by Fiona Scott | Aug 22, 2025 | Curiosity, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Self Care, Self Confidence, Tips
Many of us have heard of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), which is a beneficial and effective therapy to help us change our thoughts and behaviours. However, you may have had Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) recommended to you and wondered ‘what’s the difference?’.
What’s different about Dialectical Behaviour Therapy?
DBT is one of several valuable therapies which came out of the CBT tradition. Dr. Marsha Linehan, who developed the DBT framework, started her career by working with some of the most distressing symptoms which we see as counsellors – suicide attempts, self-harm, addictions and hopelessness. Part of the reason she did that was because – well, she’d been there herself1.
What’s with that word: ‘dialectical’?
The ’dialectical’ in DBT just means opposing – and we come across so many examples of that in our own lives. In DBT, we recognize that there are some things about ourselves and our lives that we may not like, but we have to accept in order to make progress. On the other hand, there are things which we can change, and if we can, we must. This apparent contradiction between acceptance and change (and how to tell the difference), is super-important, and can be very empowering.
DBT is a skills-based therapy. This can seem daunting, because there are quite a few skills to learn, and a full course of DBT skills here at Alongside You takes 24 weeks. However, let’s break down why this may be necessary. We can probably all agree that circumstances in our childhood may get in the way of us learning certain skills (eg emotion regulation). This will mean that, as adults, we will have to learn those skills. We often feel great shame about not having all this ‘at our fingertips’ – but if nobody had ever taught us to read, would we really be surprised if we struggled? Of course not! So we can start removing the shame, and working on learning the skills that will allow us to thrive.
Do I have to have BPD to benefit from DBT?
If you Google DBT, you are going to see reference to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Often, DBT is recommended for BPD which is a distressing condition resulting in difficulties regulating our emotions. It’s clear that adverse childhood experiences are implicated in this condition (some sources suggest up to 90% of clients with BPD have experienced childhood trauma2).
However, this is NOT the only reason to attend a DBT skills group. DBT is a safe and effective therapy for many problems, including:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- suicidal ideation
- self-harming
- rejection sensitivity dysphoria
- and many more3.
I can say, as someone who facilitates these groups, that I personally use these skills every single day of my life. They are practical, simple to understand and relatively easy to implement. That being said, as with every single therapy or intervention, we will get out of it exactly what we put in. The more we practice, the better we’ll get and the easier it will become.
Does it have to be in a group?
Before I became a counsellor, the idea of ‘group therapy’ was something I would totally have rejected. I had a LOT of preconceptions (mostly based on tv and movies!) and a fear of sharing my ‘stuff’ in public. However, having been part of several groups now, I have seen (and felt) the benefits of being in groups. Firstly, concerns about confidentiality can be worrying – however confidentiality is absolutely the first thing we cover in group. Remember, others will be as careful of keeping your stuff private as they hope you’ll be in keeping their info safe! More than anything else, having the opportunity to share your experiences with others who really ‘get it’ and won’t judge you is a truly validating and safe experience. Being able to learn from others’ experiences, have them learn from you and share your triumphs and failures in a supportive environment cannot be overstated. It really is kind of magical – and highly-effective.
Being Effective
Talking about being effective, that’s one of the words you’ll hear most frequently in DBT. Once we start letting go of that judgement (which means letting go of our iron grip on ‘good and bad’ or ‘right and wrong’), we need a helpful way to assess our behaviour and how well it serves us. Enter ‘effectiveness’. Are the behaviours we are exhibiting effective in getting what we want? Or do they make us less effective? It’s a very powerful way for us to evaluate what we’re doing, and how things change when we change.
Freedom Through Control
So, here’s the ultimate ‘dialectic’ (or opposing) concept. When we aren’t good at regulating our emotions, very often our emotions do the reacting and behaving for us. If you’ve ever felt like you are watching yourself having a meltdown while completely unable to do anything about it – your emotions are in the driving seat. Paradoxically, when we gain more control over our emotions, it allows us to choose our response and our behaviour. When we have choices, we gain true freedom. This absolutely does not mean that we learn to squash our emotions down, or ignore them – quite the opposite. By giving them permission to be felt, we can learn how to cope with unpleasant or upsetting feelings, and deal with them in a better way than acting out, hurting others or hating ourselves.
I’m Interested – Now What?
Here is a link to an interview with Dr. Marsha Linehan which explains the essence and basics of DBT4. If you are interested in joining our fall group (starting October 28th), please contact us here to find out more. We look forward to answering any questions you might have!
Citations
1 Full Audiobook (Ed.). (2025, June 12). Building a Life Worth Living: A Memoir Audiobook by Marsha M. Linehan. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4x11qE6F-0&ab_channel=FullAudiobook
2 Bozzatello, P., Rocca, P., Baldassarri, L., Bosia, M., & Bellino, S. (2021). The Role of Trauma in Early Onset Borderline Personality Disorder: A Biopsychosocial Perspective. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12, 721361. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.721361
3 Core Evidence & Research. Behavioural Tech Institute. (n.d.). https://behavioraltech.org/evidence/
4 HSE Ireland. (2014, December 14). Marsha Linehan – Interview. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR7Oi0cyoVo&ab_channel=HSEIreland
by Lauren Tiede | Jul 15, 2025 | Curiosity, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Self Care, Self Confidence, Tips
Living authentically will vary from person to person. But an overarching explanation is living in a way that is aligned with your values and beliefs, rather than listening to and conforming to external expectations and pressures. It involves choosing with intention and accepting our vulnerability and imperfections. It is the courage to be who you are, by being honest with yourself and listening to yourself, even when you’re feeling sad, scared, or unsure. It’s not about constantly chasing happiness or avoiding discomfort, but about being present and true, even when it’s hard. This might look like saying, “This is what I actually feel,” instead of, “This is what I should feel.”
Why is it hard to live authentically?
Living in a world that constantly tells us who to be can make it challenging to connect with what we truly want or who we are. Other factors, like culture, societal expectations, childhood experiences, and trauma, can also make it challenging to live authentically. These external influences can leave us feeling like we have to perform or hide who we are to be accepted and liked.
But living authentically doesn’t mean doing everything on your own or shutting people out. It also doesn’t mean ignoring others’ opinions or advice, it’s about finding a balance. It means being open to feedback that helps you grow, without letting it shut out your own voice. It’s about being who you are, messy, growing, and just as you are.
Signs you may be living inauthentically
As we are being flooded with messages telling us who to be, how we should look, what success should mean, and how we’re supposed to feel or act, over time, all these messages can pull us away from who we really are. We adapt, we perform, we try to fit in. And often, we end up pushing down parts of ourselves to please others or meet expectations. While this might help us feel accepted, they can take a toll on ourselves. We may struggle with depression, low self-esteem, and feel disconnected from relationships. We can’t deeply connect with others if we are hiding our true selves.
Common signs of inauthentic living
- Feeling a lack of direction and purpose
- Feeling like something is missing
- Constantly seeking external validation
- Suppressing your opinion to please others
- Constantly comparing yourself to others
- Living by “shoulds”
- Having difficulty making decisions
Ways to start living authentically
Living authentically doesn’t mean being bold all the time or rejecting every outside expectation. It’s more about making small, intentional choices that reflect what really matters to you, your values, even when it’s uncomfortable. And that often starts with simply noticing when you’re overriding your needs, when you’re performing, or when you’re living by “shoulds” that were never really yours to begin with.
It can begin with teasing apart your values and beliefs from those that have been imposed on you. This can be challenging, as we are constantly being overwhelmed with messages from a young age. But living authentically involves small, honest actions. It’s about being real, even if that means disappointing others to stay true to yourself. This could look like:
- Taking a moment to reflect on your values, what matters to you, rather than what you’ve been told should matter
- Noticing when you feel like you’re performing or putting on a front for others
- Taking a small step by saying no when you don’t have the capacity
- Giving yourself permission to rest without feeling guilty
While living authentically can sound easy, life is not always that simple and neat. Instead, it’s messy, constantly evolving and changing. Living authentically is not a one-time achievement, it’s a lifelong journey. So, if I were to say what living authentically means for me now, my answer would be pretty different from what it was a few years ago, and will likely be different a few years from now.
So, if you feel like you’re not living authentically, give yourself a break and some compassion. It’s common to lose touch with yourself from time to time, especially in a world that constantly pulls you in different directions. Living authentically isn’t a destination or a fixed state, it’s a practice. It’s something we return to again and again. Noticing that you’re out of alignment is already a powerful first step. You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight or even in a few days, just one honest choice at a time can begin to bring you back to yourself.
If you would like support in identifying your values and finding strategies to live authentically, contact us to learn how our team of counsellors can help.
by Jonathan Hers | Jun 6, 2025 | Children, Connection, Curiosity, Emotional, Parenting, Tips
Frequently screaming? Reacting big when faced with disappointments? Too afraid to step out in a social context? Says they are going to do something and then fails to do so? Struggles to play with those around them?
How do we understand impulsiveness as parents? What is happening and how do we help?
Understanding Impulsiveness in Children
Here are some insights that will:
- Help calm your anxiety as parents surrounding impulsiveness, and
- Clarify our role as parents when impulsivness arises in your child.
The fruits of nurturing childrens’ emotional development are significant: a child who is self-controlled, patient when frustrated, sensitive to moral issues, considerate, and able to move beyond black-and-white thinking.
Key Insight #1: Maturity Means Holding Mixed Emotions.
Maturity is the ability to sustain mixed emotions.
In contrast, impulsiveness is being motivated by a single emotion.
Example:
- Impulsive: “I’m angry, so I hit my sibling.”
- Mature: “I’m angry and I want to hit my sibling. AND, I care about them.”
BOTH exist and have potential to guide us in different directions. The goal is therefore to sustain both.
The ability to feel both emotions at the same time is the foundation of emotion regulation. This takes practice. And help from parents.
When does emotional maturity begin?
First things first, it is important to know that children do not have the ability to sustain conflicting thoughts or emotions before the age of 5.
Between the ages of 5-7, they gradually gain the capacity to register and sustain more than one feeling at a time. This is important to know. Before age 5, you, the parent are the primary emotional co-regulator.
What Is Co-Regulation and Why Is It Important?
Before the age of 5, children need you to:
- First mirror their dominant emotion: “yes, you’re angry.”
- Then offer a balancing presence: “we also care about our friend and don’t want to hurt them.”
Our job is to help them begin to feel both emotions, and learn what to do with them. Our peace meets our child’s anger. We reflect what we are seeing but do not expect them to have the skills yet to sustain mixed emotions. Your children aren’t being defiant or oppositional, they are being moved by one emotion in the moment. This is the essence of impulsiveness.
As our children develop they will slowly and naturally begin to sustain mixed emotions. It’s okay for them to have conflicting emotions; this is normal. Yes, there is a part that is mad. Yes, there is another part that is afraid of what your anger could do. Yes, there is a part that cares. All of these exist and are important to become mindful of.
Key Insight #2: Impulsiveness is Tempered by Conflicting Feelings
Dr. Gordon Neufeld says:
“The ultimate answer to aggression is for the attacking impulses to be tempered by conflicting feelings, impulses, and values.”
This is a tough insight to wrap our minds around: impulsiveness, and even aggression, aren’t the problem themselves. They are parts (be it messy…) of the process of integration and ultimately maturity (a child who is able to be self-controlled and considerate).
The Power of “Yes, AND” Parenting
Here’s a helpful way to think about it: it’s like the classic improv game called “Yes, AND,” where people do not reject an idea that is given but instead have to build on the idea by adding something more that makes the moment even better. In the same way, parents can say “yes, you want to hit. AND, you care about your classmate/brother.” This is the path to self-control: ADDING in another emotion that conflicts/ holds in tension the anger.
Humans naturally do this: as they are describing a problem or situation, they will spontaneously say, “on one hand” I feel/ want to do this, and “on the other hand” I want to do this/ or feel this.
How Mixed Emotions Lead to Emotional Strength
- Patience = Impulse to Grab + Impulse to Wait
- Courage = Impulse to Run/Hide (Fear) + Impulse to Get Something (Desire)
- Civility = Alarm + Care
Naming these mixed feelings helps develop inner capacity for self-control and social awareness.
Practical Tips for Supporting Your Child
- First, don’t say “don’t be angry.” Reflect it instead, “I see you’re angry…” “What else do you notice?” “What else do you feel?”
- Second, when emotions are really intense, this is not the time to practice. Practicing the sustaining of mixed emotions is a muscle that is grown in the right context: safe, stable parental relationship with mild to medium intensity of emotions.
When emotions are really intense the name of the game is to gather your child’s attention, get them close, get them to breathe, and then attempt to activate their cognitive abilities (get them to respond to this question: what are you doing?). This is not the moment to dive into their emotional life. Regulate through sensory engagement and move away from what is stirring them up.
Summary: How to Support Your Child’s Emotional Maturity
In a nutshell, here’s what we need to know:
- Maturity develops as our children gain the ability to sustain mixed emotions.
- We can reduce impulsiveness when we discover what else exists within our child (anger and…).
Our role as parents is to nurture a space for this spontaneous development.
How? Through trying our best to be patient with this process, getting curious about the inner world of our children, and helping our children identify and name their mixed emotions. This will help.
We’re Here to Help
Are these insights helpful for you? Do they shift how you understand your child’s behaviour?
Reach out — we’d love to hear your thoughts or help further.
by Fiona Scott | Dec 16, 2024 | Anxiety, burnout, Creativity, Guidance, holiday, Mental Health, Positive, Relationships, rest, Seasonal, Self Care, Stress, Tips
Where did all this holiday stress come from?
Diwali and Thanksgiving are over. Hannukah, Christmas and Solstice are rapidly approaching. Eid is still a little way off. But whatever and however you do, or don’t, celebrate, it’s impossible to miss ‘The Holiday Season’. It’s everywhere. It’s on every social media outlet, tv station, radio station … and it’s exhausting.
Don’t get me wrong – I love me some cheesy music, lots of pretty lights and the excitement of an approaching ‘event’. But even though this year we don’t have children to deal with (ours have grown), major family commitments, or a lot of enforced socializing, I still find myself automatically going into that continuous, low-grade panic state. You know, that constant pressure to get it all done, have my home in a state of decoration that I’d never consider necessary during the year, become an instant gourmet cook, be able to source the perfect locally-made and sold goods (affordably) for people I don’t know that well … and on, and on, and on.
This isn’t meant to be a downer. I’m just wondering, in the middle of this apparent marathon which is December, to take a detour from the prescribed racecourse? Here are some suggestions – and please, this is NOT supposed to be a ‘more things to check off the list’ set of tasks. Just a few thoughts about making some meaning at a time that’s meant to be meaningful, but often leads to sadness, stress, mental load and overwhelm.
Make a New Tradition
We all love our traditions, don’t we? Well … do we? I spent years making my family come to pick out and cut down a real Christmas tree – my favourite family tradition – until I realized that everyone except me hated it, and once I knew that, I couldn’t really enjoy it anymore. So, that’s no longer on the list.
So, how about making a new tradition? Or tweaking an old one? Would the big family get-together work better on Christmas Eve, or Boxing Day? Could an annual snowfight become a new tradition in your family? Or a holiday scavenger hunt?
What would it look like to do the usual things, but in a way that didn’t load on hany big expectations? Could making cookies with the family HAVE to be from absolute scratch with hand-piped designs, or could you buy the ready-made dough with the baked-in designs and let the kids do it themselves (with predictable but fun results)?
Play Dysfunctional Family Bingo
How I wish I could take credit for this, but it goes to the author Martha Beck. If you HAVE to attend a family celebration and you’re dreading it (for whatever reason), find one or more fellow attendees who are likely feeling the same as you (whether it’s your partner, a cousin, whatever) and make up a bingo card of all the things you’re worried might happen. Auntie Dolly will have one too many and start singing embarrassing rugby songs. Grandpa will say something insensitive about minorities. Uncle Dave will bring up politics and start an argument. One of the kids will sneak chocolate and get it all over Cousin Sally’s white sofa. You get the drill! That way, when the feared worse DOES happen, then you can sneak a look at your co-conspirators and it will become funny, rather than awful. Trust me, it works!
Have Breakfast for Dinner
At some point during the holidays, have breakfast for dinner – whether it’s a huge fried hot meal, or cold cereal. Pair it with hot chocolate or hot apple cider, and make it a fun occasion. Don’t worry – just for once – about making sure the kids have 3 vegetables, or whether they’ll get crazy on the sugar. Just let everyone choose what will make them happy, and release all expectations for just one night.
You could tweak this to be a hot dog night, or anything else that everyone else will enjoy – the point is to take the pressure off everyone for a day, be a bit silly, and take a moment to relax your expectations.
For Goodness’ Sake, Get Out!
Isn’t it interesting that we have this perception that we should spend 24/7 with our loved ones at this time? If you don’t play ‘happy families’ at other times, then why do you think that you should be able to do that at a time the stress is already high? Find reasons to get out, whether it’s walking the dog, offering to be the one to pop out to the store to get extra stuffing or being the one to drive someone home after they’ve had a few drinks (buying you the solo drive back home).
The point of this is to manufacture little breaks in your time where you can put on some music/podcast, or just listen to the peace and quiet outside, take a few breaths, allow some stillness to creep into your mind and realize that life will go back to normal soon.
Try to Manage Expectations
You may have a very strong opinion on how things should go during the holidays. However, try thinking of things from others’ perspectives – maybe the twins’ parents need to leave early because right now it’s taking 3 hours to get them both to sleep. Maybe Uncle Bert refuses to attend a family dinner because he is scared to drive home at night but doesn’t want anyone to know. We don’t always know why people behave the way that they do, but if we can try to ‘assume best intentions’ – that they have their reasons and it probably doesn’t have anything to do with you – then it’s a lot easier to enjoy whatever energy people bring at this time of year, and return your best to them, also.
Support for Holiday Stress: Navigating the Season with Ease
If you’re finding the holiday season especially overwhelming this year, you’re not alone. The pressure to meet expectations, balance family dynamics, and maintain a sense of peace can take a toll on your mental well-being. Alongside You is here to support you during this challenging time. Whether you’re struggling with anxiety, stress, or simply need someone to talk to, our team of compassionate professionals is ready to help. Don’t face the holiday season alone — contact us today to explore how we can help you navigate this time with greater ease and peace of mind.
Whatever your holidays do, or don’t, look like – happy holidays, and I hope you find some peace this year.
by Fiona Scott | Jul 26, 2024 | ADHD, Autism, Communication, Connection, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Tips
So, you have a friend who tells you they are ‘neurodivergent’. This might mean that they have autism, ADHD, Down’s syndrome, synaesthesia, Tourette’s syndrome… or a number of other conditions. Basically, it just means that their brains work a little differently than what is considered ‘typical’. This can mean that they are incredibly smart, creative and sensitive – but it can also mean that they may struggle with certain aspects of daily life. If you’re reading this blog post so that you can learn how to best support them and be their friend, read on!
What Should I Know About Neurodivergence?
It’s hard to describe the way in which sensory input can be overwhelming to people with neurodivergence. Not only can it make it even harder for the brain to process information through all the sensory “noise”, it can be really difficult to tolerate, to the point of being painful. You can help your friends by understanding what they need in order to deal with tough situations. For example, if you know that your friend is sensitive to noise, make sure they have their noise-cancelling headphones with them – make room in your bag if need be! Realize that even if they are doing something they love, they may need to take a break, go outside or to a quieter corner, chill out or regroup. You can always ask them what they need! If you’re going somewhere you know will be challenging, have a plan for if things get too much.
Don’t rely on your neurodivergent friend remembering something you told them, like what needs to be done before the party next week, or the deadline for the next academic paper. Especially if they are currently doing something else, stressed out, or coping with a lot of external sensory stimulation, they may converse with you and seem engaged, but may not be able to turn that input into longer-term memory. Ask your friend what works best to help them remember – is texting or emailing better? Do they want you to bug them until they put it into their Google calendars? They know what works for them best.
How Can I Be Supportive?
A lot of neurodivergent people rely on plans to help them to prepare for situations that might become overwhelming. So when plans change without warning, they can become really stressed out. As much as possible, try to stick to the plan and, if something happens to derail it, be prepared to do whatever will help, whether that’s getting a favourite “comfort” coffee drink, finding ways to make it easier, or even abandoning plans to try again another day. Again, don’t be afraid to ask the person what they need.
Neurodivergent people often feel really guilty about having to have people make extra effort for them. If you do have to go out of your way, do things differently from what you’re used to, or even abandon a planned outing, try not to make them feel bad. That doesn’t mean ignoring your own feelings – just try not to let your frustrations show too much. Guaranteed, they are even more frustrated than you are!
It’s wonderful to give choices, but when neurodivergent people get overwhelmed, sometimes it’s too much to have to make a decision. You can ask, “do you need me to make a decision for you?”, or maybe offer a choice of two options, rather than six. Obviously, this applies to questions like which takeout to choose … not which school to attend or career to pursue! Decision fatigue is also a real issue, which is why activities like grocery shopping can be really tough (as well as the overwhelming sensory stimuli). Sometimes, just being with your friend (known as body doubling) can help them to feel grounded enough to make progress themselves.
Learn More About Allyship
If you are interested in learning more about neurodivergence or how to better support your loved ones, please contact our Client Care Team to connect with an experienced clinician.
