by Matt Hislop | Aug 25, 2026 | Anxiety, Communication, Connection, Counselling, Curiosity, Emotional, Encouragement, Family, Forgive, Forgiveness, Guidance, Health, In The Community, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Motivation, Reflection, Relationship, Relationships, Resources, Safety, Self Confidence, Stress, Therapy |
Relationships matter. They give us a sense of purpose, belonging, and meaning in our lives. When our relationships are going well, they can positively influence our physiological, emotional, and social well-being. We may feel more secure, supported, seen, and heard.
When relationships become strained, however, we can experience hopelessness, feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or disconnected from one another. Couples therapy can provide an opportunity to slow things down, understand what is happening beneath the conflict, and develop new ways of connecting.
Two approaches that have significantly influenced couples therapy are Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Sue Johnson and colleagues, and the Gottman Method, developed by John and Julie Gottman. While they have different frameworks and terminology, both approaches emphasize connection, emotional responsiveness, and understanding the patterns that develop between partners.
Physiologically: Understanding Emotional Flooding
Relationship challenges can affect us physically as well as emotionally. Stress within a relationship may contribute to irritability, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, rumination, low mood, and feeling overwhelmed. When our nervous system becomes activated, it can become much harder to listen, communicate clearly, and remain connected to our partner.
The Gottmans describe one form of this intense physiological activation as emotional flooding. When someone becomes flooded, their body can enter a heightened state of arousal. Heart rate may increase, breathing can become more rapid, and it can become difficult to think clearly or remain receptive to what a partner is saying.
The Gottmans have highlighted heart rate and other physiological signs as useful indicators that someone may need a break from a difficult conversation. A heart rate around 90 beats per minute has been discussed in Gottman research as one indicator of flooding, but it is important not to treat 90 bpm as a universal clinical cutoff. People differ in their baseline heart rates and in how they experience physiological stress.
The more important skill is learning to notice when you are becoming flooded.
When this happens, it can be helpful to pause the conversation, take some time to breathe and self-soothe, and allow the nervous system to settle. Taking a break does not mean abandoning the conversation. In fact, it can be an important part of maintaining the relationship.
A helpful message might be:
“I am feeling overwhelmed right now. I care about this conversation, and I want to come back to it when I can be more present.”
This communicates both a need for space and a commitment to reconnect.
The goal is not to avoid difficult conversations. The goal is to create enough safety and regulation that both partners can remain engaged.
Emotionally: Looking Beneath the Conflict
In couples therapy, it is valuable to pay attention not only to what partners are saying but also to the emotions underneath their words and behaviours.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) places particular emphasis on helping couples identify and explore their emotional experiences and the deeper attachment needs or yearnings beneath them.
For example, a partner may say:
“You never listen to me.”
On the surface, this sounds like criticism. Beneath the criticism, however, there may be a deeper experience:
“I feel like I don’t matter to you, and I am scared that I am losing you.”
This is an important shift. Instead of focusing only on the criticism, couples can begin to explore the more vulnerable emotions and needs underneath it.
EFT often helps partners recognize emotions such as fear, sadness, shame, loneliness, and hurt. Anger can also be an important emotion in relationships. In many EFT formulations, anger can function as a secondary or protective emotion that develops in response to more vulnerable feelings such as fear, hurt, shame, or sadness. At the same time, anger can also arise directly from experiences of injustice, violation, or trauma, so it is important not to assume that every experience of anger has the same underlying emotion.
Learning to become curious about our emotions can help us understand what we are actually needing from our partner.
Instead of asking:
“Who is right?”
Couples can begin asking:
“What is happening between us?”
and
“What is each of us needing in this moment?”
This shift can create opportunities for greater empathy and emotional connection.
Socially: Looking at the Bigger Picture
Relationships do not exist in isolation. What happens in the outside world can have a significant impact on how partners relate to one another.
Work stress, parenting responsibilities, hobbies, community or service commitments, family dynamics, financial pressures, health challenges, friendships, and other life circumstances can all affect a couple’s ability to connect.
Sometimes what looks like a relationship problem is being intensified by the amount of stress each person is carrying.
Couples counselling can provide space to explore questions such as:
- What pressures are each of us experiencing outside the relationship?
- How are those pressures affecting our ability to connect?
- What support do we have from friends and family?
- Are we making enough time for our relationship?
- What activities help us experience joy and connection together?
Social support can be an important resource for couples. Healthy friendships and family relationships can provide encouragement, perspective, and opportunities for individual renewal.
It is also important for couples to make room for fun.
Relationships can easily become focused on responsibilities, conflict, finances, parenting, work, and everything that needs to get done. Spending time together doing something enjoyable can help couples remember that their relationship is more than the problems they are trying to solve.
Sometimes reconnecting starts with remembering what brought you together in the first place.
When Couples Get Caught in a Cycle
One of the central ideas in EFT is that couples can become caught in repetitive interactional cycles.
A disagreement may begin with one partner feeling disconnected and reaching out through criticism or protest. The other partner may experience this as criticism and respond by withdrawing or becoming defensive. The first partner then feels even more alone and reaches out more intensely. The second partner withdraws further.
Over time, this pattern can become familiar.
The important insight in EFT is that the cycle is the problem—not either partner.
Rather than asking, “Who started this?” couples can begin to recognize:
“This is the pattern we get caught in.”
Once couples can identify the cycle, they have an opportunity to slow it down and create a different response.
They can begin to notice:
- What happens just before the cycle starts?
- What emotions are underneath our reactions?
- What am I afraid might happen?
- What am I longing for from my partner?
- How does my response affect my partner?
- How might we respond differently next time?
Understanding the cycle can create space for new choices.
The Sound Relationship House
The Gottmans developed the Sound Relationship House, a framework for understanding and strengthening relationships.
The model takes a strengths-based approach. Rather than focusing exclusively on what is going wrong, it also asks couples to identify and build upon the things that are working.
Two particularly important pillars of the Sound Relationship House are Trust and Commitment.
Trust involves feeling that your partner is there for you, that they have your interests in mind, and that you can depend on them. Commitment involves choosing the relationship and maintaining a sense of “us,” including during difficult periods.
The Sound Relationship House also includes other relationship skills and processes that can help couples strengthen their friendship, manage conflict, support one another’s dreams, and create shared meaning.
This framework can give couples practical areas to focus on as they work toward a stronger relationship.
From Conflict to Connection
Both EFT and Gottman-informed couples therapy offer valuable ways of understanding relationship difficulties.
The Gottman approach provides couples with practical tools for strengthening friendship, managing conflict, reducing destructive patterns, and building trust and commitment.
EFT focuses strongly on emotional connection and attachment—helping partners understand the deeper emotions, fears, and longings that often drive their interactions.
Although the language and frameworks differ, both approaches encourage couples to move beyond simply trying to “win” an argument.
The deeper question becomes:
How can we understand each other and create a relationship where both partners feel safe, valued, and connected?
Recommended Reading
As a starting point, couples may find it helpful to read or listen to a relationship book together. There are many resources available, but these two are well-known, research-informed approaches to couples work and offer practical exercises as well.
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work— John Gottman
This book introduces the Gottmans’ research and provides practical strategies for strengthening friendship, managing conflict, and improving connection.
- Hold Me Tight— Sue Johnson
This book introduces the EFT approach and helps couples understand their emotional patterns, attachment needs, and the cycles that can create disconnection.
Both books also have workbook-style resources that couples may find useful for putting the ideas into practice.
A Final Thought
Working on a relationship can be beneficial for our overall well-being. When we invest in our relationships, we are also investing in an important part of our emotional and social health.
Couples therapy is not about creating a perfect relationship. Every couple experiences conflict, misunderstanding, and periods of disconnection. The goal is to develop greater awareness of the patterns that emerge between partners and learn how to repair, reconnect, and respond differently.
Sometimes the most meaningful change begins with something simple: slowing down enough to become curious about what is happening inside ourselves and our partner.
What if the conflict isn’t the enemy? What if it is an invitation to understand one another more deeply?
An Important Note About Safety
While couples counselling can be helpful for many relationship challenges, it is not appropriate for every situation. In relationships involving ongoing intimate-partner violence, coercive control, or other forms of abuse, joint couples counselling may not be a safe or suitable approach.
In these circumstances, individual support and specialized services may be more appropriate. Safety should always be the priority.
by Marcia Moitoso | Nov 7, 2025 | Mental Health, Mental Health Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Safety, Trauma
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a powerful, empirically supported psychotherapy developed to treat post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and a range of related conditions. At its core, EMDR helps people access and reprocess distressing experiences that continue to shape their current emotions, beliefs, and behaviors. By engaging the brain’s natural healing mechanisms, EMDR allows individuals to move toward genuine resolution and relief.
What is EMDR and How Does it Work?
If you’re new to EMDR or would like a refresher, I recommend starting with Kathryn Priest-Peries’s excellent overview, What on Earth Is EMDR?, which explains the process in detail from a client-centered perspective. You can also take a look at this video from the EMDR International Association which walks through each step of EMDR treatment.
In its standard form, EMDR follows a well-defined, eight-phase protocol. This structured approach produces reliable results for many people who have experienced trauma or ongoing distress. However, when someone presents with Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), or significant dissociation, EMDR therapists with advanced training make important modifications. These adjustments are designed to ensure safety, stabilize the nervous system, and support the client’s readiness to process painful memories effectively.
At its foundation, EMDR rests on the understanding that the human brain is inherently equipped to heal from painful experiences, much like the body naturally heals from physical wounds. When a traumatic event overwhelms our capacity to cope, the brain’s natural healing process can become “stuck,” leaving distressing memories unprocessed. EMDR uses a combination of focused attention, guided dialogue, and bilateral stimulation (such as eye movements, tapping, or sounds) to help the brain resume that innate healing process.
This process is guided by the Adaptive Information Processing (AIP) model. In simple terms, the AIP model suggests that healing occurs when the brain can connect painful or overwhelming memories with other, healthier information already stored in its memory networks. When these connections form, the emotional intensity and distorted beliefs attached to the traumatic memory begin to resolve, allowing the person to experience the past as truly in the past.
A Simple Example
Imagine someone who experiences a hit-and-run accident. Afterwards, they develop flashbacks and a constant sense of danger while driving. Suppose this person grew up in a safe, supportive environment where emotions were expressed and validated. They come to EMDR therapy to address their anxiety and flashbacks.
During treatment, the EMDR process helps their brain link the traumatic event with earlier experiences of safety, trust, and competence. As the nervous system reorients toward those adaptive experiences, the distress naturally diminishes and the person creates new meaning around the experience. The person begins to feel calm, grounded, and confident behind the wheel again—often after only a few sessions.
This is how standard EMDR is designed to work—and for many people, it works beautifully.
But what happens when someone did not grow up in a safe or nurturing environment, or when their life has involved years of chronic trauma or neglect? That’s where EMDR for Complex PTSD, dissociative disorders, and survivors of early trauma becomes more nuanced.
EMDR for Complex PTSD, Dissociative Disorders, and Survivors of Early Neglect or Trauma
When someone has endured years of chronic trauma, neglect, or instability (especially during childhood), EMDR often needs to look different from the standard approach described above. There are two main reasons for this:
- Limited access to adaptive information
As mentioned earlier, standard EMDR relies on the brain’s ability to connect a painful memory with more adaptive, healthy experiences. For example, the nervous system might recall the sense of safety or comfort that existed before the traumatic event, allowing the brain to “update” the old memory with new meaning: I survived; I’m safe now.
However, for many people who grew up in unsafe or unpredictable environments, there were few experiences of consistent emotional or physical safety. Instead of learning people are generally good and I am worthy of care, the brain internalizes the opposite messages: people are dangerous, and I am bad or unworthy. Without those adaptive reference points, the standard EMDR process has little healthy material to connect to.
- Overwhelm and dissociation
Even if someone has experienced moments of safety, years of chronic stress or trauma can make it extremely difficult to access that information. When the nervous system has been in survival mode for long periods, the brain may rely on an extreme form of coping called structural dissociation – essentially, deep compartmentalization of experience.
In this state, the brain “walls off” traumatic memories or emotions in order to function day to day. This strategy allows for survival but often leads to distressing symptoms later on: flashbacks, emotional numbness, gaps in memory, or sudden shifts in mood or behaviour. Because the traumatic memories remain unprocessed, they continue to intrude – sometimes as nightmares, body sensations, or painful beliefs about the self.
In some cases, the mind may even organize into distinct “parts” or self-states, each holding different emotions, memories, or survival strategies. Someone might notice that one part of them feels calm and capable, while another part feels terrified, angry, or shut down. These experiences are not “imagined”—they reflect the brain’s adaptive effort to manage what once felt unbearable.
For this reason, basic EMDR, which begins directly with traumatic memories, can feel overwhelming or even destabilizing.
How EMDR Is Adapted for Complex Trauma
Unlike standard EMDR, we don’t start with the memories. It is often too overwhelming for a person who has sustained prolonged trauma to start by going straight for memories. Instead we work through the trauma in a series of layers
Layer 1: Installing adaptive information
Before processing trauma, we first establish internal and relational safety. Using bilateral stimulation and the supportive relationship with the therapist, we begin to “install” experiences of calm, safety, and self-compassion—sometimes in very small, manageable doses. This stage also includes learning about how trauma affects the brain and body, which helps clients make sense of their reactions and realize that what they’re experiencing is a normal response to overwhelming events.
Many people begin to notice subtle but meaningful shifts here, such as the emerging belief: I’m not bad, and not all people are unsafe. I went through terrible experiences that shaped those beliefs, but they are not the whole truth of who I am.
Layer 2: Addressing fears about healing
For those who have lived with trauma for a long time, even the idea of healing can feel scary. There may be fears about feeling emotions, remembering painful events, or losing control. Using EMDR techniques, we work through these fears in the present moment, gently calming the nervous system so it can tolerate greater safety and emotional processing.
Layer 3: Working with parts of self
Because complex trauma often leads to internal fragmentation, EMDR therapists may integrate elements of parts work, such as concepts from Internal Family Systems (IFS). This helps clients recognize and build communication between their different self-states. As compassion and understanding grow within the internal system, the mind begins to feel less divided and more cohesive.
Layer 4: Processing traumatic memories
Only when there is sufficient stability and internal cooperation do we begin to process traumatic memories directly—and even then, this looks gentler than standard EMDR. The therapist offers ongoing guidance, helping ensure that the client remains grounded and resourced throughout. Over time, the once-fragmented memories integrate into a coherent story that no longer overwhelms the nervous system and is experienced as truly in the past. People notice many of their symptoms resolve and they begin to feel more whole.
A Final Note
This process can sound complex—and it is—but for those who have lived through years of trauma, it’s a thoughtful, compassionate, and profoundly hopeful path toward healing. EMDR therapists with advanced training in complex trauma and dissociation understand this work deeply and serve as steady guides throughout the process.
I’ve had the privilege of witnessing many clients heal from experiences that once felt impossible to face. If you have questions about whether EMDR might be appropriate for you or someone you care about, please reach out. We’re always happy to explain how this approach can be safely and effectively tailored to your unique needs. We’re here for you.
If you’re an EMDR clinician looking to hone your skills in working with clients who present with C-PTSD, we also offer EMDR consultation. Please reach out to us for more details.
by Aelaf Kebebu | Jun 5, 2024 | Anxiety, Connection, Counselling, Mental Health, Mental Health Disorder, Mindfulness Meditation, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Safety, Self Care, Therapy, Trauma
“On occasion, our bodies speak loudly about things we would rather not hear. That is the time to pause and listen.” Verny, Thomas R
Somatic therapy, rooted in the belief that the body is where life happens, empowers individuals to take an active role in their healing journey. It harnesses body techniques to strengthen the evolving dialogue between the client and therapist, fostering a deeper understanding of the relationship between bodily experiences and mental states. By focusing on a holistic perspective, somatic therapy cultivates embodied self-awareness, guiding clients to tune into sensations in specific body parts. This approach has been found to be particularly beneficial for addressing issues such as eating disorders, body image issues, sexual dysfunction, chronic illness, emotion regulation, disassociation, and trauma.
Breathwork in somatic psychotherapy
Breathwork, a cornerstone of somatic therapy, has a rich and diverse history in the realm of physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual healing. Its transformative power can alleviate psychological distress, soften character defenses, release bodily tension, and foster a profound sense of embodiment and tranquility. Somatic therapists employ breathwork techniques, from energizing the body for emotional processing to soothing and grounding hyperactive body parts, offering a hopeful path to healing and self-discovery.
Conscious breathing practices are used:
- to help couples and families to connect through touch
- assist in recovering from trauma
- to promote sensory awareness,
- and to access altered states of consciousness for healing purposes
What is disordered breathing?
Disordered breathing, a term often used in the context of somatic therapy, refers to a state where the physiology and psychology of breathing intertwine. It’s characterized by irregular breathing patterns, which can trigger anxiety or panic and disrupt cognitive processes like decision-making. These patterns can vary based on emotional states, with sighing, increased depth, or rate of breath often associated with anxiety and anger.
Irregular respiratory patterns could be associated with anger, guilt, or deep, weeping sadness. Hyperventilation associated with panic or anxiety creates lower levels of CO2 in the blood, often leading to decreased attention and mental impediments. Loss of concentration, memory loss, poor coordination, distraction, lower reaction time, and lower intellectual functioning are all associated with low CO2.
Feeling anxious: produces a distinguishing pattern of upper-chest breathing, which modifies blood chemistry. This leads to a chain reaction of effects, inducing anxiety and reinforcing the pattern that produced the dysfunctional pattern of breathing in the first place.
Body Posture: has also been cited as a factor in breathing efficiency and patterns. Somatic therapy tends to operationalize posture as a function of personality or character. Somatic therapists often note how one’s posture is presented when describing the emotional state. They track feelings and sensations in the body to help the client make sense of their experience in connection with their body.
What are some benefits of somatic psychotherapy?
- The body is not just a location for distress but also for pleasure, connection, vibrancy, vitality, ease, rest, and expansion. Somatic therapy could make this easier to achieve through processing and resolving difficult bodily experiences.
- Positive self-image: Somatic therapy can help clients feel a positive connection to their bodies and promote self-confidence.
- Positive body image: Somatic therapy can enhance body connection and comfort instead of disrupting body connection and discomfort by pairing difficulty with enjoyable sensations to increase tolerance.
- Enhance the body’s ability to experience and express desire by encouraging the client to Stay with and expand enjoyable sensations.
- Encourages attunement of the body and enhances self-care instead of self-harm and neglect.
- Provides a protective space where clients can re-associate with their bodily experience.
In conclusion, our bodies contain a complicated, unified, multilevel cellular memory system that allows us to be fully functional human beings, and attending to our body’s needs could enhance our overall mental and physical well-being.
If you are interested in somatic psychotherapy, please contact our Client Care Team to connect with one of our clinicians.
References
Stupiggia, M. (2019). Traumatic Dis-Embodiment: Effects of trauma on body perception and body image. In H. Payne, S. Koch, and J. Tantia (Eds.), The Routledge International Handbook of Embodied Perspectives in Psychotherapy (pp. 389-396). Routledge
Verny, T. R. (2021). The Embodied Mind: Understanding the Mysteries of Cellular Memory, Consciousness, and Our Bodies. Simon and Schuster.
Victoria, H. K., & Caldwell, C. (2013). Breathwork in body psychotherapy: Clinical applications. Body, Movement and Dance in Psychotherapy, 8(4), 216- 228. https://doi.org/10.1080/17432979.2013.828657
