas exclamation (yes, I’m still in the Christmas/New Years reflective mode) we wish we could all shout from the rooftops: “It’s a wonderful life!”
Trish’s internal dialogue:
What an absolute battle! Shouldn’t swimming lessons be fun? Nevermind my lovely intentions for him to make some friends, something he is clearly struggling to do.
Our internal critics can be ruthless in their judgements:
The tone you used was too intense! What sort of mother screams like this at her kids? Hopefully none of the neighbors heard that. It’s hopeless! I cannot stop this yelling. Am I just a bad mother?
It’s one of those moments when you have intrusive thoughts about how you wish you could escape all the commitments you have. You are trying to uphold an image of order and yet the cracks are forming and your will power is running dangerously low.
If this is you, breathe in and out deeply. Right now. Try it. It helps. Slowly breathe in and out again. Take your time. I’ll explain in a second. This is important.
There is hope.
There are new dance moves to learn! New songs you and your family can move to.
There is hope.
Do you sense a little doubt rising up? If so, go ahead and acknowledge that part of you that is skeptical. Take a moment, and acknowledge that inner skeptic. Listen to what it’s saying. Makes sense. Change is difficult. We’ve gone down this road too many times. Hope often feels out of reach.
Well, as a therapist and fellow human (who is new to the parenting game), I want to encourage you and share some steps you can take to become that peaceful presence you long to be within your family.
Take the First Step.
I want to encourage you: walking up those stairs to confront your child, to investigate the brewing chaos, or to engage in the struggle to get your kid to swimming lessons is so important. Being a parent is a sacred duty. As much as I can through the medium of a blog, I want to say this: Well done! Parenting is so important.
Some of the biggest names in psychology and parenting – Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté – together wrote a book called Hold Onto Your Kids and they repeatedly highlight the importance of our children being attached or connected to us as their parents. Perhaps this seems obvious but, in fact, researchers are seeing a trend of children becoming increasingly more attached to their peers than their parents. This means our kids are getting their cues or primary validation from their friends over us, their parents. Do your kids lean towards being peer-oriented or parent-oriented? A helpful sign is who do they turn to when in crisis? Or this: when your child is freaking out at you it’s a sign of their safety with you.
Whatever the answer may be, your involvement is critical. And that means walking up those stairs over and over again.
I think of the movie It’s a Wonderful Life where George Bailey doubts whether his life has made any difference in light of the chaotic forces of big business creeping in and widening the inequality gap. In a moment of despair George wishes he had never lived! The classic parental exclamation: “is anything I am doing making a difference!?” Spoiler warning. George Bailey gets his wish to see what his community would look like if he never lived…and what does he discover? His life, in fact, has positively impacted countless lives. This movie is a beautiful witness to the power of a life well lived. The takeaway? Our lives, our love, and each little decision we make has a significant impact in ways that, more often than not, we will never see.
Your attention, your love, your concern for your kids, even if it comes across not perfectly, is worthwhile, essential and life changing.
Take the Next Step.
So back to our main question: how do we end this seemingly endless screaming match and attain that wonderful life we all want?
Deep breath in. And breathe out slowly.
Here’s an answer according to Family Systems research:
One of the best things you can do for your kid is to focus NOT on your kids but to focus on yourself.
What? This is a strange invitation indeed.
Hal Runkl, a seasoned family therapist, puts it this way, “We all feel incredibly anxious about our kids, and their choices, and we don’t know what to do about it. We fret and worry about how our kids will turn out. Inevitably, we’re so focused on our kids that we don’t realize when this anxiety takes over—and we get reactive.” (Runkl, 2009, p. 9).
Hal continues, “First, it’s a given that there are things in this world we can control and things we cannot control. Now ask yourself this question: How smart is it to focus your energy on something you can’t do anything about, something you cannot control? Answer: Not very. Follow-up question: Which category do your kids fall into? In other words, are your children something you can control or something you cannot control? Here’s an even tougher question: Even if you could control your kids, should you? Is that what parenting is all about? And what if it’s not the kids who are out of control?” (Runkl, 2009, p. 11).
Compelling right? Take a moment to think about that paragraph. Not fully sold yet? That’s okay. Stay with me just a bit longer so I can paint a picture of what this sort of parenting might look like.
So the natural next question to ask is: what does it look like to focus on ourselves as parents?
Take A Different Step.
It means doing what I got you to do above.
First, breathe in. Breathe out.
Then, acknowledge the parts of yourself that rose up (the inner skeptic we acknowledged earlier).
And then finally, move towards your kids.
Hal Runkl puts it this way: calm down, grow up, get close.
This sort of parenting is less about mastering the available parenting techniques but harnessing what Edwin Friedman (another family therapist) calls a “non-anxious presence.” It’s less about skills to learn and more about managing our anxiety. It’s difficult but doable. And it works!
The power of harnessing a non-anxious presence is that if change occurs in one part of the family system, it affects the entire system. When anxiety rises in one person, it instantly impacts the entire family system. Like certain house heating systems: if the temperature drops, instantly the heating system alters to adjust the temperature. Thus, as the parent, when one lowers their own anxiety (perhaps through our three steps – calm down, grow up, and get close) you will immediately impact the entire family. In fact, our heightened anxiety often creates the very outcomes it seeks to prevent (check out counterwill and Otto Rank for more on this).
This is why the first step of harnessing a non-anxious presence is breathing or getting calm. This aligns with new research that teaches us about mirror neurons which activate in those around us in response to our emotional state (Rizzolatti & Craighero, 2004). Our brains are beautifully programmed to be really good at mirroring, or “getting in tune” with those around us. So, as you manage your breathing in high intensity situations, it will impact those you are around. So, first: calm down. Breathe.
Think Things Through.
Some questions to ponder related to our first step: what situations with your children make you the most reactive? What is said that typically triggers you? What are you feeling at that moment? Have you ever remained calm in the midst of family chaos? How did that affect those around you?
The second step – grow up – is about how we handle the anxiety that is inherent in our families. It’s about avoiding speedy responses (emotional reactivity), increasing our self-awareness, and taking time to really think.
Can you, in the heat of the moment as you walk up the stairs in response to the apparent chaos brewing, acknowledge the sadness, anger, and anxiety in you that is rising up?
Hal puts it this way, “the only way to retain a position of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves” (Runkl, 2009, p. 16). Part of growing up, and thus infusing peace into our families, is our ability to embrace the emotional intensity present, the painful words unleashed, and the immediate discomfort for long-term pay-off. This is the process of maturity: our sacred responsibility as parents.
“I hate you!” “You’re no fun… I want to go out Friday night.” “I don’t know how to do this homework!”
Cue anxiety. Do you feel it in your shoulders? This anxiety leads to two usual responses: Scream or avoid! Instead, each time this anxiety rises up it is an opportunity for us to grow up. And this process of pausing, thinking, and becoming aware of our own emotions, gives us enough space to think and respond from a non-anxious position… or as close as we can get to it.
So, the second step is to grow up: embrace your own anxiety, name the thoughts and emotions that come up, and take a moment to think.
I’ll keep the third step simple. The final step is to get close, which simply means remaining connected. From this place of calm move towards your kids.
The Take Home Message.
Let’s put this all together:
Your kids are fighting upstairs. Your heart rate starts to increase.. Angry thoughts start to arrive: “I’ve got dinner to make…I just put out five different fires today and now this kid is at it again!” These intrusive thoughts and more flood your brain.
Here is what you need to do.
Walk upstairs… slow your pace… (unless danger is truly on the table… but it probably isn’t)…. Breathe in and out… attempt to slow your heart rate… even a little bit. Become aware of the part of you that is angry… where do you experience it? What is its job for you? Then, enter the room…
In conclusion, peace enters our families not in the way we expect, not through focusing on our kids – something we cannot or shouldn’t control – but through focusing on ourselves. Calming down, growing up, and getting close.
References
Neufeld, G., & Maté, G. (2004). Hold On to Your Kids: why parents need to matter more than peers. Vintage Canada.
Rizzolatti, G., & Craighero, L. (2004). The mirror-neuron system. Annu. Rev. Neurosci., 27, 169-192.
Runkel, H. E. (2009). Screamfree parenting: The revolutionary approach to raising your kids by keeping your cool. Broadway.
