by Tracy Mortensen | Sep 22, 2026 | ADHD, Anxiety, Children, Communication, Connection, Counselling, Education, Emotional, emotional regulation, Encouragement, Family, Forgive, Forgiveness, Guidance, Health, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Motivation, Parenting, Reflection, Resources, Safety, Self Confidence, Stress, Teens, Therapy, Tips |
When a child is struggling with big emotions, it can be tempting to immediately reach for a strategy.
“Take a deep breath.”, “Count to 10.”, “Go somewhere quiet.”, “Use your coping skills.”
These strategies can be helpful, but there is an important step that comes before them: Awareness
Before children can effectively use strategies to manage their emotions, they first need to begin understanding what they are feeling, what is happening in their body, what may have triggered the emotion, and what they need.
Think of it as: Awareness → Understanding → Strategy → Regulation
If we skip the awareness piece, we can end up asking children to use strategies without really understanding why they need them or when to use them.
The good news? Parents don’t need to have all the answers. Everyday moments can become opportunities for children to learn about their emotions. And parents don’t have to figure it all out on their own. Counselling can provide an opportunity for parents, children, and counsellors to work together as a team building understanding, discovering what works best for each child, and developing emotional skills that can be practised both in counselling and at home.
What Is Emotional Awareness?
Emotional awareness is the ability to notice and understand our emotions.
For children, this can include learning to:
- Recognize different emotions
• Put words to how they are feeling
• Notice how emotions show up in their bodies
• Understand what may have triggered a feeling
• Recognize that more than one emotion can happen at the same time
• Understand that emotions change
• Communicate what they need
For example, a child might initially say:
“I’m mad!”
With support, they may eventually recognize:
“I’m frustrated because I couldn’t do it, and now I’m embarrassed.”
That is emotional awareness in action.
How Can Parents Help Build Emotional Awareness?
Start With Noticing
Children don’t always have the words to tell us what they are feeling. Sometimes their behaviour communicates it first.
Instead of immediately trying to fix the behaviour, pause and become curious about what might be happening underneath it.
You might say
“You seem really frustrated. I wonder what happened.”
“You seem a little quiet today. I wonder if something is worrying you.”
The goal isn’t to guess exactly what your child is feeling. It’s to help them slow down and start noticing what might be happening emotionally. Behaviour can be a clue to an emotion.
Help Children Put Words to Their Feelings
Children often start with a few basic emotion words: happy, sad, mad, and scared. Over time, parents can help expand their emotional vocabulary. For example, instead of only using “mad,” children might learn words such as frustrated, annoyed, disappointed, or overwhelmed.
Instead of only using “scared,” they might learn to recognize worried, nervous, uncertain, or overwhelmed. You don’t have to quiz your child about their emotions. Simply offering different words gives them opportunities to explore what fits.
You might say:
“Do you think you’re feeling frustrated, or maybe disappointed?”
“I wonder if you’re feeling worried about what might happen.”
Children don’t have to agree with the word you suggest. The goal is to give them opportunities to explore different ways of describing their experience.
Validate the Feeling Before Trying to Solve the Problem
One of the most helpful things parents can do is acknowledge a child’s emotion before jumping into problem-solving.
Instead of: “It’s not a big deal.” Try: “I can see you’re really frustrated. That was hard.”
Instead of: “There’s nothing to worry about.” Try: “I can see you’re worried. Let’s talk about what’s making you nervous.”
Validation doesn’t mean that we agree with everything a child says or does. It simply communicates that you see the feeling and are getting curious and attempting to understand it.
This can help children become more comfortable talking about difficult emotions rather than learning that certain feelings should be hidden or avoided.
Help Children Notice Emotions in Their Bodies
Emotions aren’t just thoughts. They can also create physical sensations. Anger might show up as clenched fists, a hot face, tense muscles, or a racing heart. Anxiety might show up as a tight stomach, shaky hands, a racing heart, or wanting to avoid something.
You can also model this yourself “I’m feeling frustrated, and I notice my shoulders are tense. I’m going to take a minute.”. When parents model emotional awareness, children learn that noticing emotions is something everyone can practise, not something that only happens when a child is having a difficult time.
Remember That Emotions Are Not Good or Bad
It can be tempting to describe emotions as positive or negative. Instead, try thinking of emotions as information. Anger might tell us that something feels unfair or that a boundary has been crossed. Anxiety might tell us that something feels uncertain, unfamiliar, or important. The goal isn’t to teach children that they should never feel angry or anxious. The goal is to help them learn that they can have the feeling without it being in change of everything.
How Can Counselling Help?
Counselling can provide additional support, tools, and opportunities for children to develop emotional awareness in a way that is suited to their age and individual needs.
As I discussed in my previous blog, helping children manage big emotions isn’t just about finding the right strategy. Before children can use strategies effectively, they need to understand what is happening for them emotionally.
This is where emotional awareness becomes an important foundation.
Counselling can provide a space for children to explore their emotions, understand what they may be experiencing, and begin to recognize how emotions show up for them. Through play, art, games, activities, and conversation, children can develop a better understanding of their emotional experiences in ways that feel comfortable and meaningful to them.
Parents can also be part of this process. Counselling can provide an opportunity for parents, children, and counsellors to work together as a team building awareness, developing skills, and finding ways to support emotional development both in counselling and at home.
by Matt Hislop | Aug 25, 2026 | Anxiety, Communication, Connection, Counselling, Curiosity, Emotional, Encouragement, Family, Forgive, Forgiveness, Guidance, Health, In The Community, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Motivation, Reflection, Relationship, Relationships, Resources, Safety, Self Confidence, Stress, Therapy
Relationships matter. They give us a sense of purpose, belonging, and meaning in our lives. When our relationships are going well, they can positively influence our physiological, emotional, and social well-being. We may feel more secure, supported, seen, and heard.
When relationships become strained, however, we can experience hopelessness, feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or disconnected from one another. Couples therapy can provide an opportunity to slow things down, understand what is happening beneath the conflict, and develop new ways of connecting.
Two approaches that have significantly influenced couples therapy are Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Sue Johnson and colleagues, and the Gottman Method, developed by John and Julie Gottman. While they have different frameworks and terminology, both approaches emphasize connection, emotional responsiveness, and understanding the patterns that develop between partners.
Physiologically: Understanding Emotional Flooding
Relationship challenges can affect us physically as well as emotionally. Stress within a relationship may contribute to irritability, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, rumination, low mood, and feeling overwhelmed. When our nervous system becomes activated, it can become much harder to listen, communicate clearly, and remain connected to our partner.
The Gottmans describe one form of this intense physiological activation as emotional flooding. When someone becomes flooded, their body can enter a heightened state of arousal. Heart rate may increase, breathing can become more rapid, and it can become difficult to think clearly or remain receptive to what a partner is saying.
The Gottmans have highlighted heart rate and other physiological signs as useful indicators that someone may need a break from a difficult conversation. A heart rate around 90 beats per minute has been discussed in Gottman research as one indicator of flooding, but it is important not to treat 90 bpm as a universal clinical cutoff. People differ in their baseline heart rates and in how they experience physiological stress.
The more important skill is learning to notice when you are becoming flooded.
When this happens, it can be helpful to pause the conversation, take some time to breathe and self-soothe, and allow the nervous system to settle. Taking a break does not mean abandoning the conversation. In fact, it can be an important part of maintaining the relationship.
A helpful message might be:
“I am feeling overwhelmed right now. I care about this conversation, and I want to come back to it when I can be more present.”
This communicates both a need for space and a commitment to reconnect.
The goal is not to avoid difficult conversations. The goal is to create enough safety and regulation that both partners can remain engaged.
Emotionally: Looking Beneath the Conflict
In couples therapy, it is valuable to pay attention not only to what partners are saying but also to the emotions underneath their words and behaviours.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) places particular emphasis on helping couples identify and explore their emotional experiences and the deeper attachment needs or yearnings beneath them.
For example, a partner may say:
“You never listen to me.”
On the surface, this sounds like criticism. Beneath the criticism, however, there may be a deeper experience:
“I feel like I don’t matter to you, and I am scared that I am losing you.”
This is an important shift. Instead of focusing only on the criticism, couples can begin to explore the more vulnerable emotions and needs underneath it.
EFT often helps partners recognize emotions such as fear, sadness, shame, loneliness, and hurt. Anger can also be an important emotion in relationships. In many EFT formulations, anger can function as a secondary or protective emotion that develops in response to more vulnerable feelings such as fear, hurt, shame, or sadness. At the same time, anger can also arise directly from experiences of injustice, violation, or trauma, so it is important not to assume that every experience of anger has the same underlying emotion.
Learning to become curious about our emotions can help us understand what we are actually needing from our partner.
Instead of asking:
“Who is right?”
Couples can begin asking:
“What is happening between us?”
and
“What is each of us needing in this moment?”
This shift can create opportunities for greater empathy and emotional connection.
Socially: Looking at the Bigger Picture
Relationships do not exist in isolation. What happens in the outside world can have a significant impact on how partners relate to one another.
Work stress, parenting responsibilities, hobbies, community or service commitments, family dynamics, financial pressures, health challenges, friendships, and other life circumstances can all affect a couple’s ability to connect.
Sometimes what looks like a relationship problem is being intensified by the amount of stress each person is carrying.
Couples counselling can provide space to explore questions such as:
- What pressures are each of us experiencing outside the relationship?
- How are those pressures affecting our ability to connect?
- What support do we have from friends and family?
- Are we making enough time for our relationship?
- What activities help us experience joy and connection together?
Social support can be an important resource for couples. Healthy friendships and family relationships can provide encouragement, perspective, and opportunities for individual renewal.
It is also important for couples to make room for fun.
Relationships can easily become focused on responsibilities, conflict, finances, parenting, work, and everything that needs to get done. Spending time together doing something enjoyable can help couples remember that their relationship is more than the problems they are trying to solve.
Sometimes reconnecting starts with remembering what brought you together in the first place.
When Couples Get Caught in a Cycle
One of the central ideas in EFT is that couples can become caught in repetitive interactional cycles.
A disagreement may begin with one partner feeling disconnected and reaching out through criticism or protest. The other partner may experience this as criticism and respond by withdrawing or becoming defensive. The first partner then feels even more alone and reaches out more intensely. The second partner withdraws further.
Over time, this pattern can become familiar.
The important insight in EFT is that the cycle is the problem—not either partner.
Rather than asking, “Who started this?” couples can begin to recognize:
“This is the pattern we get caught in.”
Once couples can identify the cycle, they have an opportunity to slow it down and create a different response.
They can begin to notice:
- What happens just before the cycle starts?
- What emotions are underneath our reactions?
- What am I afraid might happen?
- What am I longing for from my partner?
- How does my response affect my partner?
- How might we respond differently next time?
Understanding the cycle can create space for new choices.
The Sound Relationship House
The Gottmans developed the Sound Relationship House, a framework for understanding and strengthening relationships.
The model takes a strengths-based approach. Rather than focusing exclusively on what is going wrong, it also asks couples to identify and build upon the things that are working.
Two particularly important pillars of the Sound Relationship House are Trust and Commitment.
Trust involves feeling that your partner is there for you, that they have your interests in mind, and that you can depend on them. Commitment involves choosing the relationship and maintaining a sense of “us,” including during difficult periods.
The Sound Relationship House also includes other relationship skills and processes that can help couples strengthen their friendship, manage conflict, support one another’s dreams, and create shared meaning.
This framework can give couples practical areas to focus on as they work toward a stronger relationship.
From Conflict to Connection
Both EFT and Gottman-informed couples therapy offer valuable ways of understanding relationship difficulties.
The Gottman approach provides couples with practical tools for strengthening friendship, managing conflict, reducing destructive patterns, and building trust and commitment.
EFT focuses strongly on emotional connection and attachment—helping partners understand the deeper emotions, fears, and longings that often drive their interactions.
Although the language and frameworks differ, both approaches encourage couples to move beyond simply trying to “win” an argument.
The deeper question becomes:
How can we understand each other and create a relationship where both partners feel safe, valued, and connected?
Recommended Reading
As a starting point, couples may find it helpful to read or listen to a relationship book together. There are many resources available, but these two are well-known, research-informed approaches to couples work and offer practical exercises as well.
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work— John Gottman
This book introduces the Gottmans’ research and provides practical strategies for strengthening friendship, managing conflict, and improving connection.
- Hold Me Tight— Sue Johnson
This book introduces the EFT approach and helps couples understand their emotional patterns, attachment needs, and the cycles that can create disconnection.
Both books also have workbook-style resources that couples may find useful for putting the ideas into practice.
A Final Thought
Working on a relationship can be beneficial for our overall well-being. When we invest in our relationships, we are also investing in an important part of our emotional and social health.
Couples therapy is not about creating a perfect relationship. Every couple experiences conflict, misunderstanding, and periods of disconnection. The goal is to develop greater awareness of the patterns that emerge between partners and learn how to repair, reconnect, and respond differently.
Sometimes the most meaningful change begins with something simple: slowing down enough to become curious about what is happening inside ourselves and our partner.
What if the conflict isn’t the enemy? What if it is an invitation to understand one another more deeply?
An Important Note About Safety
While couples counselling can be helpful for many relationship challenges, it is not appropriate for every situation. In relationships involving ongoing intimate-partner violence, coercive control, or other forms of abuse, joint couples counselling may not be a safe or suitable approach.
In these circumstances, individual support and specialized services may be more appropriate. Safety should always be the priority.
by Leah Jivan | Jul 28, 2026 | Anxiety, Communication, Curiosity, Depression, Emotional, Guidance, Health, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Reflection, Relationships, Self Care, Stress, Therapy
Have you noticed why on some days you can handle stressors with ease while on other days, similar situations leave you feeling overwhelmed? Well, if you have, you are most definitely not alone.
In this post, we’ll explore how your nervous system works and introduce the Window of Tolerance. We will also take a look at what happens when stressors push you beyond this window into a state of hyperarousal or hypoarousal.
So what is the Window of Tolerance and how does it work?
The window of tolerance refers to the optimal state in which our nervous system is able to effectively respond to stressors, challenges or uncertainties (Neff, 2023). When we are in this window, we are more likely to feel engaged, curious, grounded and calm (Neff, 2023). Our nervous system helps us adjust to our surroundings through two processes: the sympathetic nervous system which increases activation and energy, otherwise known as the “fight or flight” response and the parasympathetic nervous system which reinforces rest, otherwise known as the “rest and digest” response.
It is important to note that the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems work conjointly to respond to everyday stressors and challenges.
Dr. Megan Anna Neff shares an important metaphor of a gas and brake pedal of a car, acting as the sympathetic and parasympathetic process working together (Neff, 2023). Moreover, she notes that such fluctuations between both processes are necessary as she speaks about an activation of the sympathetic nervous system when faced with a stressor or engagement of the parasympathetic nervous system when we are going to sleep (Neff, 2023).
Now you may be asking yourself, what happens when we leave our window of tolerance?
The body goes into one of two states. In the hyperarousal state, the sympathetic nervous system predominates, and our body becomes mobilized for action (Neff, 2023). Some common signs our body is entering a hyperarousal state include panic, fear, a racing heart, heightened awareness or aggression (Neff, 2023).
In a hyperarousal state, the body needs regulation which can look like:
- Mindfulness and breathing exercises which can help regulate our nervous system and ease or reduce heightened levels of alertness by signaling a sense of safety to our body (Marks, 2022)
The other way our nervous system may respond to stress is by entering a state of hypoarousal. In this state, the body goes through decreased nervous system activity and can lead to shut down or withdrawal due to overwhelm (Neff, 2023). In this state, we may be feeling numb, disconnected, fatigued and dissociated (Neff, 2023).
In a hypoarousal state, we want to stimulate gentle activation which can be done through:
- Grounding exercises that engage the five senses (sight, hear, smell, taste and touch) (Marks, 2022)
- Temperature exposure, specifically cold temperatures by splashing ice cold water on the face which activates the sympathetic nervous system
- Physical movement can increase heart rate and therefore, increase energy levels
Tying this all back to the beginning of the post, why does it feel like we can overcome stressors with more ease and confidence on some days and not others?
Well, there’s a range of factors that can impact how narrow or wide our window of tolerance is. This can include:
- Previous traumatic events
This can even come down to everyday differences. In Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Marsha Linehan speaks on vulnerability factors which she described as the factors and history that made one vulnerable leading up an event (Linehan, 2015). I’ve listed a few factors below, but I encourage you to think about factors that are potentially impacting how you show up everyday which can be affecting the width of your window of tolerance. Here are a few to get us start thinking about vulnerability factors:
- Ongoing stress in multiple realms of our life (e.g., school, work, interpersonal relationships, career, financial situation, health, etc.)
- Life transitions (e.g., new career, relocating, taking on new roles such as parenting)
If you can take one piece away from this post, I want to remind you that it is natural for one’s nervous system to shift and change throughout the day. I encourage you to practice recognizing patterns or signs when you feel your body has moved beyond our window of tolerance into either hyperarousal or hypoarousal.
Neff (2023) suggests a practice called nervous system mapping in which we can set some time, once or twice a day to scan our body and note how we are feeling. Moreover, she notes that just paying attention to a racing heart rate or tension in our body can point towards hyperarousal or fatigue can point towards hypoarousal (Neff, 2023). Paying attention to what our body is telling us is crucial and necessary in order to engage in the skills to regulate us back to our optimal zone and effectively manage daily stressors.
Understanding your nervous system is an important step toward understanding yourself and how your body responds to stress. We are here to help you along the way. Contact Us if you’d like to speak with one of our counsellors.
References:
1 Marks, T. [Dr. Tracey Marks] (2022, May 4). Window of tolerance: what is it and how to stay in it [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VD8hhboXYTI
2 Neff, M. A. (2023, January 8). The window of tolerance: how to build emotional resilience and regulation. Neurodivergent insights. https://neurodivergentinsights.com/window-of-tolerance/?srsltid=AfmBOopUSbQ677ejHjiAB7rqVG636K66QGOyoV67ozOyqlsxWa8duLYa
3 Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
by Jonathan Hers | Jun 6, 2025 | Children, Connection, Curiosity, Emotional, Parenting, Tips
Frequently screaming? Reacting big when faced with disappointments? Too afraid to step out in a social context? Says they are going to do something and then fails to do so? Struggles to play with those around them?
How do we understand impulsiveness as parents? What is happening and how do we help?
Understanding Impulsiveness in Children
Here are some insights that will:
- Help calm your anxiety as parents surrounding impulsiveness, and
- Clarify our role as parents when impulsivness arises in your child.
The fruits of nurturing childrens’ emotional development are significant: a child who is self-controlled, patient when frustrated, sensitive to moral issues, considerate, and able to move beyond black-and-white thinking.
Key Insight #1: Maturity Means Holding Mixed Emotions.
Maturity is the ability to sustain mixed emotions.
In contrast, impulsiveness is being motivated by a single emotion.
Example:
- Impulsive: “I’m angry, so I hit my sibling.”
- Mature: “I’m angry and I want to hit my sibling. AND, I care about them.”
BOTH exist and have potential to guide us in different directions. The goal is therefore to sustain both.
The ability to feel both emotions at the same time is the foundation of emotion regulation. This takes practice. And help from parents.
When does emotional maturity begin?
First things first, it is important to know that children do not have the ability to sustain conflicting thoughts or emotions before the age of 5.
Between the ages of 5-7, they gradually gain the capacity to register and sustain more than one feeling at a time. This is important to know. Before age 5, you, the parent are the primary emotional co-regulator.
What Is Co-Regulation and Why Is It Important?
Before the age of 5, children need you to:
- First mirror their dominant emotion: “yes, you’re angry.”
- Then offer a balancing presence: “we also care about our friend and don’t want to hurt them.”
Our job is to help them begin to feel both emotions, and learn what to do with them. Our peace meets our child’s anger. We reflect what we are seeing but do not expect them to have the skills yet to sustain mixed emotions. Your children aren’t being defiant or oppositional, they are being moved by one emotion in the moment. This is the essence of impulsiveness.
As our children develop they will slowly and naturally begin to sustain mixed emotions. It’s okay for them to have conflicting emotions; this is normal. Yes, there is a part that is mad. Yes, there is another part that is afraid of what your anger could do. Yes, there is a part that cares. All of these exist and are important to become mindful of.
Key Insight #2: Impulsiveness is Tempered by Conflicting Feelings
Dr. Gordon Neufeld says:
“The ultimate answer to aggression is for the attacking impulses to be tempered by conflicting feelings, impulses, and values.”
This is a tough insight to wrap our minds around: impulsiveness, and even aggression, aren’t the problem themselves. They are parts (be it messy…) of the process of integration and ultimately maturity (a child who is able to be self-controlled and considerate).
The Power of “Yes, AND” Parenting
Here’s a helpful way to think about it: it’s like the classic improv game called “Yes, AND,” where people do not reject an idea that is given but instead have to build on the idea by adding something more that makes the moment even better. In the same way, parents can say “yes, you want to hit. AND, you care about your classmate/brother.” This is the path to self-control: ADDING in another emotion that conflicts/ holds in tension the anger.
Humans naturally do this: as they are describing a problem or situation, they will spontaneously say, “on one hand” I feel/ want to do this, and “on the other hand” I want to do this/ or feel this.
How Mixed Emotions Lead to Emotional Strength
- Patience = Impulse to Grab + Impulse to Wait
- Courage = Impulse to Run/Hide (Fear) + Impulse to Get Something (Desire)
- Civility = Alarm + Care
Naming these mixed feelings helps develop inner capacity for self-control and social awareness.
Practical Tips for Supporting Your Child
- First, don’t say “don’t be angry.” Reflect it instead, “I see you’re angry…” “What else do you notice?” “What else do you feel?”
- Second, when emotions are really intense, this is not the time to practice. Practicing the sustaining of mixed emotions is a muscle that is grown in the right context: safe, stable parental relationship with mild to medium intensity of emotions.
When emotions are really intense the name of the game is to gather your child’s attention, get them close, get them to breathe, and then attempt to activate their cognitive abilities (get them to respond to this question: what are you doing?). This is not the moment to dive into their emotional life. Regulate through sensory engagement and move away from what is stirring them up.
Summary: How to Support Your Child’s Emotional Maturity
In a nutshell, here’s what we need to know:
- Maturity develops as our children gain the ability to sustain mixed emotions.
- We can reduce impulsiveness when we discover what else exists within our child (anger and…).
Our role as parents is to nurture a space for this spontaneous development.
How? Through trying our best to be patient with this process, getting curious about the inner world of our children, and helping our children identify and name their mixed emotions. This will help.
We’re Here to Help
Are these insights helpful for you? Do they shift how you understand your child’s behaviour?
Reach out — we’d love to hear your thoughts or help further.
by Jonathan Hers | Dec 9, 2024 | Connection, Counselling, Emotional, Emotionally Focused Therapy, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Reflection, Therapy, Tips
Can I just push this emotion down and avoid what is there? Will this tension just go away?
This is a good question that often I ask or hear others ask.
Researcher and developmentalist Gordon Neufeld answers this question with some umfh…
No.
He answers this through differentiating emotion and feelings, which I’ll explain below.
The Importance of Feeling and Expressing Emotions
We are exquisitely complex creatures, and one central aspect of our being is our ability to feel emotions and then let them “move us out” (the actual definition of emotion) into the world. Cultural narratives abound: “it’s just your feelings… get over it.” A familiar message to you? The norm tends to be dismissing these biological functions as irrational whims. It is true emotions can be extreme and regulating them is an important skill, but listening to them is essential. Even more, expressing them is essential.
Freud famously said, “we get sick when we fail to give expression to the emotions within us.”
More and more, research in the medical and psychological fields draws connections between the mind and body, agreeing with both Neufeld and Freud.
Emotions vs. Feelings: Understanding the Difference
Neufeld uses a funny yet powerful image to drive this home: “It is as essential for emotions to be expressed as it is for bowels to be emptied.” Think about that for a moment.
Now here comes the differences between emotions and feelings: emotions just happen, you cannot change that fact. However, our ability to feel and express these emotions (how he defines feelings) is our response to these inevitable emotions that come and go. For example, while you are at your work emotions might come up, and you could choose not to feel them if they seem to disruptive at the time. However, if these emotions stay underground for too long or never find expression, we face problems. Namely, anger issues, low-level persistent anxiety, and emotional distance from the people we care about.
Emotions Require Movement to Function Properly
How do you ride a bike? Not through staying still, but through movement and motion. In the same way, emotions require this motion to function properly. This requires that, after a stressful day, we have a safe home base to return to, in order to move through the emotions that exist within us. Can you think of someone or place that is this home base for you? A place to express what is going on inside.
A big problem we face is that expressing our emotions requires a safe environment, and this can often feel like a luxury many of us don’t have time or space for. Our fast paced culture, our competitive society, and our fractured social bonds all contribute to this challenge of expressing and understanding our emotions.
Perhaps it’s time to slow down, take a breath, and take a pulse of how we are doing, what is going on beneath the surface, and risk expressing what we find there. You’ll notice the difference. You’ll feel more attuned to yourself and the world around you, and your vision will be filled with colour as you tap into these wonderful adaptive biological parts of ourselves.
You’ll start living from this centered place: calm, clear, curious, courageous, creative, and connected.
Sounds good to me.
Get the Support You Deserve
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your emotions or struggling to express them, you’re not alone. Seeking support from a professional can help you better understand and navigate your emotional landscape. Our team at Alongside You is here to provide a safe, compassionate space where you can explore your feelings, build emotional resilience, and gain the tools you need to thrive.
Contact Us to learn more.
by Rachelle Kostelyk Pals | Feb 20, 2020 | burnout, Emotional, Mental Health, Stress
Mental and emotional burnout is something different from keeping a busy schedule and feeling tired at the end of a week. It occurs when a person has experienced pervasive and prolonged stress. Burnout can be described as occurring in a predictable manner in which it begins with excessive ambition and commitment, leads to changes in values wherein personal care is neglected and emotions are displaced, and typically ends in feelings of sadness, emptiness and/or defeat.
While many people live a full life and are invigorated by pace and productivity, burnout is often demonstrated by a persons’ inability to reenergize and struggle to stay focused. Although true burnout will affect each individual in unique ways, there are standard warning signs that your nervous system may be overloaded, and that you’ve neglected parts of yourself in the process. This list is not exhaustive, but it captures some common signs of burnout:
- You’re easily irritated and find it difficult to be patient with others.
When other people’s requests of you begin to feel like an assault on your capacity to provide what they need, it is an indication that you’re feeling depleted. Normally, a request is something we can consider, and decide in a relatively neutral way what we’d like to give.
What can you do about it?
Begin to check in with yourself more often to see what you need. When you feel that your own needs are taken care of, you’re much more likely to be able to meet the needs of others. When you have taken care of your own needs (for rest, solitude, exercise, nutrition, enjoyment, etc.) you will be better set up to meet those needs for others.
- You’ve lost the motivation to engage in activities you normally enjoy and may be more likely to procrastinate.
Procrastination tends to occur when we feel overwhelmed; our “system” (mind, body, spirit) is taxed and so we lose motivation. When we lose motivation, we’re less inclined to engage in activities we normally enjoy or the responsibilities we’ve committed to. When we’re not enjoying our activities, we’re likely to procrastinate in making them happen.
What can you do about it?
This may boil down to scaling back activities and responsibilities. It may also be a matter of tackling responsibilities in “bite-sized” pieces. Some people find it helpful to break down one big task into several smaller pieces, identifying deadlines and rewarding for a job well done.
- You feel detached from your own feelings, and your day-to-day life can feel robotic.
When a person experiences burnout, they have learned to function at such a high capacity that they have had to shed a certain degree of their “humanness” to do so. When a person begins to think (consciously or subconsciously) that emotions get the in the way, or that slowing down to be present in their experience is cumbersome, they will adjust to a way of being that sees those elements of the human experience eliminated.
What can you do about it?
It requires, yet again, a turning in toward yourself – toward your feelings, your present experience, your needs. Do regular “check-ins” to note the physical responses, the thoughts, and the emotions you’re experiencing. If you operate in a robotic manner, return to the things that make you feel human. Mindfulness practices can be really helpful. For example, hold a cup of tea and feel the warmth on your hand, note the scent it releases, and observe the design of the mug itself. Taking moments to look for what brings you pleasure can eventually lead to a slower, more human experience.
- You become emotional at unexpected times, and you are quick to cry.
If it is true that we are more inclined to detach from feelings if we are experiencing burn out, then it stands that our emotions will bubble up unexpectedly, as we know that they have to find their release somewhere J. If you find that you can go weeks at a time without identifying any significant emotion, but then suddenly cry at a car commercial, you may be experiencing burn out.
What can you do about it?
There are many ways to facilitate an open acknowledgement and acceptance of the emotion. Some people need to process it verbally with a good friend who listens well, or with a therapist. Some people find that journaling can be helpful as it forces a person to reflect on their experience. No matter how you begin, it requires a method for tuning in to your feelings, and this requires slowing down enough to make this possible.
- You experience an increase in worry and anxiety.
The capacity to process your environment is compromised, and your stress responses are weakened when you are burnt out. When your body and brain have operated as if you’ve been under threat for a prolonged period of time, the resources for dealing with everyday stress are inhibited, and you are likely to experience an increase in anxiety.
What can you do about it?
First, try to eliminate obvious stressors. An honest look at your schedule may illuminate the ways you’re overextending yourself, and where you can cut back. Second, don’t try to push away the feeling of anxiety. It can be very tempting to attempt to detach from anxiety, much like detaching from other emotions or feelings when experiencing burnout, but this can be counterproductive. Sometimes it can be helpful to follow the “thread” of the anxiety, to become curious about what it’s about, and to see if there’s something beneath the explicit fear. Particularly with burnout, it can be helpful to stay with the feelings of anxiety, as it can point us toward what we need.
To provide a personal example, when I was experiencing a strong sense of overwhelming several years ago, I began to worry – more than usual – about my children. I found more reasons to be concerned about their safety and wellbeing. It was during this time that I was also taking quite a bit of school work. When I became curious about my anxiety, and how it generally pertained to my children, I realized that I was really missing spending as much time with them as I had in previous years. I felt more distracted and less connected to them, and that was unsettling for me. My anxious feelings pointed me toward what I was really in need of at the time – to drop a course and to fit in more time with my young kids.
If you recognize yourself in any of the items listed above, it may be helpful to take some time alone. In the quiet of solitude, we are more likely to reflect on who we are, and what we need. In addition, it’s likely you could benefit from the support and guidance of a counsellor. If you think working with someone to process some of this could be helpful, give us a call, we’re here to help.
