by Aelaf Kebebu | Jun 5, 2024 | Anxiety, Connection, Counselling, Mental Health, Mental Health Disorder, Mindfulness Meditation, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Safety, Self Care, Therapy, Trauma
“On occasion, our bodies speak loudly about things we would rather not hear. That is the time to pause and listen.” Verny, Thomas R
Somatic therapy, rooted in the belief that the body is where life happens, empowers individuals to take an active role in their healing journey. It harnesses body techniques to strengthen the evolving dialogue between the client and therapist, fostering a deeper understanding of the relationship between bodily experiences and mental states. By focusing on a holistic perspective, somatic therapy cultivates embodied self-awareness, guiding clients to tune into sensations in specific body parts. This approach has been found to be particularly beneficial for addressing issues such as eating disorders, body image issues, sexual dysfunction, chronic illness, emotion regulation, disassociation, and trauma.
Breathwork in somatic psychotherapy
Breathwork, a cornerstone of somatic therapy, has a rich and diverse history in the realm of physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual healing. Its transformative power can alleviate psychological distress, soften character defenses, release bodily tension, and foster a profound sense of embodiment and tranquility. Somatic therapists employ breathwork techniques, from energizing the body for emotional processing to soothing and grounding hyperactive body parts, offering a hopeful path to healing and self-discovery.
Conscious breathing practices are used:
- to help couples and families to connect through touch
- assist in recovering from trauma
- to promote sensory awareness,
- and to access altered states of consciousness for healing purposes
What is disordered breathing?
Disordered breathing, a term often used in the context of somatic therapy, refers to a state where the physiology and psychology of breathing intertwine. It’s characterized by irregular breathing patterns, which can trigger anxiety or panic and disrupt cognitive processes like decision-making. These patterns can vary based on emotional states, with sighing, increased depth, or rate of breath often associated with anxiety and anger.
Irregular respiratory patterns could be associated with anger, guilt, or deep, weeping sadness. Hyperventilation associated with panic or anxiety creates lower levels of CO2 in the blood, often leading to decreased attention and mental impediments. Loss of concentration, memory loss, poor coordination, distraction, lower reaction time, and lower intellectual functioning are all associated with low CO2.
Feeling anxious: produces a distinguishing pattern of upper-chest breathing, which modifies blood chemistry. This leads to a chain reaction of effects, inducing anxiety and reinforcing the pattern that produced the dysfunctional pattern of breathing in the first place.
Body Posture: has also been cited as a factor in breathing efficiency and patterns. Somatic therapy tends to operationalize posture as a function of personality or character. Somatic therapists often note how one’s posture is presented when describing the emotional state. They track feelings and sensations in the body to help the client make sense of their experience in connection with their body.
What are some benefits of somatic psychotherapy?
- The body is not just a location for distress but also for pleasure, connection, vibrancy, vitality, ease, rest, and expansion. Somatic therapy could make this easier to achieve through processing and resolving difficult bodily experiences.
- Positive self-image: Somatic therapy can help clients feel a positive connection to their bodies and promote self-confidence.
- Positive body image: Somatic therapy can enhance body connection and comfort instead of disrupting body connection and discomfort by pairing difficulty with enjoyable sensations to increase tolerance.
- Enhance the body’s ability to experience and express desire by encouraging the client to Stay with and expand enjoyable sensations.
- Encourages attunement of the body and enhances self-care instead of self-harm and neglect.
- Provides a protective space where clients can re-associate with their bodily experience.
In conclusion, our bodies contain a complicated, unified, multilevel cellular memory system that allows us to be fully functional human beings, and attending to our body’s needs could enhance our overall mental and physical well-being.
If you are interested in somatic psychotherapy, please contact our Client Care Team to connect with one of our clinicians.
References
Stupiggia, M. (2019). Traumatic Dis-Embodiment: Effects of trauma on body perception and body image. In H. Payne, S. Koch, and J. Tantia (Eds.), The Routledge International Handbook of Embodied Perspectives in Psychotherapy (pp. 389-396). Routledge
Verny, T. R. (2021). The Embodied Mind: Understanding the Mysteries of Cellular Memory, Consciousness, and Our Bodies. Simon and Schuster.
Victoria, H. K., & Caldwell, C. (2013). Breathwork in body psychotherapy: Clinical applications. Body, Movement and Dance in Psychotherapy, 8(4), 216- 228. https://doi.org/10.1080/17432979.2013.828657
by Jonathan Hers | Apr 10, 2024 | Counselling, Therapy, Tips
How can I best prepare for my therapy session?
Good question.
It’s best to avoid this situation: you put in the time to book another therapy session, you pay the money (gulp), you put it in your schedule, on the day-of you get your notification reminding you of your appointment, you travel to the office, you wait in the waiting room, you are welcomed into a room, you get to the chair, sit down, get asked the question, “what would you like to work on today?” A silence follows. And then you answer: “I don’t know.”
This happens a lot and I’d like to suggest gently that this is not an ideal situation.
I do want to start with saying that even if this is you, don’t be too hard on yourself. I’ve started many therapy sessions sitting in silence not knowing how to begin… and yes I’ve uttered these words. At other times I’ve just wanted to update my therapist on fun life events or ask simple questions that I’ve been pondering.
Even more, simply by booking a session you are already getting the gears moving in the change process. There are six stages in the change process (pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and termination). By booking a therapy session it means that you are past the first stage, which is pre-contemplation. The change process has already begun simply by contemplating your situation, deciding that you could use some help navigating your way forward, and then reaching out for help. The fact of having booked an appointment is substantial!
And yet, this question still remains relevant: how can I maximize my time in therapy? How can I make this investment even more fruitful? How might I go about preparing for therapy?
You want to get the best bang for your buck! Counselling – a valuable, set-part space and time for growth – can be enhanced by preparation.
So, how might one prep?
I’ve got three things for you: first, ten questions to ponder. Second, three tips. Third, one general attitude to develop.
Ten Questions to Prepare for Therapy:
I read a quote that said, “the best answers begin with good questions.”
I’ve compiled a list of questions that you can ponder before your sessions that will enhance your time together. I’ve gathered them from personal experience and from other clinical counsellors who have given me their insights on how one might best prepare for therapy.
- Whats not working? What do I want different? How will I know if it’s different?
- What do I have a hard time admitting to myself?
- What gets in the way of me getting to where I want to go? Bonus points if it’s a repeat offender.
- What do I want to change about my life? Make sure it’s practical, measureable, and reasonable.
- How would I have to adjust my time each week to achieve this change?
- How might I sabotage my plans to make this change?
- What is my role in maintaining the problem I am wanting to address? What do I gain from its existence?
- What could we focus on today that would help me leave feeling like it was useful?
- What stuck with me from the last session?
- What is bothering me the most right now? Is there something I can do to fix it? How willing am I to fix it?
Those are some questions to ponder before sessions that will help you get started in the right direction.
Three Tips to Prepare for Therapy:
Here are some other practical tips that you could take in to help as well:
- Have an ongoing tab on your phone or in your journal of topics, subjects, challenges that you are wanting to explore in therapy. Whenever new thoughts or insights or feelings rise up that are relevant, write those down in your notes.
- Take ten minutes before each session to mentally prepare. This moment of thinking, mindfulness, and silence will help you settle into how you are doing and what is going to be most important to focus on.
- Finally, a helpful reminder is that every session is NOT going to be groundbreaking. This is normal. Just like regular life, lots of the time we are not on the mountaintop, we are just in the thick of it. Processing our mixed emotions, asking good questions, risking vulnerability in the presence of a compassionate other. Let yourself embrace the process of growth and transformation which does not happen overnight. I’ve heard some studies that suggest that it takes at least 5-6 sessions to start to experience deeper therapeutic gains and other studies that say it may take up to 40 sessions to achieve the changes you are wanting to make.
Therapy is a bold endeavour to self-examine the state of our lives, develop understanding, and hope for growth. I’m continually left in wonder, awe, and reverence at the courage of those enter therapy and display this level of humility, vulnerability, and courage.
AN ATTITUDE TO DEVELOP
I want to end with another fundamental of therapy that might help your mindset going into each session.
Bill Gates once said, “Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.” In the same vein, Richard Schwartz, a seasoned therapist, encourages all of us to develop an attitude of openness and receptivity to the many excellent teachers that we have in life. He writes, “I’m not talking about the gurus, priests, professors, or parents, although they can certainly help you learn your lessons if they’ve learned theirs. I’m talking instead about the difficult events and people that trigger you—your tor-mentors. By tormenting you, they mentor you about what you need to heal.”
This gets at a deep truth that undergirds therapy as a whole: within the mess of our greatest challenges, discomfort, or pain, is the potential for transformation and growth. “But wait, I want to get rid of those very problems!” True, we do want change and that involves hoping for peace and order. However, the way forward is often not what we initially expect. When we are able to befriend these tor-mentors we find our pathway to healing and growth. When a seed dies, new growth breaks through. After a field has laid fallow, will it be ready to be planted again. The treasure is hidden behind the guarding dragon. The promised land comes after the trek through the desert.
Think of the wise people you know in life, have they had an easy life without challenge or suffering? No, quite the opposite. These people persevered amidst great adversity. Navigated complex messy obstacles.
This is the posture that will also aid your therapeutic journey: edge towards facing the given challenges we have, the internal limitations we have to admit, confounding situations we are plagued with and from that place we attempt to develop a posture of receptivity to these tor-mentors.
Deep breath. This seems like a lot, and it is. And that is why we don’t do this alone! We need a safe companion for the journey. Therapists can prove helpful companions to enter into this journey of growth, resilience, and change.
If you’ve been on the fence about trying therapy, we’d love to hear from you. Starting therapy can be an intimidating thing – we’ve all been there. If this post is resonating with you, give us a shout and we’d be happy to sit down with you.
by Jonathan Hers | Jan 3, 2024 | Connection, Counselling, Guidance, Mental Health
New to Counselling?
Are you new to this counselling thing? Are you contemplating giving it a try? Do you need to go to counselling? Or just curious as to what the fuss is all about?
Well, here’s my attempt at giving you a little glimpse into the beauty of this phenomenon that is growing in its cultural acceptance and perhaps this can help you figure out whether signing up for counselling is the next right move for you. I speak as a fellow human who has attended counselling and as a therapist who has sat opposite to many who have courageously sought out help through the medium of therapy.
Here are some stats to gain a wider picture:
- Statista conducted a survey of 1,650 people ranging from 18 years and older in 2020 via telephone interview. They asked the respondents, “in the past 12 months, have you received any counseling or treatment for your mental health?” 43.7% of respondents from British Columbia said “yes.” New Brunswick wins (or loses depending on how you look at it…) at 60.1% of respondents responding with “yes.” Manitoba was the lowest at 27.7%.
- Another study found that between 2019 and 2021 the percentage of adults who had received mental health treatment in the past 12 months grew from 19.2% to 21.6% (Terlizzi & Schiller, 2022).
- Statistics Canada found that in 2018 17.8% of Canadians aged 12 and older reported needing some help with their mental health. This is around 5.3 million people. That’s a lot of people! Out of that 5.3 million, 43.8% reported that their needs were either not met (they did not go to therapy) or were partially met (they went to therapy but it was not enough).
What do these three sources tell us?
Simply put, therapy is being accessed more and more. Perhaps, we are catching on to the fact that our mental health is worth investing in. It really is. Gone are the days when therapy was reserved for those that we lazily labeled (or diagnosed) with words like “crazy” or “problematic.”
5.3 million Canadians acknowledged the need for assistance with their mental wellbeing.
Deeper than just being accessed more, these studies are perhaps a helpful reminder that you are not alone, not part of a small fringe group, but… dare I say… human. Not yet got this “life” thing figured out. Normal? I think so.
What Does Therapy Look Like?
So, if you’re new to this or not yet bought into it, give me a moment to paint a picture of what it looks like:
You arrive in a cozy office, sit in the waiting room, another fellow human – your counsellor – will arrive and call your name, together you’ll enter a room with a couch and perhaps a few chairs. You sit down. And then…
This is what you may see on the outside but so much is happening internally.
You are setting out on a grand adventure.
You are escaping the noise and bustle of every-day life.
You are marching out into battle.
You are sitting by a warm fire on a stormy winter evening.
You are resolving unfinished business.
You are tending a wound that no-one around you sees.
You are aspiring and hoping for who you could become.
You are settling into who you are, becoming more at home in your own skin.
If you break your arm, you go to a doctor. This doctor will first assess your injury and then set you off on a path of healing and recovery – aligning your arm, bracing it, and advising you on what activities may or may not be achievable in light of your wound.
In a similar way, you may have experienced various psychological/relational/emotional challenges – a huge setback in your work life and left feeling fragile, recurring conflict in your most intimate relationships, abuse from people that were supposed to be your protectors – and the question remains: where do I go to sort through/respond/heal these challenges?
The added challenge of mental health is its invisible quality, which leaves us vulnerable to the pushback: “is this just in my head? Can I just push through and deal with this?” A broken arm just seems so simple and obvious. However, mental pain and suffering left unattended can fester in similar ways than an untreated wound. Though, it may come out in angry outbursts, tension in your shoulders (perhaps its not so invisible…), the inability to know what you feel, a low sense of self-worth, or intrusive thoughts that plague you every time you slow down.
This is where counselling becomes useful in attending to your mental well-being. It is true that humans are resilient and often, even after experiencing traumatic life events, people bounce back with courage and vitality. And yet, counselling is a protected space to address and tend to our relational, emotional, personal challenges.
How does counselling accomplish change?
At very least it accomplishes this through undoing our unbearable aloneness. Dr. Diana Fosha passionately declares that our relational, emotional, personal challenges largely stem from “being alone in the face of overwhelming emotion” (Fosha, 2000). Thus, therapy, at its best, works to undo aloneness.
Judith Herman, the legendary trauma therapist, writes that “the fundamental premise of the psychotherapeutic work is a belief in the restorative power of truth-telling” (Herman, 2015, p.181). In the presence of another human, can you share honestly how you are doing? Can you express, in detail and with clarity, the truth of your being? As you dive into the biggest challenges that seem to plague your life through this act of “truth-telling”, you are met with wise attentiveness and deep compassion.
Bessel Van Der Kolk, the medical director of the Trauma Center in Brookline, Massachusetts, says “being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives” (Van der Kolk, 2015, p. 81).
A Safe Relationship
Do you have relationships marked by trust, safety, honesty? How can you tell?
Bessell highlights the importance of each of us being heard and seen by another person in our lives. We need to be held in someone else’s mind and heart. He writes, “no doctor can write a prescription for friendship and love; these are complex and hard-earned capacities” (Van der Kolk, 2015, p. 81).
Do you feel a desire to be met with this sort of attentiveness and care? Does it feel too good to be true? Too simple? Fair responses. A helpful question to explore is what the costs are for not receiving this hard-earned capacities?
I know I need them. And as I step into vulnerability—this act of receiving and trusting—I find myself walking lighter, thinking with greater clarity regarding my relationships and problems, and feeling more at home in my body and in this world. Perhaps you could call it feeling mentally healthy.
I encourage you to find relationships that are characterized by these qualities. Whether or not they are counsellors. It will change your life. It’s changed my life.
Here at Alongside You, these quotes inspire our work; We offer award-winning counselling services that are shot through with these qualities: a safe context to be seen, held in the mind of another, and this “hard-earned” love that Bessell speaks about. If you wish to learn more, contact us to see how we can help.
References
Elflein, J. (2022, August 31). Adults who received past-year Mental Health Counseling Canada 2020. Statista. Retrieved from, https://www.statista.com/statistics/1328941/adults-who-received-past-year-mental-health-counseling-canada-by-province/
Facts and figures. Fraser. (n.d.). Retrieved from, https://vancouver-fraser.cmha.bc.ca/impact/influencing-policy/facts-and-figures/#:~:text=Between%2019.6%25%20and%2026.2%25%20of,a%20mental%20illness%20each%20year.
Fosha, D. (2000). The transforming power of affect: A model for Accelerated Change. Basic Books.
Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and recovery. Basic Books.
Statistics Canada. (2019, October 7). Mental health care needs, 2018. Health Fact Sheets. Retrieved from, https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/82-625-x/2019001/article/00011-eng.htm
Terlizzi, E. P., & Schiller, J. S. (2022). Mental health treatment among adults aged 18-44: United States, 2019-2021. US Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Health Statistics.
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2015). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.
by Anna Hers | Nov 10, 2022 | Counselling, Mental Health, Tips
First of all, congratulations on completing what is often the hardest part of therapy: getting started! For most of us, we don’t usually book that first appointment without something urgent finally bringing – or dragging – us through the door.
There’s no judgment here: I spent years putting therapy off before I finally got started, and it wasn’t until I was working as a receptionist here at Alongside You (literally surrounded by therapists and people seeking therapy every day) that I knew I shouldn’t put it off anymore.
Often, it’s a time of crisis that propels us through the door. For you, maybe your mental health was under enough stress that your physical health was affected. Or maybe you came to realize that your relationships weren’t what you hoped they would be, or maybe something just hadn’t been feeling right in your life. For me, I was in real need of some support in my chronic pain journey, and was looking for some help in giving my frazzled nervous system a breather.
Whatever the reason is, recognizing you need help and getting started with therapy can often be the hardest part. But let’s say you’ve finally had that first appointment, or maybe you’ve even had a few at this point. What happens if the fit with your therapist just isn’t sitting right?
As someone who works behind the scenes in a counselling clinic and attends therapy myself, I’ve discovered that there are a few helpful tidbits to know when it comes to deciding whether your counsellor is the right fit for you. Here are a few of them I’d love to share:
Tips On How To Decide If Your Therapist Is The Right Fit
- It’s completely fine if your personality just doesn’t fit with your therapist’s. Therapists come in all kinds of flavours (kind of like ice cream) and it might take a couple tries to find one that works for you (kind of like sample spoons). A good therapist will want the best for you, and that means understanding if you would prefer a different match. Their feelings won’t be hurt – after all, many of our therapists have tried out a few counsellors of their own until they found a match they liked!
- Ask yourself whether you feel reasonably comfortable with your counsellor. A few good early indicators are feeling safe sitting in a room with them, feeling heard by them, and knowing that you won’t be judged in your vulnerability.
- Though it may surprise you, your counsellor doesn’t need to have many shared life experiences or even a similar outlook on the world in order for your therapy to work! Although it can be an added bonus when these similarities happen, they usually aren’t as necessary as they seem. For instance, some of our most skilled and qualified counsellors who offer assistance to parents don’t have any children themselves. But what they DO have is the training and experience necessary to help you and your kids.
This can sometimes be a mental roadblock for people looking for a new counsellor, and I completely understand. Years ago, I spent some time searching for a new therapist, and as much as I wanted to connect with someone who had experienced chronic pain themselves, that didn’t end up being necessary for me. What it took instead was someone who had the training, skills, and care to help me start to heal my nervous system.
- You are allowed at any time to ask your therapist to try a different approach!
I once (very awkwardly) shared with a therapist after our first session that I would do well with a more relaxed and informal approach, and he was able to adjust for our next session together. Of course, that didn’t mean that we stayed in that casual place all the time, but it helped make me comfortable enough at the beginning to lean into the process. Did I enjoy requesting a different approach, you ask? Nopity nope. But was it worth it? You bet.
- Not all therapists have the same training or areas of interest. If you’re looking for a particular kind of therapy, make sure to share that early on in the booking process, before you get paired with a counsellor. Clinical fit is one of our top priorities when pairing you with a therapist at Alongside You, and our Client Care Team is trained to match you with a counsellor who has the training, experience or interest that applies to your circumstances. Of course, it’s also totally fine if you don’t know what kind of therapy you’re looking for – for me, it took trying out a couple types before I landed on one that was particularly helpful for me.
- Be aware that starting over with a new counsellor will be, well… starting over with someone new. As tired as you may be with going over your history all over again, anytime you meet with a new therapist you’ll have that regular ol’ first appointment, where you’ll go over any details and get to know each other. If you’re wanting a new match this is 100% worth it, but it does mean that we don’t recommend switching counsellors often. We suggest giving your current situation a thorough try, unless you feel that it isn’t the right fit for you anymore.
As for me, I recently booked a first appointment with a new counsellor and as much as I would have loved to just bring along some kind of personal Powerpoint presentation to breeze through my history and jump right into “the therapy”, I know this getting-to-know-you phase is actually an important part of the therapy itself. And I found myself enjoying the appointment and starting that new relationship more than I expected!
- If you are feeling uncomfortable or anxious about your appointments, ask yourself: is my anxiety about the therapist, or therapy itself? If you’ve been in counselling before you likely know it isn’t always the most comfortable process. The discomfort you are feeling could be about the overall experience of therapy, rather than how you feel about the therapist themselves. In fact, as time passes and you get closer to working on some of the core issues and more challenging areas of your therapy, you might feel more tempted to withdraw from your therapeutic relationship in order to protect yourself from heading into that discomfort. This can be a very normal instinct, but is often really worth discussing or working through. And this leads us to my last (and most important!) suggestion…
- Tell your therapist how you’re feeling!
It can be really helpful for your counsellor to know if you’re unsure that this is the fit for you, or if you’re not sure whether you want to continue. The truth is that your therapist will offer their best help and support when they have your feedback, and I think it’s even fair to say that most counsellors really appreciate these kinds of honest conversations with their clients, and would prefer to have them more often.
If this kind of conversation feels difficult for you, you can always start by telling your counsellor, “There’s something I’d like to talk about, but it feels hard for me to bring up and I’m not sure how to start. Can we talk about our time here together?” This can be a good way to get the ball rolling, and for the two of you to work through your thoughts on your treatment. This way your therapist can help you unpack whatever next steps will be most helpful for you.
How Do I Talk To My Therapist About How I’m Feeling?
So… what now?
The first step it to connect with your current therapist! Feel free to use the example above if you’re not sure how to bring the subject up, and share with them how you’ve been feeling. Together you can start working through whether the best next step is to adjust and try a new approach, or to ultimately get connected with a new therapist.
If you do decide that you would like to try with a new counsellor, please make sure to first let your current counsellor know as a courtesy. Then, your next step would be to connect with our Client Care Team and we’ll help you find a new match. As always, we’ll consider your preferences and needs and do our best to find you a good fit.
If instead you decide to stick with your current counsellor, it could be that this kind of honest conversation is just what your therapy journey together needs!
Either way, this is your time and investment, and you deserve the best possible supports and tools in your walk towards greater health. Our job is to support you as best we can, and we’re honoured to do it.
by Marcia Moitoso | Jan 26, 2022 | Counselling, Mental Health, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Safety, Therapy, Trauma, Trauma sensitive
Director’s note: The following article is written by our Registered Clinical Counsellor, Marcia Moitoso, in conjunction with Bell Let’s Talk Day. If you haven’t met us yet, you’ll find out quickly that we’re about being real. We’re all here because we are on our own journey, and want to help others on theirs. Marcia’s article is a very real, personal account of her own journey with mental health and trauma and how it led her to where she is today. I want to express my gratitude to Marcia for being willing to share her journey with others, and I hope you find it helpful. Please be aware, the article describes some traumatic events that may bring up some emotions while reading. – Andrew My Journey To Becoming A Counsellor
I came to a career in counselling as part of a long, arduous struggle with my own mental health. I want to share my journey with you as a way to show you that whatever you’re going through, you’re not alone, things can get better, and we’re in this together.
My Story
My story toward healing really begins at 20 years old, when I hit the lowest low and far more psychological pain than I could have ever predicted. Laying on the bathroom floor of the courthouse after a two-year court battle against the person who sexually assaulted me, I remember thinking this is it, I can’t imagine continuing to live at this point, how can I possibly keep going? Unfortunately, like many of us, I had been through a lot of sexual assault in my early years. I had always felt immense shame about everything that happened to me, believing it was my fault and so I never told anyone how I felt, kept it inside and instead coped with eating disorders, self-harm, and substance use. This last incident in my late teens was the straw that finally broke the camel’s back. I couldn’t keep going like this, something had to change or I didn’t think I’d survive.
I wrestled a lot with the urge to give up and give in to self-destructive impulses. One part of me wanted to survive and get better, a second part wanted to give up, and a third part of me wanted desperately to change the world for other women like me. Frankly, that part kind of wanted revenge (or at least justice) too. I think that third part of me is the one that started to carry me toward healing. At this time in my life, I was learning about feminism, and while it made me confront some very difficult truths about myself and what had happened to me and what I was also complicit in, it made me get in touch with all the rage I felt, and my rage (though sometimes overwhelming) motivated me toward change.
It wasn’t – and still isn’t – a straight line. I remember sitting in my very first counsellor’s office week after week and refusing to speak. She was kind enough, she would recommend interesting female empowerment movies and give me little snacks. I liked her, I just wasn’t ready to talk, and I’d had years of learning to push all of my emotions way down and disconnecting from my body and myself. I wasn’t ready for her to change that. She gave me the notes I needed for extensions on my university assignments that I couldn’t write because the flashbacks were so overwhelming, and I was grateful for that. I don’t think I’d have graduated without her. At that time I also started kickboxing at a small gym that quickly started to feel like a family. I didn’t have to talk, which was important to me back then, but I could punch and kick and secretly cry my heart out. It was everything; I started to feel what powerful could feel like.
But as life goes, more devastations occurred that set me off balance and back into my self-destructive behaviours. I left kickboxing and withdrew into my own world ruled by fear and dissociation. My social anxiety got to the worst point it had ever been, and I lost the majority of my friends. This was another point where I could have lost myself completely, but I had managed to retain one friend who wouldn’t let me go despite the many times I disappeared and definitely let her down. During this time I had started to realize that my self-destructive behaviours needed to stop, but I was still unable to ask for help or admit that I had a problem. I got lucky though, one night at about 2am this friend of mine texted me asking if I’d want to go and travel South America for a year by bicycle. I wanted to get as far away from the place where I grew up as possible, so I didn’t even hesitate, I immediately said yes and with very little planning we got out bikes and just went.
The Ride That Changed My Life
Since that time I’ve tried to put my finger on just what it was about that year on my bike that was so healing. I think it was a combination of things. I finally really felt like I had a friend who loved me unconditionally (she also had no choice because we depended on each other for survival, traveling by bike with almost no money). I also started to feel powerful and connected to my body for what it could do for me for the first time, instead of focusing on what it looked like or what other people wanted from it. For the first time my body was mine and it was carrying me thousands and thousands of kilometres just by sheer force and will. I also learned to get in touch with my intuition and figure out which situations felt safe and which ones I needed to get out of right away. I experienced some luck, and happened to meet incredible people in every place I went who reminded me that people actually are fundamentally good and that those few who did some bad things to me are not an indicator of all of humanity. And bonus: I didn’t have access to my unhealthy coping means of choice, so my addictions started to fizzle away.
I met so many people from so many backgrounds, and heard their stories of devastation and transcendence, and slowly I started to share mine too. Hearing about the ways people make meaning from tragedy and find ways to survive and make life beautiful again after being in the absolute gutter of life was healing beyond belief. I learned that suffering is part of living and that it actually connects us to others. We suffer tragedies and then we find each other and we heal together. After hearing from these beautiful people in various towns, I’d always have a day or a few of riding my bike to the next place, getting in touch with my body and mind and processing everything I’d heard. It was in one of these in-between cycling times that I realized I wanted to become a counsellor. It was actually a need. I was in awe of how incredible humans are, and their innate urge to move toward growth and healing, and I wanted to be a part of that for myself and for others.
The Journey Is Ongoing
When I moved back to Canada, I spent several years in personal counselling before going back to school to become a counsellor. I was finally ready to talk and ready to continue the healing that had started on my trip. I knew I couldn’t do it alone, and I knew the triggers would come back now that the excitement of cycling from country to country was over. I’m endlessly grateful for the counsellors who helped me. I started in CBT to rework my self-shaming thoughts and my social anxiety, then I moved into somatic trauma counselling to learn how to heal psychologically through the power of my body, and then I continued the trauma processing work through EMDR. I still have sleepless nights with flashbacks but they’re few and far between now, and when they happen, I know how to ground myself, breathe through it, and look for my body’s wisdom to heal and do what it needs to. I still sometimes get urges to go back into those self-destructive behaviours, but I now know what to do with those urges rather than giving in to them. I’ve developed great friendships, thanks to my counsellors who helped me get out of my own way and soothe my social anxiety. And every day I get the massive privilege of walking with my clients on their journeys toward healing. I’m still a work in progress and know I will always be, and so I continue to work on myself, see my counsellor, and challenge myself to talk to friends and my partner when I need to. I’m endlessly grateful to the people who have helped me along the way, and continue to help me. We’re all in this together and we all have the capacity to grow and heal even if it sometimes really doesn’t feel like it.
I hope my story encourages you, and reiterates that we are all on a journey toward hope and healing. If we can help you on your journey, please
