by Tracy Mortensen | Sep 22, 2026 | ADHD, Anxiety, Children, Communication, Connection, Counselling, Education, Emotional, emotional regulation, Encouragement, Family, Forgive, Forgiveness, Guidance, Health, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Motivation, Parenting, Reflection, Resources, Safety, Self Confidence, Stress, Teens, Therapy, Tips |
When a child is struggling with big emotions, it can be tempting to immediately reach for a strategy.
“Take a deep breath.”, “Count to 10.”, “Go somewhere quiet.”, “Use your coping skills.”
These strategies can be helpful, but there is an important step that comes before them: Awareness
Before children can effectively use strategies to manage their emotions, they first need to begin understanding what they are feeling, what is happening in their body, what may have triggered the emotion, and what they need.
Think of it as: Awareness → Understanding → Strategy → Regulation
If we skip the awareness piece, we can end up asking children to use strategies without really understanding why they need them or when to use them.
The good news? Parents don’t need to have all the answers. Everyday moments can become opportunities for children to learn about their emotions. And parents don’t have to figure it all out on their own. Counselling can provide an opportunity for parents, children, and counsellors to work together as a team building understanding, discovering what works best for each child, and developing emotional skills that can be practised both in counselling and at home.
What Is Emotional Awareness?
Emotional awareness is the ability to notice and understand our emotions.
For children, this can include learning to:
- Recognize different emotions
• Put words to how they are feeling
• Notice how emotions show up in their bodies
• Understand what may have triggered a feeling
• Recognize that more than one emotion can happen at the same time
• Understand that emotions change
• Communicate what they need
For example, a child might initially say:
“I’m mad!”
With support, they may eventually recognize:
“I’m frustrated because I couldn’t do it, and now I’m embarrassed.”
That is emotional awareness in action.
How Can Parents Help Build Emotional Awareness?
Start With Noticing
Children don’t always have the words to tell us what they are feeling. Sometimes their behaviour communicates it first.
Instead of immediately trying to fix the behaviour, pause and become curious about what might be happening underneath it.
You might say
“You seem really frustrated. I wonder what happened.”
“You seem a little quiet today. I wonder if something is worrying you.”
The goal isn’t to guess exactly what your child is feeling. It’s to help them slow down and start noticing what might be happening emotionally. Behaviour can be a clue to an emotion.
Help Children Put Words to Their Feelings
Children often start with a few basic emotion words: happy, sad, mad, and scared. Over time, parents can help expand their emotional vocabulary. For example, instead of only using “mad,” children might learn words such as frustrated, annoyed, disappointed, or overwhelmed.
Instead of only using “scared,” they might learn to recognize worried, nervous, uncertain, or overwhelmed. You don’t have to quiz your child about their emotions. Simply offering different words gives them opportunities to explore what fits.
You might say:
“Do you think you’re feeling frustrated, or maybe disappointed?”
“I wonder if you’re feeling worried about what might happen.”
Children don’t have to agree with the word you suggest. The goal is to give them opportunities to explore different ways of describing their experience.
Validate the Feeling Before Trying to Solve the Problem
One of the most helpful things parents can do is acknowledge a child’s emotion before jumping into problem-solving.
Instead of: “It’s not a big deal.” Try: “I can see you’re really frustrated. That was hard.”
Instead of: “There’s nothing to worry about.” Try: “I can see you’re worried. Let’s talk about what’s making you nervous.”
Validation doesn’t mean that we agree with everything a child says or does. It simply communicates that you see the feeling and are getting curious and attempting to understand it.
This can help children become more comfortable talking about difficult emotions rather than learning that certain feelings should be hidden or avoided.
Help Children Notice Emotions in Their Bodies
Emotions aren’t just thoughts. They can also create physical sensations. Anger might show up as clenched fists, a hot face, tense muscles, or a racing heart. Anxiety might show up as a tight stomach, shaky hands, a racing heart, or wanting to avoid something.
You can also model this yourself “I’m feeling frustrated, and I notice my shoulders are tense. I’m going to take a minute.”. When parents model emotional awareness, children learn that noticing emotions is something everyone can practise, not something that only happens when a child is having a difficult time.
Remember That Emotions Are Not Good or Bad
It can be tempting to describe emotions as positive or negative. Instead, try thinking of emotions as information. Anger might tell us that something feels unfair or that a boundary has been crossed. Anxiety might tell us that something feels uncertain, unfamiliar, or important. The goal isn’t to teach children that they should never feel angry or anxious. The goal is to help them learn that they can have the feeling without it being in change of everything.
How Can Counselling Help?
Counselling can provide additional support, tools, and opportunities for children to develop emotional awareness in a way that is suited to their age and individual needs.
As I discussed in my previous blog, helping children manage big emotions isn’t just about finding the right strategy. Before children can use strategies effectively, they need to understand what is happening for them emotionally.
This is where emotional awareness becomes an important foundation.
Counselling can provide a space for children to explore their emotions, understand what they may be experiencing, and begin to recognize how emotions show up for them. Through play, art, games, activities, and conversation, children can develop a better understanding of their emotional experiences in ways that feel comfortable and meaningful to them.
Parents can also be part of this process. Counselling can provide an opportunity for parents, children, and counsellors to work together as a team building awareness, developing skills, and finding ways to support emotional development both in counselling and at home.
by Matt Hislop | Aug 25, 2026 | Anxiety, Communication, Connection, Counselling, Curiosity, Emotional, Encouragement, Family, Forgive, Forgiveness, Guidance, Health, In The Community, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Motivation, Reflection, Relationship, Relationships, Resources, Safety, Self Confidence, Stress, Therapy
Relationships matter. They give us a sense of purpose, belonging, and meaning in our lives. When our relationships are going well, they can positively influence our physiological, emotional, and social well-being. We may feel more secure, supported, seen, and heard.
When relationships become strained, however, we can experience hopelessness, feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or disconnected from one another. Couples therapy can provide an opportunity to slow things down, understand what is happening beneath the conflict, and develop new ways of connecting.
Two approaches that have significantly influenced couples therapy are Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Sue Johnson and colleagues, and the Gottman Method, developed by John and Julie Gottman. While they have different frameworks and terminology, both approaches emphasize connection, emotional responsiveness, and understanding the patterns that develop between partners.
Physiologically: Understanding Emotional Flooding
Relationship challenges can affect us physically as well as emotionally. Stress within a relationship may contribute to irritability, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, rumination, low mood, and feeling overwhelmed. When our nervous system becomes activated, it can become much harder to listen, communicate clearly, and remain connected to our partner.
The Gottmans describe one form of this intense physiological activation as emotional flooding. When someone becomes flooded, their body can enter a heightened state of arousal. Heart rate may increase, breathing can become more rapid, and it can become difficult to think clearly or remain receptive to what a partner is saying.
The Gottmans have highlighted heart rate and other physiological signs as useful indicators that someone may need a break from a difficult conversation. A heart rate around 90 beats per minute has been discussed in Gottman research as one indicator of flooding, but it is important not to treat 90 bpm as a universal clinical cutoff. People differ in their baseline heart rates and in how they experience physiological stress.
The more important skill is learning to notice when you are becoming flooded.
When this happens, it can be helpful to pause the conversation, take some time to breathe and self-soothe, and allow the nervous system to settle. Taking a break does not mean abandoning the conversation. In fact, it can be an important part of maintaining the relationship.
A helpful message might be:
“I am feeling overwhelmed right now. I care about this conversation, and I want to come back to it when I can be more present.”
This communicates both a need for space and a commitment to reconnect.
The goal is not to avoid difficult conversations. The goal is to create enough safety and regulation that both partners can remain engaged.
Emotionally: Looking Beneath the Conflict
In couples therapy, it is valuable to pay attention not only to what partners are saying but also to the emotions underneath their words and behaviours.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) places particular emphasis on helping couples identify and explore their emotional experiences and the deeper attachment needs or yearnings beneath them.
For example, a partner may say:
“You never listen to me.”
On the surface, this sounds like criticism. Beneath the criticism, however, there may be a deeper experience:
“I feel like I don’t matter to you, and I am scared that I am losing you.”
This is an important shift. Instead of focusing only on the criticism, couples can begin to explore the more vulnerable emotions and needs underneath it.
EFT often helps partners recognize emotions such as fear, sadness, shame, loneliness, and hurt. Anger can also be an important emotion in relationships. In many EFT formulations, anger can function as a secondary or protective emotion that develops in response to more vulnerable feelings such as fear, hurt, shame, or sadness. At the same time, anger can also arise directly from experiences of injustice, violation, or trauma, so it is important not to assume that every experience of anger has the same underlying emotion.
Learning to become curious about our emotions can help us understand what we are actually needing from our partner.
Instead of asking:
“Who is right?”
Couples can begin asking:
“What is happening between us?”
and
“What is each of us needing in this moment?”
This shift can create opportunities for greater empathy and emotional connection.
Socially: Looking at the Bigger Picture
Relationships do not exist in isolation. What happens in the outside world can have a significant impact on how partners relate to one another.
Work stress, parenting responsibilities, hobbies, community or service commitments, family dynamics, financial pressures, health challenges, friendships, and other life circumstances can all affect a couple’s ability to connect.
Sometimes what looks like a relationship problem is being intensified by the amount of stress each person is carrying.
Couples counselling can provide space to explore questions such as:
- What pressures are each of us experiencing outside the relationship?
- How are those pressures affecting our ability to connect?
- What support do we have from friends and family?
- Are we making enough time for our relationship?
- What activities help us experience joy and connection together?
Social support can be an important resource for couples. Healthy friendships and family relationships can provide encouragement, perspective, and opportunities for individual renewal.
It is also important for couples to make room for fun.
Relationships can easily become focused on responsibilities, conflict, finances, parenting, work, and everything that needs to get done. Spending time together doing something enjoyable can help couples remember that their relationship is more than the problems they are trying to solve.
Sometimes reconnecting starts with remembering what brought you together in the first place.
When Couples Get Caught in a Cycle
One of the central ideas in EFT is that couples can become caught in repetitive interactional cycles.
A disagreement may begin with one partner feeling disconnected and reaching out through criticism or protest. The other partner may experience this as criticism and respond by withdrawing or becoming defensive. The first partner then feels even more alone and reaches out more intensely. The second partner withdraws further.
Over time, this pattern can become familiar.
The important insight in EFT is that the cycle is the problem—not either partner.
Rather than asking, “Who started this?” couples can begin to recognize:
“This is the pattern we get caught in.”
Once couples can identify the cycle, they have an opportunity to slow it down and create a different response.
They can begin to notice:
- What happens just before the cycle starts?
- What emotions are underneath our reactions?
- What am I afraid might happen?
- What am I longing for from my partner?
- How does my response affect my partner?
- How might we respond differently next time?
Understanding the cycle can create space for new choices.
The Sound Relationship House
The Gottmans developed the Sound Relationship House, a framework for understanding and strengthening relationships.
The model takes a strengths-based approach. Rather than focusing exclusively on what is going wrong, it also asks couples to identify and build upon the things that are working.
Two particularly important pillars of the Sound Relationship House are Trust and Commitment.
Trust involves feeling that your partner is there for you, that they have your interests in mind, and that you can depend on them. Commitment involves choosing the relationship and maintaining a sense of “us,” including during difficult periods.
The Sound Relationship House also includes other relationship skills and processes that can help couples strengthen their friendship, manage conflict, support one another’s dreams, and create shared meaning.
This framework can give couples practical areas to focus on as they work toward a stronger relationship.
From Conflict to Connection
Both EFT and Gottman-informed couples therapy offer valuable ways of understanding relationship difficulties.
The Gottman approach provides couples with practical tools for strengthening friendship, managing conflict, reducing destructive patterns, and building trust and commitment.
EFT focuses strongly on emotional connection and attachment—helping partners understand the deeper emotions, fears, and longings that often drive their interactions.
Although the language and frameworks differ, both approaches encourage couples to move beyond simply trying to “win” an argument.
The deeper question becomes:
How can we understand each other and create a relationship where both partners feel safe, valued, and connected?
Recommended Reading
As a starting point, couples may find it helpful to read or listen to a relationship book together. There are many resources available, but these two are well-known, research-informed approaches to couples work and offer practical exercises as well.
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work— John Gottman
This book introduces the Gottmans’ research and provides practical strategies for strengthening friendship, managing conflict, and improving connection.
- Hold Me Tight— Sue Johnson
This book introduces the EFT approach and helps couples understand their emotional patterns, attachment needs, and the cycles that can create disconnection.
Both books also have workbook-style resources that couples may find useful for putting the ideas into practice.
A Final Thought
Working on a relationship can be beneficial for our overall well-being. When we invest in our relationships, we are also investing in an important part of our emotional and social health.
Couples therapy is not about creating a perfect relationship. Every couple experiences conflict, misunderstanding, and periods of disconnection. The goal is to develop greater awareness of the patterns that emerge between partners and learn how to repair, reconnect, and respond differently.
Sometimes the most meaningful change begins with something simple: slowing down enough to become curious about what is happening inside ourselves and our partner.
What if the conflict isn’t the enemy? What if it is an invitation to understand one another more deeply?
An Important Note About Safety
While couples counselling can be helpful for many relationship challenges, it is not appropriate for every situation. In relationships involving ongoing intimate-partner violence, coercive control, or other forms of abuse, joint couples counselling may not be a safe or suitable approach.
In these circumstances, individual support and specialized services may be more appropriate. Safety should always be the priority.
by Rachelle Kostelyk Pals | Mar 2, 2026 | Communication, Connection, Relationships
We often think that validating someone means we must agree with them. The good news for relationships is that this isn’t true! Validation is about acknowledging and understanding someone’s emotional experience, while agreement is about sharing the same opinion or belief. Learning the difference can be transformative and creates space for both connection and authenticity in relationships.
In counselling sessions, one of the most common relational misunderstandings sounds like this: “If I validate them, it means I’m saying they’re right.”
This belief quietly fuels defensiveness, conflict, and emotional distance. But the truth is that validation is not the same as agreement. Understanding that difference can dramatically change your relationships — with your partner, your child, your friend, and even yourself.
What Is Validation?
Validation means acknowledging and accepting that someone’s internal experience makes sense from their perspective.
It sounds like:
- “I can see why you’d feel that way.”
- “That must have been really frustrating.”
- “It makes sense that you’re hurt.”
Nowhere are you saying, “You’re right.” Instead, you’re acknowledging, “Your feelings make sense.”
What Is Agreement?
Agreement is endorsing someone’s position, belief, or interpretation. It’s sharing ideological alignment.
It sounds like:
- “Yes, you’re right.”
- “I think they were totally wrong.”
- “I agree with your perspective.”
Why People Confuse the Two
When emotions run high, and our nervous system is activated, our brains switch into protection (fight or flight) mode. If someone is upset with us, we often assume:
- “If I validate them, I’m admitting guilt.”
- “If I validate them, I lose.”
- “If I validate them, my side doesn’t matter.”
However, validation doesn’t erase your experience. It simply acknowledges theirs. In fact, refusing to validate often escalates conflict — not because you disagree, but because the other person feels unseen.
Why Validation Changes Relationships
Neurologically, when someone feels heard and understood, their nervous system settles. Defensiveness lowers. Problem-solving becomes possible.
Without validation:
- The conversation stays stuck.
- Both people repeat themselves.
- Emotions intensify.
With validation:
- Emotional intensity decreases.
- People soften.
- Connection increases.
Validation creates safety — and safety is the foundation of healthy relationships.
A Real-Life Example
Imagine your partner says, “you never listen to me”.
You don’t agree — you feel like you do listen.
A defensive response: “that’s not true, I listen all the time”.
A validating response: “It sounds like you’ve been feeling unheard lately”.
You’re not agreeing that you never listen. You’re acknowledging their emotional experience.
That small shift can completely change the tone of the interaction.
Validation in Parenting
If a child says, “that’s not fair!”, you don’t have to agree that their situation is, in fact, unfair to choose to validate them. You can say, “It feels unfair to you right now, and I get that”.”
Contrary to what we might believe, children who feel validated learn emotional regulation. Children who feel dismissed learn to escalate emotionally, to amplify their voice to be heard and understood. It makes sense.
Validation and Boundaries Can Coexist
An important reminder is that validation does not mean tolerating harmful behaviour. You can say, “I understand that you’re angry. It makes sense. And I’m not okay with being yelled at.”
That’s validation, plus a boundary and strong relationships require both.
The Most Overlooked Place We Need Validation is From Ourselves
It’s easy invalidate our own emotions:
- “I shouldn’t feel this way.”
- “I’m overreacting.”
- “It’s not a big deal.”
Self-validation sounds like:
- “Of course this is hard.”
- “It makes sense that I’m feeling overwhelmed.”
- “Anyone in this situation might feel this way.”
Self-validation reduces shame — and shame creates a barrier to emotional health.
The Takeaway
Validation says, “Your feelings make sense”. Agreement says, “Your conclusion about this situation is correct and I agree with how you see it”. You can validate without agreeing. You can validate and still hold your perspective. You can validate and maintain boundaries. And when you do, relationships shift from power struggles to understanding, connection, and trust.
In counselling, we often see that people don’t need to win an argument — they need to feel seen. Learning the difference between validation and agreement may be one of the simplest — and most powerful — relational skills you can practice.
Need help with practicing this your relationship? We’re here to help. Connect with us today.
by Jonathan Hers | Jun 6, 2025 | Children, Connection, Curiosity, Emotional, Parenting, Tips
Frequently screaming? Reacting big when faced with disappointments? Too afraid to step out in a social context? Says they are going to do something and then fails to do so? Struggles to play with those around them?
How do we understand impulsiveness as parents? What is happening and how do we help?
Understanding Impulsiveness in Children
Here are some insights that will:
- Help calm your anxiety as parents surrounding impulsiveness, and
- Clarify our role as parents when impulsivness arises in your child.
The fruits of nurturing childrens’ emotional development are significant: a child who is self-controlled, patient when frustrated, sensitive to moral issues, considerate, and able to move beyond black-and-white thinking.
Key Insight #1: Maturity Means Holding Mixed Emotions.
Maturity is the ability to sustain mixed emotions.
In contrast, impulsiveness is being motivated by a single emotion.
Example:
- Impulsive: “I’m angry, so I hit my sibling.”
- Mature: “I’m angry and I want to hit my sibling. AND, I care about them.”
BOTH exist and have potential to guide us in different directions. The goal is therefore to sustain both.
The ability to feel both emotions at the same time is the foundation of emotion regulation. This takes practice. And help from parents.
When does emotional maturity begin?
First things first, it is important to know that children do not have the ability to sustain conflicting thoughts or emotions before the age of 5.
Between the ages of 5-7, they gradually gain the capacity to register and sustain more than one feeling at a time. This is important to know. Before age 5, you, the parent are the primary emotional co-regulator.
What Is Co-Regulation and Why Is It Important?
Before the age of 5, children need you to:
- First mirror their dominant emotion: “yes, you’re angry.”
- Then offer a balancing presence: “we also care about our friend and don’t want to hurt them.”
Our job is to help them begin to feel both emotions, and learn what to do with them. Our peace meets our child’s anger. We reflect what we are seeing but do not expect them to have the skills yet to sustain mixed emotions. Your children aren’t being defiant or oppositional, they are being moved by one emotion in the moment. This is the essence of impulsiveness.
As our children develop they will slowly and naturally begin to sustain mixed emotions. It’s okay for them to have conflicting emotions; this is normal. Yes, there is a part that is mad. Yes, there is another part that is afraid of what your anger could do. Yes, there is a part that cares. All of these exist and are important to become mindful of.
Key Insight #2: Impulsiveness is Tempered by Conflicting Feelings
Dr. Gordon Neufeld says:
“The ultimate answer to aggression is for the attacking impulses to be tempered by conflicting feelings, impulses, and values.”
This is a tough insight to wrap our minds around: impulsiveness, and even aggression, aren’t the problem themselves. They are parts (be it messy…) of the process of integration and ultimately maturity (a child who is able to be self-controlled and considerate).
The Power of “Yes, AND” Parenting
Here’s a helpful way to think about it: it’s like the classic improv game called “Yes, AND,” where people do not reject an idea that is given but instead have to build on the idea by adding something more that makes the moment even better. In the same way, parents can say “yes, you want to hit. AND, you care about your classmate/brother.” This is the path to self-control: ADDING in another emotion that conflicts/ holds in tension the anger.
Humans naturally do this: as they are describing a problem or situation, they will spontaneously say, “on one hand” I feel/ want to do this, and “on the other hand” I want to do this/ or feel this.
How Mixed Emotions Lead to Emotional Strength
- Patience = Impulse to Grab + Impulse to Wait
- Courage = Impulse to Run/Hide (Fear) + Impulse to Get Something (Desire)
- Civility = Alarm + Care
Naming these mixed feelings helps develop inner capacity for self-control and social awareness.
Practical Tips for Supporting Your Child
- First, don’t say “don’t be angry.” Reflect it instead, “I see you’re angry…” “What else do you notice?” “What else do you feel?”
- Second, when emotions are really intense, this is not the time to practice. Practicing the sustaining of mixed emotions is a muscle that is grown in the right context: safe, stable parental relationship with mild to medium intensity of emotions.
When emotions are really intense the name of the game is to gather your child’s attention, get them close, get them to breathe, and then attempt to activate their cognitive abilities (get them to respond to this question: what are you doing?). This is not the moment to dive into their emotional life. Regulate through sensory engagement and move away from what is stirring them up.
Summary: How to Support Your Child’s Emotional Maturity
In a nutshell, here’s what we need to know:
- Maturity develops as our children gain the ability to sustain mixed emotions.
- We can reduce impulsiveness when we discover what else exists within our child (anger and…).
Our role as parents is to nurture a space for this spontaneous development.
How? Through trying our best to be patient with this process, getting curious about the inner world of our children, and helping our children identify and name their mixed emotions. This will help.
We’re Here to Help
Are these insights helpful for you? Do they shift how you understand your child’s behaviour?
Reach out — we’d love to hear your thoughts or help further.
by Jonathan Hers | Dec 9, 2024 | Connection, Counselling, Emotional, Emotionally Focused Therapy, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Reflection, Therapy, Tips
Can I just push this emotion down and avoid what is there? Will this tension just go away?
This is a good question that often I ask or hear others ask.
Researcher and developmentalist Gordon Neufeld answers this question with some umfh…
No.
He answers this through differentiating emotion and feelings, which I’ll explain below.
The Importance of Feeling and Expressing Emotions
We are exquisitely complex creatures, and one central aspect of our being is our ability to feel emotions and then let them “move us out” (the actual definition of emotion) into the world. Cultural narratives abound: “it’s just your feelings… get over it.” A familiar message to you? The norm tends to be dismissing these biological functions as irrational whims. It is true emotions can be extreme and regulating them is an important skill, but listening to them is essential. Even more, expressing them is essential.
Freud famously said, “we get sick when we fail to give expression to the emotions within us.”
More and more, research in the medical and psychological fields draws connections between the mind and body, agreeing with both Neufeld and Freud.
Emotions vs. Feelings: Understanding the Difference
Neufeld uses a funny yet powerful image to drive this home: “It is as essential for emotions to be expressed as it is for bowels to be emptied.” Think about that for a moment.
Now here comes the differences between emotions and feelings: emotions just happen, you cannot change that fact. However, our ability to feel and express these emotions (how he defines feelings) is our response to these inevitable emotions that come and go. For example, while you are at your work emotions might come up, and you could choose not to feel them if they seem to disruptive at the time. However, if these emotions stay underground for too long or never find expression, we face problems. Namely, anger issues, low-level persistent anxiety, and emotional distance from the people we care about.
Emotions Require Movement to Function Properly
How do you ride a bike? Not through staying still, but through movement and motion. In the same way, emotions require this motion to function properly. This requires that, after a stressful day, we have a safe home base to return to, in order to move through the emotions that exist within us. Can you think of someone or place that is this home base for you? A place to express what is going on inside.
A big problem we face is that expressing our emotions requires a safe environment, and this can often feel like a luxury many of us don’t have time or space for. Our fast paced culture, our competitive society, and our fractured social bonds all contribute to this challenge of expressing and understanding our emotions.
Perhaps it’s time to slow down, take a breath, and take a pulse of how we are doing, what is going on beneath the surface, and risk expressing what we find there. You’ll notice the difference. You’ll feel more attuned to yourself and the world around you, and your vision will be filled with colour as you tap into these wonderful adaptive biological parts of ourselves.
You’ll start living from this centered place: calm, clear, curious, courageous, creative, and connected.
Sounds good to me.
Get the Support You Deserve
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your emotions or struggling to express them, you’re not alone. Seeking support from a professional can help you better understand and navigate your emotional landscape. Our team at Alongside You is here to provide a safe, compassionate space where you can explore your feelings, build emotional resilience, and gain the tools you need to thrive.
Contact Us to learn more.
by Fiona Scott | Jul 26, 2024 | ADHD, Autism, Communication, Connection, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Tips
So, you have a friend who tells you they are ‘neurodivergent’. This might mean that they have autism, ADHD, Down’s syndrome, synaesthesia, Tourette’s syndrome… or a number of other conditions. Basically, it just means that their brains work a little differently than what is considered ‘typical’. This can mean that they are incredibly smart, creative and sensitive – but it can also mean that they may struggle with certain aspects of daily life. If you’re reading this blog post so that you can learn how to best support them and be their friend, read on!
What Should I Know About Neurodivergence?
It’s hard to describe the way in which sensory input can be overwhelming to people with neurodivergence. Not only can it make it even harder for the brain to process information through all the sensory “noise”, it can be really difficult to tolerate, to the point of being painful. You can help your friends by understanding what they need in order to deal with tough situations. For example, if you know that your friend is sensitive to noise, make sure they have their noise-cancelling headphones with them – make room in your bag if need be! Realize that even if they are doing something they love, they may need to take a break, go outside or to a quieter corner, chill out or regroup. You can always ask them what they need! If you’re going somewhere you know will be challenging, have a plan for if things get too much.
Don’t rely on your neurodivergent friend remembering something you told them, like what needs to be done before the party next week, or the deadline for the next academic paper. Especially if they are currently doing something else, stressed out, or coping with a lot of external sensory stimulation, they may converse with you and seem engaged, but may not be able to turn that input into longer-term memory. Ask your friend what works best to help them remember – is texting or emailing better? Do they want you to bug them until they put it into their Google calendars? They know what works for them best.
How Can I Be Supportive?
A lot of neurodivergent people rely on plans to help them to prepare for situations that might become overwhelming. So when plans change without warning, they can become really stressed out. As much as possible, try to stick to the plan and, if something happens to derail it, be prepared to do whatever will help, whether that’s getting a favourite “comfort” coffee drink, finding ways to make it easier, or even abandoning plans to try again another day. Again, don’t be afraid to ask the person what they need.
Neurodivergent people often feel really guilty about having to have people make extra effort for them. If you do have to go out of your way, do things differently from what you’re used to, or even abandon a planned outing, try not to make them feel bad. That doesn’t mean ignoring your own feelings – just try not to let your frustrations show too much. Guaranteed, they are even more frustrated than you are!
It’s wonderful to give choices, but when neurodivergent people get overwhelmed, sometimes it’s too much to have to make a decision. You can ask, “do you need me to make a decision for you?”, or maybe offer a choice of two options, rather than six. Obviously, this applies to questions like which takeout to choose … not which school to attend or career to pursue! Decision fatigue is also a real issue, which is why activities like grocery shopping can be really tough (as well as the overwhelming sensory stimuli). Sometimes, just being with your friend (known as body doubling) can help them to feel grounded enough to make progress themselves.
Learn More About Allyship
If you are interested in learning more about neurodivergence or how to better support your loved ones, please contact our Client Care Team to connect with an experienced clinician.
