by Matt Hislop | Aug 25, 2026 | Anxiety, Communication, Connection, Counselling, Curiosity, Emotional, Encouragement, Family, Forgive, Forgiveness, Guidance, Health, In The Community, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Motivation, Reflection, Relationship, Relationships, Resources, Safety, Self Confidence, Stress, Therapy |
Relationships matter. They give us a sense of purpose, belonging, and meaning in our lives. When our relationships are going well, they can positively influence our physiological, emotional, and social well-being. We may feel more secure, supported, seen, and heard.
When relationships become strained, however, we can experience hopelessness, feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or disconnected from one another. Couples therapy can provide an opportunity to slow things down, understand what is happening beneath the conflict, and develop new ways of connecting.
Two approaches that have significantly influenced couples therapy are Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Sue Johnson and colleagues, and the Gottman Method, developed by John and Julie Gottman. While they have different frameworks and terminology, both approaches emphasize connection, emotional responsiveness, and understanding the patterns that develop between partners.
Physiologically: Understanding Emotional Flooding
Relationship challenges can affect us physically as well as emotionally. Stress within a relationship may contribute to irritability, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, rumination, low mood, and feeling overwhelmed. When our nervous system becomes activated, it can become much harder to listen, communicate clearly, and remain connected to our partner.
The Gottmans describe one form of this intense physiological activation as emotional flooding. When someone becomes flooded, their body can enter a heightened state of arousal. Heart rate may increase, breathing can become more rapid, and it can become difficult to think clearly or remain receptive to what a partner is saying.
The Gottmans have highlighted heart rate and other physiological signs as useful indicators that someone may need a break from a difficult conversation. A heart rate around 90 beats per minute has been discussed in Gottman research as one indicator of flooding, but it is important not to treat 90 bpm as a universal clinical cutoff. People differ in their baseline heart rates and in how they experience physiological stress.
The more important skill is learning to notice when you are becoming flooded.
When this happens, it can be helpful to pause the conversation, take some time to breathe and self-soothe, and allow the nervous system to settle. Taking a break does not mean abandoning the conversation. In fact, it can be an important part of maintaining the relationship.
A helpful message might be:
“I am feeling overwhelmed right now. I care about this conversation, and I want to come back to it when I can be more present.”
This communicates both a need for space and a commitment to reconnect.
The goal is not to avoid difficult conversations. The goal is to create enough safety and regulation that both partners can remain engaged.
Emotionally: Looking Beneath the Conflict
In couples therapy, it is valuable to pay attention not only to what partners are saying but also to the emotions underneath their words and behaviours.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) places particular emphasis on helping couples identify and explore their emotional experiences and the deeper attachment needs or yearnings beneath them.
For example, a partner may say:
“You never listen to me.”
On the surface, this sounds like criticism. Beneath the criticism, however, there may be a deeper experience:
“I feel like I don’t matter to you, and I am scared that I am losing you.”
This is an important shift. Instead of focusing only on the criticism, couples can begin to explore the more vulnerable emotions and needs underneath it.
EFT often helps partners recognize emotions such as fear, sadness, shame, loneliness, and hurt. Anger can also be an important emotion in relationships. In many EFT formulations, anger can function as a secondary or protective emotion that develops in response to more vulnerable feelings such as fear, hurt, shame, or sadness. At the same time, anger can also arise directly from experiences of injustice, violation, or trauma, so it is important not to assume that every experience of anger has the same underlying emotion.
Learning to become curious about our emotions can help us understand what we are actually needing from our partner.
Instead of asking:
“Who is right?”
Couples can begin asking:
“What is happening between us?”
and
“What is each of us needing in this moment?”
This shift can create opportunities for greater empathy and emotional connection.
Socially: Looking at the Bigger Picture
Relationships do not exist in isolation. What happens in the outside world can have a significant impact on how partners relate to one another.
Work stress, parenting responsibilities, hobbies, community or service commitments, family dynamics, financial pressures, health challenges, friendships, and other life circumstances can all affect a couple’s ability to connect.
Sometimes what looks like a relationship problem is being intensified by the amount of stress each person is carrying.
Couples counselling can provide space to explore questions such as:
- What pressures are each of us experiencing outside the relationship?
- How are those pressures affecting our ability to connect?
- What support do we have from friends and family?
- Are we making enough time for our relationship?
- What activities help us experience joy and connection together?
Social support can be an important resource for couples. Healthy friendships and family relationships can provide encouragement, perspective, and opportunities for individual renewal.
It is also important for couples to make room for fun.
Relationships can easily become focused on responsibilities, conflict, finances, parenting, work, and everything that needs to get done. Spending time together doing something enjoyable can help couples remember that their relationship is more than the problems they are trying to solve.
Sometimes reconnecting starts with remembering what brought you together in the first place.
When Couples Get Caught in a Cycle
One of the central ideas in EFT is that couples can become caught in repetitive interactional cycles.
A disagreement may begin with one partner feeling disconnected and reaching out through criticism or protest. The other partner may experience this as criticism and respond by withdrawing or becoming defensive. The first partner then feels even more alone and reaches out more intensely. The second partner withdraws further.
Over time, this pattern can become familiar.
The important insight in EFT is that the cycle is the problem—not either partner.
Rather than asking, “Who started this?” couples can begin to recognize:
“This is the pattern we get caught in.”
Once couples can identify the cycle, they have an opportunity to slow it down and create a different response.
They can begin to notice:
- What happens just before the cycle starts?
- What emotions are underneath our reactions?
- What am I afraid might happen?
- What am I longing for from my partner?
- How does my response affect my partner?
- How might we respond differently next time?
Understanding the cycle can create space for new choices.
The Sound Relationship House
The Gottmans developed the Sound Relationship House, a framework for understanding and strengthening relationships.
The model takes a strengths-based approach. Rather than focusing exclusively on what is going wrong, it also asks couples to identify and build upon the things that are working.
Two particularly important pillars of the Sound Relationship House are Trust and Commitment.
Trust involves feeling that your partner is there for you, that they have your interests in mind, and that you can depend on them. Commitment involves choosing the relationship and maintaining a sense of “us,” including during difficult periods.
The Sound Relationship House also includes other relationship skills and processes that can help couples strengthen their friendship, manage conflict, support one another’s dreams, and create shared meaning.
This framework can give couples practical areas to focus on as they work toward a stronger relationship.
From Conflict to Connection
Both EFT and Gottman-informed couples therapy offer valuable ways of understanding relationship difficulties.
The Gottman approach provides couples with practical tools for strengthening friendship, managing conflict, reducing destructive patterns, and building trust and commitment.
EFT focuses strongly on emotional connection and attachment—helping partners understand the deeper emotions, fears, and longings that often drive their interactions.
Although the language and frameworks differ, both approaches encourage couples to move beyond simply trying to “win” an argument.
The deeper question becomes:
How can we understand each other and create a relationship where both partners feel safe, valued, and connected?
Recommended Reading
As a starting point, couples may find it helpful to read or listen to a relationship book together. There are many resources available, but these two are well-known, research-informed approaches to couples work and offer practical exercises as well.
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work— John Gottman
This book introduces the Gottmans’ research and provides practical strategies for strengthening friendship, managing conflict, and improving connection.
- Hold Me Tight— Sue Johnson
This book introduces the EFT approach and helps couples understand their emotional patterns, attachment needs, and the cycles that can create disconnection.
Both books also have workbook-style resources that couples may find useful for putting the ideas into practice.
A Final Thought
Working on a relationship can be beneficial for our overall well-being. When we invest in our relationships, we are also investing in an important part of our emotional and social health.
Couples therapy is not about creating a perfect relationship. Every couple experiences conflict, misunderstanding, and periods of disconnection. The goal is to develop greater awareness of the patterns that emerge between partners and learn how to repair, reconnect, and respond differently.
Sometimes the most meaningful change begins with something simple: slowing down enough to become curious about what is happening inside ourselves and our partner.
What if the conflict isn’t the enemy? What if it is an invitation to understand one another more deeply?
An Important Note About Safety
While couples counselling can be helpful for many relationship challenges, it is not appropriate for every situation. In relationships involving ongoing intimate-partner violence, coercive control, or other forms of abuse, joint couples counselling may not be a safe or suitable approach.
In these circumstances, individual support and specialized services may be more appropriate. Safety should always be the priority.
by Leah Jivan | Jul 28, 2026 | Anxiety, Communication, Curiosity, Depression, Emotional, Guidance, Health, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Reflection, Relationships, Self Care, Stress, Therapy
Have you noticed why on some days you can handle stressors with ease while on other days, similar situations leave you feeling overwhelmed? Well, if you have, you are most definitely not alone.
In this post, we’ll explore how your nervous system works and introduce the Window of Tolerance. We will also take a look at what happens when stressors push you beyond this window into a state of hyperarousal or hypoarousal.
So what is the Window of Tolerance and how does it work?
The window of tolerance refers to the optimal state in which our nervous system is able to effectively respond to stressors, challenges or uncertainties (Neff, 2023). When we are in this window, we are more likely to feel engaged, curious, grounded and calm (Neff, 2023). Our nervous system helps us adjust to our surroundings through two processes: the sympathetic nervous system which increases activation and energy, otherwise known as the “fight or flight” response and the parasympathetic nervous system which reinforces rest, otherwise known as the “rest and digest” response.
It is important to note that the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems work conjointly to respond to everyday stressors and challenges.
Dr. Megan Anna Neff shares an important metaphor of a gas and brake pedal of a car, acting as the sympathetic and parasympathetic process working together (Neff, 2023). Moreover, she notes that such fluctuations between both processes are necessary as she speaks about an activation of the sympathetic nervous system when faced with a stressor or engagement of the parasympathetic nervous system when we are going to sleep (Neff, 2023).
Now you may be asking yourself, what happens when we leave our window of tolerance?
The body goes into one of two states. In the hyperarousal state, the sympathetic nervous system predominates, and our body becomes mobilized for action (Neff, 2023). Some common signs our body is entering a hyperarousal state include panic, fear, a racing heart, heightened awareness or aggression (Neff, 2023).
In a hyperarousal state, the body needs regulation which can look like:
- Mindfulness and breathing exercises which can help regulate our nervous system and ease or reduce heightened levels of alertness by signaling a sense of safety to our body (Marks, 2022)
The other way our nervous system may respond to stress is by entering a state of hypoarousal. In this state, the body goes through decreased nervous system activity and can lead to shut down or withdrawal due to overwhelm (Neff, 2023). In this state, we may be feeling numb, disconnected, fatigued and dissociated (Neff, 2023).
In a hypoarousal state, we want to stimulate gentle activation which can be done through:
- Grounding exercises that engage the five senses (sight, hear, smell, taste and touch) (Marks, 2022)
- Temperature exposure, specifically cold temperatures by splashing ice cold water on the face which activates the sympathetic nervous system
- Physical movement can increase heart rate and therefore, increase energy levels
Tying this all back to the beginning of the post, why does it feel like we can overcome stressors with more ease and confidence on some days and not others?
Well, there’s a range of factors that can impact how narrow or wide our window of tolerance is. This can include:
- Previous traumatic events
This can even come down to everyday differences. In Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Marsha Linehan speaks on vulnerability factors which she described as the factors and history that made one vulnerable leading up an event (Linehan, 2015). I’ve listed a few factors below, but I encourage you to think about factors that are potentially impacting how you show up everyday which can be affecting the width of your window of tolerance. Here are a few to get us start thinking about vulnerability factors:
- Ongoing stress in multiple realms of our life (e.g., school, work, interpersonal relationships, career, financial situation, health, etc.)
- Life transitions (e.g., new career, relocating, taking on new roles such as parenting)
If you can take one piece away from this post, I want to remind you that it is natural for one’s nervous system to shift and change throughout the day. I encourage you to practice recognizing patterns or signs when you feel your body has moved beyond our window of tolerance into either hyperarousal or hypoarousal.
Neff (2023) suggests a practice called nervous system mapping in which we can set some time, once or twice a day to scan our body and note how we are feeling. Moreover, she notes that just paying attention to a racing heart rate or tension in our body can point towards hyperarousal or fatigue can point towards hypoarousal (Neff, 2023). Paying attention to what our body is telling us is crucial and necessary in order to engage in the skills to regulate us back to our optimal zone and effectively manage daily stressors.
Understanding your nervous system is an important step toward understanding yourself and how your body responds to stress. We are here to help you along the way. Contact Us if you’d like to speak with one of our counsellors.
References:
1 Marks, T. [Dr. Tracey Marks] (2022, May 4). Window of tolerance: what is it and how to stay in it [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VD8hhboXYTI
2 Neff, M. A. (2023, January 8). The window of tolerance: how to build emotional resilience and regulation. Neurodivergent insights. https://neurodivergentinsights.com/window-of-tolerance/?srsltid=AfmBOopUSbQ677ejHjiAB7rqVG636K66QGOyoV67ozOyqlsxWa8duLYa
3 Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
by Aina Cagigos Martin | May 8, 2026 | Anxiety, Depression, Health, Mental Health, Relationships, Therapy
Depression and anxiety can change how you experience sexual intimacy. The low mood, loss of pleasure, and fatigue that come with depression in your daily life can also affect your sex drive, and end up bleeding into the bedroom. This is not uncommon among people with depression or anxiety: a 2022 systematic review and meta-analysis of people with Major Depressive Disorder not on medication found sexual dysfunction in 83% of women and 63% of men.
Sexual difficulties don’t mean you’re broken; it just means that your body and your mind are at capacity, and that is something your therapist can help you with.
How do depression and anxiety affect sexual drive?
Depression and anxiety can both get in the way of intimacy, but they do it differently.
In depression, you might feel like things you used to enjoy don’t feel as good anymore. This is a core symptom of depression that can extend to your sexual life. That’s because depression also comes with changes to your brain and the way it’s connected. The signals between the parts of your brain that handle desire, pleasure, and arousal can get disrupted. What’s more, depression can involve fatigue, changes in your sleep and appetite and sometimes a negative view of yourself, which can also affect intimacy.
Anxiety on the other hand activates your nervous system, your fight or flight mode, and gets your adrenaline pumping to face threats. A little activation can be neutral or even helpful during sex (Bradford & Meston, 2006), but elevated or chronic anxiety keeps your body locked in that state, which is the opposite of the relaxed state needed for arousal.
You might also feel like you can’t focus during sex, like your brain is everywhere. That’s because anxiety comes with worries, and a worried mind can’t stay present with sensations. Your attention might be pulled in many directions, such as self-monitoring, performance, thoughts about body image, or even finances and health. Your brain is too busy to stop and focus on intimacy, and everyday anxiety often morphs into anxiety about how things are going during sex itself.
Finally, antidepressant medication such as SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) and SNRIs (Selective Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors) can cause sexual side effects in 58-73% of people taking them. This further complicates the situation: is it the depression, anxiety, the medication or all of it? That would be the kind of question to bring up with your prescriber or therapist.
Should sexual health be part of my therapy?
Mental health difficulties and sexual difficulties affect each other. If you’re depressed, you may be more likely to develop sexual difficulties. And if you have sexual difficulties, you may be more likely to develop depression.
Even so, not all therapists routinely ask about sexual functioning. Many wait to be sure the client wants to talk about it, while clients often wait for the therapist to bring it up, creating an accidental mutual avoidance. But sexual well-being genuinely matters. The research shows that sexual quality of life is linked to overall quality of life and relationship satisfaction. And when it isn’t addressed, it can worsen the very thing you came to therapy for.
How do I bring it up in therapy?
Bringing this up can be hard, especially if it isn’t something you’ve talked about before. But a few things can make it easier:
- Naming the awkwardness is allowed. You can name how you feel about bringing up a topic, be it awkwardness, stress, shame, or guilt. Something as simple as “I’m not sure how to talk about this” is a good way in.
- Naming it once is the hard part. Once you’ve said it out loud once, the topic is in the room, and it gets easier from there.
- Being specific helps. Telling your therapist that something’s off with your sex drive is a good start but they may need more information. The better your therapist knows your problem, the better they can help. That might mean naming what’s changed, when it started, or whether it lined up with starting medication.
- Referral isn’t a rejection. If your therapist thinks this topic would be better handled by someone with specific training in sexual health, that’s not a rejection but a commitment to getting you the right care.
Therapy is your space to bring up anything you feel you need to work on. Talking about sexual difficulties may not be common in your day-to-day life, but it is an important part of your life and is completely normal to bring up in a therapeutic setting.
Not sure where to start? Connect with us today, we’re here for you.
by Rachelle Kostelyk Pals | Mar 2, 2026 | Communication, Connection, Relationships
We often think that validating someone means we must agree with them. The good news for relationships is that this isn’t true! Validation is about acknowledging and understanding someone’s emotional experience, while agreement is about sharing the same opinion or belief. Learning the difference can be transformative and creates space for both connection and authenticity in relationships.
In counselling sessions, one of the most common relational misunderstandings sounds like this: “If I validate them, it means I’m saying they’re right.”
This belief quietly fuels defensiveness, conflict, and emotional distance. But the truth is that validation is not the same as agreement. Understanding that difference can dramatically change your relationships — with your partner, your child, your friend, and even yourself.
What Is Validation?
Validation means acknowledging and accepting that someone’s internal experience makes sense from their perspective.
It sounds like:
- “I can see why you’d feel that way.”
- “That must have been really frustrating.”
- “It makes sense that you’re hurt.”
Nowhere are you saying, “You’re right.” Instead, you’re acknowledging, “Your feelings make sense.”
What Is Agreement?
Agreement is endorsing someone’s position, belief, or interpretation. It’s sharing ideological alignment.
It sounds like:
- “Yes, you’re right.”
- “I think they were totally wrong.”
- “I agree with your perspective.”
Why People Confuse the Two
When emotions run high, and our nervous system is activated, our brains switch into protection (fight or flight) mode. If someone is upset with us, we often assume:
- “If I validate them, I’m admitting guilt.”
- “If I validate them, I lose.”
- “If I validate them, my side doesn’t matter.”
However, validation doesn’t erase your experience. It simply acknowledges theirs. In fact, refusing to validate often escalates conflict — not because you disagree, but because the other person feels unseen.
Why Validation Changes Relationships
Neurologically, when someone feels heard and understood, their nervous system settles. Defensiveness lowers. Problem-solving becomes possible.
Without validation:
- The conversation stays stuck.
- Both people repeat themselves.
- Emotions intensify.
With validation:
- Emotional intensity decreases.
- People soften.
- Connection increases.
Validation creates safety — and safety is the foundation of healthy relationships.
A Real-Life Example
Imagine your partner says, “you never listen to me”.
You don’t agree — you feel like you do listen.
A defensive response: “that’s not true, I listen all the time”.
A validating response: “It sounds like you’ve been feeling unheard lately”.
You’re not agreeing that you never listen. You’re acknowledging their emotional experience.
That small shift can completely change the tone of the interaction.
Validation in Parenting
If a child says, “that’s not fair!”, you don’t have to agree that their situation is, in fact, unfair to choose to validate them. You can say, “It feels unfair to you right now, and I get that”.”
Contrary to what we might believe, children who feel validated learn emotional regulation. Children who feel dismissed learn to escalate emotionally, to amplify their voice to be heard and understood. It makes sense.
Validation and Boundaries Can Coexist
An important reminder is that validation does not mean tolerating harmful behaviour. You can say, “I understand that you’re angry. It makes sense. And I’m not okay with being yelled at.”
That’s validation, plus a boundary and strong relationships require both.
The Most Overlooked Place We Need Validation is From Ourselves
It’s easy invalidate our own emotions:
- “I shouldn’t feel this way.”
- “I’m overreacting.”
- “It’s not a big deal.”
Self-validation sounds like:
- “Of course this is hard.”
- “It makes sense that I’m feeling overwhelmed.”
- “Anyone in this situation might feel this way.”
Self-validation reduces shame — and shame creates a barrier to emotional health.
The Takeaway
Validation says, “Your feelings make sense”. Agreement says, “Your conclusion about this situation is correct and I agree with how you see it”. You can validate without agreeing. You can validate and still hold your perspective. You can validate and maintain boundaries. And when you do, relationships shift from power struggles to understanding, connection, and trust.
In counselling, we often see that people don’t need to win an argument — they need to feel seen. Learning the difference between validation and agreement may be one of the simplest — and most powerful — relational skills you can practice.
Need help with practicing this your relationship? We’re here to help. Connect with us today.
by Fiona Scott | Dec 16, 2024 | Anxiety, burnout, Creativity, Guidance, holiday, Mental Health, Positive, Relationships, rest, Seasonal, Self Care, Stress, Tips
Where did all this holiday stress come from?
Diwali and Thanksgiving are over. Hannukah, Christmas and Solstice are rapidly approaching. Eid is still a little way off. But whatever and however you do, or don’t, celebrate, it’s impossible to miss ‘The Holiday Season’. It’s everywhere. It’s on every social media outlet, tv station, radio station … and it’s exhausting.
Don’t get me wrong – I love me some cheesy music, lots of pretty lights and the excitement of an approaching ‘event’. But even though this year we don’t have children to deal with (ours have grown), major family commitments, or a lot of enforced socializing, I still find myself automatically going into that continuous, low-grade panic state. You know, that constant pressure to get it all done, have my home in a state of decoration that I’d never consider necessary during the year, become an instant gourmet cook, be able to source the perfect locally-made and sold goods (affordably) for people I don’t know that well … and on, and on, and on.
This isn’t meant to be a downer. I’m just wondering, in the middle of this apparent marathon which is December, to take a detour from the prescribed racecourse? Here are some suggestions – and please, this is NOT supposed to be a ‘more things to check off the list’ set of tasks. Just a few thoughts about making some meaning at a time that’s meant to be meaningful, but often leads to sadness, stress, mental load and overwhelm.
Make a New Tradition
We all love our traditions, don’t we? Well … do we? I spent years making my family come to pick out and cut down a real Christmas tree – my favourite family tradition – until I realized that everyone except me hated it, and once I knew that, I couldn’t really enjoy it anymore. So, that’s no longer on the list.
So, how about making a new tradition? Or tweaking an old one? Would the big family get-together work better on Christmas Eve, or Boxing Day? Could an annual snowfight become a new tradition in your family? Or a holiday scavenger hunt?
What would it look like to do the usual things, but in a way that didn’t load on hany big expectations? Could making cookies with the family HAVE to be from absolute scratch with hand-piped designs, or could you buy the ready-made dough with the baked-in designs and let the kids do it themselves (with predictable but fun results)?
Play Dysfunctional Family Bingo
How I wish I could take credit for this, but it goes to the author Martha Beck. If you HAVE to attend a family celebration and you’re dreading it (for whatever reason), find one or more fellow attendees who are likely feeling the same as you (whether it’s your partner, a cousin, whatever) and make up a bingo card of all the things you’re worried might happen. Auntie Dolly will have one too many and start singing embarrassing rugby songs. Grandpa will say something insensitive about minorities. Uncle Dave will bring up politics and start an argument. One of the kids will sneak chocolate and get it all over Cousin Sally’s white sofa. You get the drill! That way, when the feared worse DOES happen, then you can sneak a look at your co-conspirators and it will become funny, rather than awful. Trust me, it works!
Have Breakfast for Dinner
At some point during the holidays, have breakfast for dinner – whether it’s a huge fried hot meal, or cold cereal. Pair it with hot chocolate or hot apple cider, and make it a fun occasion. Don’t worry – just for once – about making sure the kids have 3 vegetables, or whether they’ll get crazy on the sugar. Just let everyone choose what will make them happy, and release all expectations for just one night.
You could tweak this to be a hot dog night, or anything else that everyone else will enjoy – the point is to take the pressure off everyone for a day, be a bit silly, and take a moment to relax your expectations.
For Goodness’ Sake, Get Out!
Isn’t it interesting that we have this perception that we should spend 24/7 with our loved ones at this time? If you don’t play ‘happy families’ at other times, then why do you think that you should be able to do that at a time the stress is already high? Find reasons to get out, whether it’s walking the dog, offering to be the one to pop out to the store to get extra stuffing or being the one to drive someone home after they’ve had a few drinks (buying you the solo drive back home).
The point of this is to manufacture little breaks in your time where you can put on some music/podcast, or just listen to the peace and quiet outside, take a few breaths, allow some stillness to creep into your mind and realize that life will go back to normal soon.
Try to Manage Expectations
You may have a very strong opinion on how things should go during the holidays. However, try thinking of things from others’ perspectives – maybe the twins’ parents need to leave early because right now it’s taking 3 hours to get them both to sleep. Maybe Uncle Bert refuses to attend a family dinner because he is scared to drive home at night but doesn’t want anyone to know. We don’t always know why people behave the way that they do, but if we can try to ‘assume best intentions’ – that they have their reasons and it probably doesn’t have anything to do with you – then it’s a lot easier to enjoy whatever energy people bring at this time of year, and return your best to them, also.
Support for Holiday Stress: Navigating the Season with Ease
If you’re finding the holiday season especially overwhelming this year, you’re not alone. The pressure to meet expectations, balance family dynamics, and maintain a sense of peace can take a toll on your mental well-being. Alongside You is here to support you during this challenging time. Whether you’re struggling with anxiety, stress, or simply need someone to talk to, our team of compassionate professionals is ready to help. Don’t face the holiday season alone — contact us today to explore how we can help you navigate this time with greater ease and peace of mind.
Whatever your holidays do, or don’t, look like – happy holidays, and I hope you find some peace this year.
by Marcia Moitoso | Nov 23, 2021 | Connection, Counselling, Love, Mental Health, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Relationship, Relationships, Safety, Therapy, Trauma, Trauma sensitive
This article talks about some skills and strategies to heal the traumatized part of your brain and move toward the intimacy you deserve. If you missed the last article about the ways that sexual abuse/assault impacts intimacy and sexuality, I’d recommend going back and reading that article before beginning this one.
Remedies
Every nervous system is a little different. What works for one person may not work for another. There are many options for healing trauma and developing a healthy intimate and sex life, so I encourage you to choose options that resonate best with you.
Shift Ideas about Sex
A good place to start might be with the ideas you and your partner(s) hold about sex. Often survivors of sexual assault hold negative beliefs about sex. These beliefs result from parts of our brains confusing sexual assault (violence) with sex (consent, pleasure, equality). The two are not the same, and we need to rewire our brains to reflect this. I recommend having a look at Wendy Maltz’s comparisons chart here https://healthysex.com/healthy-sexuality/part-one-understanding/comparisons-chart/. This will help explain the difference between ideas about sex that come from experiences of abuse, versus healthy ideas about sex.
You can continue to develop a healthy sexual mindset by avoiding media that portrays sexual assault or sex as abuse or talking about sexual attitudes with friends or with a therapist. You can also educate yourself about sexuality and healing through books and workshops. One book I strongly recommend is Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski.
Communication with Partners
This may be the most important recommendation in this article. You cannot have consensual sex without communicating about it. That’s true for anyone, whether they’re an assault survivor or not. Sex remains a taboo subject in our culture, even though sex is very normal and most people have some form of sex at some point in their lives. When things are taboo and not widely talked about and understood, people develop feelings of shame about the taboo subject. Shame lurks in the darkness. This feeling of shame or embarrassment or even just awkwardness keeps many people from talking about sex with their partners despite engaging in sex.
-
Consent is dynamic: It can be given and withdrawn at any time
All people, and especially survivors of assault/abuse need to be able to give and withdraw consent AT ANY TIME during a sexual or intimate act. Many survivors will experience flashbacks or triggers at various times through physical or sexual activities. Because they don’t feel safe to tell their partner to stop (often out of fear for making them feel bad), they will instead dissociate and push through the sexual experience. When you do this, you are telling your brain and body that what you feel doesn’t matter and that the other person’s pleasure or comfort is more important.
While it may feel frustrating to have to stop mid-sex or mid-kiss or mid-hug because something has triggered you, listening to your body will actually help the healing process go much faster. Each time you override what your brain and body needs, the trauma gets reinforced and the triggers continue to come back. Slower is faster when healing from trauma. This is something partners need to understand. If a survivor is saying no, it’s because they trust you enough to say no, not because they’re not attracted to you. Every “no” is sexy because it’s getting you closer to an enthusiastic, consensual “yes”
-
Understand and Communicate your preferences
In addition to understanding and respecting the need to withdraw consent at any time, it’s important to talk about sexual preferences. What feels good, what feels neutral and what doesn’t feel good. Communicate when something felt uncomfortable and explore together to find what does feel comfortable. When sex is approached with curiosity and exploration rather than rigidness and shame, it becomes increasingly safe and pleasurable for both parties.
-
The need to take a break
Sometimes survivors of sexual abuse and assault may need to take a prolonged break from sexual activity. This can happen when the individual is in a relationship or not. The break allows space to focus on healing and figuring out what feels good and what doesn’t without worrying about the anxiety of managing their partner’s advances. When you are ready to engage in sexual activity again, do so when you want it, not when you believe you “should.” You have a right to be an active participant in your own sex life. Communicate your likes and dislikes and give yourself permission to say no at any time.
How to Manage Triggers and Flashbacks
As mentioned above, some survivors will experience triggers or flashbacks during physical touch or sexual activity. Flashbacks and triggers are often thought of as images of the traumatic experience. But they can also be experienced as unpleasant sensations, or a lack of sensation, an experience of disconnection, or an experience of overwhelm. When this happens it’s important to stop whatever is triggering the flashback, i.e. stopping the sexual activity or the physical touch. When you have a flashback, a part of your brain thinks it is in the past when the trauma happened, You need to remind that part of your brain that you are in the present moment and that the danger has passed. Another word for this is “grounding.”
Grounding Strategies/Orienting back to the present moment
- 5,4,3,2,1
- Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste
- Deep breaths
- Breathe in for 4, hold for 7, out for 8 (or any variation of that where you breathe out longer than you breathe in
- Box breaths: in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4 (repeat 4 times)
- Stand up and move your body – get the adrenaline out
- Run on the spot, go for a walk, jumping jacks
- Watch youtube video that makes you laugh (laughter is grounding)
- Play a categories game
- Say the alphabet backwards
- Show these strategies to your partner and do them together
Once you’ve successfully grounded (and give yourself as much time as your nervous system needs for this, remember slower is faster), take some time to rest and find comforts. Your nervous system has just gone through a lot. It can also be good to think about what triggered you and to discuss with you partner how to change that in the future. You may want the help of a counsellor to determine this.
Counselling
Trauma counselling can really help you to overcome the impacts the trauma has on your life. You may also want to incorporate some couples counselling to help improve communication so that the two of you can work as a team on this.
There are 3 types of trauma counselling that can be beneficial. You may benefit from a mix of all three.
-
Top-Down counselling:
This type of counselling helps you to change the thought patterns and behavioural habits that have formed as a result of the trauma. You will learn to notice the emotions and to change the behaviours and thoughts that tend to come as a result of the emotions. Some examples of this include CBT and DBT.
-
Bottom-Up Counselling:
Emotions and survival responses are physiological. You may notice a tightness in your chest when you feel anxious, a lump in your throat when you feel sad, a pit in your stomach when you feel embarrassed, or any variety of physical manifestations of emotions. When we feel an emotion our bodies are automatically mobilized to do something with it. For example, if you see a grizzly bear, your body might instinctively run or freeze or even try to fight it. You don’t even have to think about it, your brain does it automatically! Your body also knows how to heal from the trauma, but often circumstances prevent us from being able to allow our bodies to do what they need to do. Bottom-up counselling approaches such as EMDR, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, or Somatic Experiencing can help you to process the trauma by mindfully allowing your body and brain to do what it needs to do to heal. This will also greatly improve your relationship to your body
-
Mindfulness Counselling or Practices
Through mindfulness practices you can train your nervous system (brain and body) to become fully present. You learn to notice when triggers are happening while keeping a foot in the present-moment so that you don’t become overwhelmed. With mindfulness you can learn to allow emotions to come and go naturally without being swept away. If you’d like to start mindfulness on your own I’d recommend starting with short 2 minute practices and slowly working your way up. Examples of mindfulness-based counselling include Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy and Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction.
I hope these tidbits can help you get started, or to continue on your healing journey. You deserve a healthy intimate life that includes boundaries, consent, pleasure and joy. Slower is faster; trauma takes time to work through, but it is very treatable, and you don’t have to do it alone.
Sources
Maltz, Wendy (2021). Healthy Sex: Promoting Healthy, Loving Sex and Intimacy. https://healthysex.com/
Nagoski, Emily (2015). Come as you Are: The Surprising New Science that will Transform your Sex Life. Simon & Schuster Inc: New York.
University of Alberta Sexual Assault Center (2019). Sexual intimacy after sexual assault or sexual abuse. https://www.ualberta.ca/media-library/ualberta/current-students/sexual-assault-centre/pdf-resources-and-handouts/intimacy-after-sexual-assault-2019.pdf
