by Sarah Vaughan-Jones | Jul 25, 2018 | Health, Relationships
“This week’s blog is written by one of our volunteers, Sarah Vaughan-Jones. Sarah is entering her last year of her Psychology degree at UBC this fall and is helping out around the clinic as she learns more about the field of psychology.”
Relationships can be challenging. They don’t come along easily and require constant attention to sustain them. At different stages in our lives, they can be more difficult with the other challenges that life throws at you. Being in a relationship, and having a romantic partner can play an especially large role in our health outcomes. Whether it is a budding relationship in high school, or a 30-year marriage, having a partner can certainly impact our health. Let’s take a look at a few of the ways this can happen throughout our lifespan.
Late adolescence
As we reach our later teens, major changes happen in our day to day lives. Many of you are heading off to college or joining the workforce. It is probably the first time many of you have lived on your own, with less direct guidance or support from your parents. You may find that you are ripped out of your comfort zone and put in a new environment, where you may not know anyone! This can be lonely and stressful!
With your newfound freedom, you might explore new things such as drugs and alcohol, experimenting with sex, and others. Often, these are in an effort to develop and form relationships with others, including romantic partners. How might relationships affect this? Research has found that young adults in a relationship may have less mental and physical health problems when compared to single college students, as they may engage in less risky behaviour (Braithwaite et. al, 2010). Sometimes we experiment with risky behaviours as we look to expand our social network. Alternately, being in a relationship might encourage us to be healthier. In the people studies, exercise, smoking habits and eating habits were more likely to improve due to being in a relationship with a partner (Nichols, 2017). Couples can receive the emotional support and comfort that they may be missing from home, benefiting their wellbeing.
Early Adulthood
Life continues to change once we’re in early adulthood. Relationships can quickly become a more important part of our lives. Many feel stress and pressure from society to find a relationship, as it’s a common time for marriage, moving in together or having children. Whereas a few years ago it was all new and experimentation, now the pressure is on – people may be expecting you to be in a relationship as you get older. It can be tricky to balance; you’re trying to find security in a job and search for a partner at the same time as dealing with whatever other life challenges come your way!
In this stage of life, research suggests that women will have better mental health outcomes, while men will have better physical health, when in a happy, committed relationship (Nichols, 2017). A married man’s health was similar to that of a non-smoker, with regular blood pressure and BMI levels (Loving & Slatcher 2013, p.8). Happy couples also have a decreased mortality risk, decreased the risk of cardiovascular disease, and decreased cancer-related mortality.
On the other hand, when in a relationship, conflict can arise between career and love. With a common goal of being financially stable, this can mean more time at work, which can strain and cause stress in relationships. This kind of stress has been linked to future cardiovascular problems (Nichols, 2017). Research suggests that adults who are able to maintain a good balance between many demanding situations have the ability to adapt to demanding environments better than others, which helps form a greater identity (Cao, 2013, p.7).
If this is you, you might feel trapped in a cycle of doubt, as it can be hard to find a solution and how to balance a relationship with work and other commitments. What you might find interesting is that being in a relationship can help with coping; that is, the relationship becomes a strength in coping. They call this “dyadic coping” and it can be beneficial for many couples. Dyadic coping focuses on how couples can cope together to decrease their stress. They can prepare for future stressors, and plan on how to deal with them together. This can increase an individual’s support for their partner, and improve trust and intimacy with one another, improving each other’s mental health (Landis et. al 2014, as cited in Umberson & Montez, 2010).
Adulthood
Long-term marriages and relationships can also have a significant impact on our health. Whether you are new parents or retiring, relationships still have a substantial influence on your health.
Research is finding that that long-term relationship satisfaction is different between men and women. Men that engage in problem-solving and stress management, are predicted to have the healthiest relationships (Pietromonaco et. al, 2013). It seems as though focusing on problem-solving and stress management in relationships may allow men to be rational and calm under stress, which may place less of a negative stress on their body.
Some of the research highlights that health outcomes for women improved when they were intentional about paying attention to their personal satisfaction and this led to better relationship happiness overall (Pietromonaco et. al, 2013).
What about children? Having a child can be an important part of a relationship. Research has found that during pregnancy, women that receive support from their partner had reduced anxiety during and after pregnancy. It can be a stressful time for many couples, and having support can be not only healthy for the mother, but also the child. Reducing parental anxiety levels can also improve the infant’s behaviour and development for the better (Pietromonaco et. al, 2013). Parents who are calm and less stressed during, and after pregnancy may have less distressed children.
Later on in life, as we age, more and more health problems may arise, including chronic diseases. Having a partner as a support system can have great effects on health outcomes. Cancer patients reported feeling more intimacy in the days in which their spouses supported them. What’s interesting is that giving support, not just receiving support can also be beneficial to our health. Supporting a spouse showed lower mortality rates for the supporting partner (Brown et. al, 2009, as cited in Pietromonaco et. al, 2013).
What can we take from this? Although relationships require effort to find, grow and maintain, they may be very beneficial to our health in the long run. With the curve balls life can throw in your direction, it can be very beneficial to have the support of a partner, at any time in your life. But of course, there is always an alternative to this. Others in your life such as close friends and family can also provide a similar support for you in times of need, or anytime at all! For any question, feel free to contact us!
by Alannah Mcintee | Jul 18, 2018 | Anxiety, Counselling, Depression, Stress
It is not uncommon to feel worried or stressed in our everyday lives. Occasionally we find ourselves taking on too much and feeling unsure if we can do it all. Other times we may dread going to work, meetings, or social events. However, at what point does every day worry or stress become anxiety?
Everyday stress and worry tend to be more contextual; meaning, you can compartmentalize whatever is going on for you, it is manageable, or it can be a motivating factor to get tasks done. Anxiety, however, can be exhausting, depressing, and ever-present no matter how hard you try not to let it bother you.
Anxiety is sneaky and can work its way into our lives in different ways. Some of us may have constant and high levels of worry about nothing specific, while others may only fear social events because they’re concerned about offending someone, being judged, or embarrassing themselves. Sometimes we might worry about leaving our home even if it’s to go shopping, go out for a meal, or run errands.
It can also feel very different for everyone. I have had people describe it like a drowning sensation that never really goes away, or feeling unable to concentrate on whatever is in front of them because they are so in their head. Some people may feel anxiety in their body through frequent headaches or stomachaches, or other physiological symptoms. It is difficult to generalize what anxiety feels like since it affects people in a wide variety of ways.
Nevertheless, there are a few questions to ask yourself if you are still not sure if anxiety has snuck into your lifei:
- Have I had panic attacks and worried about having more?
- Do I have trouble sleeping or concentrating because I am worried about something? Or because my mind won’t shut off?
- Do I go out of my way to avoid objects or situations that make me anxious?
- Do I feel anxious about things more often and more intensely than others around me?
- Am I fearful about being embarrassed in public?
- Do I get headaches, stomach aches, or other bodily sensations from feeling anxious?
If you find yourself relating to any of these questions, then don’t worry (just kidding!) but really, you’re not alone. Anxiety is the most common mental health difficulty that people live with. It affects 12% of British Columbian’s which works out to approximately 1 in 8 peopleii. Contrary to what we may think, however, it does not need to be “cured.” In fact, it should be embraced! Now you’re probably wondering, “Why the heck do I want to embrace something that causes me so much distress?” Embracing anxiety can be helpful for recognizing your emotions and triggers to feeling anxious and overwhelmed so you can develop a toolbox of coping mechanisms and skills to handle anxiety as it comes up in your life.
How can counselling help?
It can feel cathartic and be relieving to express your worries and fears to someone who can relate. Additionally, counsellors can help you to figure out how to develop a toolbox of skills to embrace anxiety! Tools vary from person to person, but some can include meditation, relaxation and breathing techniques, cognitive behavioural therapy, worksheets, art therapy, the list is endless! There is no “one-size-fits-all” approach to living with anxiety, living with it depends on you as a person and how you want to embrace it. If you are not sure about counselling and/or would still like to learn about embracing anxiety, then take a look at the resources below or give us a call!
Alannah McIntee is the one of two new interns at Alongside You. Studying at Adler University she has a keen interest in working with kids and we’re excited to have her on board!
Anxiety BC: www.anxietybc.com
Candian Mental Health Association: https://cmha.bc.ca
HealthLink BC: https://www.healthlinkbc.ca/health-topics/anxty
[i] Canadian Mental Health Association: British Columbia Division. (2013). Anxiety Disorders. Retrieved July 13, 2018, from https://cmha.bc.ca/documents/anxiety-disorders/#could I
[ii] Canadian Mental Health Association: British Columbia Division. (2013). Anxiety Disorders. Retrieved July 13, 2018, from https://cmha.bc.ca/documents/anxiety-disorders/#could i
by Andrew Neufeld | Jul 12, 2018 | Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Mindfulness Meditation
One of the questions we get a lot is what are some of the specific Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) techniques that we teach clients? I think this is a great question and one that we can answer through some blog posts, so here’s the first one – I hope you like it!
Mindfulness is the at the core of dialectical behaviour therapy – it’s the foundation, if you will, that everything else is built upon. Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment, without judgement and without attachment to it. It sounds simple, but it is often very difficult for us to practice in our daily lives.
What are the goals of mindfulness, with respect to DBT, you might wonder? According to Dr. Marsha Linehan, the goals are threefold:
- Reduce suffering and increase happiness
- Increase control of your mind
- Experience reality as it is
The mindfulness skills learned through engaging in dialectical behaviour therapy help clients create their own mindfulness practice. A mindfulness practice involves incorporating different skills into a routine practice that is woven into our lives as a foundation for doing life. This can involve any or all of the skills, meditation, contemplation, and mindful movement.
There are three core mindfulness skills in dialectical behaviour therapy and I want to introduce one of my favourites because it’s one of the ones I’ve found most helpful: Wise Mind.
The Wild Mind
You won’t find this terminology in any DBT books, but it’s what I call the dance between the two extreme states of our minds: logic vs. emotion. In DBT terms, we’d call the two polar opposites Reasonable Mind and Emotion Mind.
Often, we tend toward one or the other especially when we’re under stress. Those of us who are more naturally prone to logic will rely on this part of our mind to make everything rational, logical, and pragmatic at the cost of ignoring emotional content. Others more naturally drawn to emotion will rely on this part of the mind to make everything about mood, feelings, and impulses to do or say things.
As you can probably tell, both of these approaches are likely to create problems because they focus on one area at the cost of ignoring the other. So, what’s the alternative?
The Wise Mind
The concept of Wise Mind within the framework of mindfulness involves combining the two minds, Reasonable Mind and Emotion Mind into a new framework – Wise Mind. Wise Mind balances the Reasonable Mind and Emotion Mind and allows us to follow a middle path.
Another description of Wise Mind is something we often call wisdom. In this case, it’s the wisdom within each of us that combines both our more rational, reasonable mind with the emotion-focused part to create a full picture. This focus allows us to see, and value both reason and emotion, bringing the left and right brains together as one.
I was just remarking to a client that someone once described wisdom to me this way:
“Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Apparently, this quote came from Miles Kingston, a journalist and musician, and what I like is that it helps explain the difference between wisdom and knowledge. In our case, knowledge is what each of our minds is telling us – our reasonable and our emotion mind. Wisdom is knowing how to combine that information and knowing what to do with it – our Wise Mind.
How Can I Get Started Using Wise Mind?
Mindfulness takes practice, as does listening to Wise Mind. Here’s an example exercise that you can try right now to see if you can listen to your inner wisdom using Wise Mind. It’s taken from the Mindfulness Handouts in the DBT Skills Training Manual from Dr. Marsha Linehan:
Asking is this Wise mind?
Breathing in, ask yourself, “Is this (action, thought, plan, etc.) Wise Mind?”
- Breathing out, listen for the answer.
- Listen, but do not give yourself the answer. Do not tell yourself the answer; listen for it.
- Continue asking on each in-breath for some time. If no answer comes, try again another time.
This may not come naturally to you at first, in fact, it probably won’t. Repeat this exercise and see if you can allow yourself to enter a mindful space where you can notice what your Reasonable Mind and Emotion Mind are telling you, and then listen to your Wise Mind to see how you can trust your inner wisdom and operate out of an effective, mindful place in your decisions.
If you’d like help with this, we’re always happy to help! Please give us a call or contact us for options!
References
Linehan, M., M., (2014). DBT Training Manual. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT® skills training handouts and worksheets (2nd ed.). New York, NY, US: Guilford Press.
by Marcia Moitoso | Jul 4, 2018 | Baby Blues, Depression, Mental Health
Understanding the Baby Blues
The transition into parenthood can be a time full of tender and beautiful moments, and it can also be a time of immense difficulty. On social media, we see a lot of those beautiful moments, but we don’t typically see the difficult ones. Many parents are then caught off guard and may even feel isolated and ashamed for the difficulties and alterations in their own mental health that can come with childbirth. While conversations about the beauty are important, it’s also crucial to talk about the difficulties.
About 85% of mothers experience the Baby Blues, which is a period after giving birth where mothers and some fathers experience profound sadness and anxiety. Baby Blues typically lasts 2 weeks to one month as women’s hormone levels slowly return to their baseline. These perinatal hormonal imbalances can often affect a woman’s ability to respond to stress for a variety of biological reasons. On top of the physiological changes, there’s also an unimaginable number of new stressors that new parents may have never dealt with before.
Imagine if you were a lawyer for several decades, you were great at your job and thought of yourself as competent. All of a sudden, you were then thrown into a job as a chef at a high-level restaurant and everyone immediately expected you to know exactly what you were doing and to perform perfectly and instinctually. You may have read some books on cooking, but you find the high paced kitchen overwhelming and can’t always remember what you read when stressful situations arise, yet you feel ashamed for not immediately knowing how to adjust to this completely new career. That seems like a pretty unreasonable expectation for others to put on you and for you to put on yourself. Presumably, you would need a period of someone showing you how to do the job, you’d need support from your partner and friends with the stress of taking on a new career and you’d need time to eventually allow your own personality and creativity to catch up with the learning curve.
It’s not difficult to understand the need for a time of transition in a drastic career change, and yet, we as a society ignore this need for most parents new, especially women; we assume that parenthood and bonding with a new baby just come naturally and easily. In reality, new parents are often overwhelmed by the anxiety of not knowing what their baby needs at first and they need time to learn. Breastfeeding may be incredibly difficult and your baby might never take to it. Contrary to popular opinion on social media, that is okay! Fed is best, any way you can make that happen makes you a superhero whether it’s breastfeeding or formula.
During this transition, relationships may also become strained. Partners often need to re-establish new roles now as co-parents which can take time and can be challenging at first. Some co-parents may find themselves pulling away from each other due to the stress of not sleeping, having less alone time and trying to figure out this new role. This relationship strain can be a particularly harmful consequence because new parents really need support, especially during the period of baby blues.
How can counselling help the Baby Blues?
Relationship counselling can be really helpful during the perinatal period. During pregnancy, new parents can prepare for their shifting roles through the counselling process and determine how to best support each other when their new family member comes along. It can also be helpful to seek/continue relationship counselling after the baby is born for the same reasons.
Similarly, mothers and fathers can also benefit from individual counselling, where they can learn to draw on their personal strengths to develop coping methods and better understand what their emotions are telling them. These skills derived in counselling can help new parents to best support themselves, their partners and their new baby as they embark on this new life transition that is both wonderful and stressful.
It is important to remember the phrase, “it takes a village to raise a child.” You don’t have to do all of this on your own and there is so much strength in reaching for help.
This post has been about the Baby Blues, which is different from postpartum depression in terms of length and severity. My next post will address postpartum depression, what to look for and how to find help.
Marcia Moitoso is the one of two new interns at Alongside You. Studying at Adler University she has a keen interest in reproductive mental health and we’re excited to have her on board!
by Andrew Neufeld | Jun 28, 2018 | ADHD, Children, Neurofeedback
One of the most exciting uses for neurofeedback therapy is in children struggling with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). ADHD can be one of the more difficult issues to treat and it causes a great deal of distress to many children, their parents, and school staff. We use neurofeedback (also called EEG Biofeedback) here at the clinic to help these kids reduce their symptoms and improve their functioning.
You might wonder, why would we use neurofeedback for ADHD? There are a few reasons we like it and they correspond to the results we see with the children we work with. I hope it helps explain the usefulness of neurofeedback for ADHD in children.
Improved Sleep
We often don’t notice the effects of poor sleep when we are children, but as a parent, I can definitely notice when my kids don’t sleep well. Further, now as an adult, I’ve become keenly aware of how lack of sleep affects my functioning. Neurofeedback can help the brain recalibrate and improve its function so that sleep improves, which in turn, improves attention, focus, and motivation – some of the core areas affected by ADHD.
Improved Attention and Focus
I have a number of clients with ADHD, and they know that my brain sometimes does the same things as theirs, and so if there’s a loss of focus in session, invariably one of us will turn our head and exclaim, “Ooh, squirrel!” This usually leads to a great deal of laughter and a refocusing in our session. Attention and focus are hallmark symptoms of ADHD, and neurofeedback can help with this by training the brain to function more optimally. Contrary to popular belief, children with ADHD aren’t overstimulated, they’re chronically under-stimulated. Because of this, their brain will find ways to stimulate itself, which usually means hyperactivity or fidgeting. Neurofeedback can help recalibrate and rewire the brain on this level and reduce the need for stimulation, improving these symptoms.
Neurofeedback Targets Brains At The Biological Level Without Medication
One of the most common interventions for ADHD is medication. Now, just to be clear, I am not anti-medication at all. It is a very useful tool and has its place in treatment. Medications, however, don’t always work, sometimes they have side effects that are worse than the condition being treated, and sometimes clients don’t want to be on medications.
Neurofeedback is another way of getting at the brain biology and rewiring it to improve functioning. It can also potentially augment the effects of medication if the medications are not working as well as they could. Sometimes neurofeedback can potentiate medications and lead to less medication being needed, or the ability to stop the medication altogether. Finally, if a client and or family does not wish to use medications, neurofeedback can do many of the same things medication can in helping the brain function better.
Neurofeedback Is Easy
Every parent knows that getting children to participate in treatment can be difficult, especially a child with problems with focus and attention and impulse control. This is one of the benefits of neurofeedback therapy – if a child can sit in a chair and look at a screen and listen to an audio, they can do neurofeedback. We can even show movies through our equipment to keep them engaged when necessary. We can also pair the neurofeedback with creating art, reading a book, or other activities to keep the child engaged.
Neurofeedback is flexible, straightforward, and easy for clients to participate in. We can adapt the environment and treatment to fit client needs and comfort. We can also tailor the treatment frequency to suit client availability and financial resources.
Neurofeedback Is Accessible
We know our clients lead busy lives, particularly when it comes to children and their activities. This is why we use equipment that we can send home with clients on a monthly rental basis. This has a number of advantages: accessibility, efficiency, and affordability. By doing home rentals, you can do neurofeedback in the comfort of your own home, on your own schedule. You can do training sessions as often as you like, which can help speed up the process and the results. It also makes things more affordable – for one monthly fee you can do as many sessions as you like, and you can even train the whole family for the same price!
Are You Curious About Neurofeedback?
I hope so! If you have any further questions, please give us a call and we’ll be happy to answer them. We can provide neurofeedback in our clinic, or we can send a rental unit home with you if it seems to be the best solution for you and your family. We love using neurofeedback to help children with ADHD, because we know it works, and we know kids love it. We love it because we see the results and the changed lives!
by Andrew Neufeld | Jun 21, 2018 | Connection, Counselling
The Benefits of Online Counselling
The age of technology brings with it many benefits – one of them is counselling online. It has many real positives for clients, and this is why we were one of the first adopters of online counselling platforms, even prior to the start of Alongside You. I have used online platforms to provide counselling for many years, and it’s a wonderful, highly effective tool to use.
What are the benefits of online counselling? Here are a few reasons online counselling is a great tool for the profession, and for clients alike.
Location, Location, Location
Over the years I’ve worked with clients all across BC, Canada, and in the USA using an online platform. One of the things that I’ve become aware of is that in remote areas, finding a counsellor with the expertise in specific issues can be a real challenge. As you might imagine, a small town up in northern BC often does not have the same resources that we have here in Greater Vancouver. Online counselling can provide access to expertise that doesn’t exist in outlying areas.
Time is money
It can be a real challenge for clients to see a counsellor during work hours. We make sure we have our services available in the evenings and on weekends, but as you might imagine, those times are very popular and fill up fast.
Online counselling can help with this – instead of needing to take time off for travel, and the time of the appointment out of the workday, clients can see a counsellor on their lunch hour, or before or after work much more freely. What may have otherwise taken 3 hours out of a day, can take an hour. It can also happen in the comfort of your own home or your office without the needed travel time.
Did I Mention Location?
One challenge that many of my clients have had over the years is that they travel for work. If you have a job that requires a lot of travel, it can be very difficult to schedule appointments with the consistency needed for counselling. This is where online counselling can be very helpful; I’ve worked with many clients who use our online platform when they’re out of town so that we can keep up with our appointments even when we’re not in the same location.
Some Things To Know About Counselling Online
As with any form of treatment, there are certain things clients should be aware of and think about prior to engaging in this service. In the case of online counselling, here are a few things to be aware of and think about before you decide if it is right for you.
Security is important
Any time you’re dealing with health information, security is important. Not only are there legislative mandates and laws counsellors need to be following, there is also your personal comfort with how your information is transmitted. Unfortunately, many times I see counsellors using technology that is not secure for online counselling. The most common examples are Skype, Google Hangouts and Facetime. None of these platforms are secure, and in my opinion, should not be used for counselling purposes. The reality is that the counsellor cannot guarantee the security of your video call and information on these platforms.
True security is found on platforms that use end-to-end encryption. What this means, in simple terms, is that a lock is put on the data on your end (the client) and it can only be unlocked at the other end by the professional, and vice versa. Skype, Google Hangouts and Facetime do not offer this protection. They have some encryption protection, but it does not end to end so there is a possibility that someone in the middle could see or read the data.
The other issue is data storage. To comply with health privacy laws in BC, and in Canada, the technology must store all data on servers on Canadian soil. Again, Skype, Google Hangouts and Facetime do not do this. They store data on servers all over the world, including the USA where your data may be subject to the Patriot Act and read at any time by the US Government.
We use a HIPAA/PIPEDA compliant version of Zoom, which is set up so that it does not store any data, at any time and offers end-to-end encryption. Previously, we’ve used Medeo which is used by many doctors in BC because it also offers a platform that complies with the legislation and privacy laws.
The difficulty for many professionals is that these platforms cost a fair bit of money. My position, however, is that it’s not ethical to provide online counselling without the proper security in place and this is why we choose to spend this money in order to offer this service to clients. With online counselling at Alongside You, you can be assured that your data is secure and complies with all of the proper legislation.
How comfortable are you in an online environment?
Some people love video chats and calls and do it regularly with friends and family. Some people prefer in-person connections. Others enjoy of mix of both. Counselling is an intimate, sometimes intense process and it’s important to think about whether you’d feel comfortable with this in an online environment.
Another consideration along this vein is do you have a safe, private space to make the call in? One of the benefits of coming to a counselling office is that it is a private, safe space. If you’re doing the counselling online, you’ll need a space of your own that can provide this for you. Your sense of safety is of utmost importance.
How comfortable is the counsellor with online counselling?
Counselling online is different for counsellors as well! It’s important to know, and ask, whether the counsellor you’re seeing enjoys online counselling and feels that it’s an effective method for them professionally. Do they have a lot of experience doing online counselling, and is it a method they enjoy? Their comfort is also important and it’s okay to ask them these questions!
At Alongside You, we don’t ask any counsellors to provide online counselling if they don’t have the experience, or if they don’t enjoy the platform. The counsellors here provide online counselling because they enjoy it and find it to be effective for them, and for their clients.
Is it appropriate for me to do counselling online for the issues I’m dealing with?
For most issues, counselling online is perfectly appropriate. There are a few situations where you may want to think about whether it’s a good idea. First, if you are dealing with severe suicidal thoughts and other self-harm or risky behaviour, online counselling may not be for you. Your safety is key and online counselling may not provide the necessary safety and environment for this type of work. This is a good thing to discuss with your counsellor prior to engaging in online counselling, and throughout the process to make sure it’s a good fit.
Second, sometimes couples counselling can be difficult online. So much of the counselling with couples depends on the emotional and relational dynamics that it’s hard to do if everyone is not in the same room. Again, it truly depends on the comfort of the client, and the comfort of the therapist as to whether it’s appropriate in these cases.
Finally, if your therapy involves live experiences (such as exposure therapy) this may not be the best format for you. There are safety concerns, and also practicalities that may make exposure therapy and other in-vivo approaches challenging.
Internet Speed
This probably goes without saying, but I’ll mention it anyways. Online counselling requires a reasonable internet connection. It’s surprising how little speed it actually requires, but if you’re in an area that does not have decent internet service, online counselling may be a difficult thing. That being said, I’ve done it with clients in very remote areas, so even if you think it won’t work because of internet speed, it’s worth a try to find out!
Still have questions about counselling online?
Online counselling may be a brand new idea to you. I hope this article gives you a brief introduction to online counselling and things to think about. If you have any questions, or if you’d like to try it out to see if it’s a good fit for you please feel free to give us a call anytime, we’d love to hear from you!
by Andrew Neufeld | Jun 14, 2018 | Communication, Connection, Counselling, Depression, Mental Health
The deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, both by apparent suicide has the world reeling again. There have been numerous articles in response to this, calling for more mental health support, offering advice on how to reach out to loved ones, and more. One of my first thoughts was of how devastating substance abuse can be. I don’t know directly how much alcohol or drugs factored into the deaths of these two celebrities, but both had struggled with substances throughout their lives and it seems as though it likely influenced these most recent tragedies.
When we experience the death of a celebrity, a work colleague, a friend, or family member, one of the common struggles is wondering what could have been done? What if we’d just reached out more? What if we’d asked them how they were doing more? What if we’d encouraged them to get help more? The reality is that simply checking in on someone, or offering platitudes like, “Make sure you ask for help when you need it,” simply don’t work very often.
One of our staff pointed me to this article in which a group of friends held an intervention of sorts for a friend struggling with grief. What I appreciated about the article, from the perspective of the friend being intervened upon, was the comment that this approach could have easily backfired. This is very much true – it worked in her case, but on a different day, at a different time, or for any other number of reason the approach could have backfired. Still, she was grateful that they had intervened. So, here are some ways I’m going to suggest we can succeed in supporting friends when the stereotypical “reaching out” isn’t working.
Show Up
Most people struggling with mental health will tell you that it’s incredibly isolating. Isolation intensifies and worsens negative emotions and symptoms of mental health difficulties. It removes motivation, removes hope, and so much more. So, what this means is that when we ask, “Hey, how are you doing today? Have you gone outside for a walk? Is there anything I can do,” we are likely to hear, “I’m fine, it’s ok,” because giving any other answer requires motivation and hope, and effort, just like any other action on their part.
This is where we can show up. We know what our friends, family members, and loved ones need in general because it’s good for anyone: healthy food, going for walks, help with practical things in life. If we ask if we can do something for someone struggling, they’ll likely say no. If we show up and help, however, we are more likely to succeed, and more often than not, they will be grateful that we showed up and helped them.
Know Our People Well
In order to show up and be effective, we need to know what our friends, family members, or loved ones like, need, and long for. This requires us to know them well. It requires intimacy and vulnerability on both our parts, and we need to be working on this when times are good. If we rely on building this when things are bad, it will be incredibly difficult. There’s a tool I use when working with couples in therapy as we focus on building a foundation for their relationship and I think it can be helpful here. The Gottman Institute card decks are designed for couples, but they could easily be used for building interpersonal knowledge and intimacy in any relationship. The Love Maps and Open-Ended Questions card decks are particularly helpful for this – know that the language is geared for couples, but I’d love to see more of us using these in our other relationships. The more we know each other on a deeper level, the more we’ll be prepared to respond when someone is having a difficult time with mental health. We’ll know their wants, needs, desires, hopes, without even having to ask.
Be Willing To Take The Risk
Sometimes what we do as we try to help someone might backfire. If we show up unannounced to take someone for a walk because they can’t get out; if we show up with food and conversation when they can’t bring themselves to cook or to talk to anyone; if we show up and clean their house for them, these all may backfire. We might make them mad, we might embarrass them, we may even get the door slammed in our face.
We also might, just maybe, make the difference needed to help them move the next step forward, and they didn’t have to do it alone.
I often get asked the question, “What if I make things worse?” The reality is, it’s hardly possible to make things worse by showing empathy and love. For the sake of argument, even if we do, what then? Are they more depressed or more anxious? That’s a risk we need to be willing to take, and I can tell you that from my experience, it simply does not happen that way.
Get Help Yourself
Finally, if you try everything, you show up, you do for someone what they can’t do for themselves, and it’s not working, this is where a professional’s help can be a great asset. Trying to care for someone is difficult, especially when we don’t see results. It wears on us, it causes us distress, and we are now at greater risk for mental health difficulties ourselves. Sometimes we also just need an outside perspective from someone with experience with these issues. This is where a Registered Clinical Counsellor can be helpful in supporting you and providing outside insight into how you might help someone. RCC’s can also be helpful in connecting you or the person you’re concerned about with appropriate resources that may be helpful.
Don’t Give Up
Caring for someone who is struggling is hard. Don’t give up on them – try some of the strategies above, get some help for yourself if they won’t let you help them, and in case you missed it the first few times, don’t give up.
Feel free to contact us for help or counselling related matters. Our doors are always open.
by John Bablitz | Jun 6, 2018 | Forgive, Forgiveness
For a long time, a friend of mine (we’ll call her “Shirley”), genuinely hated a coworker of hers. Shirley wasn’t just bothered by this coworker, she genuinely couldn’t bring herself to think about them without being filled with a bitter anger, which ruined her evening on more than one occasion.
Notice that I don’t say Shirley didn’t have a “good” reason to hate this coworker – the person had deeply hurt her, and the organization that employed them both had failed to act appropriately in this situation, which made Shirley feel invisible, unsafe, and very, very angry. She had carried this anger for over a year, and it was taking a toll on her mentally, emotionally and physically.
For most of us, there has been a person in our life against whom we’ve carried a grudge of some kind. People hurt each other – it’s the price we pay for being able to have satisfying relationships; and, regrettably, these hurts are not always resolved. Shirley had been hurt, and like most of us, the very last thing she wanted to hear from a friend was that she needed to forgive and move on (this is not great advice, but is given more commonly than one might think).
For some people “forgiveness” is a bit of a dirty word; that is, how can we forgive someone who clearly doesn’t deserve it, especially if they don’t seem to understand the pain they’ve caused – or even seem to care? A better question to ask, perhaps, is, “What is forgiveness? And why should I forgive?”
Forgiving is not the same as forgetting (nor do these two things necessarily need to come as a pair). Forgetting is putting the hurt completely out of our minds, forever. Forgiveness is much more complex. Everett Worthington is a psychologist who has devoted much of his career to studying forgiveness, and he breaks the word into two main categories: ‘decisional,’ and ‘emotional’. Decisional forgiveness involves a cognitive decision to let go of the negative feelings we hold towards the person who has hurt us, whereas emotional forgiveness takes that a step further, replacing those negative feelings with positive ones like compassion and empathy. The person we are forgiving does not even need to be part of the process. We can forgive a deceased or estranged loved one that has no chance of ever receiving or reciprocating our gesture. We can also forgive someone as part of a relational gesture, regardless of whether or not the person chooses to, or is able to receive it.
It’s also possible that we might offer emotional forgiveness and have the person that hurt us accept it with genuine humility and remorse, which for everyone I’ve ever known, is a powerful experience. There is a famous scene in Les Misérables where a priest shows kindness to Jean Valjean, a man who hours before stole thousands of dollars worth of his property and knocked him unconscious after being shown kindness and trust. Valjean is completely and utterly undeserving. This scene brought tears to my eyes; there is something about undeserved forgiveness that can break down the most hardened exterior.
Forgiveness is pretty much always hard, no matter your situation. It doesn’t always go the way we hope it might. But one thing is certain: the resentment you are carrying is most likely hurting you a lot more than it is hurting the other person.
Resentment takes a toll on us; it takes energy to harbour a grudge (like carrying around a weighted pack). We are not required to forgive, but it is healthy for us in almost every conceivable way. Research shows that it improves heart health, immune system function, your gastrointestinal system, brain functioning and perhaps biggest of all, it reduces stress. Much research suggests that it also reduces rumination, which has been reliably linked to depression, anxiety, anger-related disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, and psychologically related physical disorders.
For this reason, we can choose to view forgiveness as something we are doing for ourselves, rather than the offender. We can decide to try to let go of a grudge without actually feeling any different – and that is OK.
Try this: hold your arms out in front of you, with your hands clasped tightly together, as though you were clasping your resentment between them. Hold this for a minute (Not exhausted? Try two minutes), and then let your arms drop and relax. What did you notice? This is what happens internally when we let go of a grudge – we are releasing tension. Try it while actually picturing a minor grudge you are holding, and see if it makes you feel any different towards that grudge.
Lastly, I want to acknowledge that things are not that easy. In many ways, we cannot just decide to forgive, and all hurts are definitely not created equal. However, if you recognize that you might be carrying a grudge (big or small) that is actually hurting you more than it’s helping, and you feel you can’t get over it, there are lots of options to help yourself with it:
- Try cognitively deciding you want to commit to forgiving, even if you don’t feel like it, as a gift to yourself. If you want to take this a step further, try Everett Worthington’s evidence-based REACH forgiveness worksheets (available here for free). Many people have found these exercises very helpful.
- Talk through what you are experiencing with a trained therapist. Even just putting words to your experience and having them heard and understood can be very relieving, and therapists are trained to help you recognize and navigate challenging circumstances.
- Read stories of people who have forgiven under seemingly impossible circumstances, and try to be curious about your reactions to these stories. Do you agree with them? Do they make you angry? Humbled? Chances are, reading others’ experiences with hurt and forgiveness will help you feel less alone, and even just the experience hearing those stories can shift some of the weight. If you are part of a faith community or come from a faith background, try talking to a spiritual leader about what your faith says about forgiveness, and question what you find.
Most of all, remember to give yourself some grace as you wade through this process; forgiveness is both one of the most difficult and most rewarding things a person can go through. If you have any question regards on forgiving and forgiveness, feel free to contact us.
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Resources
Akhtar & Barlow have a few good articles out. This 2018 meta-analysis provides evidence for reduced depression, stress, anger, and hostility, as well as increased positive affect, related to forgiveness:
Akhtar, S., & Barlow, J. (2018). Forgiveness therapy for the promotion of mental well-being: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 19(1), 107-122. doi:10.1177/1524838016637079
Akhtar, S., Dolan, A., & Barlow, J. (2017). Understanding the relationship between state forgiveness and psychological wellbeing: A qualitative study. Journal of Religion and Health, 56(2), 450-463. doi.org:10.1007/s10943-016-0188-9
Baldry, A. C., Cinquegrana, V., Regalia, C. & Crapolicchio, E. (2017). The complex link between forgiveness, PTSD symptoms and well-being in female victims of intimate partner stalking. Journal of Aggression, Conflict and Peace Research, 9, 230-242. doi:10.1108/JACPR-08-2016-0247
Orcutt, H. K., Pickett, S. M., & Pope, E. B. (2005). Experiential avoidance and forgiveness as mediators in the relation between traumatic interpersonal events and posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(7), 1003-1029. doi:10.1521/jscp.2005.24.7.1003
by Andrew Neufeld | May 31, 2018 | Counselling, Guidance, Safety
When I sat down to write this, the first thing that came to mind was a poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, titled, “How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43).” The opening line says, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways,” and continues to explain in great detail, all the different ways the subject loves the other. This is how I feel about counselling and its importance – there is no simple way to summarize why counselling is important because, in my opinion, the importance of it is endless in usefulness and application. So, I’ll offer three reasons counselling is important to start the conversation off.
Reason #1: Safety
Many of us have wonderful families, friends, and colleagues. But, how often do we feel completely safe discussing our innermost difficulties, the things we’re struggling with, the things that we’re afraid of, or perhaps the things we’re ashamed of? The reasons people come to counselling are many, whether it’s anxiety, depression, addiction, relationships, or otherwise, sometimes we just can’t bring ourselves to talk about these things with the people we have in our inner circle.
This is one reason counselling is important – a place of safety. By coming and entering the counselling room, you are entering into a space that was set up specifically to provide safety; the ambiance of the room, the highly trained professionals ready to engage in dialogue, the confidentiality provided by the interaction, and more. If we are to wrestle with our deepest longings, we need to feel safe and this what counselling provides.
Reason #2: Empathy
Empathy is key to our wellbeing and our functioning. In order to feel safe and feel connected to others, we need empathy. This is different than sympathy, which I’ve covered in previous articles because sympathy drives connection away. Empathy is healing, change making, and supports the re-wiring of our brains.
Empathy helps us feel known, understood, and validated; many times, this is what is missing in our personal lives. Sometimes this is because we are not surrounded by people who are capable, or willing to provide this for us; other times, it’s because we’re not in a place personally where we’re able to open ourselves to this possibility and this is where the skill of the counsellor comes in. Through counselling, we can experience empathy in a 1:1 relationship with the counsellor, evaluate our relationships, and if there are things preventing us from accepting empathy from others, work through these things will a skilled professional.
Reason #3: Guidance
When I went through my clinical training, one thing that was impressed upon us is that we’re not here to give advice. While I don’t disagree that this is not our primary function, I do disagree that we never do this. Sometimes counsellors are there to give advice. Depending on the client’s cultural background, they may actually be quite frustrated by not getting advice at times. What a counsellor is more apt to do on a regular basis, however, is to give guidance. Sometimes it’s guidance on a specific issue (i.e. school counselling, career counselling), and sometimes the guidance is in the form of a sounding board, offering alternatives to how the client is thinking about different issues.
Sometimes the guidance is more pointed – in my work I often see clients who have been through the various mental health systems without success and my clinical expertise and knowledge of the system is helpful in navigating next steps in looking for treatment and recovery.
Conclusion
As I mentioned at the beginning, this is just scratching the surface of why counselling is important, but I hope it’s a good introduction for you. In future articles, we’ll explore in specific detail how counselling is important for specific issues. If you have any questions about this, feel free to send us a message through the contact form and we’ll be happy to answer your question in a future article.
by Andrew Neufeld | May 24, 2018 | Case Studies, Encouragement, Positive, Self Confidence
My family and I have been watching the reincarnation of American Idol recently, and the finale was this week. Much to Meg’s great pleasure, Maddie Poppe won. As usual, the show was full of twists and turns, silliness, and some incredible musicianship. I’ve enjoyed the fact that they’re allowing contestants to use musical instruments in this go ‘round – and I personally loved the resurgence of classic rock through the contestant, Cade Foehner. As I sat there watching the finale last night I reflected on the season and something struck me, and it was rather surprising.
See, the title of this blog isn’t just clickbait. The three judges this year on American Idol were Lionel Ritchie, Katy Perry, and Luke Bryan. While each of these musicians and artists are icons in their own right, particularly Lionel, I noticed something that made me pause. I’d previously grown tired of American Idol because it was overly negative, Simon Cowell was rather irritating to me, and I didn’t like the absence of instruments. This season, the judges were very positive, the personalities of the judges clicked well, and there were musical instruments involved. What I noticed, however, is that it was overly positive. Granted, each of the final 24 contestants was very talented, there weren’t an abundance of critiques.
My belief is the constructive criticism is crucial to personal and professional growth. These contestants are on the show because they’ve “made it,” and know it all; they’re there to learn and, hopefully, make it as a professional musician and artist. Much to my surprise, I found Katy Perry to be the most helpful judge and the one who offered the most useful feedback to the contestants. I’ll admit, this took me by surprise – before this when I thought of Katy Perry I thought of teen pop anthems, and some weird looking sharks roaming the stage. So as the season finished last night, my thoughts went to wondering, “what can we learn about life from Katy Perry?”
I’ve picked three things that stood out to me that we can learn from the quirky being that is Katy Perry.
Be yourself
One thing that we learn pretty quickly in watching Katy Perry in her live shows, or on American Idol, is that she is an odd duck. She’s quirky, she marches to the beat of a different drum, and let’s face it, she’s downright odd sometimes. But, she’s unique and there’s nobody else like her. She knows who she is at the moment, and she embodies that with all that she has.
Our wellbeing depends on our acceptance of self. Now, I have no idea how accepting of herself Katy Perry actually is because I’ve never even had a conversation with her. From outward appearance, however, she seems to own her own quirkiness and oddities and has a clear idea of who she is at the moment. If we can do just this – accept ourselves and own who we are at the moment, it will have a positive effect on our wellbeing.
Tell the truth
Contrary to some of the other judges, I found that Katy was pretty up-front in her truth-telling with contestants. If they nailed the performance, she told them; if the performance stunk, she wasn’t afraid to speak the truth. Knowing where we stand in relationships, in our work environments, and in our pursuit of dreams requires honest, open feedback from those around us. In return, those around us depend on the same.
If we can surround ourselves with people who we can speak truth to, and who will do the same for us in return, we can grow and move forward in life and have confidence in where we stand in our progression. How do we do speak the truth when it’s difficult though?
Encourage others as a matter of practice
As constructive and critical as Katy Perry was this season, she has coupled the criticism with encouragement. It was clear in her feedback that she was giving it so that the contestant could grow and get better at their craft. If we can provide constructive criticism along with encouragement, we will encourage growth in others. If we surround ourselves with those that can do this for us, we’ll get the same in return.
Sometimes it’s hard to learn who we are and accept ourselves; sometimes we aren’t sure how, to tell the truth to others or to ourselves; sometimes we have a hard time being encouraging because we’re stressed out; sometimes we don’t have a community around us that encourages us. This is where a registered clinical counsellor can be helpful sometimes. Sometimes we need that outside perspective on some of these issues or some guidance and encouragement on how to organize our lives so we have what we need to grow. If this is you, we’d love to help. Feel free to contact us.
