by Juliana Fruhling | Apr 28, 2017 | Articles, Counselling
Something that I hear consistently from parents of teenagers is a concern that their teens are engaging in certain behaviours “for attention.” Sometimes they reference the way their teens are dressing or acting, the company they are keeping, the level of emotion on display, or even behaviours they have had the misfortune of witnessing, such as cutting, destructive eating habits or threats of suicide.
The level of fear and frustration is understandable when you witness your teen engaging in behaviours such as these, specifically those that are destructive. However, I have noticed that the way in which many parents choose to address behaviours they perceive to be “attention-seeking,” is to not “give in to them,” which is to ignore them. The belief is that by giving in to it, they are “rewarding,” the behaviour. Further, if they dry up the well of attention the logic is that the teen will discontinue the behaviour. The reality is that most of the time, this is not a very effective strategy. Often what happens is that the behaviour goes into high gear, or the teen turns to others – peers, online connections, social media – to meet the need for attention. So, what can parents do to parent an “attention seeking,” teen? The answer is relatively simple:
GIVE YOUR TEENAGER ATTENTION
Since as a culture we seem to abhor the idea of attention-seeking, we often don’t realize how healthy a cry for attention really is and how it is actually a basic human need. We can liken the need for attention as humans to our need for air, water, and food. It is an emotional need that is as valid as any and all of our physical needs. When people can’t satiate their need for attention, and if they don’t have the ability or maturity to recognize this need and seek it in healthy ways, they will instead turn to unhealthy means of attention-seeking to meet the need. The alternative to meeting the need is just shutting down emotionally and “not caring,” anymore. Often this is when suicide is a higher risk and other destructive means of coping become more out of control because there is nothing left emotionally to pull oneself back from these options.
Our teens will seek attention naturally, and we need to give it to them. The parent-child relationship is one that will form the foundation for every relationship they have for the rest of their lives. There is no investment of time that is more important than this. This is what much of the literature out there refers to as attachment and its importance cannot be overstated.
When parents first tell me that their teen is attention-seeking in unhealthy ways, one of my first thoughts is of gratitude that the teen hasn’t given up on life, on attempting to meet their needs at least in some way. My second thought is, how can I help this parent reframe the need for attention as a healthy, life-seeking need, and then how do I help them learn how to meet this need in healthy and successful ways. Because the primary issue is not that they are seeking attention, but that they are doing so in unhealthy, potentially dangerous ways. So how do we give them attention in healthy ways as parents? Here are some ideas:
- Find out what they are interested in, and engage them in that. If they are into music, listen with them, ask them about it. Video games? Play with them. The outdoors? Take them out for a hike. Lavish them with the love and attention you have for them in a language they will understand and respond to the most.
- Listen to them, and when they speak, hear them. Don’t write off their big feelings and emotions – the teenage years are a hard time of confusing feelings and big developmental changes – make space and time for these feelings, and be understanding.
- Don’t wait for them to come to you – go to THEM. Many parents will say things to their teens like, “If you ever have any questions about anything, feel free to ask!” This has a lovely intention, but here’s the thing: 9 times out of 10, they won’t take the initiative. Go to them and ask questions, make contact, show them you are interested in their thoughts, ideas, future plans, hopes, dreams. Ask them how they’re coping, and if they need some support. Be present.
- DON’T give up.
And finally, if there is anything that we can do to support you at Alongside You, don’t hesitate to reach out or call 604-283-7827 ext. 707.
by Andrew Neufeld | Dec 15, 2016 | Articles, Counselling
Joy To The World?
I have long had a love, hate relationship with this time of year. You may remember this from my post last year right around this time about how to manage holiday stress. I love that this time of year often brings families together, sometimes travelling long distances to do so. I love that it brings local communities together to celebrate the holidays. What I truly love most is that I make a point of taking time off at this time of year to be with my family, particularly my wife and kids. What is even better is that they also have time off at this point in the year and we can be together. I often work fairly long hours, and between my schedule and my wife’s schedule, and the kids’ activities, it’s a challenge to get time each day to be a family. This is what I look forward to this time of year, with great anticipation. This is what brings me great joy at this time of year – being with my family.
What I haven’t put into words before, however, is my difficulty with taking time off over the holidays. With the type of work that I do, I know full well how many individuals, couples and families struggle this time of year. I also know that tragedy does not wait for holidays to pass because it’s not “a good time.” The past month seems to have had more than its’ fair share of tragedy. I’ve seen this personally, professionally, and in the news in our community. Friends have lost loved ones, family members are dealing with illnesses, clients are struggling. Although the common belief that suicide rates are higher over Christmas is not true, what is true is that for all of the joy of Christmas, there is a lot of pain and suffering to go along with it.
What do we do about the juxtaposition of joy and pain over the holidays? I believe that a lot of it comes down to perspective and what we choose to focus on. Even more, what it comes down to is acceptance. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy has a concept called radical acceptance, which is a very simple, yet very difficult concept to put into practice. What it means is that we have to be willing to accept that thing happen in life that we do not like. It does not mean that we have to agree with these things, like these things, or are even okay with these things being the way they are. What it does mean is that we have to accept that these things are indeed present in our lives, and it is what it is. What other choice to we have? If we fight against it, we will most likely become anxious, depressed, and stressed out.
I’ve been reflecting on what I need to accept this year in order to be able to leave the office for a week of holidays, enjoy Christmas with my family, and most importantly, be present when I am with them. Here are my three things and I hope they may be helpful in some way to you as well.
- Accept that in order to take care of others, I need to take care of myself.
This time of year is difficult for many, and I often feel pulled to remain at the office this time of year. The reality is that with my clinical practice and the growth of Alongside You, there really is no good time to take a break. There will always be things to do, clients to see, and I will always be conflicted about taking time off. The truth of the matter is, we all need a break and I definitely need one at this point in the year. I often use the analogy of the oxygen mask in an airplane with my clients – they tell you to put your mask on first because if you don’t and you pass out, you won’t be able to help others. I need to take some of my own medicine on this one.
- Accept that this time of year will always be a mixture of joy and sorrow, and possibly some stress.
I know that I will experience much joy over the next few weeks as I spend time with my family. I know that as I leave the office tonight and go to my kids’ school Christmas concert I will be filled with pride, overwhelmed by my love for my children, and enjoy every minute of it; in fact, I’m tearing up just as I write this. I know that my kids will look out into the crowd to find me, because it means so much to them that I am there, and am present.
I also know that no matter how carefully we plan, how much we try not to do too much, there will always, always be things that mess up the calm. Part of the amazing thing about Christmas is how many awesome things are going on. I also know that I get overwhelmed by all of these awesome things if I am not careful. I know that I need to take time for myself, keep myself balanced, and yes, practice some of the mindfulness skills that I teach my clients and hound them about.
Finally, I am all too aware that many of my clients, my friends, and my family will be struggling through this season. The pain of the loss of loved ones, lost jobs, ill health, and so many other things does not take a break because of Christmas. I know that they will need comfort, support, and love and while I will do my best to be these things for as many as I can, I have to trust that others in their lives will do the same.
- Accept that I must focus on the joy to endure the sorrow.
Our brains are well trained to focus on the negative, and my brain is no different. It takes very little effort to notice, and remember the negative. It takes much more effort to do the same for the positive. This is not about denial, it is about intentionality. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy describes this as a validation of our situation – that is, being able to find the silver lining in any situation while not denying that the cloud we are surrounded by is indeed black. I am fortunate – this year, I feel very positive about life and the upcoming holidays. This has not always been the case, and I can identify with many who might be wondering how to find the silver lining in a black cloud.
I am challenging myself, and I welcome you to join me in this, to be intentional about looking for the joy this Christmas. We don’t have to deny the pain or sorrow, but we can choose to focus on the positive. The truth is that no matter how black we may feel the cloud is, there is always something positive to be found – the elusive silver lining. If we can’t find joy this season, we may not be looking hard enough.
From all of us at Alongside You, we wish you a wonderful Christmas and rest of the holiday season. We are grateful to be a part of your lives and are privileged to work with you through the joys, and the sorrows. May your lives be filled with joy as we finish 2016 and we look forward to 2017.
by Andrew Neufeld | Oct 14, 2016 | Counselling, Workshops
Strong Parents, Healthy Kids
Thursday November 17th, 6:30-8:30pm
Location: Alongside You – #203-4840 Delta Street, Ladner
Presenters: Andrew Neufeld, Registered Clinical Counsellor and Kathryn Barczi, Registered Social Worker and Gottman Certified Bringing Baby Home Educator
Cost: $49 per single/couple (plus GST)
Click here to register now!
Availability: We require a minimum of 3 individuals/couples and a max of 6 to run the workshop. We will refund all fees if a cancellation occurs and will give as much notice as possible to clients.
One of the most common things we hear in couples with kids is how there’s no time to work on their own relationship. We’re all too busy with the kids. We have it all backwards. In this workshop we will introduce you to the causal relationship between the strength and satisfaction of your relationship, and the health and well-being of your child. If you want your kid to be healthy, it’s time to invest in yourselves. We’ll look at:
- What can happen to parents and children if the transition to parenthood is difficult
- How to recognize if your relationship is in trouble
- Recognizing the power of a satisfied relationship
- 3 ways to create a Culture of Appreciation
- The 5-step strategy for relationship success
Have questions? Please email Kathryn at kathryn@alongsideyou.ca and she’ll be happy to answer any questions you might have!
by Scott McNeil | Oct 6, 2016 | Articles, Counselling
Your heart’s pounding, you can’t breathe, it’s hard to think and you feel an uncontrollable urge to escape or run away. Other symptoms could include; your stomach in knots, tension throughout your whole body and feelings that are overwhelming. Are you finding it difficult to cope with everyday situations or uncertainties of the future? Is it hard for you to control your body’s reactions when faced with these situations? These emotions are often identified as fear, anxiety, or stress.
Every person on the planet can relate to feeling anxious or stressed at some point in their lives. However, there are people who experience anxiety every day. Does this sound like you? If it does, don’t stress– there’s nothing wrong with you. Stress is your brain’s normal way of responding to impending danger or threats. Whether it is a general fear of the uncertainty of the future or specific fears such as embarrassing yourself in public, the fear you feel is actually your body’s way of protecting you. All people experience similar types of emotions when they are under threat or danger.
But what can you do about it? Sometimes, it’s hard for people (who’ve never felt such crippling anxiety) to understand what you’re going through. Your friends and loved ones might be telling you to simply relax or avoid the fearful emotions you’re experiencing. While they may have good intentions at heart, their advice doesn’t help and can further aggravate your mood.
What Causes Anxiety?
People get afraid of anxious sensations in their body (like your heart beating faster). They are also often afraid of the future. Think about waiting for those test results or waiting for the employer to get back to you after a job interview. How did you feel? It’s often thoughts about uncertainty and the future that drive our anxiety.
Acknowledging your anxiety and understanding what it is about the situation that causes you to feel anxious may help. Sometimes your brain senses danger even when other people around you don’t seem to feel the same way you do. And that’s okay. Not everyone processes external stimuli the same way. One person may feel like they’re in danger while another person standing next to them may feel perfectly fine. Knowing that everyone’s different can help you cope with your anxiety. The thing is sometimes our brains do things unconsciously. And sometimes this stuff may be based on past experiences that told us something was dangerous. Our brains’ uncanny ability to function unconsciously can be helpful in some circumstances. Take breathing for example: if you had to concentrate on that, you would never get anything else done! It’s the same when it comes to danger. Brains can unconsciously sense danger. Experiences that seemed to be dangerous in the past stick with us and our brains will tend to keep alerting us when faced with similar situations.
If our brain spots danger, it automatically equips our body to deal with the threat. It does this by releasing hormones into our system. These hormones increase our heart rate, our breathing gets faster and more shallow, and we sweat more. This is what anxiety feels like. Once we get away from the threat or danger, the feeling decreases. But we also lose the chance to find out if what our brain recognized as dangerous was truly dangerous. I often hear people say, “But it just happens to me, no particular situation causes it.” This is a common thought. But here is the thing: remember our brains look out for danger and send signals of anxiety subconsciously. However, if there are truly no outside triggers for the anxiety, we should look inside us.
How Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Can Help
Okay, so you’ve learned about the causes of anxiety and made sense of what causes these unwanted feelings. Now what? One form of therapy known as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) has been known to help reduce anxiety.
CBT shows us that humans need to learn through doing. Humans that are anxious about a threat when no threat exists may benefit from learning why everyone else isn’t scared when they are. What CBT has demonstrated is that if humans can stay with the feeling of anxiousness for long enough and the thing that they fear does not occur, then their brains learn something new. What the brain learns is that the thing it thought was dangerous actually wasn’t. We have probably all experienced something like it. Feeling anxious about learning to drive, going to a new job, meeting a first date. We all know the anxious anticipation coupled with the thoughts, “Will I crash, make a fool of myself, get dumped?” And for anyone who has managed to stay in the moment, they probably noticed their anxiety reduced. If they experience the same situation often enough, they might notice their anxiety reduces over time as more time passes. The brain is good at learning through many different ways such as visually, orally, aurally, or physically. But when it comes to conquering fear, the best way is to experience it physically.
“Where does that leave me”? I hear you say. I don’t want to feel this way and you are telling me the only way to conquer this feeling is to face it. Well, the saying, “The only way to conquer your fears is to face it” carries some truth. People who go into situations they fear and stay there for long enough, start to notice that their fears do not materialise. This can be a very empowering and esteem building experience. Of course, it’s also a difficult thing to do. More difficult for some and easier for others. Some people might need help while others might be able to deal with it alone. You’re not alone if you feel like you can’t handle it on your own.
Additional Resources for Anxiety Relief
Here are some places you can get some help on your own if you’d like to try:
- These self-help booklets have some helpful advice for different problems. The booklets also have references for more detailed self-help books.
- Go to your family doctor and ask him/her about Bounceback a CBT program that is free of charge.
- Take a look at a series of books entitled Overcoming. For example: Overcoming Panic Attacks. These evidence-based self-help books are available at Amazon usually for less than $20.
Alternately, if you’d like some help figuring this anxiety thing out – we’re here to help. I specialize in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I’d love to do what I can to help you beat this brain frenzy we call anxiety. We also have other counsellors at Alongside You. As well, we offer alternative methods for coping through yoga and creative arts that are a great help to people. Even if you just want to chat about taking the first step, give us a call. It’s what we’re here for.
by Andrew Neufeld | Sep 19, 2016 | Counselling, Workshops
From Passion To Parent – What the …. Just Happened
Thursday October 13th, 6:30-8:30pm
Location: Alongside You – #203-4840 Delta Street, Ladner
Presenters: Andrew Neufeld, Registered Clinical Counsellor and Kathryn Barczi, Registered Social Worker and Gottman Certified Bringing Baby Home Educator
Cost: $49 per couple (plus GST)
Click here to register now!
Availability: We require a minimum of 3 individuals/couples and a max of 6 to run the workshop. We will refund all fees if a cancellation occurs and will give as much notice as possible to clients.
Most parents get side swiped by the transition to parenthood. It’s not easy. In this workshop you’ll learn about the impact of your relationship quality on parenting.
We’ll introduce you to the changes that are common during the transition to parenthood, and give you tools to use at home that will serve as a foundation for the challenges that parenthood brings. And we’ll have some fun. We’ll look at:
- How to effectively manage change in our relationships
- Moving from ‘Me’ to ‘We’
- Will we ever sleep again?
- Sex? What sex?
- 5 ways to build friendship
Have questions? Please email Kathryn at kathryn@alongsideyou.ca and she’ll be happy to answer any questions you might have!
by Juliana Fruhling | Aug 23, 2016 | Counselling
Part 2
In part 1 of this post, “Non-Directive Play : A Way to Reduce Anxiety in Young Children Part I”, we talked about a tool called Non-Directive Play (or Child-Centred Play) that has the power to reduce anxiety in young children. We encourage parents to use non-directive play with their children as it produces great benefits in the mental health and well-being of their children. In part 2 of Non-Directive Play, we suggest ways parents can learn how to apply the play to their children and explain further how the play solidifies attachment and a feeling of safety in young children.
Non-Directive Play Solidifies Attachment
Non-Directive Play helps solidify the attachment bond between child and parent. Children who lack a solid attachment bond with their parent or caregiver have an increased inability to cope with anxiety. A strong attachment bond gives children a strong ability to deal with anxiety, boosts their self-confidence, and becomes the foundation upon which a child’s relational framework and social skills will be built on. Research conducted by Ray (2008) showed that engagement in Non-Directive Play “demonstrated a statistically significant positive effect” on any stress pre-existing in the parent-child relationship. For all these reasons, parents should put in the time and effort to facilitate a strong attachment bond with their children.
Non-Directive Play Enhances Safety
Non-Directive Play has been shown to enhance a child’s general sense of safety. This happens due to the safe environment of exploration and self-discovery that non-directive play promotes. During the play, a parent will refrain from asking any questions to preserve the safe, exploratory nature of the space that has been created, and he or she will not ask the child any questions they feel like must be answered. A safe play space is one within which things do not have to be qualified or categorized, but can simply exist, and be recognized and accepted as they are. All levels of anxiety are removed as there is no need to please one’s parent or caregiver.
This safe environment constructed by Non-Directive Play has been shown to lessen a child’s attention-seeking or acting out behavioural patterns. This method has demonstrated the greatest benefit for solving broad-spectrum behavioural problems, increasing children’s self-esteem, and reducing caregiver–child relationship stress (Lin & Bratton, 2015).
Non-Directive play is a simple process that can lead to incredible results for children. These results can be immediate and the positive impacts will be seen throughout a child’s life. Measured effects of Non-Directive Play include a more positive self-concept of oneself, better anxiety management skills, increased confidence, improved social skills, and a decrease in behavioural problems. All of these effects can make a significant impact in a child’s life and improve the family system as a whole (Wilson & Ryan, 2001).
While the concept is relatively simple, it can be difficult for parents to stop evaluating or reinforcing their child. Positive reinforcement and curiosity towards their children occurs very naturally to most parent, almost like a knee-jerk reaction. As a result, the best way to learn to engage in Non-Directive Play with one’s child is through learning from a therapist who is well-versed in the technique. This can give a parent the confidence to use the technique and the freedom to enjoy that time with their child. Parents who demonstrate an unconditional acceptance lay the groundwork for their child’s own acceptance of him or herself. Any pre-existing anxiety of the children will eventually be replaced with a sense of peace, comfort, and well-being.
References
Lin, Y. & Bratton, S. C. (2015). A meta‐analytic review of child‐centered play therapy approaches. Journal of Counseling & Development, 93(1), 45-58.
Ray, D. C. (2008). Impact of play therapy on parent-child relationship stress at a mental health training setting. British Journal of Guidance & Counselling, 36(2), 165-187.
Wilson, K. & Ryan, V. (2001). Helping parents by working with their children in individual child therapy. Child & Family Social Work, 6(3), 209-217.
