When a child is struggling with big emotions, it can be tempting to immediately reach for a strategy.
“Take a deep breath.”, “Count to 10.”, “Go somewhere quiet.”, “Use your coping skills.”
These strategies can be helpful, but there is an important step that comes before them: Awareness
Before children can effectively use strategies to manage their emotions, they first need to begin understanding what they are feeling, what is happening in their body, what may have triggered the emotion, and what they need.
Think of it as: Awareness → Understanding → Strategy → Regulation
If we skip the awareness piece, we can end up asking children to use strategies without really understanding why they need them or when to use them.
The good news? Parents don’t need to have all the answers. Everyday moments can become opportunities for children to learn about their emotions. And parents don’t have to figure it all out on their own. Counselling can provide an opportunity for parents, children, and counsellors to work together as a team building understanding, discovering what works best for each child, and developing emotional skills that can be practised both in counselling and at home.
What Is Emotional Awareness?
Emotional awareness is the ability to notice and understand our emotions.
For children, this can include learning to:
- Recognize different emotions
• Put words to how they are feeling
• Notice how emotions show up in their bodies
• Understand what may have triggered a feeling
• Recognize that more than one emotion can happen at the same time
• Understand that emotions change
• Communicate what they need
For example, a child might initially say:
“I’m mad!”
With support, they may eventually recognize:
“I’m frustrated because I couldn’t do it, and now I’m embarrassed.”
That is emotional awareness in action.
How Can Parents Help Build Emotional Awareness?
Start With Noticing
Children don’t always have the words to tell us what they are feeling. Sometimes their behaviour communicates it first.
Instead of immediately trying to fix the behaviour, pause and become curious about what might be happening underneath it.
You might say
“You seem really frustrated. I wonder what happened.”
“You seem a little quiet today. I wonder if something is worrying you.”
The goal isn’t to guess exactly what your child is feeling. It’s to help them slow down and start noticing what might be happening emotionally. Behaviour can be a clue to an emotion.
Help Children Put Words to Their Feelings
Children often start with a few basic emotion words: happy, sad, mad, and scared. Over time, parents can help expand their emotional vocabulary. For example, instead of only using “mad,” children might learn words such as frustrated, annoyed, disappointed, or overwhelmed.
Instead of only using “scared,” they might learn to recognize worried, nervous, uncertain, or overwhelmed. You don’t have to quiz your child about their emotions. Simply offering different words gives them opportunities to explore what fits.
You might say:
“Do you think you’re feeling frustrated, or maybe disappointed?”
“I wonder if you’re feeling worried about what might happen.”
Children don’t have to agree with the word you suggest. The goal is to give them opportunities to explore different ways of describing their experience.
Validate the Feeling Before Trying to Solve the Problem
One of the most helpful things parents can do is acknowledge a child’s emotion before jumping into problem-solving.
Instead of: “It’s not a big deal.” Try: “I can see you’re really frustrated. That was hard.”
Instead of: “There’s nothing to worry about.” Try: “I can see you’re worried. Let’s talk about what’s making you nervous.”
Validation doesn’t mean that we agree with everything a child says or does. It simply communicates that you see the feeling and are getting curious and attempting to understand it.
This can help children become more comfortable talking about difficult emotions rather than learning that certain feelings should be hidden or avoided.
Help Children Notice Emotions in Their Bodies
Emotions aren’t just thoughts. They can also create physical sensations. Anger might show up as clenched fists, a hot face, tense muscles, or a racing heart. Anxiety might show up as a tight stomach, shaky hands, a racing heart, or wanting to avoid something.
You can also model this yourself “I’m feeling frustrated, and I notice my shoulders are tense. I’m going to take a minute.”. When parents model emotional awareness, children learn that noticing emotions is something everyone can practise, not something that only happens when a child is having a difficult time.
Remember That Emotions Are Not Good or Bad
It can be tempting to describe emotions as positive or negative. Instead, try thinking of emotions as information. Anger might tell us that something feels unfair or that a boundary has been crossed. Anxiety might tell us that something feels uncertain, unfamiliar, or important. The goal isn’t to teach children that they should never feel angry or anxious. The goal is to help them learn that they can have the feeling without it being in change of everything.
How Can Counselling Help?
Counselling can provide additional support, tools, and opportunities for children to develop emotional awareness in a way that is suited to their age and individual needs.
As I discussed in my previous blog, helping children manage big emotions isn’t just about finding the right strategy. Before children can use strategies effectively, they need to understand what is happening for them emotionally.
This is where emotional awareness becomes an important foundation.
Counselling can provide a space for children to explore their emotions, understand what they may be experiencing, and begin to recognize how emotions show up for them. Through play, art, games, activities, and conversation, children can develop a better understanding of their emotional experiences in ways that feel comfortable and meaningful to them.
Parents can also be part of this process. Counselling can provide an opportunity for parents, children, and counsellors to work together as a team building awareness, developing skills, and finding ways to support emotional development both in counselling and at home.