by Fiona Scott | Sep 6, 2024 | ADHD, Anxiety, Autism, Children, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Teens, Tips
So, it’s that time of year again… time to gather up your mental strength and prepare to dive back into another school year. However, for those of us with kids under the neurodivergent umbrella, it can be an additional challenge, or even a cause for dread.
Will the teacher ‘get’ your kid?
Should you go in giving them a whole lot of information about your kiddo, or will that start things off on the wrong foot?
How long until the IEP gets updated, and will it even be useful?
Is your kiddo going to throw a fit because this is the year the classroom stops using pencil crayons or they’re expected to learn square dancing in PE?
Support Your Neurodivergent Kid by Supporting Youself
Breathe. I mean it, BREATHE. There are lots of things that you can do to prepare for the new school year, and there are a whole lot of things that you can’t prepare for, and that tends to be where the panic sets in. And I get it – I used to take every ‘first day of school’ off work because I was so anxious about my neurodivergent kiddos that there was no chance of getting any useful work done. I want you to know, though, that this is just one moment in a whole lifetime for your kiddo. It may have huge significance for you, but they may not even remember it in 10 years’ time. So, let’s take a deep breath and adjust our perspective.
There are two issues in parenting a school-aged kiddo who is neurodivergent. One is helping the kid deal with all the challenges they encounter, which may be more complicated than for their more neurotypical peers. The second issue is dealing with your own feelings about your child’s challenges. It can be really hard seeing them struggle with friendships, or be down on themselves because they don’t understand the teacher when they’re explaining math. Our parental spidey senses are constantly on alert trying to anticipate, and avoid, potential problems. So, a lot of our energy is going to be on managing ourselves, and being that calm presence that our kids can rely on as a safe place.
There are a whole lot of things that you can do to help your children with the practical, emotional and social aspects of transitioning to a new school year. For example, along with my colleague Ruth Germo, we have a webinar on transitions to high school. There are a host of good resources out there on the internet, too. And these are the things that parents can keep themselves very busy with at this time of year.
However, this year, I’m going to challenge you (because you definitely don’t have enough on your plates already!) to take a moment a couple of times a day to:
- Stop
- Breathe
- Check in with yourself
- Feel your feelings
- Acknowledge the tough emotions
- Give yourself a little love and grace
- Recognize that ‘this too shall pass’
- Refocus on the long-term goals/plans
- One more nice deep breath, and …
- Back to it, big smile (you know the one)
Neurodivergent Kids Need Us.
In my humble opinion, one of the most underrated predictors of childhood success in schools is parents. Not because we read to them every night, or make them do their homework, drive them to endless stuff or advocate for them (although that’s all extremely important, too). It’s because we’re the safe space they come home to, and launch from. We’re there to commiserate and comfort them on the tough stuff, celebrate with them on the wins, you know, the ones that nobody else will ‘get’, remember their preferences and needs so that they always have the ‘right’ socks or remember to charge their headphones.
We’re their foundation. And if we don’t give ourselves the bare minimum of consideration and care, we won’t be as able to be that safe space for them. I know, truly, I know, they come first. All I’m asking is that you don’t always put yourself last.
If you find that you’re struggling with this, or any aspect of parenting your special needs children, consider reaching out for help. There are people who have lived experience and education who can understand and who won’t judge you for the fact that your kid has eaten white bread with marshmallow spread every day for the last 6 years because that’s all they’ll eat. We’ve been where you are. And we not only survived it, we can let you know that it is all worth it.
by Fiona Scott | Jul 26, 2024 | ADHD, Autism, Communication, Connection, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Tips
So, you have a friend who tells you they are ‘neurodivergent’. This might mean that they have autism, ADHD, Down’s syndrome, synaesthesia, Tourette’s syndrome… or a number of other conditions. Basically, it just means that their brains work a little differently than what is considered ‘typical’. This can mean that they are incredibly smart, creative and sensitive – but it can also mean that they may struggle with certain aspects of daily life. If you’re reading this blog post so that you can learn how to best support them and be their friend, read on!
What Should I Know About Neurodivergence?
It’s hard to describe the way in which sensory input can be overwhelming to people with neurodivergence. Not only can it make it even harder for the brain to process information through all the sensory “noise”, it can be really difficult to tolerate, to the point of being painful. You can help your friends by understanding what they need in order to deal with tough situations. For example, if you know that your friend is sensitive to noise, make sure they have their noise-cancelling headphones with them – make room in your bag if need be! Realize that even if they are doing something they love, they may need to take a break, go outside or to a quieter corner, chill out or regroup. You can always ask them what they need! If you’re going somewhere you know will be challenging, have a plan for if things get too much.
Don’t rely on your neurodivergent friend remembering something you told them, like what needs to be done before the party next week, or the deadline for the next academic paper. Especially if they are currently doing something else, stressed out, or coping with a lot of external sensory stimulation, they may converse with you and seem engaged, but may not be able to turn that input into longer-term memory. Ask your friend what works best to help them remember – is texting or emailing better? Do they want you to bug them until they put it into their Google calendars? They know what works for them best.
How Can I Be Supportive?
A lot of neurodivergent people rely on plans to help them to prepare for situations that might become overwhelming. So when plans change without warning, they can become really stressed out. As much as possible, try to stick to the plan and, if something happens to derail it, be prepared to do whatever will help, whether that’s getting a favourite “comfort” coffee drink, finding ways to make it easier, or even abandoning plans to try again another day. Again, don’t be afraid to ask the person what they need.
Neurodivergent people often feel really guilty about having to have people make extra effort for them. If you do have to go out of your way, do things differently from what you’re used to, or even abandon a planned outing, try not to make them feel bad. That doesn’t mean ignoring your own feelings – just try not to let your frustrations show too much. Guaranteed, they are even more frustrated than you are!
It’s wonderful to give choices, but when neurodivergent people get overwhelmed, sometimes it’s too much to have to make a decision. You can ask, “do you need me to make a decision for you?”, or maybe offer a choice of two options, rather than six. Obviously, this applies to questions like which takeout to choose … not which school to attend or career to pursue! Decision fatigue is also a real issue, which is why activities like grocery shopping can be really tough (as well as the overwhelming sensory stimuli). Sometimes, just being with your friend (known as body doubling) can help them to feel grounded enough to make progress themselves.
Learn More About Allyship
If you are interested in learning more about neurodivergence or how to better support your loved ones, please contact our Client Care Team to connect with an experienced clinician.
by Rebecca Farnell | Apr 25, 2019 | Autism
15 years ago, I had an opportunity to work at a summer camp for children with special needs. I was scared. I was nervous. I did not know what to expect. The result was a life changing 2 months that has completely changed the trajectory of my career path and ultimately my life. I sometimes like my experience to that of the Grinch in that I too felt my heart grow 3 sizes that summer.
Since then, I have been a support worker helping individuals with diverse abilities in their homes and the community. I worked as an Educational Assistant in the school system, helped co-lead a summer camp for teens with Autism, worked as a social skills worker, coordinator for a pre-employment skills program for young adults with Autism and finally, I am a Registered Clinical Counsellor. I specialize in working with individuals with Autism and their families. This has been a long journey, but such a rewarding one.
Last year, I was chosen to give a presentation to fellow professionals. I had one and a half hours to fill. I wanted to speak about something I was passionate about. Easily, I narrowed my focus down to Autism, however, I did not want to speak of facts and figures, I wanted to concentrate on the individual. From this idea, the title “What I really wish you knew” was borne. I interviewed 5 individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and asked them a series of questions with the intention of hearing what they really wish the world knew about them. I used my place of privilege to let their voices be heard. It was an incredibly powerful and humbling experience for me.
My hope for this article is to highlight the information I was given, and share it with a wider audience. Before I delve in, I would like to once again thank the individuals for sharing their stories and experiences with me. Without their bravery and voice, I would not have anything to share. I would also like to acknowledge that ASD is a spectrum and there are varying and different experiences; these are merely the experiences of the individuals I interviewed.
Language Matters
The first thing I would like to address is that of language, often there is some discomfort when trying to know how to address a person on the Autism spectrum. I acknowledged this right away with each of the individuals I spoke with and ask them for their preference. The answers were as varied as the individuals:
- Person First language, the person before the diagnosis
- ______________ has Autism
- I don’t love being called Autistic
- Neurotypical refers to someone without ASD
- “ ‘Neuro Diverse’ drives me batty. If I am different from you and you are different than me, then why are we not both referred to as ‘neurodiverse’ “?
- I refer to myself as an ‘Aspie’
- I am a person with Asperger’s, but I don’t introduce myself to others as someone with Asperger’s right away.
- Being on the spectrum, a person on the spectrum
How Do You Define Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)?
My first question was to ask each individual, “What ASD means to them?” Their responses highlighted the unique perspective of each person:
Complicated
“It is hard to describe, cause I never thought about it, it is something I have to live with.”
Sense of pride
“Autism means ‘just being you.’ I am unique in my own right. We have gifts as well.”
Sense of indifference
“Honestly, it doesn’t mean anything to me. It is a scientific title given to a different way of thinking that helps people who don’t think that way understand it. I have no personal attachment to it. It is thing that exists and I have it.”
A different way of thinking
“I think differently and have a different perspective on life; when people have a problem, they don’t see a different solution. When I look at that problem, I can see a different solution.”
Still more to learn
“I don’t think that anyone has a good idea of what ASD really is; I don’t think any of us really know enough.”
I asked one of the individuals about having a label as someone on the Autism spectrum. They replied, “Labels are not necessarily there to hurt, labels are there to help and let others know what they are dealing with. If you walked into a store and saw a jar of peanut butter without a label on it without ever seeing a jar of peanut butter, you would be like, ‘Ewww, what is that gross brown stuff?’ But, if you walk into a store and see a jar of peanut butter with a label on it, you will know what you are getting; you will think, ‘Oh butter with peanuts in it…I think I will try it.’ Labels help you know how to help the other person.”
How Do You See Yourself As An Individual With ASD?
Keeping in mind the label of ASD and what ASD means to the individuals, I asked, “How do you view yourself?”
As a person
“I view myself as an ordinary person, to be honest sometimes I am paranoid, but mostly I am a normal person.”
“I view myself as an individual. I am a young person with ASD, without it, I would think differently, but I don’t know how it would affect me. It influences me, it doesn’t define who I am. It affects the way I interact with others.”
Advocate
“I am speaking on behalf of others and making this world a more inclusive and diverse society. I want to take out the word ‘normal’ and use ‘diverse.’”
The Challenges of Living With Autism
Changing direction, I asked the individuals, “What are some of the challenges of living with ASD?”
The list was long and varied:
- Communication and the complexities of text
- Not understanding boundaries in friendships (Ex. How much can I call/text you)
- Focusing on things too much
- Getting stressed too much
- Not being able to sleep
- Experiencing sensory overload
- Social isolation
- Perseverating on what I did that was “socially awkward”
- Social barriers at work, interacting with co-workers, feeling left out and not part of the team
- “Anxiety gets in the way, it prevents me from leaving the house.”
Alternately, I then asked, “What are some of the strengths of living with ASD?”
Again, the list was long and diverse.
- Critical thinker
- Observant, I notice things around me
- Good at logic
- Following the rules
- Being a voice for others with ASD
- Attention to detail
- Loyal
- Dedicated
- Punctual
- Humour
One individual poignantly expressed: “I don’t think I have strengths solely because of my Autism, my strengths come from me as a person and how I was raised in an open-minded and accepting environment from my mom. I have always been taught to trust in instincts and think for myself.”
Advice for Parents of Children with ASD
These individuals are experts of their own experience and have much wisdom to share. I was curious to know what advice they had for parents who are currently raising children with ASD. Their answers were filled with humour and knowledge.
Cultivate acceptance
“The most important thing is to cultivate an environment where the children do not have to feel ashamed of themselves, and something they cannot control.”
Foster individuality
“Don’t try to push your point of view on them, let them think for themselves. It is useful to let things take their course, and for the child to figure things out for themselves and form their own opinions.”
Buddy System
Implement this for the first 18 years of your child’s life. Have a buddy to walk with you who is a few years ahead and can help teach and guide.
Don’t worry about eye contact so much
“Lack of eye contact is not the end of the world. They understand what you are saying and are paying attention even if they are not looking at you. For me, eye contact seems forced, it feels uncomfortable and not normal. I give eye contact depending on the conversation and how vulnerable I have to be. Often I am looking past your head or at your hat, not directly looking at your eyes.”
Get support!
Parents need a team; they need networking and connections. “Remember to choose your battles with ASD, geeze, you are going to have a lot of battles.”
Use technology as a tool
Technology can be used for communication and for connection
How to Connect with Individuals with ASD
As a counsellor, I was curious to learn how I could become a better counsellor for individuals with ASD. However, I believe that the answers are applicable to a wider audience as well. I was both humbled and motivated by the responses.
Be genuine
“Be as genuine as you can be: people with ASD can tell when you are lying.”
“Make it clear you want to help and that you care, just because you cannot see my feelings, doesn’t mean you cannot hurt them.”
Be patient
“Don’t assume you know what I need. Give me wait time to formulate on my own. I have more brain cells than you do, give me time. You cannot expect to see progress every day.”
Don’t try to ‘match make’ friendships!
“We don’t necessarily want to meet others with ASD, they can be annoying. We don’t necessarily want another special needs friend, because sometimes people with special needs don’t have the same special needs as you and you don’t always get challenged.”
Try using ‘invitational’ questions:
- What would it be like if…?
- Imagine if…?
- What do you think would happen if…?
Trust must be earned!
“I have a lack of desire to express my emotions due to fear of being judged. With ASD, trust is earned, it is difficult to earn and easy to lose. We think differently, we don’t automatically think of family and friends to be trustworthy. You need to prove that you can be trustworthy.”
How To Advocate For Individuals On the Autism Spectrum
Not only did I want to focus on helping professionals, but I also wanted to hear how everyone can become better advocates for individuals with ASD. The answers spoke of inclusion, acceptance and belonging.
Cultivate acceptance
“Don’t use ASD as an insult…Don’t think less of us because we have Autism. Teach kids with ASD to accept themselves, and teach kids without ASD to accept everyone.”
“Stigma is damaging!”
It is about relationship and connection
“Talk to us, not about us, just like everyone else. Talk to our family and friends.”
“Any success is about relationship. Rapport is key. Getting to know someone and building that trust over time. We can best be reached through our interests.”
“Ask the individuals themselves how they want to be advocated for. We each have a personal preference of how we want to be advocated for.”
Remember each person’s uniqueness
“No 2 people with ASD are the same. Everyone without ASD is not the same, so too are people with ASD not the same.”
Listen
“Take time to listen to them because they have so much insight even though they think differently than you.”
What They Really Wish You Knew
Lastly, I posed the question that was the title for my presentation: “What I really wish you knew.” The final words were theirs, and their answers showed the humanity we all share.
I am paying attention
“Sometimes it seems like people with ASD are not paying attention, not looking at you, but believe me, they are! We are listening to everything! If every spy in the world had ASD, that would be pretty dangerous!”
I want real friendship
“I wish I was told in school that there are differences between friends and acquaintances. When a relationship is forced, they are acquaintances but if it is genuine, then it is a friendship.”
I am doing the best that I can
“Autism is not an excuse for poor behaviour. We can’t hold ourselves to the standard of ‘normal’ people, but we can hold ourselves to the same moral standard. We can’t use ASD as a crutch. We need to take responsibility for your actions.”
Conclusion
Again, I want to thank the individuals for sharing their voices and experiences with me. It is my hope that their words help foster change, acceptance, and inclusion for everyone. It is my desire that we continue to celebrate diversity and acknowledge the ways that everyone is unique and has the right to love and belonging.
It is my desire to be able to walk alongside individuals, couples, families, and supports of individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) as they go through life in the various stages. If you’re impacted by ASD, I’d love to spend some time with you walking your journey. You have so much to offer, and I’d be honoured to be a part of it.
