by Aina Cagigos Martin | May 8, 2026 | Anxiety, Depression, Health, Mental Health, Relationships, Therapy
Depression and anxiety can change how you experience sexual intimacy. The low mood, loss of pleasure, and fatigue that come with depression in your daily life can also affect your sex drive, and end up bleeding into the bedroom. This is not uncommon among people with depression or anxiety: a 2022 systematic review and meta-analysis of people with Major Depressive Disorder not on medication found sexual dysfunction in 83% of women and 63% of men.
Sexual difficulties don’t mean you’re broken; it just means that your body and your mind are at capacity, and that is something your therapist can help you with.
How do depression and anxiety affect sexual drive?
Depression and anxiety can both get in the way of intimacy, but they do it differently.
In depression, you might feel like things you used to enjoy don’t feel as good anymore. This is a core symptom of depression that can extend to your sexual life. That’s because depression also comes with changes to your brain and the way it’s connected. The signals between the parts of your brain that handle desire, pleasure, and arousal can get disrupted. What’s more, depression can involve fatigue, changes in your sleep and appetite and sometimes a negative view of yourself, which can also affect intimacy.
Anxiety on the other hand activates your nervous system, your fight or flight mode, and gets your adrenaline pumping to face threats. A little activation can be neutral or even helpful during sex (Bradford & Meston, 2006), but elevated or chronic anxiety keeps your body locked in that state, which is the opposite of the relaxed state needed for arousal.
You might also feel like you can’t focus during sex, like your brain is everywhere. That’s because anxiety comes with worries, and a worried mind can’t stay present with sensations. Your attention might be pulled in many directions, such as self-monitoring, performance, thoughts about body image, or even finances and health. Your brain is too busy to stop and focus on intimacy, and everyday anxiety often morphs into anxiety about how things are going during sex itself.
Finally, antidepressant medication such as SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) and SNRIs (Selective Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors) can cause sexual side effects in 58-73% of people taking them. This further complicates the situation: is it the depression, anxiety, the medication or all of it? That would be the kind of question to bring up with your prescriber or therapist.
Should sexual health be part of my therapy?
Mental health difficulties and sexual difficulties affect each other. If you’re depressed, you may be more likely to develop sexual difficulties. And if you have sexual difficulties, you may be more likely to develop depression.
Even so, not all therapists routinely ask about sexual functioning. Many wait to be sure the client wants to talk about it, while clients often wait for the therapist to bring it up, creating an accidental mutual avoidance. But sexual well-being genuinely matters. The research shows that sexual quality of life is linked to overall quality of life and relationship satisfaction. And when it isn’t addressed, it can worsen the very thing you came to therapy for.
How do I bring it up in therapy?
Bringing this up can be hard, especially if it isn’t something you’ve talked about before. But a few things can make it easier:
- Naming the awkwardness is allowed. You can name how you feel about bringing up a topic, be it awkwardness, stress, shame, or guilt. Something as simple as “I’m not sure how to talk about this” is a good way in.
- Naming it once is the hard part. Once you’ve said it out loud once, the topic is in the room, and it gets easier from there.
- Being specific helps. Telling your therapist that something’s off with your sex drive is a good start but they may need more information. The better your therapist knows your problem, the better they can help. That might mean naming what’s changed, when it started, or whether it lined up with starting medication.
- Referral isn’t a rejection. If your therapist thinks this topic would be better handled by someone with specific training in sexual health, that’s not a rejection but a commitment to getting you the right care.
Therapy is your space to bring up anything you feel you need to work on. Talking about sexual difficulties may not be common in your day-to-day life, but it is an important part of your life and is completely normal to bring up in a therapeutic setting.
Not sure where to start? Connect with us today, we’re here for you.
by Anna Hers | Jan 9, 2026 | Anxiety, Mindfulness, Neurodiversity, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Trauma
We’ve all heard it – mindfulness is a mental health powerhouse. It can ease anxiety, depression, stress, and help us stay present.
But what happens if you sit down, relax your body and close your eyes, and instead of feeling amazing it feels… terrible?
It’s not your imagination. For some people, mindfulness can feel like it turns up the discomfort and chaos, instead of turning it down. You’re not doing it wrong—mindfulness can feel difficult for many people, and that’s okay. There are ways around this! Let’s talk about it.
Why Does Mindfulness Feel Worse for Me?
Some people are more likely to feel uncomfortable while trying mindfulness, at least at first.
If you:
- Have a history of trauma
- Grew up with chronic stress
- Have anxiety sensations that you usually try to avoid
- Have strong self-criticism or perfectionism
- Are neurodiverse or have sensory sensitivities
- OR have a condition like anxiety, depression, PTSD or OCD…
… then you might find that these things can pop up extra loud when you try to slow down.
For many people with these experiences, silence and stillness can feel instinctively unsafe. By sitting down and closing your eyes, your nervous system may be anticipating all sorts of threats. So why does this happen?
Why Does Slowing Down Feel Threatening?
Mindfulness uses something called interoception, which is the practice of noticing the sensations in our bodies and thoughts in our minds.
If you grew up with chaos or frequent threats, your brain may have learned to expect danger—even during calm moments. Over time, your baseline body sensations can become linked with a sense of threat, so paying closer attention to them now can sometimes trigger avoidance or panic.
Or if you struggle with negative or obsessive thinking, trying to observe your thoughts without any guidance might be a bit like standing in the middle of a mental hurricane, all while you’re supposed to be sitting still in peaceful bliss. “Well this is horrible,” you might be thinking.
People with neurodiverse brains can especially find long periods of stillness or focusing on the body difficult, even dysregulating. If you have attention challenges you might feel bored, restless, or frustrated when sitting still. If you have sensory sensitivities, you can find the experience of bringing more attention to your internal experience overwhelming. Most neurodiverse people have nervous systems designed for movement or stimulation, and sitting still and focusing quietly can feel unnatural.
And for people with histories of trauma, PTSD or significant anxiety, trying mindfulness on your own might feel like shining a giant spotlight on all your distressing emotions without any safety rails. Noticing uncomfortable feelings can trigger your brain’s alarm system (the amygdala) before your thinking brain (the prefrontal cortex) has a chance to calm it. This hyperarousal is normal for people with trauma, PTSD, or severe anxiety, and isn’t your fault.
The good news? All of this can be managed with practice and a thoughtful approach.
Is Mindfulness Still Worth It?
With all these challenges in mind – is mindfulness still worth it?
The answer is yes, absolutely.
In fact, the people who notice these difficulties the most might be the ones who can gain the most from practicing mindfulness. Even if it feels challenging at first, with guidance and structure, mindfulness can help you develop more awareness, self-compassion, and resilience.
Not convinced yet? That’s fair. Here are the effects we can see with practicing more mindfulness over time:
- Cortisol lowers in the body over time, softening anxiety and stress symptoms.
- Communication improves between your brain’s emotion center and thinking center, helping you tolerate distressing feelings without becoming overwhelmed.
- Your attention, memory and cognitive flexibility improve.
- You can develop more tolerance for the feelings inside your body, helping your nervous system feel safer over time.
- You can learn to be more curious and compassionate with yourself, turning down the volume on rumination and self-criticism.
Ways to Adapt Mindfulness for Your Nervous System
Not sure how to start? Here’s how you can make some changes to your mindfulness practice to better support your nervous system.
Anxiety / Anxiety Disorders
Focusing on your body right away might not be the best fit, so let’s start focusing externally first. Notice something outside of yourself, whether it’s something to look at, a texture to feel, or a sound to listen to. If movement helps, you can stretch or rock your body, or gently shift your weight in a chair.
Try for just 30-60 seconds to avoid flooding your system. If any internal feelings pop up, practice noticing and labelling them without judgement, saying to yourself, “that’s my heartbeat, it will slow down soon”, “my breathing feels shallow right now, but it’ll return to normal”.
Inner Critic or Rumination
Try shorter sessions to take some of the pressure off. Practice observing and labelling what is happening inside you without engaging with it, telling yourself: “that’s a thought” or “that’s a feeling”. If you struggle to stay in the moment, practice self-compassion and say “it’s okay if my mind wanders, noticing that is what I’m practicing”. Celebrate every time you notice your mind wandering. Then, come back to the present moment.
Neurodiverse Brains
Mindfulness doesn’t have to be still. You can practice mindfulness while walking, stretching, doing yoga or even while you do chores. Try doing 30 – 60 second stints, multiple times a day, and focus on external factors like textures, sounds and things you see. Choose your own posture, focus and timing. If it’s hard to stay engaged, try guided exercises with changing stimuli to stay interested. The key is finding what feels sustainable and safe for you.
Trauma / PTSD
Keep your mindfulness sessions short to avoid flooding your nervous system, and start with focusing on external sights, textures, smells and sounds before bringing more awareness to your body. Whenever you’re ready, you can slowly start bringing more awareness to your internal environment, keeping it tolerable.
Help! It Feels Terrible!
If at any point you feel overwhelmed or distressed by your mindfulness exercises, it’s completely okay to stop and take a break, or try again another time. You can also try these things to help with that overwhelmed feeling:
- Find something very cold to hold, like an ice cube or cold pack from the freezer, or splash cold water on your face
- If your body feels tense, do 10 vigorous jumping jacks
- Try the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise: identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste
- While breathing, practice extra slow exhales
- Push your feet into the ground and notice how they feel
- Remind yourself that this feeling is temporary
- If you’ve tried these and still need a distraction, trying listening to music, reading, or doing a task until you’re feeling more relaxed.
There’s Always Help if You Need It
We hope this helps, and sheds some light on why mindfulness might feel extra challenging for you – at least at first – but also why it’s likely worth the effort in the long run.
If you’re not sure where to start and you’d like a safe and thoughtful plan for practicing, our team is here for you! Reach out to us today.
by Fiona Scott | Dec 16, 2024 | Anxiety, burnout, Creativity, Guidance, holiday, Mental Health, Positive, Relationships, rest, Seasonal, Self Care, Stress, Tips
Where did all this holiday stress come from?
Diwali and Thanksgiving are over. Hannukah, Christmas and Solstice are rapidly approaching. Eid is still a little way off. But whatever and however you do, or don’t, celebrate, it’s impossible to miss ‘The Holiday Season’. It’s everywhere. It’s on every social media outlet, tv station, radio station … and it’s exhausting.
Don’t get me wrong – I love me some cheesy music, lots of pretty lights and the excitement of an approaching ‘event’. But even though this year we don’t have children to deal with (ours have grown), major family commitments, or a lot of enforced socializing, I still find myself automatically going into that continuous, low-grade panic state. You know, that constant pressure to get it all done, have my home in a state of decoration that I’d never consider necessary during the year, become an instant gourmet cook, be able to source the perfect locally-made and sold goods (affordably) for people I don’t know that well … and on, and on, and on.
This isn’t meant to be a downer. I’m just wondering, in the middle of this apparent marathon which is December, to take a detour from the prescribed racecourse? Here are some suggestions – and please, this is NOT supposed to be a ‘more things to check off the list’ set of tasks. Just a few thoughts about making some meaning at a time that’s meant to be meaningful, but often leads to sadness, stress, mental load and overwhelm.
Make a New Tradition
We all love our traditions, don’t we? Well … do we? I spent years making my family come to pick out and cut down a real Christmas tree – my favourite family tradition – until I realized that everyone except me hated it, and once I knew that, I couldn’t really enjoy it anymore. So, that’s no longer on the list.
So, how about making a new tradition? Or tweaking an old one? Would the big family get-together work better on Christmas Eve, or Boxing Day? Could an annual snowfight become a new tradition in your family? Or a holiday scavenger hunt?
What would it look like to do the usual things, but in a way that didn’t load on hany big expectations? Could making cookies with the family HAVE to be from absolute scratch with hand-piped designs, or could you buy the ready-made dough with the baked-in designs and let the kids do it themselves (with predictable but fun results)?
Play Dysfunctional Family Bingo
How I wish I could take credit for this, but it goes to the author Martha Beck. If you HAVE to attend a family celebration and you’re dreading it (for whatever reason), find one or more fellow attendees who are likely feeling the same as you (whether it’s your partner, a cousin, whatever) and make up a bingo card of all the things you’re worried might happen. Auntie Dolly will have one too many and start singing embarrassing rugby songs. Grandpa will say something insensitive about minorities. Uncle Dave will bring up politics and start an argument. One of the kids will sneak chocolate and get it all over Cousin Sally’s white sofa. You get the drill! That way, when the feared worse DOES happen, then you can sneak a look at your co-conspirators and it will become funny, rather than awful. Trust me, it works!
Have Breakfast for Dinner
At some point during the holidays, have breakfast for dinner – whether it’s a huge fried hot meal, or cold cereal. Pair it with hot chocolate or hot apple cider, and make it a fun occasion. Don’t worry – just for once – about making sure the kids have 3 vegetables, or whether they’ll get crazy on the sugar. Just let everyone choose what will make them happy, and release all expectations for just one night.
You could tweak this to be a hot dog night, or anything else that everyone else will enjoy – the point is to take the pressure off everyone for a day, be a bit silly, and take a moment to relax your expectations.
For Goodness’ Sake, Get Out!
Isn’t it interesting that we have this perception that we should spend 24/7 with our loved ones at this time? If you don’t play ‘happy families’ at other times, then why do you think that you should be able to do that at a time the stress is already high? Find reasons to get out, whether it’s walking the dog, offering to be the one to pop out to the store to get extra stuffing or being the one to drive someone home after they’ve had a few drinks (buying you the solo drive back home).
The point of this is to manufacture little breaks in your time where you can put on some music/podcast, or just listen to the peace and quiet outside, take a few breaths, allow some stillness to creep into your mind and realize that life will go back to normal soon.
Try to Manage Expectations
You may have a very strong opinion on how things should go during the holidays. However, try thinking of things from others’ perspectives – maybe the twins’ parents need to leave early because right now it’s taking 3 hours to get them both to sleep. Maybe Uncle Bert refuses to attend a family dinner because he is scared to drive home at night but doesn’t want anyone to know. We don’t always know why people behave the way that they do, but if we can try to ‘assume best intentions’ – that they have their reasons and it probably doesn’t have anything to do with you – then it’s a lot easier to enjoy whatever energy people bring at this time of year, and return your best to them, also.
Support for Holiday Stress: Navigating the Season with Ease
If you’re finding the holiday season especially overwhelming this year, you’re not alone. The pressure to meet expectations, balance family dynamics, and maintain a sense of peace can take a toll on your mental well-being. Alongside You is here to support you during this challenging time. Whether you’re struggling with anxiety, stress, or simply need someone to talk to, our team of compassionate professionals is ready to help. Don’t face the holiday season alone — contact us today to explore how we can help you navigate this time with greater ease and peace of mind.
Whatever your holidays do, or don’t, look like – happy holidays, and I hope you find some peace this year.
by Fiona Scott | Sep 6, 2024 | ADHD, Anxiety, Autism, Children, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Teens, Tips
So, it’s that time of year again… time to gather up your mental strength and prepare to dive back into another school year. However, for those of us with kids under the neurodivergent umbrella, it can be an additional challenge, or even a cause for dread.
Will the teacher ‘get’ your kid?
Should you go in giving them a whole lot of information about your kiddo, or will that start things off on the wrong foot?
How long until the IEP gets updated, and will it even be useful?
Is your kiddo going to throw a fit because this is the year the classroom stops using pencil crayons or they’re expected to learn square dancing in PE?
Support Your Neurodivergent Kid by Supporting Youself
Breathe. I mean it, BREATHE. There are lots of things that you can do to prepare for the new school year, and there are a whole lot of things that you can’t prepare for, and that tends to be where the panic sets in. And I get it – I used to take every ‘first day of school’ off work because I was so anxious about my neurodivergent kiddos that there was no chance of getting any useful work done. I want you to know, though, that this is just one moment in a whole lifetime for your kiddo. It may have huge significance for you, but they may not even remember it in 10 years’ time. So, let’s take a deep breath and adjust our perspective.
There are two issues in parenting a school-aged kiddo who is neurodivergent. One is helping the kid deal with all the challenges they encounter, which may be more complicated than for their more neurotypical peers. The second issue is dealing with your own feelings about your child’s challenges. It can be really hard seeing them struggle with friendships, or be down on themselves because they don’t understand the teacher when they’re explaining math. Our parental spidey senses are constantly on alert trying to anticipate, and avoid, potential problems. So, a lot of our energy is going to be on managing ourselves, and being that calm presence that our kids can rely on as a safe place.
There are a whole lot of things that you can do to help your children with the practical, emotional and social aspects of transitioning to a new school year. For example, along with my colleague Ruth Germo, we have a webinar on transitions to high school. There are a host of good resources out there on the internet, too. And these are the things that parents can keep themselves very busy with at this time of year.
However, this year, I’m going to challenge you (because you definitely don’t have enough on your plates already!) to take a moment a couple of times a day to:
- Stop
- Breathe
- Check in with yourself
- Feel your feelings
- Acknowledge the tough emotions
- Give yourself a little love and grace
- Recognize that ‘this too shall pass’
- Refocus on the long-term goals/plans
- One more nice deep breath, and …
- Back to it, big smile (you know the one)
Neurodivergent Kids Need Us.
In my humble opinion, one of the most underrated predictors of childhood success in schools is parents. Not because we read to them every night, or make them do their homework, drive them to endless stuff or advocate for them (although that’s all extremely important, too). It’s because we’re the safe space they come home to, and launch from. We’re there to commiserate and comfort them on the tough stuff, celebrate with them on the wins, you know, the ones that nobody else will ‘get’, remember their preferences and needs so that they always have the ‘right’ socks or remember to charge their headphones.
We’re their foundation. And if we don’t give ourselves the bare minimum of consideration and care, we won’t be as able to be that safe space for them. I know, truly, I know, they come first. All I’m asking is that you don’t always put yourself last.
If you find that you’re struggling with this, or any aspect of parenting your special needs children, consider reaching out for help. There are people who have lived experience and education who can understand and who won’t judge you for the fact that your kid has eaten white bread with marshmallow spread every day for the last 6 years because that’s all they’ll eat. We’ve been where you are. And we not only survived it, we can let you know that it is all worth it.
by Aelaf Kebebu | Jun 5, 2024 | Anxiety, Connection, Counselling, Mental Health, Mental Health Disorder, Mindfulness Meditation, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Safety, Self Care, Therapy, Trauma
“On occasion, our bodies speak loudly about things we would rather not hear. That is the time to pause and listen.” Verny, Thomas R
Somatic therapy, rooted in the belief that the body is where life happens, empowers individuals to take an active role in their healing journey. It harnesses body techniques to strengthen the evolving dialogue between the client and therapist, fostering a deeper understanding of the relationship between bodily experiences and mental states. By focusing on a holistic perspective, somatic therapy cultivates embodied self-awareness, guiding clients to tune into sensations in specific body parts. This approach has been found to be particularly beneficial for addressing issues such as eating disorders, body image issues, sexual dysfunction, chronic illness, emotion regulation, disassociation, and trauma.
Breathwork in somatic psychotherapy
Breathwork, a cornerstone of somatic therapy, has a rich and diverse history in the realm of physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual healing. Its transformative power can alleviate psychological distress, soften character defenses, release bodily tension, and foster a profound sense of embodiment and tranquility. Somatic therapists employ breathwork techniques, from energizing the body for emotional processing to soothing and grounding hyperactive body parts, offering a hopeful path to healing and self-discovery.
Conscious breathing practices are used:
- to help couples and families to connect through touch
- assist in recovering from trauma
- to promote sensory awareness,
- and to access altered states of consciousness for healing purposes
What is disordered breathing?
Disordered breathing, a term often used in the context of somatic therapy, refers to a state where the physiology and psychology of breathing intertwine. It’s characterized by irregular breathing patterns, which can trigger anxiety or panic and disrupt cognitive processes like decision-making. These patterns can vary based on emotional states, with sighing, increased depth, or rate of breath often associated with anxiety and anger.
Irregular respiratory patterns could be associated with anger, guilt, or deep, weeping sadness. Hyperventilation associated with panic or anxiety creates lower levels of CO2 in the blood, often leading to decreased attention and mental impediments. Loss of concentration, memory loss, poor coordination, distraction, lower reaction time, and lower intellectual functioning are all associated with low CO2.
Feeling anxious: produces a distinguishing pattern of upper-chest breathing, which modifies blood chemistry. This leads to a chain reaction of effects, inducing anxiety and reinforcing the pattern that produced the dysfunctional pattern of breathing in the first place.
Body Posture: has also been cited as a factor in breathing efficiency and patterns. Somatic therapy tends to operationalize posture as a function of personality or character. Somatic therapists often note how one’s posture is presented when describing the emotional state. They track feelings and sensations in the body to help the client make sense of their experience in connection with their body.
What are some benefits of somatic psychotherapy?
- The body is not just a location for distress but also for pleasure, connection, vibrancy, vitality, ease, rest, and expansion. Somatic therapy could make this easier to achieve through processing and resolving difficult bodily experiences.
- Positive self-image: Somatic therapy can help clients feel a positive connection to their bodies and promote self-confidence.
- Positive body image: Somatic therapy can enhance body connection and comfort instead of disrupting body connection and discomfort by pairing difficulty with enjoyable sensations to increase tolerance.
- Enhance the body’s ability to experience and express desire by encouraging the client to Stay with and expand enjoyable sensations.
- Encourages attunement of the body and enhances self-care instead of self-harm and neglect.
- Provides a protective space where clients can re-associate with their bodily experience.
In conclusion, our bodies contain a complicated, unified, multilevel cellular memory system that allows us to be fully functional human beings, and attending to our body’s needs could enhance our overall mental and physical well-being.
If you are interested in somatic psychotherapy, please contact our Client Care Team to connect with one of our clinicians.
References
Stupiggia, M. (2019). Traumatic Dis-Embodiment: Effects of trauma on body perception and body image. In H. Payne, S. Koch, and J. Tantia (Eds.), The Routledge International Handbook of Embodied Perspectives in Psychotherapy (pp. 389-396). Routledge
Verny, T. R. (2021). The Embodied Mind: Understanding the Mysteries of Cellular Memory, Consciousness, and Our Bodies. Simon and Schuster.
Victoria, H. K., & Caldwell, C. (2013). Breathwork in body psychotherapy: Clinical applications. Body, Movement and Dance in Psychotherapy, 8(4), 216- 228. https://doi.org/10.1080/17432979.2013.828657
by Fiona Scott | Nov 17, 2023 | Anxiety, Children, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Parenting, Positive, Tips
Parenting your Chronically-Ill Young Adult
Becoming an adult is a challenge these days. It’s even more challenging if you have chronic physical or mental illness, pain and/or disability. And it is equally challenging when parenting one of those kiddos. Here are some suggestions about what tends to work, and what tends not to work – although, of course, every child is different, and every parent-child relationship is different – so, take these as suggestions only and use what works for you.
Separation Anxiety
By separation anxiety, I mean yours! It is normal for young adults to become more and more autonomous as they separate from their family of upbringing and learn to stand on their own feet. This can be very anxiety-provoking when you are acutely aware of their struggles. Maybe you know that they have extreme anxiety around dealing with paperwork or making telephone calls. You may wonder, “how are they going to manage in their own place?” But hovering and fussing around isn’t helping them or you. Take a breath, do a guided meditation, and learn to be more patient than you ever thought possible.
If you have a young adult who sometimes goes ‘quiet’ and you have concerns about self-harm, it can be a good idea to have the name and number of a partner, friend or coworker who you can contact to check on how they’re doing. However, this must only be on rare occasions. Don’t use them as a way to deal with your anxieties.
They’re Still Here!
If your young adult is still living at home because of their health, and you are both happy about that, then there is no problem. If either of you are less than enthusiastic about it, then it’s time to give them their own space as much as possible, set boundaries and ground rules that work for everyone, and negotiate for shared time rather than assuming that they want to be around you 24/7. It may also be time for them to assume some of the household duties (to the extent that their health allows) so that they are building transferrable skills, and learning that being an adult comes with responsibilities.
Mind Your Own Business!
Privacy is something which everyone deserves. Our children get less privacy when they are young because that is tempered by the need to have some level of control over their lives to ensure that they are healthy and safe. However, adults have the right to privacy, period. Your kid’s computer, cellphone, finances, diary … all off-limits. If you have concerns, talk to them – it’s the grown-up thing to do and they should be able to expect you to model what being an adult means. They don’t need your permission to go out, but they may need your help with transportation. If you’re willing to do that, you’ll meet their friends and be part of their life way more than if they get grilled every time they leave the house.
What They Need versus What You Want to Do
Often we think we really know our kids and their needs – and we probably do, more than anyone in the world … except them. If we insist on helping the way we want instead of what they need, then we prevent them from growing. For example, if they tell you that they can handle taking the bus to work this week, and don’t need a lift – you may not be sure they can do it. But what’s the worst that can happen? They try it once and then need assistance. But what’s the best that can happen? Maybe they make progress and conquer a new skill! Don’t second guess them. Yes, it’s hard watching them struggle a bit. But that, as the kids say, is a you problem. Don’t make it theirs.
Work together with your kids to make contingency plans that help keep their lives on-track. If they take prescriptions, and you know they have difficulty filling them – keep a few days’ supply so that they won’t ever run out completely. If they’re travelling, and you worry that their ADHD will cause them to lose their passport – take a scanned copy backed up to the Cloud and make sure you both have a photo of it on your phones. There are creative solutions to most problems. Oh, and the occasional home-made mac and cheese never hurts, either!
Parenting Without Judgement!
Make parenting a no-judgement zone. If they get into trouble, they won’t ask for help if they know they are going to hear ‘I told you so’. Minimize issues and let them know that adult life is hard, but manageable, and most things can be fixed. Be ready to help when it’s needed, and be prepared to feel a touch neglected when they’re having a good spell and don’t really need you as much! And quit judging yourself, too. You’re navigating one of the most difficult tightrope walks of all – being there for a child who wants to be independent but who can’t quite manage it yet. You aren’t always going to get it right, and neither are they. Don’t beat yourself up about it. The best thing you can do for your kid is be there for them when they need you to be, and love them, always.
If you find that you are struggling with parenting, don’t be afraid to seek help. It can be a relief to realize that many other people struggle with the same issues. I know it’s hard, but try to let other people in. It can be easy to assume that you are the only one who can help your kid. But even if that’s so, maybe other people can help YOU. Maybe your partner can do the laundry or the supermarket run this week. Don’t get so blinkered that you exhaust yourself completely, because then you won’t be able to help your kid. I am not suggesting that you always put yourself first – no parent of a chronically-ill child I have ever met is able to do that. But I am suggesting that you don’t put yourself last.
Look How Far They’ve Come
It can be hard, when you have a kiddo with chronic health issues, to get bogged down in doctor visits, prescriptions, rough nights, trips to the ER, sensory overloads, etc, etc. But looking back a couple of years usually lets us see the progress which has been made. Maybe things don’t look like you expected them to. But maybe your journey, and your young adult’s, will end up being more meaningful than you ever expected. Celebrate the wins!
We’d love to hear what works for you and your young adult. And if you could use support in your parenting journey, contact us to see how we can help.
