by Fiona Scott | Dec 16, 2024 | Anxiety, burnout, Creativity, Guidance, holiday, Mental Health, Positive, Relationships, rest, Seasonal, Self Care, Stress, Tips
Where did all this holiday stress come from?
Diwali and Thanksgiving are over. Hannukah, Christmas and Solstice are rapidly approaching. Eid is still a little way off. But whatever and however you do, or don’t, celebrate, it’s impossible to miss ‘The Holiday Season’. It’s everywhere. It’s on every social media outlet, tv station, radio station … and it’s exhausting.
Don’t get me wrong – I love me some cheesy music, lots of pretty lights and the excitement of an approaching ‘event’. But even though this year we don’t have children to deal with (ours have grown), major family commitments, or a lot of enforced socializing, I still find myself automatically going into that continuous, low-grade panic state. You know, that constant pressure to get it all done, have my home in a state of decoration that I’d never consider necessary during the year, become an instant gourmet cook, be able to source the perfect locally-made and sold goods (affordably) for people I don’t know that well … and on, and on, and on.
This isn’t meant to be a downer. I’m just wondering, in the middle of this apparent marathon which is December, to take a detour from the prescribed racecourse? Here are some suggestions – and please, this is NOT supposed to be a ‘more things to check off the list’ set of tasks. Just a few thoughts about making some meaning at a time that’s meant to be meaningful, but often leads to sadness, stress, mental load and overwhelm.
Make a New Tradition
We all love our traditions, don’t we? Well … do we? I spent years making my family come to pick out and cut down a real Christmas tree – my favourite family tradition – until I realized that everyone except me hated it, and once I knew that, I couldn’t really enjoy it anymore. So, that’s no longer on the list.
So, how about making a new tradition? Or tweaking an old one? Would the big family get-together work better on Christmas Eve, or Boxing Day? Could an annual snowfight become a new tradition in your family? Or a holiday scavenger hunt?
What would it look like to do the usual things, but in a way that didn’t load on hany big expectations? Could making cookies with the family HAVE to be from absolute scratch with hand-piped designs, or could you buy the ready-made dough with the baked-in designs and let the kids do it themselves (with predictable but fun results)?
Play Dysfunctional Family Bingo
How I wish I could take credit for this, but it goes to the author Martha Beck. If you HAVE to attend a family celebration and you’re dreading it (for whatever reason), find one or more fellow attendees who are likely feeling the same as you (whether it’s your partner, a cousin, whatever) and make up a bingo card of all the things you’re worried might happen. Auntie Dolly will have one too many and start singing embarrassing rugby songs. Grandpa will say something insensitive about minorities. Uncle Dave will bring up politics and start an argument. One of the kids will sneak chocolate and get it all over Cousin Sally’s white sofa. You get the drill! That way, when the feared worse DOES happen, then you can sneak a look at your co-conspirators and it will become funny, rather than awful. Trust me, it works!
Have Breakfast for Dinner
At some point during the holidays, have breakfast for dinner – whether it’s a huge fried hot meal, or cold cereal. Pair it with hot chocolate or hot apple cider, and make it a fun occasion. Don’t worry – just for once – about making sure the kids have 3 vegetables, or whether they’ll get crazy on the sugar. Just let everyone choose what will make them happy, and release all expectations for just one night.
You could tweak this to be a hot dog night, or anything else that everyone else will enjoy – the point is to take the pressure off everyone for a day, be a bit silly, and take a moment to relax your expectations.
For Goodness’ Sake, Get Out!
Isn’t it interesting that we have this perception that we should spend 24/7 with our loved ones at this time? If you don’t play ‘happy families’ at other times, then why do you think that you should be able to do that at a time the stress is already high? Find reasons to get out, whether it’s walking the dog, offering to be the one to pop out to the store to get extra stuffing or being the one to drive someone home after they’ve had a few drinks (buying you the solo drive back home).
The point of this is to manufacture little breaks in your time where you can put on some music/podcast, or just listen to the peace and quiet outside, take a few breaths, allow some stillness to creep into your mind and realize that life will go back to normal soon.
Try to Manage Expectations
You may have a very strong opinion on how things should go during the holidays. However, try thinking of things from others’ perspectives – maybe the twins’ parents need to leave early because right now it’s taking 3 hours to get them both to sleep. Maybe Uncle Bert refuses to attend a family dinner because he is scared to drive home at night but doesn’t want anyone to know. We don’t always know why people behave the way that they do, but if we can try to ‘assume best intentions’ – that they have their reasons and it probably doesn’t have anything to do with you – then it’s a lot easier to enjoy whatever energy people bring at this time of year, and return your best to them, also.
Support for Holiday Stress: Navigating the Season with Ease
If you’re finding the holiday season especially overwhelming this year, you’re not alone. The pressure to meet expectations, balance family dynamics, and maintain a sense of peace can take a toll on your mental well-being. Alongside You is here to support you during this challenging time. Whether you’re struggling with anxiety, stress, or simply need someone to talk to, our team of compassionate professionals is ready to help. Don’t face the holiday season alone — contact us today to explore how we can help you navigate this time with greater ease and peace of mind.
Whatever your holidays do, or don’t, look like – happy holidays, and I hope you find some peace this year.
by Jonathan Hers | Dec 9, 2024 | Connection, Counselling, Emotional, Emotionally Focused Therapy, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Reflection, Therapy, Tips
Can I just push this emotion down and avoid what is there? Will this tension just go away?
This is a good question that often I ask or hear others ask.
Researcher and developmentalist Gordon Neufeld answers this question with some umfh…
No.
He answers this through differentiating emotion and feelings, which I’ll explain below.
The Importance of Feeling and Expressing Emotions
We are exquisitely complex creatures, and one central aspect of our being is our ability to feel emotions and then let them “move us out” (the actual definition of emotion) into the world. Cultural narratives abound: “it’s just your feelings… get over it.” A familiar message to you? The norm tends to be dismissing these biological functions as irrational whims. It is true emotions can be extreme and regulating them is an important skill, but listening to them is essential. Even more, expressing them is essential.
Freud famously said, “we get sick when we fail to give expression to the emotions within us.”
More and more, research in the medical and psychological fields draws connections between the mind and body, agreeing with both Neufeld and Freud.
Emotions vs. Feelings: Understanding the Difference
Neufeld uses a funny yet powerful image to drive this home: “It is as essential for emotions to be expressed as it is for bowels to be emptied.” Think about that for a moment.
Now here comes the differences between emotions and feelings: emotions just happen, you cannot change that fact. However, our ability to feel and express these emotions (how he defines feelings) is our response to these inevitable emotions that come and go. For example, while you are at your work emotions might come up, and you could choose not to feel them if they seem to disruptive at the time. However, if these emotions stay underground for too long or never find expression, we face problems. Namely, anger issues, low-level persistent anxiety, and emotional distance from the people we care about.
Emotions Require Movement to Function Properly
How do you ride a bike? Not through staying still, but through movement and motion. In the same way, emotions require this motion to function properly. This requires that, after a stressful day, we have a safe home base to return to, in order to move through the emotions that exist within us. Can you think of someone or place that is this home base for you? A place to express what is going on inside.
A big problem we face is that expressing our emotions requires a safe environment, and this can often feel like a luxury many of us don’t have time or space for. Our fast paced culture, our competitive society, and our fractured social bonds all contribute to this challenge of expressing and understanding our emotions.
Perhaps it’s time to slow down, take a breath, and take a pulse of how we are doing, what is going on beneath the surface, and risk expressing what we find there. You’ll notice the difference. You’ll feel more attuned to yourself and the world around you, and your vision will be filled with colour as you tap into these wonderful adaptive biological parts of ourselves.
You’ll start living from this centered place: calm, clear, curious, courageous, creative, and connected.
Sounds good to me.
Get the Support You Deserve
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your emotions or struggling to express them, you’re not alone. Seeking support from a professional can help you better understand and navigate your emotional landscape. Our team at Alongside You is here to provide a safe, compassionate space where you can explore your feelings, build emotional resilience, and gain the tools you need to thrive.
Contact Us to learn more.
by Fiona Scott | Sep 6, 2024 | ADHD, Anxiety, Autism, Children, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Teens, Tips
So, it’s that time of year again… time to gather up your mental strength and prepare to dive back into another school year. However, for those of us with kids under the neurodivergent umbrella, it can be an additional challenge, or even a cause for dread.
Will the teacher ‘get’ your kid?
Should you go in giving them a whole lot of information about your kiddo, or will that start things off on the wrong foot?
How long until the IEP gets updated, and will it even be useful?
Is your kiddo going to throw a fit because this is the year the classroom stops using pencil crayons or they’re expected to learn square dancing in PE?
Support Your Neurodivergent Kid by Supporting Youself
Breathe. I mean it, BREATHE. There are lots of things that you can do to prepare for the new school year, and there are a whole lot of things that you can’t prepare for, and that tends to be where the panic sets in. And I get it – I used to take every ‘first day of school’ off work because I was so anxious about my neurodivergent kiddos that there was no chance of getting any useful work done. I want you to know, though, that this is just one moment in a whole lifetime for your kiddo. It may have huge significance for you, but they may not even remember it in 10 years’ time. So, let’s take a deep breath and adjust our perspective.
There are two issues in parenting a school-aged kiddo who is neurodivergent. One is helping the kid deal with all the challenges they encounter, which may be more complicated than for their more neurotypical peers. The second issue is dealing with your own feelings about your child’s challenges. It can be really hard seeing them struggle with friendships, or be down on themselves because they don’t understand the teacher when they’re explaining math. Our parental spidey senses are constantly on alert trying to anticipate, and avoid, potential problems. So, a lot of our energy is going to be on managing ourselves, and being that calm presence that our kids can rely on as a safe place.
There are a whole lot of things that you can do to help your children with the practical, emotional and social aspects of transitioning to a new school year. For example, along with my colleague Ruth Germo, we have a webinar on transitions to high school. There are a host of good resources out there on the internet, too. And these are the things that parents can keep themselves very busy with at this time of year.
However, this year, I’m going to challenge you (because you definitely don’t have enough on your plates already!) to take a moment a couple of times a day to:
- Stop
- Breathe
- Check in with yourself
- Feel your feelings
- Acknowledge the tough emotions
- Give yourself a little love and grace
- Recognize that ‘this too shall pass’
- Refocus on the long-term goals/plans
- One more nice deep breath, and …
- Back to it, big smile (you know the one)
Neurodivergent Kids Need Us.
In my humble opinion, one of the most underrated predictors of childhood success in schools is parents. Not because we read to them every night, or make them do their homework, drive them to endless stuff or advocate for them (although that’s all extremely important, too). It’s because we’re the safe space they come home to, and launch from. We’re there to commiserate and comfort them on the tough stuff, celebrate with them on the wins, you know, the ones that nobody else will ‘get’, remember their preferences and needs so that they always have the ‘right’ socks or remember to charge their headphones.
We’re their foundation. And if we don’t give ourselves the bare minimum of consideration and care, we won’t be as able to be that safe space for them. I know, truly, I know, they come first. All I’m asking is that you don’t always put yourself last.
If you find that you’re struggling with this, or any aspect of parenting your special needs children, consider reaching out for help. There are people who have lived experience and education who can understand and who won’t judge you for the fact that your kid has eaten white bread with marshmallow spread every day for the last 6 years because that’s all they’ll eat. We’ve been where you are. And we not only survived it, we can let you know that it is all worth it.
by Fiona Scott | Jul 26, 2024 | ADHD, Autism, Communication, Connection, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Tips
So, you have a friend who tells you they are ‘neurodivergent’. This might mean that they have autism, ADHD, Down’s syndrome, synaesthesia, Tourette’s syndrome… or a number of other conditions. Basically, it just means that their brains work a little differently than what is considered ‘typical’. This can mean that they are incredibly smart, creative and sensitive – but it can also mean that they may struggle with certain aspects of daily life. If you’re reading this blog post so that you can learn how to best support them and be their friend, read on!
What Should I Know About Neurodivergence?
It’s hard to describe the way in which sensory input can be overwhelming to people with neurodivergence. Not only can it make it even harder for the brain to process information through all the sensory “noise”, it can be really difficult to tolerate, to the point of being painful. You can help your friends by understanding what they need in order to deal with tough situations. For example, if you know that your friend is sensitive to noise, make sure they have their noise-cancelling headphones with them – make room in your bag if need be! Realize that even if they are doing something they love, they may need to take a break, go outside or to a quieter corner, chill out or regroup. You can always ask them what they need! If you’re going somewhere you know will be challenging, have a plan for if things get too much.
Don’t rely on your neurodivergent friend remembering something you told them, like what needs to be done before the party next week, or the deadline for the next academic paper. Especially if they are currently doing something else, stressed out, or coping with a lot of external sensory stimulation, they may converse with you and seem engaged, but may not be able to turn that input into longer-term memory. Ask your friend what works best to help them remember – is texting or emailing better? Do they want you to bug them until they put it into their Google calendars? They know what works for them best.
How Can I Be Supportive?
A lot of neurodivergent people rely on plans to help them to prepare for situations that might become overwhelming. So when plans change without warning, they can become really stressed out. As much as possible, try to stick to the plan and, if something happens to derail it, be prepared to do whatever will help, whether that’s getting a favourite “comfort” coffee drink, finding ways to make it easier, or even abandoning plans to try again another day. Again, don’t be afraid to ask the person what they need.
Neurodivergent people often feel really guilty about having to have people make extra effort for them. If you do have to go out of your way, do things differently from what you’re used to, or even abandon a planned outing, try not to make them feel bad. That doesn’t mean ignoring your own feelings – just try not to let your frustrations show too much. Guaranteed, they are even more frustrated than you are!
It’s wonderful to give choices, but when neurodivergent people get overwhelmed, sometimes it’s too much to have to make a decision. You can ask, “do you need me to make a decision for you?”, or maybe offer a choice of two options, rather than six. Obviously, this applies to questions like which takeout to choose … not which school to attend or career to pursue! Decision fatigue is also a real issue, which is why activities like grocery shopping can be really tough (as well as the overwhelming sensory stimuli). Sometimes, just being with your friend (known as body doubling) can help them to feel grounded enough to make progress themselves.
Learn More About Allyship
If you are interested in learning more about neurodivergence or how to better support your loved ones, please contact our Client Care Team to connect with an experienced clinician.
by Aelaf Kebebu | Jun 5, 2024 | Anxiety, Connection, Counselling, Mental Health, Mental Health Disorder, Mindfulness Meditation, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Safety, Self Care, Therapy, Trauma
“On occasion, our bodies speak loudly about things we would rather not hear. That is the time to pause and listen.” Verny, Thomas R
Somatic therapy, rooted in the belief that the body is where life happens, empowers individuals to take an active role in their healing journey. It harnesses body techniques to strengthen the evolving dialogue between the client and therapist, fostering a deeper understanding of the relationship between bodily experiences and mental states. By focusing on a holistic perspective, somatic therapy cultivates embodied self-awareness, guiding clients to tune into sensations in specific body parts. This approach has been found to be particularly beneficial for addressing issues such as eating disorders, body image issues, sexual dysfunction, chronic illness, emotion regulation, disassociation, and trauma.
Breathwork in somatic psychotherapy
Breathwork, a cornerstone of somatic therapy, has a rich and diverse history in the realm of physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual healing. Its transformative power can alleviate psychological distress, soften character defenses, release bodily tension, and foster a profound sense of embodiment and tranquility. Somatic therapists employ breathwork techniques, from energizing the body for emotional processing to soothing and grounding hyperactive body parts, offering a hopeful path to healing and self-discovery.
Conscious breathing practices are used:
- to help couples and families to connect through touch
- assist in recovering from trauma
- to promote sensory awareness,
- and to access altered states of consciousness for healing purposes
What is disordered breathing?
Disordered breathing, a term often used in the context of somatic therapy, refers to a state where the physiology and psychology of breathing intertwine. It’s characterized by irregular breathing patterns, which can trigger anxiety or panic and disrupt cognitive processes like decision-making. These patterns can vary based on emotional states, with sighing, increased depth, or rate of breath often associated with anxiety and anger.
Irregular respiratory patterns could be associated with anger, guilt, or deep, weeping sadness. Hyperventilation associated with panic or anxiety creates lower levels of CO2 in the blood, often leading to decreased attention and mental impediments. Loss of concentration, memory loss, poor coordination, distraction, lower reaction time, and lower intellectual functioning are all associated with low CO2.
Feeling anxious: produces a distinguishing pattern of upper-chest breathing, which modifies blood chemistry. This leads to a chain reaction of effects, inducing anxiety and reinforcing the pattern that produced the dysfunctional pattern of breathing in the first place.
Body Posture: has also been cited as a factor in breathing efficiency and patterns. Somatic therapy tends to operationalize posture as a function of personality or character. Somatic therapists often note how one’s posture is presented when describing the emotional state. They track feelings and sensations in the body to help the client make sense of their experience in connection with their body.
What are some benefits of somatic psychotherapy?
- The body is not just a location for distress but also for pleasure, connection, vibrancy, vitality, ease, rest, and expansion. Somatic therapy could make this easier to achieve through processing and resolving difficult bodily experiences.
- Positive self-image: Somatic therapy can help clients feel a positive connection to their bodies and promote self-confidence.
- Positive body image: Somatic therapy can enhance body connection and comfort instead of disrupting body connection and discomfort by pairing difficulty with enjoyable sensations to increase tolerance.
- Enhance the body’s ability to experience and express desire by encouraging the client to Stay with and expand enjoyable sensations.
- Encourages attunement of the body and enhances self-care instead of self-harm and neglect.
- Provides a protective space where clients can re-associate with their bodily experience.
In conclusion, our bodies contain a complicated, unified, multilevel cellular memory system that allows us to be fully functional human beings, and attending to our body’s needs could enhance our overall mental and physical well-being.
If you are interested in somatic psychotherapy, please contact our Client Care Team to connect with one of our clinicians.
References
Stupiggia, M. (2019). Traumatic Dis-Embodiment: Effects of trauma on body perception and body image. In H. Payne, S. Koch, and J. Tantia (Eds.), The Routledge International Handbook of Embodied Perspectives in Psychotherapy (pp. 389-396). Routledge
Verny, T. R. (2021). The Embodied Mind: Understanding the Mysteries of Cellular Memory, Consciousness, and Our Bodies. Simon and Schuster.
Victoria, H. K., & Caldwell, C. (2013). Breathwork in body psychotherapy: Clinical applications. Body, Movement and Dance in Psychotherapy, 8(4), 216- 228. https://doi.org/10.1080/17432979.2013.828657
by Jonathan Hers | Mar 27, 2024 | Children, Communication, Connection, Encouragement, Mental Health, Parenting, Teens, Tips
What does Family Systems teach about being Parent-Oriented?
Let me paint a fictional yet very real picture:
“I can’t take it! This yelling is killing me,” Trish cried out to her husband in frustration.
Trish: 41 years old, married to Owen, mother of two boys (Jake, 9, and Sam, 14), and working part time at a Marketing firm – sat down with her head down.
She went on, “I’m exhausted… and feel more tyrant than parent! I can’t take much more…”
So much for the classic Christmas exclamation (yes, I’m still in the Christmas/New Years reflective mode) we wish we could all shout from the rooftops: “It’s a wonderful life!”
Trish’s internal dialogue:
What an absolute battle! Shouldn’t swimming lessons be fun? Nevermind my lovely intentions for him to make some friends, something he is clearly struggling to do.
Our internal critics can be ruthless in their judgements:
The tone you used was too intense! What sort of mother screams like this at her kids? Hopefully none of the neighbors heard that. It’s hopeless! I cannot stop this yelling. Am I just a bad mother?
It’s one of those moments when you have intrusive thoughts about how you wish you could escape all the commitments you have. You are trying to uphold an image of order and yet the cracks are forming and your will power is running dangerously low.
If this is you, breathe in and out deeply. Right now. Try it. It helps. Slowly breathe in and out again. Take your time. I’ll explain in a second. This is important.
There is hope.
There are new dance moves to learn! New songs you and your family can move to.
There is hope.
Do you sense a little doubt rising up? If so, go ahead and acknowledge that part of you that is skeptical. Take a moment, and acknowledge that inner skeptic. Listen to what it’s saying. Makes sense. Change is difficult. We’ve gone down this road too many times. Hope often feels out of reach.
Well, as a therapist and fellow human (who is new to the parenting game), I want to encourage you and share some steps you can take to become that peaceful presence you long to be within your family.
Take the First Step.
I want to encourage you: walking up those stairs to confront your child, to investigate the brewing chaos, or to engage in the struggle to get your kid to swimming lessons is so important. Being a parent is a sacred duty. As much as I can through the medium of a blog, I want to say this: Well done! Parenting is so important.
Some of the biggest names in psychology and parenting – Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté – together wrote a book called Hold Onto Your Kids and they repeatedly highlight the importance of our children being attached or connected to us as their parents. Perhaps this seems obvious but, in fact, researchers are seeing a trend of children becoming increasingly more attached to their peers than their parents. This means our kids are getting their cues or primary validation from their friends over us, their parents. Do your kids lean towards being peer-oriented or parent-oriented? A helpful sign is who do they turn to when in crisis? Or this: when your child is freaking out at you it’s a sign of their safety with you.
Whatever the answer may be, your involvement is critical. And that means walking up those stairs over and over again.
I think of the movie It’s a Wonderful Life where George Bailey doubts whether his life has made any difference in light of the chaotic forces of big business creeping in and widening the inequality gap. In a moment of despair George wishes he had never lived! The classic parental exclamation: “is anything I am doing making a difference!?” Spoiler warning. George Bailey gets his wish to see what his community would look like if he never lived…and what does he discover? His life, in fact, has positively impacted countless lives. This movie is a beautiful witness to the power of a life well lived. The takeaway? Our lives, our love, and each little decision we make has a significant impact in ways that, more often than not, we will never see.
Your attention, your love, your concern for your kids, even if it comes across not perfectly, is worthwhile, essential and life changing.
Take the Next Step.
So back to our main question: how do we end this seemingly endless screaming match and attain that wonderful life we all want?
Deep breath in. And breathe out slowly.
Here’s an answer according to Family Systems research:
One of the best things you can do for your kid is to focus NOT on your kids but to focus on yourself.
What? This is a strange invitation indeed.
Hal Runkl, a seasoned family therapist, puts it this way, “We all feel incredibly anxious about our kids, and their choices, and we don’t know what to do about it. We fret and worry about how our kids will turn out. Inevitably, we’re so focused on our kids that we don’t realize when this anxiety takes over—and we get reactive.” (Runkl, 2009, p. 9).
Hal continues, “First, it’s a given that there are things in this world we can control and things we cannot control. Now ask yourself this question: How smart is it to focus your energy on something you can’t do anything about, something you cannot control? Answer: Not very. Follow-up question: Which category do your kids fall into? In other words, are your children something you can control or something you cannot control? Here’s an even tougher question: Even if you could control your kids, should you? Is that what parenting is all about? And what if it’s not the kids who are out of control?” (Runkl, 2009, p. 11).
Compelling right? Take a moment to think about that paragraph. Not fully sold yet? That’s okay. Stay with me just a bit longer so I can paint a picture of what this sort of parenting might look like.
So the natural next question to ask is: what does it look like to focus on ourselves as parents?
Take A Different Step.
It means doing what I got you to do above.
First, breathe in. Breathe out.
Then, acknowledge the parts of yourself that rose up (the inner skeptic we acknowledged earlier).
And then finally, move towards your kids.
Hal Runkl puts it this way: calm down, grow up, get close.
This sort of parenting is less about mastering the available parenting techniques but harnessing what Edwin Friedman (another family therapist) calls a “non-anxious presence.” It’s less about skills to learn and more about managing our anxiety. It’s difficult but doable. And it works!
The power of harnessing a non-anxious presence is that if change occurs in one part of the family system, it affects the entire system. When anxiety rises in one person, it instantly impacts the entire family system. Like certain house heating systems: if the temperature drops, instantly the heating system alters to adjust the temperature. Thus, as the parent, when one lowers their own anxiety (perhaps through our three steps – calm down, grow up, and get close) you will immediately impact the entire family. In fact, our heightened anxiety often creates the very outcomes it seeks to prevent (check out counterwill and Otto Rank for more on this).
This is why the first step of harnessing a non-anxious presence is breathing or getting calm. This aligns with new research that teaches us about mirror neurons which activate in those around us in response to our emotional state (Rizzolatti & Craighero, 2004). Our brains are beautifully programmed to be really good at mirroring, or “getting in tune” with those around us. So, as you manage your breathing in high intensity situations, it will impact those you are around. So, first: calm down. Breathe.
Think Things Through.
Some questions to ponder related to our first step: what situations with your children make you the most reactive? What is said that typically triggers you? What are you feeling at that moment? Have you ever remained calm in the midst of family chaos? How did that affect those around you?
The second step – grow up – is about how we handle the anxiety that is inherent in our families. It’s about avoiding speedy responses (emotional reactivity), increasing our self-awareness, and taking time to really think.
Can you, in the heat of the moment as you walk up the stairs in response to the apparent chaos brewing, acknowledge the sadness, anger, and anxiety in you that is rising up?
Hal puts it this way, “the only way to retain a position of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves” (Runkl, 2009, p. 16). Part of growing up, and thus infusing peace into our families, is our ability to embrace the emotional intensity present, the painful words unleashed, and the immediate discomfort for long-term pay-off. This is the process of maturity: our sacred responsibility as parents.
“I hate you!” “You’re no fun… I want to go out Friday night.” “I don’t know how to do this homework!”
Cue anxiety. Do you feel it in your shoulders? This anxiety leads to two usual responses: Scream or avoid! Instead, each time this anxiety rises up it is an opportunity for us to grow up. And this process of pausing, thinking, and becoming aware of our own emotions, gives us enough space to think and respond from a non-anxious position… or as close as we can get to it.
So, the second step is to grow up: embrace your own anxiety, name the thoughts and emotions that come up, and take a moment to think.
I’ll keep the third step simple. The final step is to get close, which simply means remaining connected. From this place of calm move towards your kids.
The Take Home Message.
Let’s put this all together:
Your kids are fighting upstairs. Your heart rate starts to increase.. Angry thoughts start to arrive: “I’ve got dinner to make…I just put out five different fires today and now this kid is at it again!” These intrusive thoughts and more flood your brain.
Here is what you need to do.
Walk upstairs… slow your pace… (unless danger is truly on the table… but it probably isn’t)…. Breathe in and out… attempt to slow your heart rate… even a little bit. Become aware of the part of you that is angry… where do you experience it? What is its job for you? Then, enter the room…
In conclusion, peace enters our families not in the way we expect, not through focusing on our kids – something we cannot or shouldn’t control – but through focusing on ourselves. Calming down, growing up, and getting close.
References
Neufeld, G., & Maté, G. (2004). Hold On to Your Kids: why parents need to matter more than peers. Vintage Canada.
Rizzolatti, G., & Craighero, L. (2004). The mirror-neuron system. Annu. Rev. Neurosci., 27, 169-192.
Runkel, H. E. (2009). Screamfree parenting: The revolutionary approach to raising your kids by keeping your cool. Broadway.
