The holiday time is supposed to be this stretch of (often, freezing cold) time of laughing and warmth and horribly-corny-but-at-the-same-time-wonderfully-campy movies. And for many of us queers, parts of that holiday stretch are the best. But the holidays can also bring a sort of pressure that really isn’t normally talked about—it’s the pressure of going to, or being in, “home” environments that don’t always understand or show up for the you you.
This time of year can be, complicated. There’s often excitement and love mixed in, and also a lot of emotional navigating. For many queer youth, the holidays aren’t just holidays. They can be a kind of performance season where we try and pretend the only ugly part is our sweaters (which are actually just cute btw).
The unseen stuff queer & trans youth carry into December
Everyone’s experience is different. But some of our experiences are actually common. Here’s what we hear:
- Feeling watched. Not necessarily in a negative way. But even good intentions and genuine curiosity can feel like a lot when it’s nonstop. “What name should I call you?” can be fine, but who wants to answer it over and over and over, let alone to the same few people.
- Being asked questions you didn’t prepare for. “Do you have a boyfriend? Girlfriend?” “What pronouns, champ?” “What is the whole gender thing anyway?” Hey, I like talking about myself as much as the next person, but dare we chill? Since when are deeply personal and complex sexuality and gender identity transformations small talk? Sometimes it’s okay to just want to talk about Taylor Swift’s new album or Kris Jenner’s plastic surgery.
- Dealing with traditions that don’t fit anymore. Traditions can be such a mixed bag. Lots of us have really wonderful memories of traditions we did with our families, but often times traditions weren’t designed with queer and trans identities in mind. What’s important to remember though is if it doesn’t feel like we can be authentic in them, it’s okay to accept them as memories instead of rules.
Some quick tips if the holidays feel like… a lot
Here are just a few things that can help when the holiday energy starts feeling heavy. No “magic” here, just actual and doable things that may work for you:
- Use the bathroom as a breather. Okay, it sounds wild, but taking a few-minute break to breathe, text a friend, just chill out, can totally help just rest your nervous system which can make the next hour feel lighter.
- Have a couple of “neutral response” lines ready. Things like “I’m not getting into that today,” or “It’s a long story, but I’m okay,” can shut down uncomfortable questions without creating more chaos.
- Keep a comforting object in your pocket. Are Tamagotchis still a thing? Think about keeping something in your pocket that that you can fidget with if you want to or something that will just maybe help make you feel more grounded generally.
- Decide ahead of time what topics are off-limits for you. If someone wanders into something you’ve already decided is just not your preference to get into, remember to just not get into it if you can.
- Let yourself keep some things private. It’s not your job to educate everyone! You don’t have to justify language or identity. Privacy isn’t necessarily avoidance—things are allowed to feel and be personal.
The reality is that a lot of queer and trans youth head into December carrying stuff that isn’t always obvious. And sure, this time of year can be stressful or awkward or just… a lot. But it can also make space for embodying the version of yourself that feels honest that day. Remember: you are allowed to protect your peace. Keep honouring yourself, no less this month than any other month. You are okay. <3
Resources
LGBT National Help Centre
Free, confidential peer-support for 2SLGBTQ+ folks. Multiple lines including Youth, Seniors, and Coming Out support (not 24/7).
Website: https://lgbthotline.org
988 Suicide Crisis Helpline
Call or text for immediate support (not queer- or trans-specific).
Dial 988
Trans Lifeline
Peer-run support line for trans and nonbinary people (call only).
Phone: 877-330-6366
Website: https://translifeline.org