by Marcia Moitoso | Nov 7, 2025 | Mental Health, Mental Health Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Safety, Trauma
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a powerful, empirically supported psychotherapy developed to treat post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and a range of related conditions. At its core, EMDR helps people access and reprocess distressing experiences that continue to shape their current emotions, beliefs, and behaviors. By engaging the brain’s natural healing mechanisms, EMDR allows individuals to move toward genuine resolution and relief.
What is EMDR and How Does it Work?
If you’re new to EMDR or would like a refresher, I recommend starting with Kathryn Priest-Peries’s excellent overview, What on Earth Is EMDR?, which explains the process in detail from a client-centered perspective. You can also take a look at this video from the EMDR International Association which walks through each step of EMDR treatment.
In its standard form, EMDR follows a well-defined, eight-phase protocol. This structured approach produces reliable results for many people who have experienced trauma or ongoing distress. However, when someone presents with Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), or significant dissociation, EMDR therapists with advanced training make important modifications. These adjustments are designed to ensure safety, stabilize the nervous system, and support the client’s readiness to process painful memories effectively.
At its foundation, EMDR rests on the understanding that the human brain is inherently equipped to heal from painful experiences, much like the body naturally heals from physical wounds. When a traumatic event overwhelms our capacity to cope, the brain’s natural healing process can become “stuck,” leaving distressing memories unprocessed. EMDR uses a combination of focused attention, guided dialogue, and bilateral stimulation (such as eye movements, tapping, or sounds) to help the brain resume that innate healing process.
This process is guided by the Adaptive Information Processing (AIP) model. In simple terms, the AIP model suggests that healing occurs when the brain can connect painful or overwhelming memories with other, healthier information already stored in its memory networks. When these connections form, the emotional intensity and distorted beliefs attached to the traumatic memory begin to resolve, allowing the person to experience the past as truly in the past.
A Simple Example
Imagine someone who experiences a hit-and-run accident. Afterwards, they develop flashbacks and a constant sense of danger while driving. Suppose this person grew up in a safe, supportive environment where emotions were expressed and validated. They come to EMDR therapy to address their anxiety and flashbacks.
During treatment, the EMDR process helps their brain link the traumatic event with earlier experiences of safety, trust, and competence. As the nervous system reorients toward those adaptive experiences, the distress naturally diminishes and the person creates new meaning around the experience. The person begins to feel calm, grounded, and confident behind the wheel again—often after only a few sessions.
This is how standard EMDR is designed to work—and for many people, it works beautifully.
But what happens when someone did not grow up in a safe or nurturing environment, or when their life has involved years of chronic trauma or neglect? That’s where EMDR for Complex PTSD, dissociative disorders, and survivors of early trauma becomes more nuanced.
EMDR for Complex PTSD, Dissociative Disorders, and Survivors of Early Neglect or Trauma
When someone has endured years of chronic trauma, neglect, or instability (especially during childhood), EMDR often needs to look different from the standard approach described above. There are two main reasons for this:
- Limited access to adaptive information
As mentioned earlier, standard EMDR relies on the brain’s ability to connect a painful memory with more adaptive, healthy experiences. For example, the nervous system might recall the sense of safety or comfort that existed before the traumatic event, allowing the brain to “update” the old memory with new meaning: I survived; I’m safe now.
However, for many people who grew up in unsafe or unpredictable environments, there were few experiences of consistent emotional or physical safety. Instead of learning people are generally good and I am worthy of care, the brain internalizes the opposite messages: people are dangerous, and I am bad or unworthy. Without those adaptive reference points, the standard EMDR process has little healthy material to connect to.
- Overwhelm and dissociation
Even if someone has experienced moments of safety, years of chronic stress or trauma can make it extremely difficult to access that information. When the nervous system has been in survival mode for long periods, the brain may rely on an extreme form of coping called structural dissociation – essentially, deep compartmentalization of experience.
In this state, the brain “walls off” traumatic memories or emotions in order to function day to day. This strategy allows for survival but often leads to distressing symptoms later on: flashbacks, emotional numbness, gaps in memory, or sudden shifts in mood or behaviour. Because the traumatic memories remain unprocessed, they continue to intrude – sometimes as nightmares, body sensations, or painful beliefs about the self.
In some cases, the mind may even organize into distinct “parts” or self-states, each holding different emotions, memories, or survival strategies. Someone might notice that one part of them feels calm and capable, while another part feels terrified, angry, or shut down. These experiences are not “imagined”—they reflect the brain’s adaptive effort to manage what once felt unbearable.
For this reason, basic EMDR, which begins directly with traumatic memories, can feel overwhelming or even destabilizing.
How EMDR Is Adapted for Complex Trauma
Unlike standard EMDR, we don’t start with the memories. It is often too overwhelming for a person who has sustained prolonged trauma to start by going straight for memories. Instead we work through the trauma in a series of layers
Layer 1: Installing adaptive information
Before processing trauma, we first establish internal and relational safety. Using bilateral stimulation and the supportive relationship with the therapist, we begin to “install” experiences of calm, safety, and self-compassion—sometimes in very small, manageable doses. This stage also includes learning about how trauma affects the brain and body, which helps clients make sense of their reactions and realize that what they’re experiencing is a normal response to overwhelming events.
Many people begin to notice subtle but meaningful shifts here, such as the emerging belief: I’m not bad, and not all people are unsafe. I went through terrible experiences that shaped those beliefs, but they are not the whole truth of who I am.
Layer 2: Addressing fears about healing
For those who have lived with trauma for a long time, even the idea of healing can feel scary. There may be fears about feeling emotions, remembering painful events, or losing control. Using EMDR techniques, we work through these fears in the present moment, gently calming the nervous system so it can tolerate greater safety and emotional processing.
Layer 3: Working with parts of self
Because complex trauma often leads to internal fragmentation, EMDR therapists may integrate elements of parts work, such as concepts from Internal Family Systems (IFS). This helps clients recognize and build communication between their different self-states. As compassion and understanding grow within the internal system, the mind begins to feel less divided and more cohesive.
Layer 4: Processing traumatic memories
Only when there is sufficient stability and internal cooperation do we begin to process traumatic memories directly—and even then, this looks gentler than standard EMDR. The therapist offers ongoing guidance, helping ensure that the client remains grounded and resourced throughout. Over time, the once-fragmented memories integrate into a coherent story that no longer overwhelms the nervous system and is experienced as truly in the past. People notice many of their symptoms resolve and they begin to feel more whole.
A Final Note
This process can sound complex—and it is—but for those who have lived through years of trauma, it’s a thoughtful, compassionate, and profoundly hopeful path toward healing. EMDR therapists with advanced training in complex trauma and dissociation understand this work deeply and serve as steady guides throughout the process.
I’ve had the privilege of witnessing many clients heal from experiences that once felt impossible to face. If you have questions about whether EMDR might be appropriate for you or someone you care about, please reach out. We’re always happy to explain how this approach can be safely and effectively tailored to your unique needs. We’re here for you.
If you’re an EMDR clinician looking to hone your skills in working with clients who present with C-PTSD, we also offer EMDR consultation. Please reach out to us for more details.
by Abi Olson | Oct 3, 2025 | Health, Mental Health, Parenting, Self Care, Stress
Mothers are some of the most powerful and resourceful people in our communities. Every day, they balance a multitude of roles—caregiver, professional, household manager, emotional anchor—and do so with resilience, determination, and love.
In today’s fast-paced and ever-changing world, the expectations on mothers have grown. More mothers than ever are contributing to the workforce while continuing to be the heart of their families. And while this can bring a sense of fulfillment and purpose, it also presents a very real challenge: stress.
A Changing Landscape
The number of working mothers has increased significantly over the past 50 years. According to Statistics Canada, the participation rate of mothers in the workforce has nearly doubled, from 40.5% in 1976 to 76.5% in 2021. This shift highlights not just the changing societal norms but also the immense contributions that mothers are making both at home and in the wider economy.
While the evolving role of mothers brings new opportunities, it also brings increased demands on time, energy, and mental bandwidth. Juggling work and home responsibilities can often feel like walking a tightrope.
Recognizing the Weight You Carry
Research shows that working mothers often face higher levels of stress than their non-working counterparts, with about 26% reporting high stress levels compared to 13% of stay-at-home mothers (Sohail & Imtiaz, 2018). However, this isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a testament to just how much mothers are carrying, often silently and without pause.
Stress can affect not only physical health but emotional well-being too. And while this may sound daunting, there is good news: there are powerful, accessible tools that mothers can use to support themselves. Prioritizing mental health and wellness isn’t selfish—it’s essential.
You Deserve Support and Restoration
When left unaddressed, stress can manifest in the body in many ways—fatigue, lowered immunity, anxiety, depression, and burnout. But here’s the truth: You are not powerless.
Stress doesn’t have to define your motherhood journey. It can be a signal—a nudge to care for yourself with the same compassion and intention you give to others. Investing in your well-being is a powerful act of love—for yourself, your children, and your family.
Let’s explore two effective, research-backed practices that can be integrated into even the busiest routines:
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Meditation: Small Moments, Big Shifts
Meditation is a simple, accessible tool with profound benefits for mental and physical health. You don’t need hours of solitude or expensive equipment. Even a few minutes of deep breathing or quiet reflection can shift your day.
Why meditation works:
- It’s free and time-efficient.
- It can be done anywhere—during a lunch break, before bed, or even in the car before daycare pickup.
- Studies show it reduces stress, improves emotional regulation, boosts attention, and lowers activity in the brain’s fear and stress centers.
How you can start:
- Focus on your breath for one minute.
- Do a quick body scan when you first wake up or lie down to sleep.
- Repeat a calming word, affirmation, or prayer.
Even short moments of mindfulness can create long-term resilience. In fact, meditating before a stressful event can make you more adaptable and less reactive (Dunlop, 2023).
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Nature: Healing in the Everyday
Spending time in nature—even for a few minutes—can have a deeply calming effect. While city life can be stimulating and fast-paced, nature provides the pause we often crave.
The benefits of nature exposure:
- Lowers heart rate and blood pressure
- Improves mood, memory, and focus
- Reduces symptoms of anxiety and depression
- Supports emotional regulation and overall well-being
You don’t need to escape to the mountains:
- Take a walk in a nearby park.
- Listen to nature sounds (birdsong, rain, flowing water).
- Add indoor plants to your home or workspace.
- Watch a nature video during a break.
- Pause and notice the sky, trees, or flowers while you wait in line or walk to your car.
Even just hearing nature sounds or looking at photos of natural settings can lower stress levels and restore a sense of calm (Zhang et al., 2023; Gu et al., 2022).
The Power of Reframing Self-Care
For many mothers, self-care can feel like a luxury. But in reality, it is a necessity—a non-negotiable part of maintaining your health, your energy, and your ability to show up for the people and responsibilities you love.
When mothers are well, families are well. And workplaces, communities, and society as a whole benefit. Healthy, supported mothers contribute to stronger relationships, more engaged parenting, and a healthier next generation.
Self-care isn’t about perfection or elaborate rituals. It’s about small, consistent acts of compassion toward yourself.
In Summary: You Are Worth the Care
Being a working mother is no small feat—it is a powerful act of endurance, love, and commitment. The stress you feel is valid, but it does not have to be the whole story.
By equipping yourself with simple, effective tools like meditation and nature connection, you are building resilience, restoring balance, and modelling healthy habits for your children.
Stress management isn’t just about survival—it’s about thriving. And every mother deserves the opportunity not just to make it through the day, but to feel whole, strong, and well in the process.
You are not alone in this. And you are doing an incredible job. Connect with us today if you would like more support in taking care of yourself as you care for your family.
by Matt Hislop | Sep 29, 2025 | Grief, Mental Health
Grief is a deeply personal and human experience. We all relate to it in unique ways. How we were raised—along with social, cultural, faith-based, and family messages—greatly influences how we process and express the grief we experience.
What Is Grief?
Grief is the emotional response to any kind of loss. This can include the passing of a loved one, the loss of a job, a relationship, or even a dream. Loss comes in many forms, and it’s important to remember that your loss matters.
Acknowledging your loss allows you to begin exploring how you want to relate to your grief. While grief may look different from person to person, it is a universal human experience. Expressing grief in your own way is not only valid—it’s part of being human.
How Do I Relate to Grief?
Grief can be confusing and overwhelming. I often remind clients that grief is a journey, and there is no “right” way to feel or respond. Emotions such as sadness, fear, shame, and guilt may come up—sometimes all at once. Interestingly, grief can also bring unexpected feelings like joy or gratitude. This is all a normal part of the grieving process.
Two theories I’ve found especially helpful in working with grief are the Continuing Bonds theory and the Dual Process Model:
Continuing Bonds
The Continuing Bonds theory was introduced by Klass, Silverman, and Nickman. It centers around maintaining a relationship with someone after they have died. Ask yourself:
• What does that connection look like now?
• How do I want to relate to this loss?
• What role does ceremony or ritual play in this connection?
Continuing Bonds encourages us to explore ways to stay connected emotionally, spiritually, or symbolically with the person we’ve lost. For some, continuing to speak to their loved one, writing letters, or creating meaningful rituals is a comforting practice.
Dual Process Model
The Dual Process Model of Grief, developed by Stroebe and Schut, views grief as a dynamic and non-linear experience. It suggests that we oscillate between two states:
• Loss-oriented (focused on the pain and emotions of the loss)
• Restoration-oriented (focused on adapting and rebuilding life without the person or thing we’ve lost)
While this back-and-forth can feel frustrating or disorienting, it’s actually a healthy way to process grief. Emotional flexibility allows space to feel deeply while also slowly re-engaging with life. This model normalizes the mixed emotions of grief and helps us identify which feelings are most present and need attention.
The Role of Ceremony
Ceremony can be a powerful resource in grief. It offers a structured and meaningful way to honor the loss, mark transitions, and express emotions. Ceremonies are a universal human tradition, practiced across cultures, ages, and spiritual beliefs.
I often encourage clients to explore their family histories and cultural backgrounds to discover what types of ceremonies or rituals might help support them in their grieving process.
Common Humanity and Self-Compassion
A vital part of working with grief is learning to show compassion to yourself.
Dr. Kristin Neff’s work on Self-Compassion highlights “Common Humanity” as a key element. This concept reminds us that although we are in pain, we are not alone. Others struggle just like us, and knowing this can create a sense of connection even in our most isolated moments.
Recognizing that others have walked similar paths—either in the past or right now—can help you feel less alone. In times of deep emotional pain, that sense of belonging can be incredibly healing.
Final Thoughts
Grief is hard. It’s messy. It’s deeply human. But remember this:
Your loss matters. And you are not alone.
We’re here for you. Please connect with us if you would like to speak with a counsellor about your grief.
Recommended Resources
Books
- It’s OK That You’re Not OK – Megan Devine
- Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself – Dr. Kristin Neff
- Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief – David KesslerEmbers: One Ojibway’s Meditations – Richard Wagamese
Websites
- www.refugeingrief.com
- grief.com – Finding Meaning by David Kessler
Support
- British Columbia Bereavement Helpline
www.bcbh.ca
by Meg Neufeld | Sep 5, 2025 | Children, Health, Mental Health, Reflection
For much of my childhood, Children’s Hospital was a second home—not because I was a patient, but because my twin sister was. Before the age of 17, she underwent 18 surgeries for a rare genetic condition and profound hearing loss. I spent countless hours at her bedside and in the children’s wing activity room, learning early on what it meant to wait.
And there is a lot of waiting in the hospital. Waiting for test results. Waiting for doctors’ rounds. Waiting for nurse checks and more testing. As a sibling, you don’t just watch the clock—you feel every slow tick of it. But I remember that Children’s had something that could make those hours lighter- activity and colouring pages. Years later, in 1995, The Hospital Activity Book For Children was created.
As a university student babysitting a three-year-old with leukemia, I saw it from a different angle. We spent many afternoons in the hospital, alternating between VeggieTales episodes and working through The Hospital Activity Book together. It wasn’t just about passing time—it was about creating small moments of fun, calm, and connection in an otherwise stressful place with puzzles, word searches, short stories, fun facts, and accessible educational content.
Fast forward again to when I became a parent. During visits to Children’s with my own daughter, I once again found myself in waiting rooms, searching for ways to entertain her before appointments. And once again, The Hospital Activity Book was there. It was a godsend—a positive form of distraction, an easy way to pass the time, and a reminder that even in medical spaces, joy and creativity have a place.
These experiences have stayed with me and shaped much of my work today. Having a twin with a rare condition taught me the value of accessibility and adaptability. In my family, making art was something we could all do together, regardless of ability. That foundation helped me learn how to adapt the art-making process to the environment and the unique needs of participants—a skill I now use daily in my work at Alongside You.
At Alongside You, we believe deeply in the power of creativity for healing and connection. Our arts and health programs are built on the idea that art can provide comfort, foster connection, and support mental well-being in even the most challenging circumstances. That’s why supporting initiatives like The Hospital Activity Book matters so much to us. It’s more than just paper and puzzles—it’s a lifeline of creativity for kids, siblings, and parents who need a moment of light in the middle of uncertainty.
So when we partner with and support The Hospital Activity Book, it’s personal. We know, firsthand, the difference it makes. And we are honoured to help ensure that children and families across Canada have access to those same moments of joy, distraction, and creative connection that once meant so much to me.
You can learn more about The Hospital Activity Book here: https://www.habfc.com/
by Fiona Scott | Aug 22, 2025 | Curiosity, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Self Care, Self Confidence, Tips
Many of us have heard of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), which is a beneficial and effective therapy to help us change our thoughts and behaviours. However, you may have had Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) recommended to you and wondered ‘what’s the difference?’.
What’s different about Dialectical Behaviour Therapy?
DBT is one of several valuable therapies which came out of the CBT tradition. Dr. Marsha Linehan, who developed the DBT framework, started her career by working with some of the most distressing symptoms which we see as counsellors – suicide attempts, self-harm, addictions and hopelessness. Part of the reason she did that was because – well, she’d been there herself1.
What’s with that word: ‘dialectical’?
The ’dialectical’ in DBT just means opposing – and we come across so many examples of that in our own lives. In DBT, we recognize that there are some things about ourselves and our lives that we may not like, but we have to accept in order to make progress. On the other hand, there are things which we can change, and if we can, we must. This apparent contradiction between acceptance and change (and how to tell the difference), is super-important, and can be very empowering.
DBT is a skills-based therapy. This can seem daunting, because there are quite a few skills to learn, and a full course of DBT skills here at Alongside You takes 24 weeks. However, let’s break down why this may be necessary. We can probably all agree that circumstances in our childhood may get in the way of us learning certain skills (eg emotion regulation). This will mean that, as adults, we will have to learn those skills. We often feel great shame about not having all this ‘at our fingertips’ – but if nobody had ever taught us to read, would we really be surprised if we struggled? Of course not! So we can start removing the shame, and working on learning the skills that will allow us to thrive.
Do I have to have BPD to benefit from DBT?
If you Google DBT, you are going to see reference to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Often, DBT is recommended for BPD which is a distressing condition resulting in difficulties regulating our emotions. It’s clear that adverse childhood experiences are implicated in this condition (some sources suggest up to 90% of clients with BPD have experienced childhood trauma2).
However, this is NOT the only reason to attend a DBT skills group. DBT is a safe and effective therapy for many problems, including:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- suicidal ideation
- self-harming
- rejection sensitivity dysphoria
- and many more3.
I can say, as someone who facilitates these groups, that I personally use these skills every single day of my life. They are practical, simple to understand and relatively easy to implement. That being said, as with every single therapy or intervention, we will get out of it exactly what we put in. The more we practice, the better we’ll get and the easier it will become.
Does it have to be in a group?
Before I became a counsellor, the idea of ‘group therapy’ was something I would totally have rejected. I had a LOT of preconceptions (mostly based on tv and movies!) and a fear of sharing my ‘stuff’ in public. However, having been part of several groups now, I have seen (and felt) the benefits of being in groups. Firstly, concerns about confidentiality can be worrying – however confidentiality is absolutely the first thing we cover in group. Remember, others will be as careful of keeping your stuff private as they hope you’ll be in keeping their info safe! More than anything else, having the opportunity to share your experiences with others who really ‘get it’ and won’t judge you is a truly validating and safe experience. Being able to learn from others’ experiences, have them learn from you and share your triumphs and failures in a supportive environment cannot be overstated. It really is kind of magical – and highly-effective.
Being Effective
Talking about being effective, that’s one of the words you’ll hear most frequently in DBT. Once we start letting go of that judgement (which means letting go of our iron grip on ‘good and bad’ or ‘right and wrong’), we need a helpful way to assess our behaviour and how well it serves us. Enter ‘effectiveness’. Are the behaviours we are exhibiting effective in getting what we want? Or do they make us less effective? It’s a very powerful way for us to evaluate what we’re doing, and how things change when we change.
Freedom Through Control
So, here’s the ultimate ‘dialectic’ (or opposing) concept. When we aren’t good at regulating our emotions, very often our emotions do the reacting and behaving for us. If you’ve ever felt like you are watching yourself having a meltdown while completely unable to do anything about it – your emotions are in the driving seat. Paradoxically, when we gain more control over our emotions, it allows us to choose our response and our behaviour. When we have choices, we gain true freedom. This absolutely does not mean that we learn to squash our emotions down, or ignore them – quite the opposite. By giving them permission to be felt, we can learn how to cope with unpleasant or upsetting feelings, and deal with them in a better way than acting out, hurting others or hating ourselves.
I’m Interested – Now What?
Here is a link to an interview with Dr. Marsha Linehan which explains the essence and basics of DBT4. If you are interested in joining our fall group (starting October 28th), please contact us here to find out more. We look forward to answering any questions you might have!
Citations
1 Full Audiobook (Ed.). (2025, June 12). Building a Life Worth Living: A Memoir Audiobook by Marsha M. Linehan. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4x11qE6F-0&ab_channel=FullAudiobook
2 Bozzatello, P., Rocca, P., Baldassarri, L., Bosia, M., & Bellino, S. (2021). The Role of Trauma in Early Onset Borderline Personality Disorder: A Biopsychosocial Perspective. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12, 721361. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.721361
3 Core Evidence & Research. Behavioural Tech Institute. (n.d.). https://behavioraltech.org/evidence/
4 HSE Ireland. (2014, December 14). Marsha Linehan – Interview. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR7Oi0cyoVo&ab_channel=HSEIreland
by Lauren Tiede | Jul 15, 2025 | Curiosity, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Self Care, Self Confidence, Tips
Living authentically will vary from person to person. But an overarching explanation is living in a way that is aligned with your values and beliefs, rather than listening to and conforming to external expectations and pressures. It involves choosing with intention and accepting our vulnerability and imperfections. It is the courage to be who you are, by being honest with yourself and listening to yourself, even when you’re feeling sad, scared, or unsure. It’s not about constantly chasing happiness or avoiding discomfort, but about being present and true, even when it’s hard. This might look like saying, “This is what I actually feel,” instead of, “This is what I should feel.”
Why is it hard to live authentically?
Living in a world that constantly tells us who to be can make it challenging to connect with what we truly want or who we are. Other factors, like culture, societal expectations, childhood experiences, and trauma, can also make it challenging to live authentically. These external influences can leave us feeling like we have to perform or hide who we are to be accepted and liked.
But living authentically doesn’t mean doing everything on your own or shutting people out. It also doesn’t mean ignoring others’ opinions or advice, it’s about finding a balance. It means being open to feedback that helps you grow, without letting it shut out your own voice. It’s about being who you are, messy, growing, and just as you are.
Signs you may be living inauthentically
As we are being flooded with messages telling us who to be, how we should look, what success should mean, and how we’re supposed to feel or act, over time, all these messages can pull us away from who we really are. We adapt, we perform, we try to fit in. And often, we end up pushing down parts of ourselves to please others or meet expectations. While this might help us feel accepted, they can take a toll on ourselves. We may struggle with depression, low self-esteem, and feel disconnected from relationships. We can’t deeply connect with others if we are hiding our true selves.
Common signs of inauthentic living
- Feeling a lack of direction and purpose
- Feeling like something is missing
- Constantly seeking external validation
- Suppressing your opinion to please others
- Constantly comparing yourself to others
- Living by “shoulds”
- Having difficulty making decisions
Ways to start living authentically
Living authentically doesn’t mean being bold all the time or rejecting every outside expectation. It’s more about making small, intentional choices that reflect what really matters to you, your values, even when it’s uncomfortable. And that often starts with simply noticing when you’re overriding your needs, when you’re performing, or when you’re living by “shoulds” that were never really yours to begin with.
It can begin with teasing apart your values and beliefs from those that have been imposed on you. This can be challenging, as we are constantly being overwhelmed with messages from a young age. But living authentically involves small, honest actions. It’s about being real, even if that means disappointing others to stay true to yourself. This could look like:
- Taking a moment to reflect on your values, what matters to you, rather than what you’ve been told should matter
- Noticing when you feel like you’re performing or putting on a front for others
- Taking a small step by saying no when you don’t have the capacity
- Giving yourself permission to rest without feeling guilty
While living authentically can sound easy, life is not always that simple and neat. Instead, it’s messy, constantly evolving and changing. Living authentically is not a one-time achievement, it’s a lifelong journey. So, if I were to say what living authentically means for me now, my answer would be pretty different from what it was a few years ago, and will likely be different a few years from now.
So, if you feel like you’re not living authentically, give yourself a break and some compassion. It’s common to lose touch with yourself from time to time, especially in a world that constantly pulls you in different directions. Living authentically isn’t a destination or a fixed state, it’s a practice. It’s something we return to again and again. Noticing that you’re out of alignment is already a powerful first step. You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight or even in a few days, just one honest choice at a time can begin to bring you back to yourself.
If you would like support in identifying your values and finding strategies to live authentically, contact us to learn how our team of counsellors can help.
by Jonathan Hers | Jun 6, 2025 | Children, Connection, Curiosity, Emotional, Parenting, Tips
Frequently screaming? Reacting big when faced with disappointments? Too afraid to step out in a social context? Says they are going to do something and then fails to do so? Struggles to play with those around them?
How do we understand impulsiveness as parents? What is happening and how do we help?
Understanding Impulsiveness in Children
Here are some insights that will:
- Help calm your anxiety as parents surrounding impulsiveness, and
- Clarify our role as parents when impulsivness arises in your child.
The fruits of nurturing childrens’ emotional development are significant: a child who is self-controlled, patient when frustrated, sensitive to moral issues, considerate, and able to move beyond black-and-white thinking.
Key Insight #1: Maturity Means Holding Mixed Emotions.
Maturity is the ability to sustain mixed emotions.
In contrast, impulsiveness is being motivated by a single emotion.
Example:
- Impulsive: “I’m angry, so I hit my sibling.”
- Mature: “I’m angry and I want to hit my sibling. AND, I care about them.”
BOTH exist and have potential to guide us in different directions. The goal is therefore to sustain both.
The ability to feel both emotions at the same time is the foundation of emotion regulation. This takes practice. And help from parents.
When does emotional maturity begin?
First things first, it is important to know that children do not have the ability to sustain conflicting thoughts or emotions before the age of 5.
Between the ages of 5-7, they gradually gain the capacity to register and sustain more than one feeling at a time. This is important to know. Before age 5, you, the parent are the primary emotional co-regulator.
What Is Co-Regulation and Why Is It Important?
Before the age of 5, children need you to:
- First mirror their dominant emotion: “yes, you’re angry.”
- Then offer a balancing presence: “we also care about our friend and don’t want to hurt them.”
Our job is to help them begin to feel both emotions, and learn what to do with them. Our peace meets our child’s anger. We reflect what we are seeing but do not expect them to have the skills yet to sustain mixed emotions. Your children aren’t being defiant or oppositional, they are being moved by one emotion in the moment. This is the essence of impulsiveness.
As our children develop they will slowly and naturally begin to sustain mixed emotions. It’s okay for them to have conflicting emotions; this is normal. Yes, there is a part that is mad. Yes, there is another part that is afraid of what your anger could do. Yes, there is a part that cares. All of these exist and are important to become mindful of.
Key Insight #2: Impulsiveness is Tempered by Conflicting Feelings
Dr. Gordon Neufeld says:
“The ultimate answer to aggression is for the attacking impulses to be tempered by conflicting feelings, impulses, and values.”
This is a tough insight to wrap our minds around: impulsiveness, and even aggression, aren’t the problem themselves. They are parts (be it messy…) of the process of integration and ultimately maturity (a child who is able to be self-controlled and considerate).
The Power of “Yes, AND” Parenting
Here’s a helpful way to think about it: it’s like the classic improv game called “Yes, AND,” where people do not reject an idea that is given but instead have to build on the idea by adding something more that makes the moment even better. In the same way, parents can say “yes, you want to hit. AND, you care about your classmate/brother.” This is the path to self-control: ADDING in another emotion that conflicts/ holds in tension the anger.
Humans naturally do this: as they are describing a problem or situation, they will spontaneously say, “on one hand” I feel/ want to do this, and “on the other hand” I want to do this/ or feel this.
How Mixed Emotions Lead to Emotional Strength
- Patience = Impulse to Grab + Impulse to Wait
- Courage = Impulse to Run/Hide (Fear) + Impulse to Get Something (Desire)
- Civility = Alarm + Care
Naming these mixed feelings helps develop inner capacity for self-control and social awareness.
Practical Tips for Supporting Your Child
- First, don’t say “don’t be angry.” Reflect it instead, “I see you’re angry…” “What else do you notice?” “What else do you feel?”
- Second, when emotions are really intense, this is not the time to practice. Practicing the sustaining of mixed emotions is a muscle that is grown in the right context: safe, stable parental relationship with mild to medium intensity of emotions.
When emotions are really intense the name of the game is to gather your child’s attention, get them close, get them to breathe, and then attempt to activate their cognitive abilities (get them to respond to this question: what are you doing?). This is not the moment to dive into their emotional life. Regulate through sensory engagement and move away from what is stirring them up.
Summary: How to Support Your Child’s Emotional Maturity
In a nutshell, here’s what we need to know:
- Maturity develops as our children gain the ability to sustain mixed emotions.
- We can reduce impulsiveness when we discover what else exists within our child (anger and…).
Our role as parents is to nurture a space for this spontaneous development.
How? Through trying our best to be patient with this process, getting curious about the inner world of our children, and helping our children identify and name their mixed emotions. This will help.
We’re Here to Help
Are these insights helpful for you? Do they shift how you understand your child’s behaviour?
Reach out — we’d love to hear your thoughts or help further.
by Fiona Scott | Dec 16, 2024 | Anxiety, burnout, Creativity, Guidance, holiday, Mental Health, Positive, Relationships, rest, Seasonal, Self Care, Stress, Tips
Where did all this holiday stress come from?
Diwali and Thanksgiving are over. Hannukah, Christmas and Solstice are rapidly approaching. Eid is still a little way off. But whatever and however you do, or don’t, celebrate, it’s impossible to miss ‘The Holiday Season’. It’s everywhere. It’s on every social media outlet, tv station, radio station … and it’s exhausting.
Don’t get me wrong – I love me some cheesy music, lots of pretty lights and the excitement of an approaching ‘event’. But even though this year we don’t have children to deal with (ours have grown), major family commitments, or a lot of enforced socializing, I still find myself automatically going into that continuous, low-grade panic state. You know, that constant pressure to get it all done, have my home in a state of decoration that I’d never consider necessary during the year, become an instant gourmet cook, be able to source the perfect locally-made and sold goods (affordably) for people I don’t know that well … and on, and on, and on.
This isn’t meant to be a downer. I’m just wondering, in the middle of this apparent marathon which is December, to take a detour from the prescribed racecourse? Here are some suggestions – and please, this is NOT supposed to be a ‘more things to check off the list’ set of tasks. Just a few thoughts about making some meaning at a time that’s meant to be meaningful, but often leads to sadness, stress, mental load and overwhelm.
Make a New Tradition
We all love our traditions, don’t we? Well … do we? I spent years making my family come to pick out and cut down a real Christmas tree – my favourite family tradition – until I realized that everyone except me hated it, and once I knew that, I couldn’t really enjoy it anymore. So, that’s no longer on the list.
So, how about making a new tradition? Or tweaking an old one? Would the big family get-together work better on Christmas Eve, or Boxing Day? Could an annual snowfight become a new tradition in your family? Or a holiday scavenger hunt?
What would it look like to do the usual things, but in a way that didn’t load on hany big expectations? Could making cookies with the family HAVE to be from absolute scratch with hand-piped designs, or could you buy the ready-made dough with the baked-in designs and let the kids do it themselves (with predictable but fun results)?
Play Dysfunctional Family Bingo
How I wish I could take credit for this, but it goes to the author Martha Beck. If you HAVE to attend a family celebration and you’re dreading it (for whatever reason), find one or more fellow attendees who are likely feeling the same as you (whether it’s your partner, a cousin, whatever) and make up a bingo card of all the things you’re worried might happen. Auntie Dolly will have one too many and start singing embarrassing rugby songs. Grandpa will say something insensitive about minorities. Uncle Dave will bring up politics and start an argument. One of the kids will sneak chocolate and get it all over Cousin Sally’s white sofa. You get the drill! That way, when the feared worse DOES happen, then you can sneak a look at your co-conspirators and it will become funny, rather than awful. Trust me, it works!
Have Breakfast for Dinner
At some point during the holidays, have breakfast for dinner – whether it’s a huge fried hot meal, or cold cereal. Pair it with hot chocolate or hot apple cider, and make it a fun occasion. Don’t worry – just for once – about making sure the kids have 3 vegetables, or whether they’ll get crazy on the sugar. Just let everyone choose what will make them happy, and release all expectations for just one night.
You could tweak this to be a hot dog night, or anything else that everyone else will enjoy – the point is to take the pressure off everyone for a day, be a bit silly, and take a moment to relax your expectations.
For Goodness’ Sake, Get Out!
Isn’t it interesting that we have this perception that we should spend 24/7 with our loved ones at this time? If you don’t play ‘happy families’ at other times, then why do you think that you should be able to do that at a time the stress is already high? Find reasons to get out, whether it’s walking the dog, offering to be the one to pop out to the store to get extra stuffing or being the one to drive someone home after they’ve had a few drinks (buying you the solo drive back home).
The point of this is to manufacture little breaks in your time where you can put on some music/podcast, or just listen to the peace and quiet outside, take a few breaths, allow some stillness to creep into your mind and realize that life will go back to normal soon.
Try to Manage Expectations
You may have a very strong opinion on how things should go during the holidays. However, try thinking of things from others’ perspectives – maybe the twins’ parents need to leave early because right now it’s taking 3 hours to get them both to sleep. Maybe Uncle Bert refuses to attend a family dinner because he is scared to drive home at night but doesn’t want anyone to know. We don’t always know why people behave the way that they do, but if we can try to ‘assume best intentions’ – that they have their reasons and it probably doesn’t have anything to do with you – then it’s a lot easier to enjoy whatever energy people bring at this time of year, and return your best to them, also.
Support for Holiday Stress: Navigating the Season with Ease
If you’re finding the holiday season especially overwhelming this year, you’re not alone. The pressure to meet expectations, balance family dynamics, and maintain a sense of peace can take a toll on your mental well-being. Alongside You is here to support you during this challenging time. Whether you’re struggling with anxiety, stress, or simply need someone to talk to, our team of compassionate professionals is ready to help. Don’t face the holiday season alone — contact us today to explore how we can help you navigate this time with greater ease and peace of mind.
Whatever your holidays do, or don’t, look like – happy holidays, and I hope you find some peace this year.
by Jonathan Hers | Dec 9, 2024 | Connection, Counselling, Emotional, Emotionally Focused Therapy, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Reflection, Therapy, Tips
Can I just push this emotion down and avoid what is there? Will this tension just go away?
This is a good question that often I ask or hear others ask.
Researcher and developmentalist Gordon Neufeld answers this question with some umfh…
No.
He answers this through differentiating emotion and feelings, which I’ll explain below.
The Importance of Feeling and Expressing Emotions
We are exquisitely complex creatures, and one central aspect of our being is our ability to feel emotions and then let them “move us out” (the actual definition of emotion) into the world. Cultural narratives abound: “it’s just your feelings… get over it.” A familiar message to you? The norm tends to be dismissing these biological functions as irrational whims. It is true emotions can be extreme and regulating them is an important skill, but listening to them is essential. Even more, expressing them is essential.
Freud famously said, “we get sick when we fail to give expression to the emotions within us.”
More and more, research in the medical and psychological fields draws connections between the mind and body, agreeing with both Neufeld and Freud.
Emotions vs. Feelings: Understanding the Difference
Neufeld uses a funny yet powerful image to drive this home: “It is as essential for emotions to be expressed as it is for bowels to be emptied.” Think about that for a moment.
Now here comes the differences between emotions and feelings: emotions just happen, you cannot change that fact. However, our ability to feel and express these emotions (how he defines feelings) is our response to these inevitable emotions that come and go. For example, while you are at your work emotions might come up, and you could choose not to feel them if they seem to disruptive at the time. However, if these emotions stay underground for too long or never find expression, we face problems. Namely, anger issues, low-level persistent anxiety, and emotional distance from the people we care about.
Emotions Require Movement to Function Properly
How do you ride a bike? Not through staying still, but through movement and motion. In the same way, emotions require this motion to function properly. This requires that, after a stressful day, we have a safe home base to return to, in order to move through the emotions that exist within us. Can you think of someone or place that is this home base for you? A place to express what is going on inside.
A big problem we face is that expressing our emotions requires a safe environment, and this can often feel like a luxury many of us don’t have time or space for. Our fast paced culture, our competitive society, and our fractured social bonds all contribute to this challenge of expressing and understanding our emotions.
Perhaps it’s time to slow down, take a breath, and take a pulse of how we are doing, what is going on beneath the surface, and risk expressing what we find there. You’ll notice the difference. You’ll feel more attuned to yourself and the world around you, and your vision will be filled with colour as you tap into these wonderful adaptive biological parts of ourselves.
You’ll start living from this centered place: calm, clear, curious, courageous, creative, and connected.
Sounds good to me.
Get the Support You Deserve
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your emotions or struggling to express them, you’re not alone. Seeking support from a professional can help you better understand and navigate your emotional landscape. Our team at Alongside You is here to provide a safe, compassionate space where you can explore your feelings, build emotional resilience, and gain the tools you need to thrive.
Contact Us to learn more.
by Fiona Scott | Sep 6, 2024 | ADHD, Anxiety, Autism, Children, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Teens, Tips
So, it’s that time of year again… time to gather up your mental strength and prepare to dive back into another school year. However, for those of us with kids under the neurodivergent umbrella, it can be an additional challenge, or even a cause for dread.
Will the teacher ‘get’ your kid?
Should you go in giving them a whole lot of information about your kiddo, or will that start things off on the wrong foot?
How long until the IEP gets updated, and will it even be useful?
Is your kiddo going to throw a fit because this is the year the classroom stops using pencil crayons or they’re expected to learn square dancing in PE?
Support Your Neurodivergent Kid by Supporting Youself
Breathe. I mean it, BREATHE. There are lots of things that you can do to prepare for the new school year, and there are a whole lot of things that you can’t prepare for, and that tends to be where the panic sets in. And I get it – I used to take every ‘first day of school’ off work because I was so anxious about my neurodivergent kiddos that there was no chance of getting any useful work done. I want you to know, though, that this is just one moment in a whole lifetime for your kiddo. It may have huge significance for you, but they may not even remember it in 10 years’ time. So, let’s take a deep breath and adjust our perspective.
There are two issues in parenting a school-aged kiddo who is neurodivergent. One is helping the kid deal with all the challenges they encounter, which may be more complicated than for their more neurotypical peers. The second issue is dealing with your own feelings about your child’s challenges. It can be really hard seeing them struggle with friendships, or be down on themselves because they don’t understand the teacher when they’re explaining math. Our parental spidey senses are constantly on alert trying to anticipate, and avoid, potential problems. So, a lot of our energy is going to be on managing ourselves, and being that calm presence that our kids can rely on as a safe place.
There are a whole lot of things that you can do to help your children with the practical, emotional and social aspects of transitioning to a new school year. For example, along with my colleague Ruth Germo, we have a webinar on transitions to high school. There are a host of good resources out there on the internet, too. And these are the things that parents can keep themselves very busy with at this time of year.
However, this year, I’m going to challenge you (because you definitely don’t have enough on your plates already!) to take a moment a couple of times a day to:
- Stop
- Breathe
- Check in with yourself
- Feel your feelings
- Acknowledge the tough emotions
- Give yourself a little love and grace
- Recognize that ‘this too shall pass’
- Refocus on the long-term goals/plans
- One more nice deep breath, and …
- Back to it, big smile (you know the one)
Neurodivergent Kids Need Us.
In my humble opinion, one of the most underrated predictors of childhood success in schools is parents. Not because we read to them every night, or make them do their homework, drive them to endless stuff or advocate for them (although that’s all extremely important, too). It’s because we’re the safe space they come home to, and launch from. We’re there to commiserate and comfort them on the tough stuff, celebrate with them on the wins, you know, the ones that nobody else will ‘get’, remember their preferences and needs so that they always have the ‘right’ socks or remember to charge their headphones.
We’re their foundation. And if we don’t give ourselves the bare minimum of consideration and care, we won’t be as able to be that safe space for them. I know, truly, I know, they come first. All I’m asking is that you don’t always put yourself last.
If you find that you’re struggling with this, or any aspect of parenting your special needs children, consider reaching out for help. There are people who have lived experience and education who can understand and who won’t judge you for the fact that your kid has eaten white bread with marshmallow spread every day for the last 6 years because that’s all they’ll eat. We’ve been where you are. And we not only survived it, we can let you know that it is all worth it.
