by Andrew Neufeld | Oct 25, 2018 | Depression, Emotional, Neurofeedback
Neurofeedback is one of the most amazing technologies at our disposal for so many reasons. It’s an invaluable tool for overall resilience, cognitive flexibility, mental health management, sleep enhancement, and so much more. One of the most common questions I get, however, is how on earth does it work? I’m going to do my best to explain it here for you!
Dynamic Neurofeedback Training
The type of neurofeedback training that we use here at Alongside You is called dynamic neurofeedback. What this means is that our neurofeedback system constantly monitors the brain using electroencephalography (EEG) and provides feedback to train your brain. To put this into perspective, our system monitors the brain 256 times per second. That’s a lot of feedback!
The feedback happens through video and audio sources. During neurofeedback training, you’ll be watching a computer screen that displays a variety of moving images and listening to an audio soundtrack. The neurofeedback system monitors your brain activity through EEG, and when it senses that your brain activity on the various wavelengths is outside of the optimal range for your brain, it interrupts the video and audio signals briefly. Because this interruption is tied to your specific brain activity, your brain knows to connect the dots. This allows your brain to know what it is doing at that point in time, and adjust accordingly.
I Still Don’t Get How It Works Andrew!
Let me explain a little bit more then! One of our misconceptions is that because our brain is constantly working, it must know what it’s doing at all times. This is unfortunately not the case. It’s like when I grew around 6 inches in one year, I kept walking into door frames because I didn’t realize where my shoulders were in 3-D space! What our brain is able to do, however, is adjust itself for optimal health if it has the information it needs. Neurofeedback training is what helps provide the necessary information for the brain to change itself.
Imagine you’re driving. Anyone who has driven for any length of time knows that the mind wanders sometimes. Every once in a while, we’ll wander too far to the right and our right tires will go over the shoulder, and we’ll feel a rub strip or gravel under the tires, and hear a noise that signals to us that we are over the shoulder. What happens next is automatic – we naturally move over to the left a little bit. We generally don’t even need to think about it, we just do it. This is analogous to what happens with our brain during neurofeedback training. The interruptions in the audio and video signal to the brain where it is on the wavelengths. The brain uses this information and adjusts itself accordingly. Over time, this training helps the brain stay within the optimal range on the various wavelengths on an ongoing basis.
How Long Does Neurofeedback Training Take?
This is the million-dollar question! It’s also an understandable one. We all want to know how long something is going to take. It’s really no different than wanting to know how long counselling is going to take. Unfortunately, the answer may not be any more gratifying than the answer to how long counselling is going to take: it depends.
Here’s the truth – it depends because every brain is different. It’s also challenging to predict because dynamic neurofeedback training is not a specific treatment for a specific symptom, it is a whole-brain training aimed at helping the entire brain function better. Because of this, we can’t claim that neurofeedback will cure your anxiety, depression, or otherwise. What we can say, however, is that by helping your brain to function better, symptoms that exist because your brain is not functioning at its best are likely to improve. What I can say, is that this has definitely been my experience in working with clients with neurofeedback. Symptoms of concern do improve, our ability to manage any remaining symptoms gets better, and we become more flexible and resilient, but it takes time.
It may be helpful to think of neurofeedback training as gym training for your brain. When we go to the gym, we don’t see much improvement after one workout. We see improvement over a series of workouts, and over a consistent effort to train. How fast each of us builds muscle, and get in shape depends on a whole lot of variables, so in the same way, we can’t predict how long it’s going to take for you to build the muscles you want and get in the shape you’re looking for. What we do know, however, is that if you train consistently over time, you’ll build muscle, and you’ll get in better shape.
How Do You Know It Works?
This is a great question. Monitoring brain changes can be challenging, but here’s how we do it. Before you start, we use a variety of tracking tools to track the symptoms you have concerns about, and over the course of the sessions, we repeat these tracking tools to look at improvements. In addition, we check in with you each session to see how things are going and what you’re noticing. The true indication of whether it’s helping is the answer to a very simple question: “How do you feel now versus how you felt before we started?” Sometimes it’s hard to notice the shifts, and this is where we can also help you monitor by asking the right questions to pick up on shifts.
I have noticed significant positive results in my clients who have done neurofeedback training. In fact, it’s uncanny how positive it has been. I hope this article has helped explain a bit more about neurofeedback, how it works, and how it might be helpful. If you have any more questions, give us a call and we’d be happy to answer them!
by Andrew Neufeld | Sep 27, 2018 | Counselling, Guidance, Tips
I recently attended the Recovery Capital Conference of Canada 2018 with our associate, Richard Somerset. This is the second year we’ve gone to the conference, and each year I leave, reminded of one thing: the importance of hope. It’s wonderful to hear the research, discuss different topics, see old friends; but, what I enjoy most are the stories from clinicians and people from the recovery community alike – stories of recovery, rejuvenation, and hope.
The role of counselling in recovery is an interesting one. I remember my earlier days working on the downtown east side with youth living on the street and suffice it to say, my “office” was pretty different back then. Most of my work involved a trip to Tim Horton’s, or sitting in a local park, or even sitting on the ground in various alleys. Most of my work back then seemed less “clinical” if you will – you might even call it counselling guidance.
The reality was, as it still often is, that there was precious little I could do to make things better. Some of the stories I heard from these youth were devastating, horrific even, and it didn’t stop. I could help find them a place to stay at Covenant House, my employer at the time. I could talk to them about job opportunities, addiction treatment options, mental health resources. What I couldn’t do is change their past, or sometimes, their present and future.
So, what then? What good is counselling guidance? How does it instill hope in a life where there doesn’t seem to be any?
What I found in the alleys of the downtown east side of Vancouver, and what I continue to find in my nice, cushy office in the suburbs, is that most of my role in the lives of others is as a guide – helping people find their way back to seeing hope in themselves. Hope in who they are. Hope in what they could become. Even if some of the circumstances don’t change.
This is the power of empathy and connection. While our current circumstances are important, I find that they have very little to do with hope. We can be in the worst of times and be hopeful, and we can be in the best of times and find it meaningless. This is where the guidance fits in.
Counselling guidance, in this case, takes the form of slowly helping clients entertain the idea that hope resides in self and others, and not in the situation. Hope resides in the idea that you are still, at your core, worthy of love and that life can be different. In the words of Marsha Linehan, life can be worth living again.
How, then, can we start finding hope, and even joy in the midst of emotional and/or situational turmoil? How can counselling help this process along? Here are three things to keep in mind in terms of counselling and hope:
- You are not your addiction, your depression, your borderline personality disorder, or otherwise. These are all things that love to tell you otherwise, preying on the negative thought processes and painful emotions that may be running through heart, mind, and soul.
- There is always hope. You may not see it right now, and you may think that what you’ve done, what you’re battling, or what you anticipate are too much for hope to conquer. What I can tell you is that in all of my experience, I’ve never seen these things evidenced in truth. There are no hopeless causes, hopeless battles, or hopeless futures if we continue to hold on.
- You may not be in a place where you can hold hope for yourself. You may need someone to hold if for you. This is where a counsellor comes in. Our job, in my view, is to hold hope for those that can’t hold it for themselves. I know I’ve been there. I consider it an honour to be able to hold hope for others.
If you see yourself in any of the above, I would encourage you to give counselling a try. Sometimes counselling is a very specific clinical intervention. Sometimes, however, it’s guidance, and guidance toward the possibility of hope.
If we have hope, we have a chance.
by Andrew Neufeld | Aug 31, 2018 | Anxiety, Children, Communication, Counselling
It’s that time of year again; the time of year where summer ends, and kids are going back to school. I find that this time of year brings one of two primary reactions from parents:
“Hallelujah! They’re back in school and I can finally get things done around the house or at work again!”
Or
“Oh no, my babies are gone back to school! Are they going to be ok? How are they going to survive? What if they [insert any number of parental fears here]….”
Sometimes I wonder who has more anxiety during the return to school period – the kids, or the parents? Counselling for children during this time period can be very helpful, as can counselling for parents. What else is helpful as we prepare our kids for school?
One thing that’s clear, both in my personal experience (clinically, and with my own kids) is that our own emotional climate has a great effect on our kids’ emotional well-being as they return to school. If we are feeling anxious, chances are they’re going to pick up on it and join the anxiety party. If we’re calm, they may not join that party, but at least we’ll be in a position to help.
I get it. I hear your fears and anxieties as parents of young children. It’s normal to be anxious about this time of the year. So, what can we do to help our kids during this important transition? I’d like to offer four questions that we can ask our kids to open a conversation with them as they go back to school. I believe this dialogue will not only help their anxiety (which it will), but it will also build up the reservoir of empathy that is so needed, and strengthen your relationship with them.
1. How are you feeling about going back to school?
What is your greatest fear, and what are you most excited about? With this question, we’re inviting our children to share their emotional world with us, and at the same time, we’re making it explicit that it’s ok to have fears and it’s ok to be excited. We’re also introducing the idea that it’s possible to have both excitement and fear all at the same time! The psychobabble word for this validation.
By validating their excitement and their fears, we’re helping them feel known, accepted, and heard. This is the very basis of empathy, the greatest antidote to stress and existential anxiety. It’s the greatest tool we have with our children and their fight against their anxiety.
2. How do you feel when you’re in school?
What helps you enjoy the great parts and manage the hard parts? This question helps our child explore how they are doing during the school day when we’re not there. Research out of Yale University shows the importance of helping children have a “mood meter” throughout the day at school. It helps them understand their world as well as regulate their emotions. While specific techniques to manage mood are great, their research shows that simply paying attention to our emotions in a validating environment produces emotional benefits and helps students manage their emotions better in school and at home, all while reducing overall stress.
3. How do you feel during recess and lunch?
What are you looking forward to, and what might be more difficult? This question is a sneaky one. This is how we find out about their relationships at school and how they are doing with their peers. I don’t know about you, but if I ask my kids directly, “How are your relationships with your friends,” I’ll invariably receive an answer along the lines of, “Fine.” Or sometimes it’s, “I don’t know,” and finally, if I’m really lucky, I just get, “Dad! Stop butting in!”
If, however, we ask our kids how they are feeling during the times where they’re interacting socially with their peers, we’ll get a glimpse into their relationships. If they’re connecting well with other students we’ll likely get positive reports; if not, we might hear things like, “I’m bored,” or, “I’m lonely,” or, “I hate lunch.” This provides us with an opportunity to ask further questions, but now with a reason that the child has provided themselves. We can ask, “Wow, I’m sorry to hear you hate lunch and I’m curious what it is about lunch that isn’t going well?”
Sometimes, no matter how we ask, our children may not tell us what’s going on. If that’s the case, we can still get a win. Even if we can’t address that problem directly, at least we can provide empathy. If all else fails, we can still respond with, “Wow, I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time at lunch. I’m not sure how I can help, but I’m glad you told me.”
4. How do you feel when you get home?
What do you need after a day at school? This final question gives us a window into what our kids need after a long day of school, and believe me, the school day is long for our kids. Each kid is unique, however, and their needs after a day of school are wide and varied. Some kids need to run, some need a nap, some need a hug, some need…well, we’re not sure what. This is our chance to give our kids the opportunity to tell us what they need so we can help them get their need met.
It also provides us with a unique opportunity to connect in a meaningful way with our kids after their day and show that we’re interested in their world. It keeps us from simply yelling, “Don’t drop your jacket on the floor! Put your bag away! Take your shoes off, etc., etc.,” as our main way of connecting when they get in the door.
As parents, we can’t fix everything for our kids. We can’t solve all of their problems, but in this one question, we can at least begin to learn what they need after school so that we can help meet that need. If we can do this, we’ll help reduce their stress, which has many, many benefits for the kids.
It also has the net benefit that if we reduce their stress, give them opportunities to connect, our time with them will be less stressful, and they may actually be less likely to fling their backpacks across the room in frustration as soon as they open the door after school.
Our greatest job as parents
I hope this article is helpful as we all prepare for next week and the return to school. We all love our kids and we often feel like our job is to fix everything. I want to encourage us to focus on accepting our child’s answers to these questions and not let our own anxiety put us into “make it better mode.” If we fall prey to this, we do the opposite of what our kids need. Our kids need validation and empathy. The great thing is that in order to do this, all we need to do is listen and be with our kids. We don’t have to make it all better, because most of the time, the reality is that we can’t.
Need some help?
Parenting is tough, and this is a tough time of the year for everyone involved. If we can be of any help, please give us a call. This is the time of year is when counselling for children can be extremely helpful. We have a team of counsellors who love working with parents and kids and we’d love to be a resource for you.
by Andrew Neufeld | Aug 2, 2018 | Communication, Connection, Relationship
Reflections on 15 years of marriage…
Today is the anniversary of the best decision I’ve ever made. This sounds cheesy, perhaps, but it also happens to be true. Fifteen years ago, I married Meg, and it’s been a wild ride ever since. Depending on how you recount history, our story either started in grade 5 or when I was 16. I went to school with her twin sister when I was in grade 5, and I remember when she came into our class for the first time to deliver a message to her sister. Now, you have to understand, I was in no way, shape, or form smooth at that age (many would argue that never changed). But, I distinctly remember turning to my friend and saying, “Wow, she could come back more often.”
Fast forward to when I was sixteen and started working at a summer camp. I walked along the boardwalk and low and behold, there was a beautiful girl that I recognized. I walked up to her and asked her, “Do I know you from somewhere?” She, thinking I was feeding her a line, literally got up and ran away. Now, I’m not using the word “literally” in the new-school hipster way, I actually mean she literally got up, moved her feet at a rapid pace, and in the opposite direction. Great start to a relationship.
Needless to say, it took a few years of work to get her to stop running away and to actually consider that I might be marriageable material. But, when I was 20 and she was 21, I asked her to marry me and, as they say, the rest is history.
As I was trying to fall asleep last night, my mind kept circling the question, over and over, “How is it that our relationship has lasted, and gotten infinitely better over time?” See, it hasn’t been easy. We got married young, and in our first year of marriage we went kamikaze with school, work, and other activities and didn’t see each other a whole lot (I definitely do not recommend this approach…). We are quite different people in many ways, and we often don’t see things the same way. And now, we’re business partners full time. Our recipe for success isn’t so simple! I also realize that we’re still in our infancy in our relationship at 15 years in – my parents will be celebrating 48 years of marriage this year, something I aspire to. So, this article isn’t definitive, because we have a long way to go!
I can’t write nearly as much as I wish I could hear, so I’ll save some for a later article. Here are three things that have been helpful to me in our marriage, and I hope will be helpful to you in your relationships.
- If you know you’re wrong, admit it. If you know you’re right, shut up.
A very close family friend wrote this on the wedding card he gave us on our wedding day. I didn’t realize that this was a quote from Ogden Nash at the time, but it’s always stuck with me. Anyone who knows me knows that I love a good argument, and I’m pretty opinionated. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me, but if we’re arguing, I’m going to try to win the argument.
This is not a recipe for success in marriage. If it’s simply an intellectual argument it might be ok. If the argument is about something you’ve done wrong, arguing that you were right is not going to help things. Similarly, if you know you’re right it may not be your best course of action to beat this over the head of your partner. Chances are they know you’re right (even if they don’t want to admit it), and forcing the issue will just breed resentment.
- Accept influence from your partner.
This one does not come naturally to me, at all. I’m not even sure why because I often say, and I sincerely believe, that I married up. It would only make perfect sense for me to accept Meg’s influence as a matter of course, but for some reason, it’s still challenging for me. There’s still a little birdie on my shoulder that, when I’m under stress, tells me that accepting influence is admitting defeat. Let me assure you, it’s not.
Accepting influence from your partner means that we shift from a focus on me and instead, focus on we in the relationship. John and Julie Gottman refer to this as the we-ness of the relationship and it’s something they measure in their research i. If you’re a research geek like me, feel free to have a read of this article that highlights how John Gottman has shown that relationships are far more successful when men accept the influence of their partner. It’s important for women to do this too, but the research seems to show that most women are already pretty good at it.
- 69% of conflict in relationships is due to perpetual problems.
This fact can either be encouraging or be discouraging depending on how you look at it. This statistic comes from John Gottman’s research and it’s been replicated. Perpetual problems are the issues that come up in the relationship over and over again. These problems are due to fundamental personality differences or lifestyle needs and are not going to be solved. These problems simply need to be managed. The conflict stems from the idea that we can change these things, rather than accepting them and managing them.
Part of me finds this frustrating. My brain and my passion drive me toward creating positive change and my superhero complex leads me to believe I can solve all of life’s problems if given enough time. When I’m stuck in this mode, I get frustrated and wonder why, after 15 years, we stumble through the same issues and I haven’t figured out how to solve them yet.
My more reasonable, rational self-finds this encouraging. I find it encouraging that after 15 years of struggling with the same issues, we still have a great marriage. We haven’t given up. We haven’t grown resentful. Somehow, even though we can’t change it, we find a way through it together. Over, and over, and over again.
We’re not perfect, even after 15 years of working at it
I didn’t want this article to come across as Andrew’s guide to having the perfect marriage that he has with his wife, and I hope it doesn’t come across that way. We’re not perfect, and we regularly screw it up. But when we do, we work hard at it.
Relationships are difficult. My marriage is by far the most difficult thing I’ve had to work on, and I can say without reservation, that I’ve had more work to do on myself than my partner has. She’s better at this than I am, she’s more of a natural, and Gottman’s research seems to support this.
What their research also shows, however, is that if I continue to work on this, and continue to accept Meg’s influence, my doing so is one of the most powerful forces to effect positive change in our relationship – and that’s what I’m going to work on for the next 50 years, God willing.
I love you Meg. Thank you for working on this with me and teaching me every day.
It’s ok to laugh at this. Every time I go to one of their training and they use this word, I laugh. Part of maturity is accepting that we laugh at immature things. Or something like that.
If you’re looking for some summer reading that will improve your relationships, check out this book by John Gottman. It’s a great primer for some of the principles that make relationships last!
by Andrew Neufeld | Jul 12, 2018 | Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Mindfulness Meditation
One of the questions we get a lot is what are some of the specific Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) techniques that we teach clients? I think this is a great question and one that we can answer through some blog posts, so here’s the first one – I hope you like it!
Mindfulness is the at the core of dialectical behaviour therapy – it’s the foundation, if you will, that everything else is built upon. Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment, without judgement and without attachment to it. It sounds simple, but it is often very difficult for us to practice in our daily lives.
What are the goals of mindfulness, with respect to DBT, you might wonder? According to Dr. Marsha Linehan, the goals are threefold:
- Reduce suffering and increase happiness
- Increase control of your mind
- Experience reality as it is
The mindfulness skills learned through engaging in dialectical behaviour therapy help clients create their own mindfulness practice. A mindfulness practice involves incorporating different skills into a routine practice that is woven into our lives as a foundation for doing life. This can involve any or all of the skills, meditation, contemplation, and mindful movement.
There are three core mindfulness skills in dialectical behaviour therapy and I want to introduce one of my favourites because it’s one of the ones I’ve found most helpful: Wise Mind.
The Wild Mind
You won’t find this terminology in any DBT books, but it’s what I call the dance between the two extreme states of our minds: logic vs. emotion. In DBT terms, we’d call the two polar opposites Reasonable Mind and Emotion Mind.
Often, we tend toward one or the other especially when we’re under stress. Those of us who are more naturally prone to logic will rely on this part of our mind to make everything rational, logical, and pragmatic at the cost of ignoring emotional content. Others more naturally drawn to emotion will rely on this part of the mind to make everything about mood, feelings, and impulses to do or say things.
As you can probably tell, both of these approaches are likely to create problems because they focus on one area at the cost of ignoring the other. So, what’s the alternative?
The Wise Mind
The concept of Wise Mind within the framework of mindfulness involves combining the two minds, Reasonable Mind and Emotion Mind into a new framework – Wise Mind. Wise Mind balances the Reasonable Mind and Emotion Mind and allows us to follow a middle path.
Another description of Wise Mind is something we often call wisdom. In this case, it’s the wisdom within each of us that combines both our more rational, reasonable mind with the emotion-focused part to create a full picture. This focus allows us to see, and value both reason and emotion, bringing the left and right brains together as one.
I was just remarking to a client that someone once described wisdom to me this way:
“Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Apparently, this quote came from Miles Kingston, a journalist and musician, and what I like is that it helps explain the difference between wisdom and knowledge. In our case, knowledge is what each of our minds is telling us – our reasonable and our emotion mind. Wisdom is knowing how to combine that information and knowing what to do with it – our Wise Mind.
How Can I Get Started Using Wise Mind?
Mindfulness takes practice, as does listening to Wise Mind. Here’s an example exercise that you can try right now to see if you can listen to your inner wisdom using Wise Mind. It’s taken from the Mindfulness Handouts in the DBT Skills Training Manual from Dr. Marsha Linehan:
Asking is this Wise mind?
Breathing in, ask yourself, “Is this (action, thought, plan, etc.) Wise Mind?”
- Breathing out, listen for the answer.
- Listen, but do not give yourself the answer. Do not tell yourself the answer; listen for it.
- Continue asking on each in-breath for some time. If no answer comes, try again another time.
This may not come naturally to you at first, in fact, it probably won’t. Repeat this exercise and see if you can allow yourself to enter a mindful space where you can notice what your Reasonable Mind and Emotion Mind are telling you, and then listen to your Wise Mind to see how you can trust your inner wisdom and operate out of an effective, mindful place in your decisions.
If you’d like help with this, we’re always happy to help! Please give us a call or contact us for options!
References
Linehan, M., M., (2014). DBT Training Manual. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT® skills training handouts and worksheets (2nd ed.). New York, NY, US: Guilford Press.
