by Tracy Mortensen | Dec 22, 2025 | Children, Family, Mental Health, Parenting, Tips
When children struggle with big emotions like anger, anxiety, or frustration, our instinct as adults is to introduce strategies like deep breathing, distractions, calm-down corners, or mindfulness exercises.
These tools can be helpful, but tend to be more successful after something deeper develops first: awareness.
Awareness is the ability to notice what is happening in the current moment. This includes (and is not limited to) a child’s ability to name what they feel in the moment, where they feel it, and what might have triggered it. This awareness becomes the bridge between emotion and regulation.
Without a child’s awareness, using other strategies is a bit like giving them a toolbox but not teaching how to know when a particular tool should be used, and will keep these other strategies from being as effective.
Awareness Before Regulation
Developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld reminds us that children don’t learn regulation by being taught techniques, but that they develop it as their brains mature and they feel safe and connected. Emotional regulation grows from the inside out, not from external strategies.
Awareness, then, isn’t just a cognitive skill; it’s an emotional unfolding. When a child can feel and notice their emotions, the prefrontal cortex (the “thinking brain”) begins to integrate with the limbic system (the “feeling brain”), and this integration is what allows true self-regulation to form.
As Neufeld often says, children must first feel their emotions before they can manage them.
How Counselling Helps Build Awareness
Counselling provides a space for children to slow down, reflect, and notice – something they might not have access to in their everyday environments.
In counselling, awareness grows through gentle guidance and connection.
A counsellor helps a child:
- Name what they feel without judgment or shame.
- Build a language for their inner world, so they can communicate what they feel inside.
- Notice and discuss body signals, tightness, warmth, fidgeting. This shows how emotions live and show up in their body.
- Understand patterns, what situations spark certain feelings and what helps them settle.
For younger children, this often happens through play, storytelling or creative expression. Through therapeutic play counsellors can help children express what they can’t yet verbalize, and begin to see connections between thoughts, feelings, and actions.
For older children and teens, counselling can help make sense of confusing emotions and normalize that all feelings have a purpose – even anger or anxiety. Over time, awareness becomes the foundation for healthier coping and more confident emotional expression.
Ultimately, counselling isn’t about “fixing” behaviour; it’s about helping a child understand themselves. Counselling first provides a safe space to lay the foundation of awareness, building the scaffolding that later strategies will need to be effective.
Need parenting help when it comes to your child’s awareness of emotions? We can do that – connect with us today.
by Fiona Scott | Dec 15, 2025 | Communication, Family, holiday, Mental Health, Parenting, Seasonal, Self Care, Teens, Tips
Let’s face it: for every Hallmark movie and overly-sentimental advert on our tv showing happy families enjoying together time in peace and harmony – there’s a very stressed-out parent, grandparent or family member trying to figure out a way for a group of people with their own issues, needs, wants and opinions to all be in the same place, at the same time, without World War III erupting …
If you add in a 2SLGBTQIA+ family member into the mix, there are many opportunities for accidental (or deliberate) offense to be given, feelings to be hurt, and opinions to be shared (whether everyone wants to hear them or not). So, if you have a 2SLGBTQIA+ teen or young adult in your family, how can you make sure to be the support they need at this time of year?
Firstly, I think it’s important to recognize that, with the current state of the world as it is, being a young 2SLGBTQIA+ individual is an extremely vulnerable place to be. And so our kiddos need adults in their life who are willing to ensure that they are protected, supported and encouraged. That is one of the reasons that the Step Forward Society has financially enabled Alongside You to start a mental health support group for 2SLGBTQIA+ youth, so that there are even more adults in these young peoples’ lives who are there to be part of their ‘team’.
In order to be the best ally you can for a young 2SLGBTQIA+ person, here are some hints, tips and suggestions. These are by no means the only things we can do – but it’s a start to the conversation.
Understand uniqueness
Please remember that every situation is different, every person is different, and every person on earth has their own set of needs to be met in order to thrive. So that’s the first tip – don’t assume! ASK. Here’s just a couple of examples: ask family members you haven’t seen for a while or don’t know well what pronouns they prefer – this normalizes the expectation that peoples’ pronouns will be respected, and makes it more likely that others in the family will follow suit. If you are organizing a family outing, ask if anyone will need access to universal/non-gendered bathroom. If you’re not sure, ask!
Help is only helpful if it’s helping!
Ask what YOUR 2SLGBTQIA+ young person would like help with – are they willing to stand up to homophobic Uncle Zebediah* when he goes on a rant or do they need you to intervene? Do they want you to engage in a stand-up fight for their rights, or would that make them want to melt into the carpet, and they’d rather just be rescued and avoid that particular discussion for another year? In our desire to be our kiddos’ dragon-slayer, and show our pride for them, it can be easy to lose track of the fact that what we’d like to do may be less important right now than what they need us to do.
‘My House, My Rules’
If you have family members who cannot be relied upon to ‘play nice in the sandbox’ around your 2SLGBTQIA+ young person, you can absolutely set the tone if you are hosting. Some families have rules around ‘no politics’, or ‘no religion’ at family gatherings – and if your kiddo is not in a good place to be questioned (or doesn’t feel like educating others, which is absolutely their right) then it is your right to set that expectation with guests in your home.
In order to save everyone embarrassment, and stop feelings running high, I would suggest that you gently and kindly bring this up prior to any large family gathering, so that the expectation is set. You could even have some allies in your family who are willing to spot any potential tinder-points and rush in to ‘deal’ with Uncle Zebediah (eg get him talking about his antique shoe polish collection).
The Great Escape
No, not the 1963 Steve McQueen movie (although that is a good flick!). I’m talking about giving the young 2SLGBTQIA+ person you are supporting options – this could look like asking them to help with younger family members (so that they’re simply not free to engage in a conversation with Uncle Zebediah). Obviously, if they enjoy kids, that’s great – but whatever plan you come up with (together with them, of course) – should be something that they enjoy, too.
Maybe this looks like a family hike, or trip to a Christmas village or lights installation, so that people are walking around, splitting into groups, having something else to focus on (and there is an opportunity for them to ‘disappear’ and gather themselves for a few minutes if they’re getting overwhelmed). Or a trip to the theatre or movies so that opportunities for conversation are naturally limited.
This could also look like making sure that your kiddo has opportunities to get out of the house and visit with their friends over the holiday, so that they have a pressure valve built in to their break. Same goes for you! Try to make sure you get opportunities to have a break, so that you can fully appreciate the holidays.
Comfort and Joy
Comfort clothing, comfort foods, comfort shows … there are many ways in which we use comfort items to help us regulate our emotions. You may have an expectation that the whole family dress up in matching Christmas PJs for photos and be frustrated if your kid doesn’t want to comply. But perhaps they’re experiencing body dysphoria and this make them feel worse about themselves, but their vintage Metallica hoody makes them feel OK.
Or perhaps you want everyone to watch ‘A Christmas Story’ and it’s frustrating that someone in your family wants to watch Brooklyn 99, or the Gilmore Girls, or a Studio Ghibli movie, again. Slaving for hours over the perfect holiday meal, only to have your kiddo rummage in the pantry for ramen noodles? I bet that raises some hackles!
My point is that we seek comfort because it helps us to cope with our emotions and, in higher stress times, the tendency is to look for the things we know well, so there are no surprises, and nothing new for our brains and nervous systems to have to adapt to. So, if you’re noticing these comfort-seeking behaviours in your 2SLGBTQIA+ child, it’s a sure sign that they’re feeling stress in some way. At this point, it’s worth asking yourself what your intention for the holiday is – do you want it all to ‘look’ the way you imagined in your mind, regardless of whether everyone is happy or not? Or do you want to make people feel at ease, encourage each member of the family to join in by meeting their needs – and in the process, have a chance to experience real joy.
Summary
There are as many options to support your young 2SLGBTQIA+ loved ones as there are colours in the Pride rainbow! But the take-away is that validating our kiddos’ feelings, paying attention to their needs and asking what truly would help them the most are all good ways to make sure that everyone has a peaceful, happy and fulfilling holiday.
All of us at Alongside You and Step Forward Society wish you a very happy, healthy and peaceful holiday season, whatever and however you celebrate.
*our apologies to anyone actually named Zebediah! No offense intended.
by Abi Olson | Oct 3, 2025 | Health, Mental Health, Parenting, Self Care, Stress
Mothers are some of the most powerful and resourceful people in our communities. Every day, they balance a multitude of roles—caregiver, professional, household manager, emotional anchor—and do so with resilience, determination, and love.
In today’s fast-paced and ever-changing world, the expectations on mothers have grown. More mothers than ever are contributing to the workforce while continuing to be the heart of their families. And while this can bring a sense of fulfillment and purpose, it also presents a very real challenge: stress.
A Changing Landscape
The number of working mothers has increased significantly over the past 50 years. According to Statistics Canada, the participation rate of mothers in the workforce has nearly doubled, from 40.5% in 1976 to 76.5% in 2021. This shift highlights not just the changing societal norms but also the immense contributions that mothers are making both at home and in the wider economy.
While the evolving role of mothers brings new opportunities, it also brings increased demands on time, energy, and mental bandwidth. Juggling work and home responsibilities can often feel like walking a tightrope.
Recognizing the Weight You Carry
Research shows that working mothers often face higher levels of stress than their non-working counterparts, with about 26% reporting high stress levels compared to 13% of stay-at-home mothers (Sohail & Imtiaz, 2018). However, this isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a testament to just how much mothers are carrying, often silently and without pause.
Stress can affect not only physical health but emotional well-being too. And while this may sound daunting, there is good news: there are powerful, accessible tools that mothers can use to support themselves. Prioritizing mental health and wellness isn’t selfish—it’s essential.
You Deserve Support and Restoration
When left unaddressed, stress can manifest in the body in many ways—fatigue, lowered immunity, anxiety, depression, and burnout. But here’s the truth: You are not powerless.
Stress doesn’t have to define your motherhood journey. It can be a signal—a nudge to care for yourself with the same compassion and intention you give to others. Investing in your well-being is a powerful act of love—for yourself, your children, and your family.
Let’s explore two effective, research-backed practices that can be integrated into even the busiest routines:
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Meditation: Small Moments, Big Shifts
Meditation is a simple, accessible tool with profound benefits for mental and physical health. You don’t need hours of solitude or expensive equipment. Even a few minutes of deep breathing or quiet reflection can shift your day.
Why meditation works:
- It’s free and time-efficient.
- It can be done anywhere—during a lunch break, before bed, or even in the car before daycare pickup.
- Studies show it reduces stress, improves emotional regulation, boosts attention, and lowers activity in the brain’s fear and stress centers.
How you can start:
- Focus on your breath for one minute.
- Do a quick body scan when you first wake up or lie down to sleep.
- Repeat a calming word, affirmation, or prayer.
Even short moments of mindfulness can create long-term resilience. In fact, meditating before a stressful event can make you more adaptable and less reactive (Dunlop, 2023).
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Nature: Healing in the Everyday
Spending time in nature—even for a few minutes—can have a deeply calming effect. While city life can be stimulating and fast-paced, nature provides the pause we often crave.
The benefits of nature exposure:
- Lowers heart rate and blood pressure
- Improves mood, memory, and focus
- Reduces symptoms of anxiety and depression
- Supports emotional regulation and overall well-being
You don’t need to escape to the mountains:
- Take a walk in a nearby park.
- Listen to nature sounds (birdsong, rain, flowing water).
- Add indoor plants to your home or workspace.
- Watch a nature video during a break.
- Pause and notice the sky, trees, or flowers while you wait in line or walk to your car.
Even just hearing nature sounds or looking at photos of natural settings can lower stress levels and restore a sense of calm (Zhang et al., 2023; Gu et al., 2022).
The Power of Reframing Self-Care
For many mothers, self-care can feel like a luxury. But in reality, it is a necessity—a non-negotiable part of maintaining your health, your energy, and your ability to show up for the people and responsibilities you love.
When mothers are well, families are well. And workplaces, communities, and society as a whole benefit. Healthy, supported mothers contribute to stronger relationships, more engaged parenting, and a healthier next generation.
Self-care isn’t about perfection or elaborate rituals. It’s about small, consistent acts of compassion toward yourself.
In Summary: You Are Worth the Care
Being a working mother is no small feat—it is a powerful act of endurance, love, and commitment. The stress you feel is valid, but it does not have to be the whole story.
By equipping yourself with simple, effective tools like meditation and nature connection, you are building resilience, restoring balance, and modelling healthy habits for your children.
Stress management isn’t just about survival—it’s about thriving. And every mother deserves the opportunity not just to make it through the day, but to feel whole, strong, and well in the process.
You are not alone in this. And you are doing an incredible job. Connect with us today if you would like more support in taking care of yourself as you care for your family.
by Jonathan Hers | Jun 6, 2025 | Children, Connection, Curiosity, Emotional, Parenting, Tips
Frequently screaming? Reacting big when faced with disappointments? Too afraid to step out in a social context? Says they are going to do something and then fails to do so? Struggles to play with those around them?
How do we understand impulsiveness as parents? What is happening and how do we help?
Understanding Impulsiveness in Children
Here are some insights that will:
- Help calm your anxiety as parents surrounding impulsiveness, and
- Clarify our role as parents when impulsivness arises in your child.
The fruits of nurturing childrens’ emotional development are significant: a child who is self-controlled, patient when frustrated, sensitive to moral issues, considerate, and able to move beyond black-and-white thinking.
Key Insight #1: Maturity Means Holding Mixed Emotions.
Maturity is the ability to sustain mixed emotions.
In contrast, impulsiveness is being motivated by a single emotion.
Example:
- Impulsive: “I’m angry, so I hit my sibling.”
- Mature: “I’m angry and I want to hit my sibling. AND, I care about them.”
BOTH exist and have potential to guide us in different directions. The goal is therefore to sustain both.
The ability to feel both emotions at the same time is the foundation of emotion regulation. This takes practice. And help from parents.
When does emotional maturity begin?
First things first, it is important to know that children do not have the ability to sustain conflicting thoughts or emotions before the age of 5.
Between the ages of 5-7, they gradually gain the capacity to register and sustain more than one feeling at a time. This is important to know. Before age 5, you, the parent are the primary emotional co-regulator.
What Is Co-Regulation and Why Is It Important?
Before the age of 5, children need you to:
- First mirror their dominant emotion: “yes, you’re angry.”
- Then offer a balancing presence: “we also care about our friend and don’t want to hurt them.”
Our job is to help them begin to feel both emotions, and learn what to do with them. Our peace meets our child’s anger. We reflect what we are seeing but do not expect them to have the skills yet to sustain mixed emotions. Your children aren’t being defiant or oppositional, they are being moved by one emotion in the moment. This is the essence of impulsiveness.
As our children develop they will slowly and naturally begin to sustain mixed emotions. It’s okay for them to have conflicting emotions; this is normal. Yes, there is a part that is mad. Yes, there is another part that is afraid of what your anger could do. Yes, there is a part that cares. All of these exist and are important to become mindful of.
Key Insight #2: Impulsiveness is Tempered by Conflicting Feelings
Dr. Gordon Neufeld says:
“The ultimate answer to aggression is for the attacking impulses to be tempered by conflicting feelings, impulses, and values.”
This is a tough insight to wrap our minds around: impulsiveness, and even aggression, aren’t the problem themselves. They are parts (be it messy…) of the process of integration and ultimately maturity (a child who is able to be self-controlled and considerate).
The Power of “Yes, AND” Parenting
Here’s a helpful way to think about it: it’s like the classic improv game called “Yes, AND,” where people do not reject an idea that is given but instead have to build on the idea by adding something more that makes the moment even better. In the same way, parents can say “yes, you want to hit. AND, you care about your classmate/brother.” This is the path to self-control: ADDING in another emotion that conflicts/ holds in tension the anger.
Humans naturally do this: as they are describing a problem or situation, they will spontaneously say, “on one hand” I feel/ want to do this, and “on the other hand” I want to do this/ or feel this.
How Mixed Emotions Lead to Emotional Strength
- Patience = Impulse to Grab + Impulse to Wait
- Courage = Impulse to Run/Hide (Fear) + Impulse to Get Something (Desire)
- Civility = Alarm + Care
Naming these mixed feelings helps develop inner capacity for self-control and social awareness.
Practical Tips for Supporting Your Child
- First, don’t say “don’t be angry.” Reflect it instead, “I see you’re angry…” “What else do you notice?” “What else do you feel?”
- Second, when emotions are really intense, this is not the time to practice. Practicing the sustaining of mixed emotions is a muscle that is grown in the right context: safe, stable parental relationship with mild to medium intensity of emotions.
When emotions are really intense the name of the game is to gather your child’s attention, get them close, get them to breathe, and then attempt to activate their cognitive abilities (get them to respond to this question: what are you doing?). This is not the moment to dive into their emotional life. Regulate through sensory engagement and move away from what is stirring them up.
Summary: How to Support Your Child’s Emotional Maturity
In a nutshell, here’s what we need to know:
- Maturity develops as our children gain the ability to sustain mixed emotions.
- We can reduce impulsiveness when we discover what else exists within our child (anger and…).
Our role as parents is to nurture a space for this spontaneous development.
How? Through trying our best to be patient with this process, getting curious about the inner world of our children, and helping our children identify and name their mixed emotions. This will help.
We’re Here to Help
Are these insights helpful for you? Do they shift how you understand your child’s behaviour?
Reach out — we’d love to hear your thoughts or help further.
by Jonathan Hers | Mar 27, 2024 | Children, Communication, Connection, Encouragement, Mental Health, Parenting, Teens, Tips
What does Family Systems teach about being Parent-Oriented?
Let me paint a fictional yet very real picture:
“I can’t take it! This yelling is killing me,” Trish cried out to her husband in frustration.
Trish: 41 years old, married to Owen, mother of two boys (Jake, 9, and Sam, 14), and working part time at a Marketing firm – sat down with her head down.
She went on, “I’m exhausted… and feel more tyrant than parent! I can’t take much more…”
So much for the classic Christmas exclamation (yes, I’m still in the Christmas/New Years reflective mode) we wish we could all shout from the rooftops: “It’s a wonderful life!”
Trish’s internal dialogue:
What an absolute battle! Shouldn’t swimming lessons be fun? Nevermind my lovely intentions for him to make some friends, something he is clearly struggling to do.
Our internal critics can be ruthless in their judgements:
The tone you used was too intense! What sort of mother screams like this at her kids? Hopefully none of the neighbors heard that. It’s hopeless! I cannot stop this yelling. Am I just a bad mother?
It’s one of those moments when you have intrusive thoughts about how you wish you could escape all the commitments you have. You are trying to uphold an image of order and yet the cracks are forming and your will power is running dangerously low.
If this is you, breathe in and out deeply. Right now. Try it. It helps. Slowly breathe in and out again. Take your time. I’ll explain in a second. This is important.
There is hope.
There are new dance moves to learn! New songs you and your family can move to.
There is hope.
Do you sense a little doubt rising up? If so, go ahead and acknowledge that part of you that is skeptical. Take a moment, and acknowledge that inner skeptic. Listen to what it’s saying. Makes sense. Change is difficult. We’ve gone down this road too many times. Hope often feels out of reach.
Well, as a therapist and fellow human (who is new to the parenting game), I want to encourage you and share some steps you can take to become that peaceful presence you long to be within your family.
Take the First Step.
I want to encourage you: walking up those stairs to confront your child, to investigate the brewing chaos, or to engage in the struggle to get your kid to swimming lessons is so important. Being a parent is a sacred duty. As much as I can through the medium of a blog, I want to say this: Well done! Parenting is so important.
Some of the biggest names in psychology and parenting – Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté – together wrote a book called Hold Onto Your Kids and they repeatedly highlight the importance of our children being attached or connected to us as their parents. Perhaps this seems obvious but, in fact, researchers are seeing a trend of children becoming increasingly more attached to their peers than their parents. This means our kids are getting their cues or primary validation from their friends over us, their parents. Do your kids lean towards being peer-oriented or parent-oriented? A helpful sign is who do they turn to when in crisis? Or this: when your child is freaking out at you it’s a sign of their safety with you.
Whatever the answer may be, your involvement is critical. And that means walking up those stairs over and over again.
I think of the movie It’s a Wonderful Life where George Bailey doubts whether his life has made any difference in light of the chaotic forces of big business creeping in and widening the inequality gap. In a moment of despair George wishes he had never lived! The classic parental exclamation: “is anything I am doing making a difference!?” Spoiler warning. George Bailey gets his wish to see what his community would look like if he never lived…and what does he discover? His life, in fact, has positively impacted countless lives. This movie is a beautiful witness to the power of a life well lived. The takeaway? Our lives, our love, and each little decision we make has a significant impact in ways that, more often than not, we will never see.
Your attention, your love, your concern for your kids, even if it comes across not perfectly, is worthwhile, essential and life changing.
Take the Next Step.
So back to our main question: how do we end this seemingly endless screaming match and attain that wonderful life we all want?
Deep breath in. And breathe out slowly.
Here’s an answer according to Family Systems research:
One of the best things you can do for your kid is to focus NOT on your kids but to focus on yourself.
What? This is a strange invitation indeed.
Hal Runkl, a seasoned family therapist, puts it this way, “We all feel incredibly anxious about our kids, and their choices, and we don’t know what to do about it. We fret and worry about how our kids will turn out. Inevitably, we’re so focused on our kids that we don’t realize when this anxiety takes over—and we get reactive.” (Runkl, 2009, p. 9).
Hal continues, “First, it’s a given that there are things in this world we can control and things we cannot control. Now ask yourself this question: How smart is it to focus your energy on something you can’t do anything about, something you cannot control? Answer: Not very. Follow-up question: Which category do your kids fall into? In other words, are your children something you can control or something you cannot control? Here’s an even tougher question: Even if you could control your kids, should you? Is that what parenting is all about? And what if it’s not the kids who are out of control?” (Runkl, 2009, p. 11).
Compelling right? Take a moment to think about that paragraph. Not fully sold yet? That’s okay. Stay with me just a bit longer so I can paint a picture of what this sort of parenting might look like.
So the natural next question to ask is: what does it look like to focus on ourselves as parents?
Take A Different Step.
It means doing what I got you to do above.
First, breathe in. Breathe out.
Then, acknowledge the parts of yourself that rose up (the inner skeptic we acknowledged earlier).
And then finally, move towards your kids.
Hal Runkl puts it this way: calm down, grow up, get close.
This sort of parenting is less about mastering the available parenting techniques but harnessing what Edwin Friedman (another family therapist) calls a “non-anxious presence.” It’s less about skills to learn and more about managing our anxiety. It’s difficult but doable. And it works!
The power of harnessing a non-anxious presence is that if change occurs in one part of the family system, it affects the entire system. When anxiety rises in one person, it instantly impacts the entire family system. Like certain house heating systems: if the temperature drops, instantly the heating system alters to adjust the temperature. Thus, as the parent, when one lowers their own anxiety (perhaps through our three steps – calm down, grow up, and get close) you will immediately impact the entire family. In fact, our heightened anxiety often creates the very outcomes it seeks to prevent (check out counterwill and Otto Rank for more on this).
This is why the first step of harnessing a non-anxious presence is breathing or getting calm. This aligns with new research that teaches us about mirror neurons which activate in those around us in response to our emotional state (Rizzolatti & Craighero, 2004). Our brains are beautifully programmed to be really good at mirroring, or “getting in tune” with those around us. So, as you manage your breathing in high intensity situations, it will impact those you are around. So, first: calm down. Breathe.
Think Things Through.
Some questions to ponder related to our first step: what situations with your children make you the most reactive? What is said that typically triggers you? What are you feeling at that moment? Have you ever remained calm in the midst of family chaos? How did that affect those around you?
The second step – grow up – is about how we handle the anxiety that is inherent in our families. It’s about avoiding speedy responses (emotional reactivity), increasing our self-awareness, and taking time to really think.
Can you, in the heat of the moment as you walk up the stairs in response to the apparent chaos brewing, acknowledge the sadness, anger, and anxiety in you that is rising up?
Hal puts it this way, “the only way to retain a position of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves” (Runkl, 2009, p. 16). Part of growing up, and thus infusing peace into our families, is our ability to embrace the emotional intensity present, the painful words unleashed, and the immediate discomfort for long-term pay-off. This is the process of maturity: our sacred responsibility as parents.
“I hate you!” “You’re no fun… I want to go out Friday night.” “I don’t know how to do this homework!”
Cue anxiety. Do you feel it in your shoulders? This anxiety leads to two usual responses: Scream or avoid! Instead, each time this anxiety rises up it is an opportunity for us to grow up. And this process of pausing, thinking, and becoming aware of our own emotions, gives us enough space to think and respond from a non-anxious position… or as close as we can get to it.
So, the second step is to grow up: embrace your own anxiety, name the thoughts and emotions that come up, and take a moment to think.
I’ll keep the third step simple. The final step is to get close, which simply means remaining connected. From this place of calm move towards your kids.
The Take Home Message.
Let’s put this all together:
Your kids are fighting upstairs. Your heart rate starts to increase.. Angry thoughts start to arrive: “I’ve got dinner to make…I just put out five different fires today and now this kid is at it again!” These intrusive thoughts and more flood your brain.
Here is what you need to do.
Walk upstairs… slow your pace… (unless danger is truly on the table… but it probably isn’t)…. Breathe in and out… attempt to slow your heart rate… even a little bit. Become aware of the part of you that is angry… where do you experience it? What is its job for you? Then, enter the room…
In conclusion, peace enters our families not in the way we expect, not through focusing on our kids – something we cannot or shouldn’t control – but through focusing on ourselves. Calming down, growing up, and getting close.
References
Neufeld, G., & Maté, G. (2004). Hold On to Your Kids: why parents need to matter more than peers. Vintage Canada.
Rizzolatti, G., & Craighero, L. (2004). The mirror-neuron system. Annu. Rev. Neurosci., 27, 169-192.
Runkel, H. E. (2009). Screamfree parenting: The revolutionary approach to raising your kids by keeping your cool. Broadway.
by Jonathan Hers | Jan 2, 2024 | Children, Communication, Mental Health, Parenting, Teens
You walk in the door just in time to hear the wail of your daughter screaming as she runs into your arms.
Oh, Gosh! So much for decompressing! You quickly check for any significant battle wounds as you hold down the urge to get angry and start screaming yourself.
Her older brother peeks his head around the corner yelling, “It’s her fault! She started it!”
You’ve just entered a crime scene and have been invited into the position of judge and jury. How many times have we played this game, conducting a fact finding mission to solve the given mystery? What is clear is that these sorts of behaviours from your son have been increasingly frequent, even finding their way to school. Just last week your son was in the principal’s office.
What is happening!? This is a great question. The first question is not: HOW do I stop this aggression? But first: WHY is this behaviour happening? What we see is critical, and changes our parenting strategies.
Understanding Aggression in Kids
Here are a few things you might benefit from knowing when your child erupts with aggressive behaviours.
Beneath these aggressive behaviours are two subterranean forces that, when understood, can enhance your ability to connect with your child, help them avoid getting to the point of aggression, and ultimately help them mature and develop.
Being a Kid is Frustrating
The first step is to see their frustration. This is different from anger or aggression. Frustration is fundamental to life. From the second we are born we are met with things to be frustrated by: the absence of the safety and warmth of the womb, red lights that get in our way of getting to school on time, friends that are not available to talk when we call, our to-do lists that aren’t completed. Frustration is natural; a goal we have is not achieved, a need we have that is not fulfilled, or, at very least, the pursuit of a given goal or need is complicated.
When we are frustrated, we have a natural response: we attempt to change the situation. This is normal. However, often we find out quickly that much of life consists of things, people, and external factors that we CANNOT change. We hit the wall of futility. Something is going to happen, or is happening, that we cannot change. Despite the advances in science and technology that have allowed us to do so much that a few generations ago would have seemed impossible, this wall of futility is natural and normal.
Crying (or at Least Sadness) is Crucial
Second, what happens at this nexus is so important: we cry. Tears form in our eyes. Or a sense of disappointment gets stirred. This is normal. In fact, Dr. Gordon Neufeld says this is critical to our human ability to adapt and mature. No tears = no adaptation. A powerful insight to contemplate. Take a moment to think of all the times your child cries. Take a moment to reframe these tears as an essential part of their human experience. They are reckoning with the limits that life gives us. And this is healthy, part of their minds adapting, forming, growing as they mourn their inability to change what stands before them. How does this shift what you are seeing? Do you sense the respect rising for this process?
What happens when there are no tears? Aggression. Dr. Gordon Neufeld teaches that “when futility is NOT felt we get aggressive.” The tears are signals that futility is being FELT. We can be sad without tears but often tears are the natural expression of this felt futility.
So, it’s important to know that all this has to happen for aggressive behaviours to rise to the forefront.
What Are the Next Steps With My Child’s Aggression?
These insights now lead to some critical questions to ask when helping your child with aggression:
- Where is their frustration?
- What is the source of my child’s frustration?
- Where are their tears of futility?
- How can I identify and help my child express their tears of futility?
Dr. Gordon Neufeld describes the ideal position of the parent as both an agent of futility and an angel of comfort. This invitation is powerful. You are not a bad parent if you stop your child from getting what they want in every situation, even when this frustrates them, AND you get to be with your child in their disappointment and tears. It is essential to play both of these roles as a parent. We are double agents! This tension of saying no while also acknowledging their sadness is necessary for each child’s development and maturity.
Acknowledging these two key factors is a bottom-up approach to addressing aggression in children versus using social isolation or consequences as top-down attempts at stopping aggressive behaviours. Neufeld articulates that these two behavioural strategies often can backfire and create more frustration and less chance of children getting to their tears (key for their growth and maturity).
So How Do We Help Aggression in Kids?
Let’s look at these insights with the situation of your son’s hitting behaviour:
Yes, we need to stop your daughter getting hurt. So do that.
AND we need to see what is happening with your son within the context of these subterranean forces:
Where is his frustration? Does he feel disempowered at school? Is he feeling inadequate in his course work? Is he disappointed / frustrated at his height amidst other taller boys? Was he scared walking home from school alone and left judging himself for having this fearful reaction? Did his sister fail to consider him during their game?
Where are his tears? Can he express where he is experiencing the futility of life? Is he hungry for parental attention and hasn’t had a safe context to express these frustrated realities? How can I gather my child, collect his attention, and help him move from mad to sad?
This is the direction to go. It doesn’t solve immediate decisions like defusing intense situations but these two questions give you a direction to go in. Find the frustration. Find the tears. It’s not a quick fix solution to use, but it is the path that sets your child up to mature, adapt, and grow.
If you could use some help understanding and addressing your child’s aggressive behaviour, we’re here for you. Lean on us. We know that most of this is new – we didn’t grow up with this knowledge or understanding, and now we’re trying to understand it and put it into our relationships with our kids to help them thrive. It’s not easy, and we’re happy to help.
