by Amy Ibrahim | May 20, 2020 | Counselling, Grief, Mental Health, Relationships, Stress, Tips
Grief is a bit of a mystery to us, and something that our brains and our bodies have a hard time processing. Many times we might wonder, “How do I support someone who is going through grief?” It can be hard to know what to say or do when someone you care about is grieving a major loss. Some people may be afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, or maybe think that there is nothing they can do to make things better. Others may simply feel uncomfortable with the intense pain and emotions that grief brings. These are common fears that we all experience when someone we deeply care about is going through a difficult time. It may help to know that there is no magic pill – no cure for the pain of loss, and nothing that can take it all away. But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t anything we can do to support someone who is grieving. You don’t have to have all the answers or be able offer great insight or advice for your loved one to feel supported and know that you care about them. Often times, your mere presence is enough. The bereaved would benefit from just knowing that they are not alone in their suffering, and that they have a caring and compassionate friend to turn to if they need to. This alone can help the bereaved process the pain and slowly start to heal.
Nonetheless, here are some good ground rules to keep in mind when you’re trying to answer the question of how to support someone who is grieving.
Listen
Your friend or loved one may have not had the chance to share their thoughts and feelings about the loss with anyone. Often times, those who are grieving may avoid talking about the deceased with close family members or friends so that they don’t bring them too much pain. This means that they may have never had the chance to share their grief story. Just by listening to them, without judgement or restriction, you offer them a unique opportunity to verbally process the loss and express the impact it has had on them, which can be healing in itself!
Give Permission to Grieve
Some of us may be uncomfortable with this step because of the intense pain and emotions that grief brings. We may feel propelled to offer advice, or provide intervention or direction in some way, which is understandable – no one wants to see their loved ones suffer! But as mentioned earlier, the most helpful thing we can do is offer our presence and remind ourselves that there is nothing we can do to take their pain away. Depending on your relationship with the person experiencing grief, you can encourage them to express their grief, especially if they consider you to be one of their safe and close friends. Keep in mind that grief may not only involve feelings of sadness, but can also include intense feelings of guilt, anxiety, anger and despair. Allow them to express the range of emotions they may be feeling, without judgement. Many people hide their grief and pretend that everything is alright, so giving them permission to express their grief, with all the extreme emotions it involves may be very freeing. You can say something like, “tell me about your dad,” or, “this must be really hard,” and let them know that grieving is a normal and healthy response to loss. You can even tell them, “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know that I care.”
Share Information About the Grief Process
Grief often comes in waves, and many people don’t know what to expect from it. Some people may be surprised by the duration or intensity of it and they may judge themselves for how long it’s taking them to heal. It can be helpful to remind them that grief affects everyone differently, and that their journey is unique to them. Not only that, but it is also normal and expected to have some good days along with the bad. Reassure them that this does not mean that they love the individual they lost any less – finding ways to cope with the loss and finding a new normal is part of the healing journey.
Assist in Practical and Concrete Ways
Lastly, helping the bereaved in practical ways can be one of the most helpful ways to support them, especially in the early days after the loss. They may very likely have no energy to ask for support at this time or may not know exactly what it is that they need. That’s why it’s helpful to take initiative to make a practical, concrete offer that would lessen the burden of their daily responsibilities. This could be something like offering to deliver them a meal, babysit their children so that they can have some time to themselves, or take long walks with them for fresh air and exercise.
Practice Self-Compassion
Finally, it’s important to practice self-compassion as we support someone else on their journey through grief. It’s hard when we see those close to us suffer. Even though it’s not our own suffering, their pain still impacts us, and we may experience it as our own. That’s why it’s important to show kindness towards ourselves and acknowledge how hard it is for us to know that a loved one is going through a difficult time and that there is nothing we can do to take their pain away. This allows us the capacity to be there for those who are suffering and not get lost in their pain. If we are able to attend to our own emotions and have compassion for ourselves, we increase our capacity to be there for others and offer them the gift of our presence.
If you or someone you love is experiencing grief, we’re with you. If we can be of any help to you on your journey through grief please give us a call.
by Sarah Vaughan-Jones | Jul 25, 2018 | Health, Relationships
“This week’s blog is written by one of our volunteers, Sarah Vaughan-Jones. Sarah is entering her last year of her Psychology degree at UBC this fall and is helping out around the clinic as she learns more about the field of psychology.”
Relationships can be challenging. They don’t come along easily and require constant attention to sustain them. At different stages in our lives, they can be more difficult with the other challenges that life throws at you. Being in a relationship, and having a romantic partner can play an especially large role in our health outcomes. Whether it is a budding relationship in high school, or a 30-year marriage, having a partner can certainly impact our health. Let’s take a look at a few of the ways this can happen throughout our lifespan.
Late adolescence
As we reach our later teens, major changes happen in our day to day lives. Many of you are heading off to college or joining the workforce. It is probably the first time many of you have lived on your own, with less direct guidance or support from your parents. You may find that you are ripped out of your comfort zone and put in a new environment, where you may not know anyone! This can be lonely and stressful!
With your newfound freedom, you might explore new things such as drugs and alcohol, experimenting with sex, and others. Often, these are in an effort to develop and form relationships with others, including romantic partners. How might relationships affect this? Research has found that young adults in a relationship may have less mental and physical health problems when compared to single college students, as they may engage in less risky behaviour (Braithwaite et. al, 2010). Sometimes we experiment with risky behaviours as we look to expand our social network. Alternately, being in a relationship might encourage us to be healthier. In the people studies, exercise, smoking habits and eating habits were more likely to improve due to being in a relationship with a partner (Nichols, 2017). Couples can receive the emotional support and comfort that they may be missing from home, benefiting their wellbeing.
Early Adulthood
Life continues to change once we’re in early adulthood. Relationships can quickly become a more important part of our lives. Many feel stress and pressure from society to find a relationship, as it’s a common time for marriage, moving in together or having children. Whereas a few years ago it was all new and experimentation, now the pressure is on – people may be expecting you to be in a relationship as you get older. It can be tricky to balance; you’re trying to find security in a job and search for a partner at the same time as dealing with whatever other life challenges come your way!
In this stage of life, research suggests that women will have better mental health outcomes, while men will have better physical health, when in a happy, committed relationship (Nichols, 2017). A married man’s health was similar to that of a non-smoker, with regular blood pressure and BMI levels (Loving & Slatcher 2013, p.8). Happy couples also have a decreased mortality risk, decreased the risk of cardiovascular disease, and decreased cancer-related mortality.
On the other hand, when in a relationship, conflict can arise between career and love. With a common goal of being financially stable, this can mean more time at work, which can strain and cause stress in relationships. This kind of stress has been linked to future cardiovascular problems (Nichols, 2017). Research suggests that adults who are able to maintain a good balance between many demanding situations have the ability to adapt to demanding environments better than others, which helps form a greater identity (Cao, 2013, p.7).
If this is you, you might feel trapped in a cycle of doubt, as it can be hard to find a solution and how to balance a relationship with work and other commitments. What you might find interesting is that being in a relationship can help with coping; that is, the relationship becomes a strength in coping. They call this “dyadic coping” and it can be beneficial for many couples. Dyadic coping focuses on how couples can cope together to decrease their stress. They can prepare for future stressors, and plan on how to deal with them together. This can increase an individual’s support for their partner, and improve trust and intimacy with one another, improving each other’s mental health (Landis et. al 2014, as cited in Umberson & Montez, 2010).
Adulthood
Long-term marriages and relationships can also have a significant impact on our health. Whether you are new parents or retiring, relationships still have a substantial influence on your health.
Research is finding that that long-term relationship satisfaction is different between men and women. Men that engage in problem-solving and stress management, are predicted to have the healthiest relationships (Pietromonaco et. al, 2013). It seems as though focusing on problem-solving and stress management in relationships may allow men to be rational and calm under stress, which may place less of a negative stress on their body.
Some of the research highlights that health outcomes for women improved when they were intentional about paying attention to their personal satisfaction and this led to better relationship happiness overall (Pietromonaco et. al, 2013).
What about children? Having a child can be an important part of a relationship. Research has found that during pregnancy, women that receive support from their partner had reduced anxiety during and after pregnancy. It can be a stressful time for many couples, and having support can be not only healthy for the mother, but also the child. Reducing parental anxiety levels can also improve the infant’s behaviour and development for the better (Pietromonaco et. al, 2013). Parents who are calm and less stressed during, and after pregnancy may have less distressed children.
Later on in life, as we age, more and more health problems may arise, including chronic diseases. Having a partner as a support system can have great effects on health outcomes. Cancer patients reported feeling more intimacy in the days in which their spouses supported them. What’s interesting is that giving support, not just receiving support can also be beneficial to our health. Supporting a spouse showed lower mortality rates for the supporting partner (Brown et. al, 2009, as cited in Pietromonaco et. al, 2013).
What can we take from this? Although relationships require effort to find, grow and maintain, they may be very beneficial to our health in the long run. With the curve balls life can throw in your direction, it can be very beneficial to have the support of a partner, at any time in your life. But of course, there is always an alternative to this. Others in your life such as close friends and family can also provide a similar support for you in times of need, or anytime at all! For any question, feel free to contact us!
