by Fiona Scott | Sep 6, 2024 | ADHD, Anxiety, Autism, Children, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Teens, Tips
So, it’s that time of year again… time to gather up your mental strength and prepare to dive back into another school year. However, for those of us with kids under the neurodivergent umbrella, it can be an additional challenge, or even a cause for dread.
Will the teacher ‘get’ your kid?
Should you go in giving them a whole lot of information about your kiddo, or will that start things off on the wrong foot?
How long until the IEP gets updated, and will it even be useful?
Is your kiddo going to throw a fit because this is the year the classroom stops using pencil crayons or they’re expected to learn square dancing in PE?
Support Your Neurodivergent Kid by Supporting Youself
Breathe. I mean it, BREATHE. There are lots of things that you can do to prepare for the new school year, and there are a whole lot of things that you can’t prepare for, and that tends to be where the panic sets in. And I get it – I used to take every ‘first day of school’ off work because I was so anxious about my neurodivergent kiddos that there was no chance of getting any useful work done. I want you to know, though, that this is just one moment in a whole lifetime for your kiddo. It may have huge significance for you, but they may not even remember it in 10 years’ time. So, let’s take a deep breath and adjust our perspective.
There are two issues in parenting a school-aged kiddo who is neurodivergent. One is helping the kid deal with all the challenges they encounter, which may be more complicated than for their more neurotypical peers. The second issue is dealing with your own feelings about your child’s challenges. It can be really hard seeing them struggle with friendships, or be down on themselves because they don’t understand the teacher when they’re explaining math. Our parental spidey senses are constantly on alert trying to anticipate, and avoid, potential problems. So, a lot of our energy is going to be on managing ourselves, and being that calm presence that our kids can rely on as a safe place.
There are a whole lot of things that you can do to help your children with the practical, emotional and social aspects of transitioning to a new school year. For example, along with my colleague Ruth Germo, we have a webinar on transitions to high school. There are a host of good resources out there on the internet, too. And these are the things that parents can keep themselves very busy with at this time of year.
However, this year, I’m going to challenge you (because you definitely don’t have enough on your plates already!) to take a moment a couple of times a day to:
- Stop
- Breathe
- Check in with yourself
- Feel your feelings
- Acknowledge the tough emotions
- Give yourself a little love and grace
- Recognize that ‘this too shall pass’
- Refocus on the long-term goals/plans
- One more nice deep breath, and …
- Back to it, big smile (you know the one)
Neurodivergent Kids Need Us.
In my humble opinion, one of the most underrated predictors of childhood success in schools is parents. Not because we read to them every night, or make them do their homework, drive them to endless stuff or advocate for them (although that’s all extremely important, too). It’s because we’re the safe space they come home to, and launch from. We’re there to commiserate and comfort them on the tough stuff, celebrate with them on the wins, you know, the ones that nobody else will ‘get’, remember their preferences and needs so that they always have the ‘right’ socks or remember to charge their headphones.
We’re their foundation. And if we don’t give ourselves the bare minimum of consideration and care, we won’t be as able to be that safe space for them. I know, truly, I know, they come first. All I’m asking is that you don’t always put yourself last.
If you find that you’re struggling with this, or any aspect of parenting your special needs children, consider reaching out for help. There are people who have lived experience and education who can understand and who won’t judge you for the fact that your kid has eaten white bread with marshmallow spread every day for the last 6 years because that’s all they’ll eat. We’ve been where you are. And we not only survived it, we can let you know that it is all worth it.
by Fiona Scott | Jul 26, 2024 | ADHD, Autism, Communication, Connection, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Tips
So, you have a friend who tells you they are ‘neurodivergent’. This might mean that they have autism, ADHD, Down’s syndrome, synaesthesia, Tourette’s syndrome… or a number of other conditions. Basically, it just means that their brains work a little differently than what is considered ‘typical’. This can mean that they are incredibly smart, creative and sensitive – but it can also mean that they may struggle with certain aspects of daily life. If you’re reading this blog post so that you can learn how to best support them and be their friend, read on!
What Should I Know About Neurodivergence?
It’s hard to describe the way in which sensory input can be overwhelming to people with neurodivergence. Not only can it make it even harder for the brain to process information through all the sensory “noise”, it can be really difficult to tolerate, to the point of being painful. You can help your friends by understanding what they need in order to deal with tough situations. For example, if you know that your friend is sensitive to noise, make sure they have their noise-cancelling headphones with them – make room in your bag if need be! Realize that even if they are doing something they love, they may need to take a break, go outside or to a quieter corner, chill out or regroup. You can always ask them what they need! If you’re going somewhere you know will be challenging, have a plan for if things get too much.
Don’t rely on your neurodivergent friend remembering something you told them, like what needs to be done before the party next week, or the deadline for the next academic paper. Especially if they are currently doing something else, stressed out, or coping with a lot of external sensory stimulation, they may converse with you and seem engaged, but may not be able to turn that input into longer-term memory. Ask your friend what works best to help them remember – is texting or emailing better? Do they want you to bug them until they put it into their Google calendars? They know what works for them best.
How Can I Be Supportive?
A lot of neurodivergent people rely on plans to help them to prepare for situations that might become overwhelming. So when plans change without warning, they can become really stressed out. As much as possible, try to stick to the plan and, if something happens to derail it, be prepared to do whatever will help, whether that’s getting a favourite “comfort” coffee drink, finding ways to make it easier, or even abandoning plans to try again another day. Again, don’t be afraid to ask the person what they need.
Neurodivergent people often feel really guilty about having to have people make extra effort for them. If you do have to go out of your way, do things differently from what you’re used to, or even abandon a planned outing, try not to make them feel bad. That doesn’t mean ignoring your own feelings – just try not to let your frustrations show too much. Guaranteed, they are even more frustrated than you are!
It’s wonderful to give choices, but when neurodivergent people get overwhelmed, sometimes it’s too much to have to make a decision. You can ask, “do you need me to make a decision for you?”, or maybe offer a choice of two options, rather than six. Obviously, this applies to questions like which takeout to choose … not which school to attend or career to pursue! Decision fatigue is also a real issue, which is why activities like grocery shopping can be really tough (as well as the overwhelming sensory stimuli). Sometimes, just being with your friend (known as body doubling) can help them to feel grounded enough to make progress themselves.
Learn More About Allyship
If you are interested in learning more about neurodivergence or how to better support your loved ones, please contact our Client Care Team to connect with an experienced clinician.
by Fiona Scott | Sep 12, 2023 | ADHD, Anxiety, burnout, Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Depression
We’ve all seen articles telling us how to ‘indulge’ in self-care in a curated, Instagrammable, Pinterest-worthy way. You know, bubble baths and pedicures, mojitos with your friends and charcuterie boards. And that’s… nice for those who can manage it. But if you read those articles, and the very thought of all that is exhausting and makes you want to cry, read on… we’ve got you covered.
What is Self-Care?
Here’s the thing: Self-care means anything that you do for your own good. And, just like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, we can classify self-care in a pyramid.The bottom of the pyramid? Things like: taking your meds, brushing your teeth, getting out of bed (with or without getting dressed), making yourself eat. And if those are too much, try and think of the smallest thing that you could manage to do in your day, and prioritize. It’s probably more important that you eat something and take your meds than get dressed or brush your teeth. Of course, those things are important, too, but when you’re in crisis, you need to choose the absolute essentials.
Once you have the basics covered, the next most important thing is to add in some joyful things which will fill your cup. Are you rewatching all of Star Trek in order? (That’s mine!) Do you like to knit, crochet, paint or draw? Do you have ‘$20 in your pocket’ and enough energy to make it to the thrift store? Can you make it out for a Starbucks with a friend?
Self-Care is Necessary
If you find yourself struggling with self-care, try gently asking yourself why. Are you exhausted and in chronic pain and it’s just physically difficult to do tasks? Are you in the bottom of a depression and shame spiral and you don’t feel like you’re worthy of love and care? Do you feel like any time, effort or money spent on yourself is ‘bad’? Maybe some of these things are issues to take up with your doctor and/or counsellor. If you are struggling with everything, including eating and taking meds consistently, it may be time to make a decision to ask for help.
Make Self-Care a Judgement Free Zone
Things that tend not to be helpful: Beating yourself up about what you ‘should’ be able to do, or listening to helpful relatives suggest that ‘if you just got to bed at a decent time’ you’d be able to do everything with ease. In order to work on making changes in our lives, we first need to accept where we are – without judgement, shame, blame or self-hatred.
It can help to find someone whom you admire who has also struggled with similar issues. For example, one of my favourite authors, John Green, struggles with intrusive thought spirals due to OCD, like I do – and it makes me feel just a little bit better.
Creative Coping
If you struggle with certain self-care tasks, look for alternatives. Please know that many, many people have specific struggles with tasks like showering, brushing their teeth, visiting the dentist or doctor, taking their medications, etc. Instead of looking at those Instagram-perfect lives, use social media to your advantage, and find YouTubers and TikTokkers who understand what you’re going through and can give you some ideas:
Showering: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43AH2Toi4Ho
Alternatives to tooth brushing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJ0YaA9nKGc
Dental care: www.youtube.com/watch?v=atM2PbF4SIs&ab_channel=HowtoADHD
Self-Care with ADHD: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_kOPlMttl4
Neurodivergent self-care: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPrF73fN_oU&ab_channel=fosteronthespectrum
If you struggle to take your meds, think about whether it’s a problem remembering (and put them somewhere you will be sure to see them every day), or a mental struggle (you may have to bribe yourself with a treat, or get a loved one to check in with you to help you to be consistent).
Dentists and doctors: if you have fears or specific issues, it can seem overwhelming to tackle medical appointments. Here’s the time to take your loved ones up on their offer to advocate for you, and let them take care of scheduling, transport, being with you and checking in on you during the appointment if they recognize that you are overwhelmed.
It can be hard to work on decorating your space when you don’t have a lot of energy or motivation, but if you spend a lot of time in your room, it’s important. There are resources which can help you. Try this YouTube video for some good ideas: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABof7aqVSoQ
The Best and Bravest Decision
Deciding to work on self-care is a very brave decision. And one of the best ways to do that is to ask for help. This is often really hard! But you probably know some people who would be happy to help if they just knew what you needed. This might involve swallowing your pride a little bit. It takes courage to let even a trusted person into your space when it’s messy or dirty. I 100% promise you that they are not judging you like you are judging yourself. I also promise you that if they were living your life right now, they’d be struggling, too. This isn’t about your sickness, disability or lack of motivation. It’s about figuring out what you need to in order to create a life worth living.
So, self-care can be hard. And yes, that sucks. But it’s the foundation which will allow you to build towards all the good things that are waiting for you. Remember that every tiny act of self-care you can manage will build up into a forward momentum towards feeling better.
by Stefanie Tong | Jul 12, 2021 | ADHD, Anxiety, Autism, Creative Arts Programs, Depression, Health, Mental Health, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Stress, Therapy, Trauma
Many people feel apprehensive or intimidated when they hear the word “dance.” Movement is a beautiful and intricate part of who we are. We are in constant motion, from blood flowing through our veins to neurons firing during thought processes and through the simplicity of breath. Our very existence depends on the continuous movement happening within the body.
Therapeutic dance, or movement, is a mind-body approach for working with emotions towards holistic wellness. We often dismiss the subtle signs of stress from our bodies until it becomes a chronic issue, preventing us from functioning in our daily lives. Therapeutic dance and movement explores the presence of emotions within the body and shows us how to care for the emotional symptoms that we may find.
What do you mean by emotions living in the body?
Have you ever noticed sayings like, “I have butterflies in my stomach,” “That gave me the heebie-jeebies,” or “My blood is boiling”? These sayings are examples of how we experience nervousness, fear, and anger in the body. Some people describe these feelings in their body as “gut feelings.” We often override gut feelings using the mind and ignore what is happening in the body. Learning to trust in the body’s wisdom is an important skill to possess in today’s fast-paced world.
In therapeutic dance and movement, the connection between the mind and the body is facilitated as a conversation used to achieve a deeper understanding of the self. Emotions in the body are made aware by paying attention to the subtle shifts in the body and linked back to spoken language.
What does an appointment look like?
Clients are often surprised that a session does not have to involve dance whatsoever. Sessions are NOT like a dance class, experience in movement is not even required. Therapeutic dance/movement is an approach that gives your body the space to express what words cannot. Do you ever move your hands when you talk? That’s a form of therapeutic movement! A session can consist of talking to someone, along with the optional invitation of moving, breath-work, or spontaneous dance. It’s entirely up to you! Another way to interpret therapeutic dance/movement is as a counselling session. Your whole body is invited into the conversation, and expression is created from the inside to the outside.
There have been times clients have said, “I’m not sure why I just did that.” The body knows what the mind may not understand quite yet. Therapeutic dance/movement helps to bring understanding and self-compassion to patterns of being. Session goals are co-created between client and practitioner. With this, a therapeutic movement session becomes a journey of creative expression and experiential processing.
What can therapeutic dance/movement help with?
Therapeutic dance/movement can help with anything, such as stress, pain, difficulty sleeping, relationship issues, chronic illness, temper tantrums, developmental disabilities, and neurodiverse diagnoses.
Some other issues therapeutic dance/movement can support:
- Feeling stuck
- Feeling agitated or angry
- Anxiety
- Depression / low mood
- Trauma
- Autism Spectrum Disorder
- Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
- Tantrums and intense emotional upsets
- Strengthening relationships
How Can I Start Moving?
Whether you want to start moving by speaking, storytelling, writing, drawing, or dancing, get your emotions moving today by calling our office to book a therapeutic dance/movement session. Have a quick question about therapeutic dance/movement? Click here to email our therapeutic dance/movement practitioner, Stefanie.
by Nikita Bhatty-Avdic | Jan 12, 2021 | ADHD, Anxiety, Encouragement, Executive Function, Mental Health
ADHD and the Role Parents Play
Many parents wonder what role they should play in the lives of their child with ADHD. When answering an important question like this one, we like to start with the experts. In my professional readings, I often turn to the literature of Dr. Russell A. Barkley, PhD., a leading expert in the management of ADHD in children. He has a great perspective to start with when searching for insightful, research-based information around the struggles of children with attention problems and the challenges faced by their parents.
In his book, Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete, Authoritative Guide For Parents, Dr. Barkley describes the role of the parent of a child with ADHD as that of a skilled executive, who acts as a team leader on behalf of the child, treating the child’s teachers, therapists, coaches or physicians as personal advisors. To assume this role fully, parents learn how to take on the headspace of a high-functioning executive, one who uses planning, prioritizing, problem solving and goal-setting skills to get the job done and ensure success for their child. In doing so, these parents (nicknamed “executive parents” by Dr. Barkely) develop their own confidence and fortify their roles as true case managers; ones who are in charge and ones who determine, to a great extent, how the care for their child takes shape.
Why Parents Need to Become Executive Parents
“Wait a second,” you might think, “Why this is role necessary when many children with learning and behavior problems already have case managers in the school system who consult with teachers, develop IEP goals and carry out recommendations? Isn’t that enough?” Ultimately, we find it is still the parents themselves who tend to be the best case managers of their children’s supports, as they are the ones who know the child best and can best advocate for their needs.
Parents who take on this executive role eventually learn to be proactive and are prepared to lead the way for other people involved in supporting their child over the long haul. Executive Parents understand that even though other individual children may be maturing faster and becoming more independent, children with learning and behavior challenges like Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and Specific Learning Disability (SLD) may struggle more than others their age, needing longer periods of parental support and management. These Executive Parents learn how to act as advocates, working with others to provide the resources that the child needs over time.
The Executive Parent that Dr. Barkley envisions also understands that only they can make their child’s success their number one priority. Of course, school personnel can provide special education services, physicians can provide medical consultations, tutors can provide academic support and coaches can assist with athletics – but in the end, it’s ideal if a parent can coordinate these services in a way that works for their child. That’s not to say that specialized and skilled professionals aren’t valuable, but they cannot replace the wisdom and dedication that parents bring to the table.
It’s important to note that while the image of a highly functioning executive may bring the image of a task master to mind, parents should instead aim to operate as a decision-maker and problem-solver on behalf of their child. The child is still viewed as a complete person, with skills, competencies, feelings and preferences of their own, and above all, the potential to succeed!
It’s Okay That You’re Still Learning
Learning these “Executive Parent” skills won’t come all at once, and that’s okay. The more you learn to take this role on, the more you will develop your voice, learn how to get the information you need, ask helpful questions, and make your feelings heard. Learning these skills over time will help create more clarity around which choices to make for your child, too. And over time, you can take your place walking alongside them, clearing the way for their best interests and taking your rightful place as their biggest fan.
I know that doing all of this as a parent is difficult. It can be overwhelming to take on this role with your child sometimes, and it can also be hard to understand the systems that your child is having to operate within through school and other activities. I’d love to be a help to you and your child as you navigate this together. If I can be of any help, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
by Nikita Bhatty-Avdic | Jul 22, 2020 | ADHD, Anxiety, Children, Connection, Education, Stress
One of my favourite things to do during my time as a teacher was to set up schedules for my classroom, plan out lessons and units, and help students stay on track with their learning and with their assignments. As a young mom back then, I thought it would be a good idea to use the same kind of set up at home with my own kids around scheduled feeding, sleep time, and play time. As my own kids grew and my role as a teacher of teens continued, I realized more and more that kids of all kinds thrive from structure, routine and predictability. All of these things help our kids with their executive function.
In school, teachers provide schedules, structures and routines to kids that, over time, become a way of life. The benefits of this kind of structured functioning became clear to me as my students and my own children entered the teenage years. In my roles as a mom and a teacher I was able to witness the advantages of good planning skills in teens firsthand, and the troubles that can arise for kids when organizational skills fall apart.
These kinds of planning skills are known as executive function skills (meaning the skills you need to execute tasks). What most parents and teachers don’t realize is that the full scope of executive function doesn’t just include planning and organizing, but also includes:
- Getting started
- Following through on tasks
- Goal-directed persistence
- Performance monitoring
- Emotional regulation
With the latest research in neuropsychology, we’re discovering that it can take up to 25 years for executive skills to fully develop! In other words, executive skills are dependent on brain development over time. This development happens in the prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain just behind the forehead.
Once I started to learn more about executive skill development in kids and teens, I became particularly concerned about kids who had challenges with executive skills. These are the kids who underachieve because of weak skills in organization and time management, which in turn prevents them from working to their potential or achieving their goals. In many cases these kids have had chronic problems throughout school and may have developed a negative history there. Sometimes these kids have been labelled as lazy, irresponsible and not caring about their own success and achievement. These children are largely misunderstood. For kids with attentional disorders and learning challenges, these skills develop even more slowly and are more sensitive to disruption.
Stress and Executive Function Skills: Getting Through School Closure And Online Learning In The Time of A Pandemic
At the time of our school closures when typical schedules and routines disappeared, and teacher support for project completion, time management and organizational skills was unavailable, many students with weak or immature executive skills floundered. In fact, many students of all abilities, including high achieving students, struggled without the day-in, day-out support that teachers typically provide through face to face connections and organizational supports in classrooms.
Even more importantly, in times of stress (such as during the current pandemic), everyone’s executive skills are taxed. From a survival point of view, right now is the time when our brains are hard-wired to focus on the immediate needs in our environment and whatever is causing our stress. This in turn decreases the resources that usually get directed to executive skills, leading to reductions in working memory, emotional regulation, sustained attention and goal-related persistence – just to name a few!
When Kids Are Stretched And Stressed
During the pandemic, many parents are struggling to contain their own worries about jobs, lost income and health conditions related to the COVID-19 virus. When kids begin to understand what their parents are worrying about, they start to worry too. To add to the strain, the familiarity and routine of school as well as the many supports at school that provide security to students have disappeared. This support often includes nutrition breaks, feelings of love and belonging, and connections with teachers and peers who care for them.
Finally, increased expectations that kids manage their school work on their own when daily routines disappeared tended to overload many students and contributed to a significant amount stress and difficulty completing work. This stress can result in reduced mental resources that are normally devoted to executive function, causing significant difficulties for kids in coping emotionally and keeping up with learning at home.
How Can I Help As An Executive Skills Coach?
Moving forward, as we all wait to hear from our Education Minister regarding school opening plans, we can be thinking about how to best support kids in this upcoming school year, no matter what it brings. The best approach (at any time, but especially at a time like this) is to view executive functioning difficulties as obstacles, rather than character flaws or poor choices. If we approach kids using problem-solving strategies that include a sympathetic ear, trauma-informed practice (relationships matter!) and some open-ended questions and discussions, kids are more likely to work with us, do better and feel better.
Many parents regularly use coaching as an option when teens push back against attempts to teach new skills to help them manage the details of life. Coaching is a process that keeps the pressure and the meltdowns away from parents, preserves family relationships at a time when they matter most, and helps kids develop the skills they need to adapt to new realities with resilience.
Through coaching, kids can become the independent, self-sufficient individuals they want to be (and that their parents want to see), even during a pandemic.
As a coach, I work with kids to support their emotional health and well-being, help them identify their goals, and make daily plans to achieve them. This might include keeping up with assignments, advocating for accommodations at school, improving grades or even getting a job. I work hard to help kids feel autonomous and make important decisions about the goals that they want to work towards. At a time like this, our kids need a helping hand to navigate their way through very unsettling times, all the while keeping their eye on the prize – there is a way through this!
As a consultant, I offer advice and strategies to kids, leaving the final decisions in their hands! In this way, a pre-teen or teen’s success building small goals will build a base for achieving bigger goals over time. I firmly believe that with help, kids can overcome the hardships that have suddenly landed on them and feel proud of themselves for prevailing.
My role in the life of your child and your family in my practice at Alongside You is to offer support to help kids build executive function skills and feel successful, help your kids survive the pandemic and the continued upcoming changes in school life, and to help all of you stay connected and learn to rise above the current schooling challenges due to the pandemic.
If you would like to meet with me for a consultation regarding your child’s progress, please contact us and we will be in touch with you soon. Secure video appointments are a safe, kid-friendly space to meet virtually and shake-off the anxiety, despair and overwhelm and gain some ground as we approach our new normal at school.
Reach out for help, relieve worry and remember that a helping hand is what is most needed for kids at this time in order to feeling better, learn better and do better. I look forward to working with you and your kids!
