by Fiona Scott | Dec 15, 2025 | Communication, Family, holiday, Mental Health, Parenting, Seasonal, Self Care, Teens, Tips
Let’s face it: for every Hallmark movie and overly-sentimental advert on our tv showing happy families enjoying together time in peace and harmony – there’s a very stressed-out parent, grandparent or family member trying to figure out a way for a group of people with their own issues, needs, wants and opinions to all be in the same place, at the same time, without World War III erupting …
If you add in a 2SLGBTQIA+ family member into the mix, there are many opportunities for accidental (or deliberate) offense to be given, feelings to be hurt, and opinions to be shared (whether everyone wants to hear them or not). So, if you have a 2SLGBTQIA+ teen or young adult in your family, how can you make sure to be the support they need at this time of year?
Firstly, I think it’s important to recognize that, with the current state of the world as it is, being a young 2SLGBTQIA+ individual is an extremely vulnerable place to be. And so our kiddos need adults in their life who are willing to ensure that they are protected, supported and encouraged. That is one of the reasons that the Step Forward Society has financially enabled Alongside You to start a mental health support group for 2SLGBTQIA+ youth, so that there are even more adults in these young peoples’ lives who are there to be part of their ‘team’.
In order to be the best ally you can for a young 2SLGBTQIA+ person, here are some hints, tips and suggestions. These are by no means the only things we can do – but it’s a start to the conversation.
Understand uniqueness
Please remember that every situation is different, every person is different, and every person on earth has their own set of needs to be met in order to thrive. So that’s the first tip – don’t assume! ASK. Here’s just a couple of examples: ask family members you haven’t seen for a while or don’t know well what pronouns they prefer – this normalizes the expectation that peoples’ pronouns will be respected, and makes it more likely that others in the family will follow suit. If you are organizing a family outing, ask if anyone will need access to universal/non-gendered bathroom. If you’re not sure, ask!
Help is only helpful if it’s helping!
Ask what YOUR 2SLGBTQIA+ young person would like help with – are they willing to stand up to homophobic Uncle Zebediah* when he goes on a rant or do they need you to intervene? Do they want you to engage in a stand-up fight for their rights, or would that make them want to melt into the carpet, and they’d rather just be rescued and avoid that particular discussion for another year? In our desire to be our kiddos’ dragon-slayer, and show our pride for them, it can be easy to lose track of the fact that what we’d like to do may be less important right now than what they need us to do.
‘My House, My Rules’
If you have family members who cannot be relied upon to ‘play nice in the sandbox’ around your 2SLGBTQIA+ young person, you can absolutely set the tone if you are hosting. Some families have rules around ‘no politics’, or ‘no religion’ at family gatherings – and if your kiddo is not in a good place to be questioned (or doesn’t feel like educating others, which is absolutely their right) then it is your right to set that expectation with guests in your home.
In order to save everyone embarrassment, and stop feelings running high, I would suggest that you gently and kindly bring this up prior to any large family gathering, so that the expectation is set. You could even have some allies in your family who are willing to spot any potential tinder-points and rush in to ‘deal’ with Uncle Zebediah (eg get him talking about his antique shoe polish collection).
The Great Escape
No, not the 1963 Steve McQueen movie (although that is a good flick!). I’m talking about giving the young 2SLGBTQIA+ person you are supporting options – this could look like asking them to help with younger family members (so that they’re simply not free to engage in a conversation with Uncle Zebediah). Obviously, if they enjoy kids, that’s great – but whatever plan you come up with (together with them, of course) – should be something that they enjoy, too.
Maybe this looks like a family hike, or trip to a Christmas village or lights installation, so that people are walking around, splitting into groups, having something else to focus on (and there is an opportunity for them to ‘disappear’ and gather themselves for a few minutes if they’re getting overwhelmed). Or a trip to the theatre or movies so that opportunities for conversation are naturally limited.
This could also look like making sure that your kiddo has opportunities to get out of the house and visit with their friends over the holiday, so that they have a pressure valve built in to their break. Same goes for you! Try to make sure you get opportunities to have a break, so that you can fully appreciate the holidays.
Comfort and Joy
Comfort clothing, comfort foods, comfort shows … there are many ways in which we use comfort items to help us regulate our emotions. You may have an expectation that the whole family dress up in matching Christmas PJs for photos and be frustrated if your kid doesn’t want to comply. But perhaps they’re experiencing body dysphoria and this make them feel worse about themselves, but their vintage Metallica hoody makes them feel OK.
Or perhaps you want everyone to watch ‘A Christmas Story’ and it’s frustrating that someone in your family wants to watch Brooklyn 99, or the Gilmore Girls, or a Studio Ghibli movie, again. Slaving for hours over the perfect holiday meal, only to have your kiddo rummage in the pantry for ramen noodles? I bet that raises some hackles!
My point is that we seek comfort because it helps us to cope with our emotions and, in higher stress times, the tendency is to look for the things we know well, so there are no surprises, and nothing new for our brains and nervous systems to have to adapt to. So, if you’re noticing these comfort-seeking behaviours in your 2SLGBTQIA+ child, it’s a sure sign that they’re feeling stress in some way. At this point, it’s worth asking yourself what your intention for the holiday is – do you want it all to ‘look’ the way you imagined in your mind, regardless of whether everyone is happy or not? Or do you want to make people feel at ease, encourage each member of the family to join in by meeting their needs – and in the process, have a chance to experience real joy.
Summary
There are as many options to support your young 2SLGBTQIA+ loved ones as there are colours in the Pride rainbow! But the take-away is that validating our kiddos’ feelings, paying attention to their needs and asking what truly would help them the most are all good ways to make sure that everyone has a peaceful, happy and fulfilling holiday.
All of us at Alongside You and Step Forward Society wish you a very happy, healthy and peaceful holiday season, whatever and however you celebrate.
*our apologies to anyone actually named Zebediah! No offense intended.
by Fiona Scott | Aug 22, 2025 | Curiosity, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Self Care, Self Confidence, Tips
Many of us have heard of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), which is a beneficial and effective therapy to help us change our thoughts and behaviours. However, you may have had Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) recommended to you and wondered ‘what’s the difference?’.
What’s different about Dialectical Behaviour Therapy?
DBT is one of several valuable therapies which came out of the CBT tradition. Dr. Marsha Linehan, who developed the DBT framework, started her career by working with some of the most distressing symptoms which we see as counsellors – suicide attempts, self-harm, addictions and hopelessness. Part of the reason she did that was because – well, she’d been there herself1.
What’s with that word: ‘dialectical’?
The ’dialectical’ in DBT just means opposing – and we come across so many examples of that in our own lives. In DBT, we recognize that there are some things about ourselves and our lives that we may not like, but we have to accept in order to make progress. On the other hand, there are things which we can change, and if we can, we must. This apparent contradiction between acceptance and change (and how to tell the difference), is super-important, and can be very empowering.
DBT is a skills-based therapy. This can seem daunting, because there are quite a few skills to learn, and a full course of DBT skills here at Alongside You takes 24 weeks. However, let’s break down why this may be necessary. We can probably all agree that circumstances in our childhood may get in the way of us learning certain skills (eg emotion regulation). This will mean that, as adults, we will have to learn those skills. We often feel great shame about not having all this ‘at our fingertips’ – but if nobody had ever taught us to read, would we really be surprised if we struggled? Of course not! So we can start removing the shame, and working on learning the skills that will allow us to thrive.
Do I have to have BPD to benefit from DBT?
If you Google DBT, you are going to see reference to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Often, DBT is recommended for BPD which is a distressing condition resulting in difficulties regulating our emotions. It’s clear that adverse childhood experiences are implicated in this condition (some sources suggest up to 90% of clients with BPD have experienced childhood trauma2).
However, this is NOT the only reason to attend a DBT skills group. DBT is a safe and effective therapy for many problems, including:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- suicidal ideation
- self-harming
- rejection sensitivity dysphoria
- and many more3.
I can say, as someone who facilitates these groups, that I personally use these skills every single day of my life. They are practical, simple to understand and relatively easy to implement. That being said, as with every single therapy or intervention, we will get out of it exactly what we put in. The more we practice, the better we’ll get and the easier it will become.
Does it have to be in a group?
Before I became a counsellor, the idea of ‘group therapy’ was something I would totally have rejected. I had a LOT of preconceptions (mostly based on tv and movies!) and a fear of sharing my ‘stuff’ in public. However, having been part of several groups now, I have seen (and felt) the benefits of being in groups. Firstly, concerns about confidentiality can be worrying – however confidentiality is absolutely the first thing we cover in group. Remember, others will be as careful of keeping your stuff private as they hope you’ll be in keeping their info safe! More than anything else, having the opportunity to share your experiences with others who really ‘get it’ and won’t judge you is a truly validating and safe experience. Being able to learn from others’ experiences, have them learn from you and share your triumphs and failures in a supportive environment cannot be overstated. It really is kind of magical – and highly-effective.
Being Effective
Talking about being effective, that’s one of the words you’ll hear most frequently in DBT. Once we start letting go of that judgement (which means letting go of our iron grip on ‘good and bad’ or ‘right and wrong’), we need a helpful way to assess our behaviour and how well it serves us. Enter ‘effectiveness’. Are the behaviours we are exhibiting effective in getting what we want? Or do they make us less effective? It’s a very powerful way for us to evaluate what we’re doing, and how things change when we change.
Freedom Through Control
So, here’s the ultimate ‘dialectic’ (or opposing) concept. When we aren’t good at regulating our emotions, very often our emotions do the reacting and behaving for us. If you’ve ever felt like you are watching yourself having a meltdown while completely unable to do anything about it – your emotions are in the driving seat. Paradoxically, when we gain more control over our emotions, it allows us to choose our response and our behaviour. When we have choices, we gain true freedom. This absolutely does not mean that we learn to squash our emotions down, or ignore them – quite the opposite. By giving them permission to be felt, we can learn how to cope with unpleasant or upsetting feelings, and deal with them in a better way than acting out, hurting others or hating ourselves.
I’m Interested – Now What?
Here is a link to an interview with Dr. Marsha Linehan which explains the essence and basics of DBT4. If you are interested in joining our fall group (starting October 28th), please contact us here to find out more. We look forward to answering any questions you might have!
Citations
1 Full Audiobook (Ed.). (2025, June 12). Building a Life Worth Living: A Memoir Audiobook by Marsha M. Linehan. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4x11qE6F-0&ab_channel=FullAudiobook
2 Bozzatello, P., Rocca, P., Baldassarri, L., Bosia, M., & Bellino, S. (2021). The Role of Trauma in Early Onset Borderline Personality Disorder: A Biopsychosocial Perspective. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12, 721361. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.721361
3 Core Evidence & Research. Behavioural Tech Institute. (n.d.). https://behavioraltech.org/evidence/
4 HSE Ireland. (2014, December 14). Marsha Linehan – Interview. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR7Oi0cyoVo&ab_channel=HSEIreland
by Fiona Scott | Dec 16, 2024 | Anxiety, burnout, Creativity, Guidance, holiday, Mental Health, Positive, Relationships, rest, Seasonal, Self Care, Stress, Tips
Where did all this holiday stress come from?
Diwali and Thanksgiving are over. Hannukah, Christmas and Solstice are rapidly approaching. Eid is still a little way off. But whatever and however you do, or don’t, celebrate, it’s impossible to miss ‘The Holiday Season’. It’s everywhere. It’s on every social media outlet, tv station, radio station … and it’s exhausting.
Don’t get me wrong – I love me some cheesy music, lots of pretty lights and the excitement of an approaching ‘event’. But even though this year we don’t have children to deal with (ours have grown), major family commitments, or a lot of enforced socializing, I still find myself automatically going into that continuous, low-grade panic state. You know, that constant pressure to get it all done, have my home in a state of decoration that I’d never consider necessary during the year, become an instant gourmet cook, be able to source the perfect locally-made and sold goods (affordably) for people I don’t know that well … and on, and on, and on.
This isn’t meant to be a downer. I’m just wondering, in the middle of this apparent marathon which is December, to take a detour from the prescribed racecourse? Here are some suggestions – and please, this is NOT supposed to be a ‘more things to check off the list’ set of tasks. Just a few thoughts about making some meaning at a time that’s meant to be meaningful, but often leads to sadness, stress, mental load and overwhelm.
Make a New Tradition
We all love our traditions, don’t we? Well … do we? I spent years making my family come to pick out and cut down a real Christmas tree – my favourite family tradition – until I realized that everyone except me hated it, and once I knew that, I couldn’t really enjoy it anymore. So, that’s no longer on the list.
So, how about making a new tradition? Or tweaking an old one? Would the big family get-together work better on Christmas Eve, or Boxing Day? Could an annual snowfight become a new tradition in your family? Or a holiday scavenger hunt?
What would it look like to do the usual things, but in a way that didn’t load on hany big expectations? Could making cookies with the family HAVE to be from absolute scratch with hand-piped designs, or could you buy the ready-made dough with the baked-in designs and let the kids do it themselves (with predictable but fun results)?
Play Dysfunctional Family Bingo
How I wish I could take credit for this, but it goes to the author Martha Beck. If you HAVE to attend a family celebration and you’re dreading it (for whatever reason), find one or more fellow attendees who are likely feeling the same as you (whether it’s your partner, a cousin, whatever) and make up a bingo card of all the things you’re worried might happen. Auntie Dolly will have one too many and start singing embarrassing rugby songs. Grandpa will say something insensitive about minorities. Uncle Dave will bring up politics and start an argument. One of the kids will sneak chocolate and get it all over Cousin Sally’s white sofa. You get the drill! That way, when the feared worse DOES happen, then you can sneak a look at your co-conspirators and it will become funny, rather than awful. Trust me, it works!
Have Breakfast for Dinner
At some point during the holidays, have breakfast for dinner – whether it’s a huge fried hot meal, or cold cereal. Pair it with hot chocolate or hot apple cider, and make it a fun occasion. Don’t worry – just for once – about making sure the kids have 3 vegetables, or whether they’ll get crazy on the sugar. Just let everyone choose what will make them happy, and release all expectations for just one night.
You could tweak this to be a hot dog night, or anything else that everyone else will enjoy – the point is to take the pressure off everyone for a day, be a bit silly, and take a moment to relax your expectations.
For Goodness’ Sake, Get Out!
Isn’t it interesting that we have this perception that we should spend 24/7 with our loved ones at this time? If you don’t play ‘happy families’ at other times, then why do you think that you should be able to do that at a time the stress is already high? Find reasons to get out, whether it’s walking the dog, offering to be the one to pop out to the store to get extra stuffing or being the one to drive someone home after they’ve had a few drinks (buying you the solo drive back home).
The point of this is to manufacture little breaks in your time where you can put on some music/podcast, or just listen to the peace and quiet outside, take a few breaths, allow some stillness to creep into your mind and realize that life will go back to normal soon.
Try to Manage Expectations
You may have a very strong opinion on how things should go during the holidays. However, try thinking of things from others’ perspectives – maybe the twins’ parents need to leave early because right now it’s taking 3 hours to get them both to sleep. Maybe Uncle Bert refuses to attend a family dinner because he is scared to drive home at night but doesn’t want anyone to know. We don’t always know why people behave the way that they do, but if we can try to ‘assume best intentions’ – that they have their reasons and it probably doesn’t have anything to do with you – then it’s a lot easier to enjoy whatever energy people bring at this time of year, and return your best to them, also.
Support for Holiday Stress: Navigating the Season with Ease
If you’re finding the holiday season especially overwhelming this year, you’re not alone. The pressure to meet expectations, balance family dynamics, and maintain a sense of peace can take a toll on your mental well-being. Alongside You is here to support you during this challenging time. Whether you’re struggling with anxiety, stress, or simply need someone to talk to, our team of compassionate professionals is ready to help. Don’t face the holiday season alone — contact us today to explore how we can help you navigate this time with greater ease and peace of mind.
Whatever your holidays do, or don’t, look like – happy holidays, and I hope you find some peace this year.
by Fiona Scott | Sep 6, 2024 | ADHD, Anxiety, Autism, Children, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Teens, Tips
So, it’s that time of year again… time to gather up your mental strength and prepare to dive back into another school year. However, for those of us with kids under the neurodivergent umbrella, it can be an additional challenge, or even a cause for dread.
Will the teacher ‘get’ your kid?
Should you go in giving them a whole lot of information about your kiddo, or will that start things off on the wrong foot?
How long until the IEP gets updated, and will it even be useful?
Is your kiddo going to throw a fit because this is the year the classroom stops using pencil crayons or they’re expected to learn square dancing in PE?
Support Your Neurodivergent Kid by Supporting Youself
Breathe. I mean it, BREATHE. There are lots of things that you can do to prepare for the new school year, and there are a whole lot of things that you can’t prepare for, and that tends to be where the panic sets in. And I get it – I used to take every ‘first day of school’ off work because I was so anxious about my neurodivergent kiddos that there was no chance of getting any useful work done. I want you to know, though, that this is just one moment in a whole lifetime for your kiddo. It may have huge significance for you, but they may not even remember it in 10 years’ time. So, let’s take a deep breath and adjust our perspective.
There are two issues in parenting a school-aged kiddo who is neurodivergent. One is helping the kid deal with all the challenges they encounter, which may be more complicated than for their more neurotypical peers. The second issue is dealing with your own feelings about your child’s challenges. It can be really hard seeing them struggle with friendships, or be down on themselves because they don’t understand the teacher when they’re explaining math. Our parental spidey senses are constantly on alert trying to anticipate, and avoid, potential problems. So, a lot of our energy is going to be on managing ourselves, and being that calm presence that our kids can rely on as a safe place.
There are a whole lot of things that you can do to help your children with the practical, emotional and social aspects of transitioning to a new school year. For example, along with my colleague Ruth Germo, we have a webinar on transitions to high school. There are a host of good resources out there on the internet, too. And these are the things that parents can keep themselves very busy with at this time of year.
However, this year, I’m going to challenge you (because you definitely don’t have enough on your plates already!) to take a moment a couple of times a day to:
- Stop
- Breathe
- Check in with yourself
- Feel your feelings
- Acknowledge the tough emotions
- Give yourself a little love and grace
- Recognize that ‘this too shall pass’
- Refocus on the long-term goals/plans
- One more nice deep breath, and …
- Back to it, big smile (you know the one)
Neurodivergent Kids Need Us.
In my humble opinion, one of the most underrated predictors of childhood success in schools is parents. Not because we read to them every night, or make them do their homework, drive them to endless stuff or advocate for them (although that’s all extremely important, too). It’s because we’re the safe space they come home to, and launch from. We’re there to commiserate and comfort them on the tough stuff, celebrate with them on the wins, you know, the ones that nobody else will ‘get’, remember their preferences and needs so that they always have the ‘right’ socks or remember to charge their headphones.
We’re their foundation. And if we don’t give ourselves the bare minimum of consideration and care, we won’t be as able to be that safe space for them. I know, truly, I know, they come first. All I’m asking is that you don’t always put yourself last.
If you find that you’re struggling with this, or any aspect of parenting your special needs children, consider reaching out for help. There are people who have lived experience and education who can understand and who won’t judge you for the fact that your kid has eaten white bread with marshmallow spread every day for the last 6 years because that’s all they’ll eat. We’ve been where you are. And we not only survived it, we can let you know that it is all worth it.
by Fiona Scott | Jul 26, 2024 | ADHD, Autism, Communication, Connection, Encouragement, Guidance, Mental Health, Tips
So, you have a friend who tells you they are ‘neurodivergent’. This might mean that they have autism, ADHD, Down’s syndrome, synaesthesia, Tourette’s syndrome… or a number of other conditions. Basically, it just means that their brains work a little differently than what is considered ‘typical’. This can mean that they are incredibly smart, creative and sensitive – but it can also mean that they may struggle with certain aspects of daily life. If you’re reading this blog post so that you can learn how to best support them and be their friend, read on!
What Should I Know About Neurodivergence?
It’s hard to describe the way in which sensory input can be overwhelming to people with neurodivergence. Not only can it make it even harder for the brain to process information through all the sensory “noise”, it can be really difficult to tolerate, to the point of being painful. You can help your friends by understanding what they need in order to deal with tough situations. For example, if you know that your friend is sensitive to noise, make sure they have their noise-cancelling headphones with them – make room in your bag if need be! Realize that even if they are doing something they love, they may need to take a break, go outside or to a quieter corner, chill out or regroup. You can always ask them what they need! If you’re going somewhere you know will be challenging, have a plan for if things get too much.
Don’t rely on your neurodivergent friend remembering something you told them, like what needs to be done before the party next week, or the deadline for the next academic paper. Especially if they are currently doing something else, stressed out, or coping with a lot of external sensory stimulation, they may converse with you and seem engaged, but may not be able to turn that input into longer-term memory. Ask your friend what works best to help them remember – is texting or emailing better? Do they want you to bug them until they put it into their Google calendars? They know what works for them best.
How Can I Be Supportive?
A lot of neurodivergent people rely on plans to help them to prepare for situations that might become overwhelming. So when plans change without warning, they can become really stressed out. As much as possible, try to stick to the plan and, if something happens to derail it, be prepared to do whatever will help, whether that’s getting a favourite “comfort” coffee drink, finding ways to make it easier, or even abandoning plans to try again another day. Again, don’t be afraid to ask the person what they need.
Neurodivergent people often feel really guilty about having to have people make extra effort for them. If you do have to go out of your way, do things differently from what you’re used to, or even abandon a planned outing, try not to make them feel bad. That doesn’t mean ignoring your own feelings – just try not to let your frustrations show too much. Guaranteed, they are even more frustrated than you are!
It’s wonderful to give choices, but when neurodivergent people get overwhelmed, sometimes it’s too much to have to make a decision. You can ask, “do you need me to make a decision for you?”, or maybe offer a choice of two options, rather than six. Obviously, this applies to questions like which takeout to choose … not which school to attend or career to pursue! Decision fatigue is also a real issue, which is why activities like grocery shopping can be really tough (as well as the overwhelming sensory stimuli). Sometimes, just being with your friend (known as body doubling) can help them to feel grounded enough to make progress themselves.
Learn More About Allyship
If you are interested in learning more about neurodivergence or how to better support your loved ones, please contact our Client Care Team to connect with an experienced clinician.
