by Fiona Scott | Jul 26, 2024 | ADHD, Autism, Communication, Connection, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Tips
So, you have a friend who tells you they are ‘neurodivergent’. This might mean that they have autism, ADHD, Down’s syndrome, synaesthesia, Tourette’s syndrome… or a number of other conditions. Basically, it just means that their brains work a little differently than what is considered ‘typical’. This can mean that they are incredibly smart, creative and sensitive – but it can also mean that they may struggle with certain aspects of daily life. If you’re reading this blog post so that you can learn how to best support them and be their friend, read on!
What Should I Know About Neurodivergence?
It’s hard to describe the way in which sensory input can be overwhelming to people with neurodivergence. Not only can it make it even harder for the brain to process information through all the sensory “noise”, it can be really difficult to tolerate, to the point of being painful. You can help your friends by understanding what they need in order to deal with tough situations. For example, if you know that your friend is sensitive to noise, make sure they have their noise-cancelling headphones with them – make room in your bag if need be! Realize that even if they are doing something they love, they may need to take a break, go outside or to a quieter corner, chill out or regroup. You can always ask them what they need! If you’re going somewhere you know will be challenging, have a plan for if things get too much.
Don’t rely on your neurodivergent friend remembering something you told them, like what needs to be done before the party next week, or the deadline for the next academic paper. Especially if they are currently doing something else, stressed out, or coping with a lot of external sensory stimulation, they may converse with you and seem engaged, but may not be able to turn that input into longer-term memory. Ask your friend what works best to help them remember – is texting or emailing better? Do they want you to bug them until they put it into their Google calendars? They know what works for them best.
How Can I Be Supportive?
A lot of neurodivergent people rely on plans to help them to prepare for situations that might become overwhelming. So when plans change without warning, they can become really stressed out. As much as possible, try to stick to the plan and, if something happens to derail it, be prepared to do whatever will help, whether that’s getting a favourite “comfort” coffee drink, finding ways to make it easier, or even abandoning plans to try again another day. Again, don’t be afraid to ask the person what they need.
Neurodivergent people often feel really guilty about having to have people make extra effort for them. If you do have to go out of your way, do things differently from what you’re used to, or even abandon a planned outing, try not to make them feel bad. That doesn’t mean ignoring your own feelings – just try not to let your frustrations show too much. Guaranteed, they are even more frustrated than you are!
It’s wonderful to give choices, but when neurodivergent people get overwhelmed, sometimes it’s too much to have to make a decision. You can ask, “do you need me to make a decision for you?”, or maybe offer a choice of two options, rather than six. Obviously, this applies to questions like which takeout to choose … not which school to attend or career to pursue! Decision fatigue is also a real issue, which is why activities like grocery shopping can be really tough (as well as the overwhelming sensory stimuli). Sometimes, just being with your friend (known as body doubling) can help them to feel grounded enough to make progress themselves.
Learn More About Allyship
If you are interested in learning more about neurodivergence or how to better support your loved ones, please contact our Client Care Team to connect with an experienced clinician.
by Jonathan Hers | Mar 27, 2024 | Children, Communication, Connection, Encouragement, Mental Health, Parenting, Teens, Tips
What does Family Systems teach about being Parent-Oriented?
Let me paint a fictional yet very real picture:
“I can’t take it! This yelling is killing me,” Trish cried out to her husband in frustration.
Trish: 41 years old, married to Owen, mother of two boys (Jake, 9, and Sam, 14), and working part time at a Marketing firm – sat down with her head down.
She went on, “I’m exhausted… and feel more tyrant than parent! I can’t take much more…”
So much for the classic Christmas exclamation (yes, I’m still in the Christmas/New Years reflective mode) we wish we could all shout from the rooftops: “It’s a wonderful life!”
Trish’s internal dialogue:
What an absolute battle! Shouldn’t swimming lessons be fun? Nevermind my lovely intentions for him to make some friends, something he is clearly struggling to do.
Our internal critics can be ruthless in their judgements:
The tone you used was too intense! What sort of mother screams like this at her kids? Hopefully none of the neighbors heard that. It’s hopeless! I cannot stop this yelling. Am I just a bad mother?
It’s one of those moments when you have intrusive thoughts about how you wish you could escape all the commitments you have. You are trying to uphold an image of order and yet the cracks are forming and your will power is running dangerously low.
If this is you, breathe in and out deeply. Right now. Try it. It helps. Slowly breathe in and out again. Take your time. I’ll explain in a second. This is important.
There is hope.
There are new dance moves to learn! New songs you and your family can move to.
There is hope.
Do you sense a little doubt rising up? If so, go ahead and acknowledge that part of you that is skeptical. Take a moment, and acknowledge that inner skeptic. Listen to what it’s saying. Makes sense. Change is difficult. We’ve gone down this road too many times. Hope often feels out of reach.
Well, as a therapist and fellow human (who is new to the parenting game), I want to encourage you and share some steps you can take to become that peaceful presence you long to be within your family.
Take the First Step.
I want to encourage you: walking up those stairs to confront your child, to investigate the brewing chaos, or to engage in the struggle to get your kid to swimming lessons is so important. Being a parent is a sacred duty. As much as I can through the medium of a blog, I want to say this: Well done! Parenting is so important.
Some of the biggest names in psychology and parenting – Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté – together wrote a book called Hold Onto Your Kids and they repeatedly highlight the importance of our children being attached or connected to us as their parents. Perhaps this seems obvious but, in fact, researchers are seeing a trend of children becoming increasingly more attached to their peers than their parents. This means our kids are getting their cues or primary validation from their friends over us, their parents. Do your kids lean towards being peer-oriented or parent-oriented? A helpful sign is who do they turn to when in crisis? Or this: when your child is freaking out at you it’s a sign of their safety with you.
Whatever the answer may be, your involvement is critical. And that means walking up those stairs over and over again.
I think of the movie It’s a Wonderful Life where George Bailey doubts whether his life has made any difference in light of the chaotic forces of big business creeping in and widening the inequality gap. In a moment of despair George wishes he had never lived! The classic parental exclamation: “is anything I am doing making a difference!?” Spoiler warning. George Bailey gets his wish to see what his community would look like if he never lived…and what does he discover? His life, in fact, has positively impacted countless lives. This movie is a beautiful witness to the power of a life well lived. The takeaway? Our lives, our love, and each little decision we make has a significant impact in ways that, more often than not, we will never see.
Your attention, your love, your concern for your kids, even if it comes across not perfectly, is worthwhile, essential and life changing.
Take the Next Step.
So back to our main question: how do we end this seemingly endless screaming match and attain that wonderful life we all want?
Deep breath in. And breathe out slowly.
Here’s an answer according to Family Systems research:
One of the best things you can do for your kid is to focus NOT on your kids but to focus on yourself.
What? This is a strange invitation indeed.
Hal Runkl, a seasoned family therapist, puts it this way, “We all feel incredibly anxious about our kids, and their choices, and we don’t know what to do about it. We fret and worry about how our kids will turn out. Inevitably, we’re so focused on our kids that we don’t realize when this anxiety takes over—and we get reactive.” (Runkl, 2009, p. 9).
Hal continues, “First, it’s a given that there are things in this world we can control and things we cannot control. Now ask yourself this question: How smart is it to focus your energy on something you can’t do anything about, something you cannot control? Answer: Not very. Follow-up question: Which category do your kids fall into? In other words, are your children something you can control or something you cannot control? Here’s an even tougher question: Even if you could control your kids, should you? Is that what parenting is all about? And what if it’s not the kids who are out of control?” (Runkl, 2009, p. 11).
Compelling right? Take a moment to think about that paragraph. Not fully sold yet? That’s okay. Stay with me just a bit longer so I can paint a picture of what this sort of parenting might look like.
So the natural next question to ask is: what does it look like to focus on ourselves as parents?
Take A Different Step.
It means doing what I got you to do above.
First, breathe in. Breathe out.
Then, acknowledge the parts of yourself that rose up (the inner skeptic we acknowledged earlier).
And then finally, move towards your kids.
Hal Runkl puts it this way: calm down, grow up, get close.
This sort of parenting is less about mastering the available parenting techniques but harnessing what Edwin Friedman (another family therapist) calls a “non-anxious presence.” It’s less about skills to learn and more about managing our anxiety. It’s difficult but doable. And it works!
The power of harnessing a non-anxious presence is that if change occurs in one part of the family system, it affects the entire system. When anxiety rises in one person, it instantly impacts the entire family system. Like certain house heating systems: if the temperature drops, instantly the heating system alters to adjust the temperature. Thus, as the parent, when one lowers their own anxiety (perhaps through our three steps – calm down, grow up, and get close) you will immediately impact the entire family. In fact, our heightened anxiety often creates the very outcomes it seeks to prevent (check out counterwill and Otto Rank for more on this).
This is why the first step of harnessing a non-anxious presence is breathing or getting calm. This aligns with new research that teaches us about mirror neurons which activate in those around us in response to our emotional state (Rizzolatti & Craighero, 2004). Our brains are beautifully programmed to be really good at mirroring, or “getting in tune” with those around us. So, as you manage your breathing in high intensity situations, it will impact those you are around. So, first: calm down. Breathe.
Think Things Through.
Some questions to ponder related to our first step: what situations with your children make you the most reactive? What is said that typically triggers you? What are you feeling at that moment? Have you ever remained calm in the midst of family chaos? How did that affect those around you?
The second step – grow up – is about how we handle the anxiety that is inherent in our families. It’s about avoiding speedy responses (emotional reactivity), increasing our self-awareness, and taking time to really think.
Can you, in the heat of the moment as you walk up the stairs in response to the apparent chaos brewing, acknowledge the sadness, anger, and anxiety in you that is rising up?
Hal puts it this way, “the only way to retain a position of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves” (Runkl, 2009, p. 16). Part of growing up, and thus infusing peace into our families, is our ability to embrace the emotional intensity present, the painful words unleashed, and the immediate discomfort for long-term pay-off. This is the process of maturity: our sacred responsibility as parents.
“I hate you!” “You’re no fun… I want to go out Friday night.” “I don’t know how to do this homework!”
Cue anxiety. Do you feel it in your shoulders? This anxiety leads to two usual responses: Scream or avoid! Instead, each time this anxiety rises up it is an opportunity for us to grow up. And this process of pausing, thinking, and becoming aware of our own emotions, gives us enough space to think and respond from a non-anxious position… or as close as we can get to it.
So, the second step is to grow up: embrace your own anxiety, name the thoughts and emotions that come up, and take a moment to think.
I’ll keep the third step simple. The final step is to get close, which simply means remaining connected. From this place of calm move towards your kids.
The Take Home Message.
Let’s put this all together:
Your kids are fighting upstairs. Your heart rate starts to increase.. Angry thoughts start to arrive: “I’ve got dinner to make…I just put out five different fires today and now this kid is at it again!” These intrusive thoughts and more flood your brain.
Here is what you need to do.
Walk upstairs… slow your pace… (unless danger is truly on the table… but it probably isn’t)…. Breathe in and out… attempt to slow your heart rate… even a little bit. Become aware of the part of you that is angry… where do you experience it? What is its job for you? Then, enter the room…
In conclusion, peace enters our families not in the way we expect, not through focusing on our kids – something we cannot or shouldn’t control – but through focusing on ourselves. Calming down, growing up, and getting close.
References
Neufeld, G., & Maté, G. (2004). Hold On to Your Kids: why parents need to matter more than peers. Vintage Canada.
Rizzolatti, G., & Craighero, L. (2004). The mirror-neuron system. Annu. Rev. Neurosci., 27, 169-192.
Runkel, H. E. (2009). Screamfree parenting: The revolutionary approach to raising your kids by keeping your cool. Broadway.
by Rachelle Kostelyk Pals | Nov 7, 2019 | Communication, Counselling, Tips
Research shows that client engagement in the counselling process strongly predicts the success of treatment.1 In other words, when you arrive, you are not coming to be fixed by a counsellor, but instead to work in partnership with them. There are several ways that you can prepare yourself for a successful experience in counselling, but ultimately your only job is to show up, and however, you do so is commendable and brave.
Know Your Preferences and Needs
Here are some things you might consider before coming to see a counsellor at Alongside You. First, think about what kind of counsellor you believe would be a good fit for you. Your preference may vary depending on your phase of life, and unique circumstance, and that’s okay. Some people prefer a female or male counsellor (for reasons of comfortability or life experience), someone within a certain age demographic, or someone who works within a specific therapeutic model. You may also have a need for someone very soft and gentle, or you may need someone who is willing to challenge you directly. If you can come up with ideas on these preferences, we can help to guide you in picking a counsellor.
It’s also helpful to know what it is you’d like help with. You may feel like your list of concerns are long and complex. That’s ok, you’re not alone. Although it can feel overwhelming to narrow it down, it is often helpful to come to your appointment with one or two issues that are, at present, the most problematic for you. It doesn’t mean this can’t change over time because it often does, it just means there’s some focus to start out the work. That said, sometimes we don’t know what’s wrong, we just know that something is not right and we need help figuring out what’s going on. That’s okay too!
Openness in Counselling
When you arrive for your first appointment, try to be as open as you can to establish a relationship with your counsellor. Research indicates that the therapeutic alliance (the relationship between the counsellor and client) strongly determines the effectiveness of therapy.2 The therapeutic alliance will go the distance when you work through difficult things together and so we (as counsellors and as clients) cannot overlook the significance of trust, empathy, and connection. We understand that it’s a big ask! As part of our professional practice, counsellors do clinical supervision, and many also have their own personal counsellors that they see. You may find it helpful to know that it’s not easy for us either when we’re the ones “on the couch.”
Honesty & Feedback
If part of what makes counselling effective is the therapeutic alliance, the relationship between the counsellor and the client should be strong enough to handle honesty. As counsellors, we value when clients provide honest feedback. This can occur at the moment (“I don’t think you have a clear understanding of what I meant by that”), or after working together for some time (“I find that I feel frustrated when we start our sessions a few minutes late, and I wanted to let you know”). Counsellors want to hear if something is, or is not, working for you. When you don’t agree, or don’t feel your counsellor is fully understanding you, your counsellor prefers that you speak up. Statistically, when a client offers feedback, it usually serves to strengthen the therapeutic relationship, not weaken it.3
Furthermore, be honest about what you believe you need from counselling, whether it be guidance, problem-solving, empathic response, acceptance, non-judgement, or practical insight. It is okay to communicate this. Although each counsellor and client will naturally create a dynamic (or a certain way of being with one another), your counsellor will be better equipped to work with you if they have a clear understanding of your needs. It helps your counsellor to know your objectives for therapy, but also, it can provide insight as to who you are as a person.
Homework
As you participate in counselling, aim to implement some of the homework (sometimes called “between-session interventions”) agreed upon in counselling. Counselling homework usually consists of experimenting with new behaviours, making cognitive shifts, acknowledging feelings in specific moments, or keeping track of a combination of all three during the time you are not with us. Homework, at its best, enables integration between the counselling hour and the client’s regular life. Ultimately, homework can be a meaningful way of facilitating healing and growth outside of the time spent with your counsellor.4 As my supervisor, Andrew Neufeld, sometimes illustrates – if you go to see a physiotherapist for your knee and the only work you do is with the physio in session, your knee will likely eventually get better but it will be a long, drawn-out process; whereas, if you do exercises in between sessions your recovery will likely proceed exponentially faster. The same is true for counselling – the work you do between sessions will significantly influence the speed at which you recover and heal.
Self-Compassion
Last, and perhaps most significant, try to practice self-compassion as you enter and proceed with therapy.5 Counselling can be exhausting, and emotional, and it always requires bravery. Your counsellor knows this and appreciates this about you. Try to be especially gentle with yourself during the process, and treat yourself with tenderness, care, and grace.
- Shaw, S., & Murray, K. (2014). Monitoring Alliance and Outcome with Client Feedback Measures. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 36(1), 43–57. https://doi.org/10.17744/mehc.36.1.n5g64t3014231862
- Duff, C. T., & Bedi, R. P. (2010). Counsellor behaviours that predict therapeutic alliance: From the client’s perspective. Counselling Psychology Quarterly, 23(1), 91–110. https://doi.org/10.1080/09515071003688165
- Murphy, K. P., Rashleigh, C. M., & Timulak, L. (2012). The relationship between progress feedback and therapeutic outcome in student counselling: A randomised control trial. Counselling Psychology Quarterly, 25(1), 1–18. https://doi.org/10.1080/09515070.2012.662349
- Cronin, T. J., Lawrence, K. A., Taylor, K., Norton, P. J., & Kazantzis, N. (2015). Integrating Between-Session Interventions (Homework) in Therapy: The Importance of the Therapeutic Relationship and Cognitive Case Conceptualization: Therapeutic Relationship and Homework. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 71(5), 439–450. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22180
- Galili-Weinstock, L., Chen, R., Atzil-Slonim, D., Bar-Kalifa, E., Peri, T., & Rafaeli, E. (2018). The association between self-compassion and treatment outcomes: Session-level and treatment-level effects. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 74(6), 849–866. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22569
by Rebecca Farnell | Aug 15, 2019 | Children, Communication, holiday, Seasonal, Tips
Cue music. “It’s the most… won-der-ful time… of… the… Year!” Nope, not Christmas just yet. It’s BACK TO SCHOOL time. While this realization might bring fear to some and joy to others, the reality is that September is going to be here sooner than we know it. I wanted to take some time to address how families and students can prepare for school in a positive way. I wonder, how can the change of summer routine into the school routine be met with anticipation instead of dread?
This summer, I had the privilege to run into my very first teacher: Mme Buss. She taught me kindergarten, Grade 1 and Grade 2. I remember how much I loved learned from her. I was in French Immersion and can recall looking up at her and speaking rather loudly saying, “I don’t understand what you are saying!” To which, she would continue to reply back in French and point to what I needed to be doing. Now multiply that by 25 students. Personally, I think teachers are real-life heroes. They have dedicated their career to help, support, encourage, teach and champion students. This is no small feat.
I have connected with some teachers and asked for their input, I mean they have gone back to school for years, so they are getting pretty good at it. In fact, the information that they shared with me was too much for one blog post, so stay tuned for Part 2. I love a good alliteration so this post will focus on TRUST, TEAM, and TRANSITION.
Building Trust With Your Child’s Teacher
The resounding message that was repeated over and over again was trust. It is vital for parents to trust teachers and vice versa. Perhaps, you as a parent might have had a negative experience with a teacher either as a student yourself or your child. Yet, it is so important to understand that teachers are doing the best job they can. Trust them that they are working for your child’s best interest. Trust takes time to foster and grow.
A counsellor who works in the school shared her thoughts: “I would like parents to hear… please trust me! If there are things going on with your family and I can help, please come talk to me! If your kiddo is struggling or you need support, I have resources! And if I offer you services, it’s because I care about your child and want them to be healthy and happy – it’s not a criticism of you or your parenting. Please don’t feel bothered or threatened if your child wants to talk to me – I’m here to listen without judgment. Also, while my primary job is to support the kids, if you need an ear, I will do my best to lend one!”
Another teacher explained: “When we have a fuller picture of what struggles and accomplishments a child is going through, we are more prepared to work with them and the family. It also goes a long way to speak in positive ways about your child’s teacher. We do the same for parents. For example, we always take stories from home with a grain of salt – kids don’t see the full picture of what all happened at school.”
Trust denotes belief, confidence and faith. These reflect the attitudes that are so crucial to have when building trust. There needs to be a belief in the skills and knowledge that a teacher’s posses. We must have confidence in the teacher’s capacity and care for your child and lastly, faith in the understanding that trust is built through connection and engagement.
Some things to think about:
- How would the school year be different, if you started to cultivate trust with your child’s teacher? What would trust look like?
- Imagine the impact of starting the school year with gratitude and acknowledging the hard work that each teacher puts in and thanking your child’s teacher? How can you share this gratefulness with your child’s teacher?
The Importance of Teamwork
It has been said that teamwork makes the dream work. This cannot be truer for parents, students and teachers, they are a team. I loved how one teacher expressed their perspective: “Teachers and families are a team. Families are their child’s first and best teacher, we (teachers) have so much to learn from them. We want to know about their child, big things, celebrations, important changes, please continue to inform us.”
Parents and teachers are not in competition with one another. They are a team and have a common goal: what’s best for your child. Another teacher spoke about the power of assuming the best of your child’s teacher by explaining, “teachers and parents need to be a team in order to best support the learning of each child. The attitude of ‘I am going to talk to that teacher and fix this problem!’ has way less value than, ‘I am going to talk to the teacher and see how we can work together to resolve an issue.’ Approach teachers with an assumption that they love this child and want the best for them…one of the safest assumptions ever!’” Each person has a different role in the team and yet, they are part of the team nonetheless. Play to your strengths. Speak with kindness and grace. Be generous in your assumptions of teachers.
Another teacher brought humour and humility through their words: “Though educators are “experts” in our area, we are not experts of your child – you are, dear parent/guardian! We respect that, yet our advice/comments/suggestions are to help guide your child to success as they select from the menu of school – what they like, don’t like, enjoy, are curious about – those topics, subjects and activities are where our strengths are but knowing your child as well as you do can only happen thanks to what you share and they share with us. Together we make up a three-legged stool – teacher/home/child – all equally important in the quest to reach the cookies on the top shelf.”
Some things to think about:
- Consider teaming up (see what I did there?!) and writing a letter with your child to your child’s teacher. Sharing with the teacher all about your child, letting them know the things that help your child learn best and some of the areas that are challenging for them.
- If your schedule allows it, consider showing your commitment to being part of the team by volunteering to help the teacher in whatever capacity they need.
- A small token of appreciation always helps to build a sense of teamwork, cookies anyone?
How To Manage Transitions
Switching from summer mode to school mode is challenging for the best of us. I would be remised if I didn’t speak about transitions. Transitions are hard. They can be unpredictable, confusing, and downright frustrating. It is so important to help prepare your child for the upcoming school year. An insider’s perspective shared this practical advice: “September is a big transition. Give it time. Your child may be off and act unusually. Give it 6 weeks. Compare it to you starting a new job. You’re on and trying to follow the rules, build relationships and do your best all day every day. When you come home, you want to crash, veg out, etc. As an adult, you have some strategies and abilities to set boundaries, self-regulate etc. Kids don’t necessarily have those yet. So, expect meltdowns. Expect tired and hungry kids. Expect your child to be great for the first week and then refuse to come the second, make sure you still bring them. Routine is key”.
Some tips and tricks to make transitions easier:
- Have a schedule/calendar where children can see it, so they know what is coming up and can prepare
- Take time for exercise, if possible, get outside and enjoy nature.
- Encourage your child to get lots of sleep, and you too while you are at it.
- When possible, enjoy healthy food together
- Make time to just play and hang after school, if possible save joining piano, dance, swimming for later.
- Read with your child every night.
- As your child’s best BIG person, the best thing you can do for your child at home is to model healthy living habits, love and support. Turn off screens and connect with your children.
Some things to think about:
- What tips will you incorporate for your family to help encourage a successful transition back to school?
- Consider doing some back to school shopping with your child and take some time to connect and ask how your child is feeling about the upcoming changes? How can you work together to make this school year a great one?
Going back to school brings up a myriad of emotions for both parents and students. However, there are people to support both you and your child. Alongside You provides counselling services for parents and children. If you are wanting more information or tools to know how to best support your child going back to school, please do not hesitate to reach out and contact me, or one of the many counsellors who would be more than happy to help you.
I can appreciate the not everyone has a positive experience with school. Please stay tuned for Part 2 of the Back to School Blog that will provide resources and suggestions for those students who find school a bit more challenging and need extra support.
by Alannah Mcintee | Nov 8, 2018 | Communication, Connection, Depression
It can be difficult to know what to say or do when someone has experienced a loss. It is a delicate subject to approach since we do not want to say the wrong thing or come off as intruding or prying towards someone who is grieving. We don’t want to add to anyone’s pain, so sometimes we go back and forth between being present and supportive, to taking a step back and giving a person their space to cope. Both of these can be beneficial for the other person, but our uncertainty about how to respond can make us feel unhelpful or that we are adding to their pain. When it comes to offering support, however, being present and available to help or spending time with them can be healing.
What else can we do to be supportive during this difficult time? Here are a few practical ideas of how to help a friend or family member who is grieving:
- Know what “normal” grief is and how to respond – check out my last article for a primer
- Know that there is no one right way to grieve, every response and emotion is valid; people who are grieving may feel relief, guilt, anger, emptiness, sadness, etc. These emotions may be intense or extreme or they may be more mild. Be prepared for any reaction, and know that the reaction isn’t about you, it’s a response to pain.
- There is no timeline or linear process to grief; each grief process is unique. People will cope in whatever way feels right for them and will take as long as they need.
- Expressing support
- Be empathetic by acknowledging the bereaved individual’s feelings (e.g. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you). Showing acceptance and support of their emotions, whether it’s anger, sadness, or otherwise, can provide a safe space for the person to experience their emotions openly.
- Give them space to tell their story. The person may want to discuss the details of their loss repeatedly or in detail as a way to come to terms with what has happened.
- Reach out to the person who is grieving whether it be through a phone call or an in-person visit. Remember them as time goes on and check in. Many times, people respond immediately and then support fades quickly.
- Avoid saying things like: “Everything happens for a reason”, “They’re in a better place”, “At least…”, “It’s time to move on”, “I know how you feel”, “You can always have another child/get another job/get remarried”, “Time heals all wounds.” Avoid finding a silver lining to the loss or trying to fix what’s happened.
- Instead, say things like: “I’m here for you.”, “I don’t know what to say, but I care.”, “I’ll call you/visit in a few days.”, “What can I do?”, “I can’t imagine what you must be going through.”
- Saying nothing and just listen. It’s okay to listen or just be present with the other person. Sometimes there’s nothing at all that we can And certainly, whatever we say is unlikely to make the situation better.
- Providing practical support can be very helpful, such as offering to:
- Help with arrangements related to the loss, such as funeral arrangements, packing, finding a new place to live, etc.
- Complete household chores or run errands
- Cook or drop off meals in non-reusable containers so they don’t have to worry about washing your dishes and getting them back to you
- Watch their children or pets if needed, giving them time for themselves
- Help with insurance or other paperwork
- Answer or make phones calls or for them
- Take them out for a meal or a movie
- Watch for signs of depressed feelings or complicated grief
- We’ll take as long as we need to cope with our loss, but we do need to eventually come to terms with what has happened. Over time, we’ll adjust to a new normal and be able to move forward. However, sometimes we don’t move on and get stuck, which is called complicated grief which involves:
- Being unable to move on from the loss
- Being unable to carry out daily routines
- Isolating ourselves
- Having feelings of intense loneliness, numbness, or sorrow
- Wishing to be dead with the loved one who has passed
Depression can also occur and is often a part of complicated grief. The challenge with depression and complicated grief is they can be hard to tease apart, and often co-exist. Both can come in waves, or be constant companions.
If you’re noticing a complexity in the grief of a loved one, or signs of depression, then it’s best to encourage your loved one to seek out mental health support such as counselling. This can provide a space for emotions and thoughts related to the loss to be processed and allow for healing to occur. It can also provide an invaluable resource for depression and trauma screening by experienced professionals who can direct care most appropriately.
A loss isn’t something that can be fixed or repaired; it is something that has to be lived with. The pain cannot be taken away, so instead, we can help others by sitting with them in their pain. It is okay not to know what to say or how to help; if we can show up, listen, and be present, then that’s enough, and is valuable!
References
Complications of Grief. (2017). Retrieved from https://www.healthlinkbc.ca/health-topics/aa129291
Grief and Loss Resources. (2017). Retrieved from https://livingthroughloss.ca/
Helping Someone Who’s Grieving. (2018). Retrieved from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm
by Marcia Moitoso | Oct 19, 2018 | Anxiety, Communication, Counselling
In my previous blog post, I talked a bit about what social anxiety is and the many strengths that people prone to social anxiety often show. I recommend reading that post first, but as a little re-cap, people who develop social anxiety are often highly compassionate, conscientious and creative. They tend to feel deeply which can either lead to anxiety or an ability to creatively explore their world with curiosity. What often stands in the way of the ability to creatively explore their world is an intense fear that they are not good enough. If you’re struggling with social anxiety, I’d like to offer some strategies to move past that fear while maintaining your many strengths!
How to Hold on to the Good Traits of Social Anxiety and Work Towards Growth
Get out of your own head and turn your attention outward
When we feel socially anxious, we tend to turn inward and start monitoring ourselves. Thoughts like “why did I just say that,” or “what if I just offended her,” circle around and around in our heads and take up all of our mental energy so we often then freeze and can’t think of anything to say.
When you notice this happening, turn your attention outward. Focus on who you’re talking to and listen closely to what they’re saying. This takes our focus away from what we think we’ve done wrong and frees up our mental capacity to be able to engage in the conversation with natural curiosity. Studies show that doing this dramatically increases a person’s likability, and also combats our fears.
Expose yourself to social situations and allow confidence to catch up with you
Don’t wait until you feel ready to give that toast or attend that party! Usually, when we start doing something, our mood follows – you’re more adaptable than you think. If it doesn’t go well the first time, keep practicing. If you persevere, the skill and confidence will catch up with you.
This allows you to refute the two lies your anxiety is telling you:
- The worst-case scenario will definitely happen
- You can’t handle what life throws at you
When we face social fears, we learn that we can live through it and it’s never as bad as we think.
tip: sign up for an introductory improv class. In improv, there is no script and you’re put in a situation where you’re forced to make mistakes in front of others. Sounds terrifying right? I thought so too so I tried it at the height of my social anxiety and it ended up being surprisingly safe. At first, it was embarrassing but then I realized everyone was being embarrassed too. Improv helps us to develop the skills to navigate unstructured social situations that cause anxiety in the real world.
If you drink at a social engagement, do it because you want to, not because you have to
A lot of people drink to make themselves feel more confident in social engagements; after all, it is called “liquid courage.” The problem is that if you do have a good time while drinking, the tendency is to give the alcohol the credit, not you. In reality, that person who was having a good time navigating an otherwise anxiety-provoking situation was you without inhibition. You have that confidence within yourself and you can access it with practice; in facing your fears, you don’t need the alcohol.
Dare to Be Average (Dr. David Burns)
A lot of anxiety comes from our belief that we need to be perfect in social situations. We believe that if we stumble over our words or pause in a conversation, people will see our flaws and reject us. There’s a whole list of “musts” that come with that belief:
“I must be entertaining”
“I must sound smart”
“I must carry the conversation for both of us”
Everyone pauses in conversations, loses their train of thought and says something awkward from time to time; it makes us human and it’s endearing. Dr. David Burns encourages us to “dare to be average.” He reminds us that people are attracted to people who own their averageness because most of us are average. It’s relatable, it’s honest and it’s human. As Dr. Kristin Neff says, “we’re all on this long, awkward journey together.” If you’ve experienced an embarrassing moment, a million other people have had that same embarrassing moment – you’re not alone.
Create a structure for yourself in social engagements
Simon Thompson and Ronald M. Rapee (2002) found that in structured social interactions, people with social anxiety showed a much higher level of social skill than in unstructured social engagements. Dealing with the unpredictable creates anxiety for many people so next time you’re in an anxiety-provoking social setting, create a structure for yourself. Dr. Hendricks suggests giving yourself little missions at parties such as taking to 3 people you don’t know and finding out as much as you can about them. This creates some predictability and some direction in the social interaction.
Dr. Hendrickson’s Tips for Making New friendships
a) Repetition – Show up!
It takes an average of 6 hangouts for someone to consider a person a friend. Many people with social anxiety become discouraged when they work up the courage to go to a social engagement and don’t come away with a new friend. But in reality, this almost never happens for anyone. The way to make new friends is to keep showing up and to see the same people over and over again. Some options might be joining a fitness class with consistent members, dropping the kids off at school and saying hello to the same parents each day or going to a café at the same time each day.
b) Self-disclosure
Many people with social anxiety have trouble talking about themselves for a variety of reasons that may feel really valid after past hurts. Dr. Hendrickson urges us to push through and to gradually share a bit about what you think, feel and do with a person you want to be friends with. Friendships are reciprocal, so gradually the other person will begin to share about themselves as well. People are generally interested in what the world looks like from another’s point of view.
c) Just be kind
Many people think they need to appear confident and competent in order to make friends. In reality, people are drawn to warmth, kindness and trustworthiness. You don’t have to appear confident, just be nice and curious.
Practice self-compassion
Shame feeds social anxiety, but if you can think about yourself in the same way you’d think about another person you care about, it will help you to forgive yourself when you make a social blunder that feels so painful and isolating. Dr. Kristin Neff has an amazing website full of free exercises to help build self-compassion. My favourite is the self-compassion break which is a guided mindfulness exercise that takes only 5 minutes.
Find the exercises here: https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#exercises
Counselling
Social anxiety can be completely unbearable and painful and so it can be hard to take any of the above steps on your own. A counsellor can help work with you, at a pace that feels safe for you, to remove the blocks of shame and fear that are inhibiting you from living the life you want to live. If you’re struggling, please don’t hesitate to reach out to a counsellor who can help you with this. You’re too important to deprive the world of getting to know you!
Sources
Burns, D. D. (2008). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Harper: New York.
Hendrickson, E. (2018). How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. St. Martin’s Press: New York.
Moscovitch, D. A. (2009). What Is the Core Fear in Social Phobia? A New Model to Facilitate Individualized Case Conceptualization and Treatment. Cognitive and Behavioural Practice, 16, 123-124. Available from https://uwaterloo.ca/psychology/sites/ca.psychology/files/uploads/files/moscovitch_2009.pdf
Neff, K. (2018). Self Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/
Richards, T. A. (2018). What is social anxiety? Social Anxiety Institute. Retrieved from https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/what-is-social-anxiety
Thompson, S., & Rapee, R. M. (2002). The effect of situational structure on the social performance of socially anxious and non-anxious participants. Journal of Behaviour Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 33(2), 91-102. DOI: 10.1016/S0005-7916(02)00021-6 ·
