You walk in the door just in time to hear the wail of your daughter screaming as she runs into your arms.
Oh, Gosh! So much for decompressing! You quickly check for any significant battle wounds as you hold down the urge to get angry and start screaming yourself.
Her older brother peeks his head around the corner yelling, “It’s her fault! She started it!”
You’ve just entered a crime scene and have been invited into the position of judge and jury. How many times have we played this game, conducting a fact finding mission to solve the given mystery? What is clear is that these sorts of behaviours from your son have been increasingly frequent, even finding their way to school. Just last week your son was in the principal’s office.
What is happening!? This is a great question. The first question is not: HOW do I stop this aggression? But first: WHY is this behaviour happening? What we see is critical, and changes our parenting strategies.
Understanding Aggression in Kids
Here are a few things you might benefit from knowing when your child erupts with aggressive behaviours.
Beneath these aggressive behaviours are two subterranean forces that, when understood, can enhance your ability to connect with your child, help them avoid getting to the point of aggression, and ultimately help them mature and develop.
Being a Kid is Frustrating
The first step is to see their frustration. This is different from anger or aggression. Frustration is fundamental to life. From the second we are born we are met with things to be frustrated by: the absence of the safety and warmth of the womb, red lights that get in our way of getting to school on time, friends that are not available to talk when we call, our to-do lists that aren’t completed. Frustration is natural; a goal we have is not achieved, a need we have that is not fulfilled, or, at very least, the pursuit of a given goal or need is complicated.
When we are frustrated, we have a natural response: we attempt to change the situation. This is normal. However, often we find out quickly that much of life consists of things, people, and external factors that we CANNOT change. We hit the wall of futility. Something is going to happen, or is happening, that we cannot change. Despite the advances in science and technology that have allowed us to do so much that a few generations ago would have seemed impossible, this wall of futility is natural and normal.
Crying (or at Least Sadness) is Crucial
Second, what happens at this nexus is so important: we cry. Tears form in our eyes. Or a sense of disappointment gets stirred. This is normal. In fact, Dr. Gordon Neufeld says this is critical to our human ability to adapt and mature. No tears = no adaptation. A powerful insight to contemplate. Take a moment to think of all the times your child cries. Take a moment to reframe these tears as an essential part of their human experience. They are reckoning with the limits that life gives us. And this is healthy, part of their minds adapting, forming, growing as they mourn their inability to change what stands before them. How does this shift what you are seeing? Do you sense the respect rising for this process?
What happens when there are no tears? Aggression. Dr. Gordon Neufeld teaches that “when futility is NOT felt we get aggressive.” The tears are signals that futility is being FELT. We can be sad without tears but often tears are the natural expression of this felt futility.
So, it’s important to know that all this has to happen for aggressive behaviours to rise to the forefront.
What Are the Next Steps With My Child’s Aggression?
These insights now lead to some critical questions to ask when helping your child with aggression:
- Where is their frustration?
- What is the source of my child’s frustration?
- Where are their tears of futility?
- How can I identify and help my child express their tears of futility?
Dr. Gordon Neufeld describes the ideal position of the parent as both an agent of futility and an angel of comfort. This invitation is powerful. You are not a bad parent if you stop your child from getting what they want in every situation, even when this frustrates them, AND you get to be with your child in their disappointment and tears. It is essential to play both of these roles as a parent. We are double agents! This tension of saying no while also acknowledging their sadness is necessary for each child’s development and maturity.
Acknowledging these two key factors is a bottom-up approach to addressing aggression in children versus using social isolation or consequences as top-down attempts at stopping aggressive behaviours. Neufeld articulates that these two behavioural strategies often can backfire and create more frustration and less chance of children getting to their tears (key for their growth and maturity).
So How Do We Help Aggression in Kids?
Let’s look at these insights with the situation of your son’s hitting behaviour:
Yes, we need to stop your daughter getting hurt. So do that.
AND we need to see what is happening with your son within the context of these subterranean forces:
Where is his frustration? Does he feel disempowered at school? Is he feeling inadequate in his course work? Is he disappointed / frustrated at his height amidst other taller boys? Was he scared walking home from school alone and left judging himself for having this fearful reaction? Did his sister fail to consider him during their game?
Where are his tears? Can he express where he is experiencing the futility of life? Is he hungry for parental attention and hasn’t had a safe context to express these frustrated realities? How can I gather my child, collect his attention, and help him move from mad to sad?
This is the direction to go. It doesn’t solve immediate decisions like defusing intense situations but these two questions give you a direction to go in. Find the frustration. Find the tears. It’s not a quick fix solution to use, but it is the path that sets your child up to mature, adapt, and grow.
If you could use some help understanding and addressing your child’s aggressive behaviour, we’re here for you. Lean on us. We know that most of this is new – we didn’t grow up with this knowledge or understanding, and now we’re trying to understand it and put it into our relationships with our kids to help them thrive. It’s not easy, and we’re happy to help.