by Marcia Moitoso | Sep 13, 2018 | Counselling, Depression, Stress
Over the past two decades, we have seen a steady rise in media attention covering Postpartum Depression (PPD). This is partly because the psychiatric community officially recognized PPD as a distinct condition in the mid-90s [i] and partly because of celebrities who have started to talk about their experiences with postpartum depression. And yes, you read that correctly, although there are abundant records of women talking about their experiences with maternal mental illness from the early 1800s to the present, it only started being recognized as a distinct mental illness in the 1990s[ii]. As you might imagine, the result is that the science, the literature and the media reporting are all a bit behind. Luckily, with organizations such as Postpartum Support International (PSI), the science is finally starting to catch up and hopefully, that means the media and our social perceptions of maternal mental health will too.
What is Postpartum Depression?
Postpartum depression is often used as an umbrella term for all maternal mental health conditions, but in reality, there are a number of maternal mental health conditions that are distinct and vary in terms of severity, duration and characterization. All of these conditions tend to get jumbled up together in the media which is confusing for those who have PPD, as well as their loved ones. So, let’s break it down.
The technical term for postpartum depression is a Major Depressive Episode with Peripartum Onset. What that mouthful of jargon basically means is that PPD can be understood as a depressive episode that lasts a minimum of 2 weeks and is characterized by depressed mood, insomnia or hypersomnia, fatigue, feeling worthless, low interest in pleasurable activities and having thoughts of suicide[iii]. If you read my last blog post about the Baby Blues, you might note here that PPD is very different from the Baby Blues. Baby Blues are a normal part of giving birth where most mothers experience a drop in the mood right after giving birth for a short period of time. PPD not only last longer but is more severe. About 15% of new mothers experience PPD as opposed to 85% of mothers who get the Baby Blues[iv][v]. And while this distinction is important, keep in mind that whether you have the Baby Blues or PPD, you can absolutely get treatment, you don’t have to wait and see if it’s severe enough. Every person’s experience is different, and you deserve help. Do yourself a favour and check in with your doctor, midwife and/or therapist to see how they can support you to feel like yourself again.
Men experience PPD too. A growing body of research has shown that roughly 5% of new fathers experience PPD which comes as no surprise because mothers and fathers both endure the many new stressors like lack of sleep, way more responsibilities and demands put of their plate, and feelings of failure and inadequacy often associated with bringing a baby home[vi].
I won’t go too far into the causes of PPD here but if you ever want to talk about them, my door Alongside You is always open.
I’ve spoken to a lot of mothers and fathers who were very confused about the way their PPD presented itself. Interestingly, PPD might look different from what we might think of as a typical episode of depression. A lot of people with PPD have reported either anger or anxiety as their primary symptoms[vii]. Some experience periods of elevated energy and racing thoughts where they’re unable to sleep and can’t stop cleaning. Many also report panic attacks[viii]. While these responses may feel scary at the time, they are normal and can be helped with a number of different therapies that I will get into at the end of this article.
Overcoming Stigmas and Getting Help
Experts agree that PPD is underdiagnosed, primarily because those who endure it often feel too ashamed to seek help. There’s a common misconception that PPD is associated with infanticide which is simply not true. Those over-reported cases of infanticide are not cases of PPD, they are cases of severe psychosis with peripartum onset. Unlike depression, psychosis is characterized by delusions and hallucinations[ix]. And even if a parent does show signs of psychosis with peripartum onset, it is incredibly rare that these delusions will lead to infanticide[x]. I can’t stress enough how rare that is.
New parents are often under a lot of stress and experience intrusive thoughts. When a person’s brain is in an anxious state, it’s common for their mind to go to the worst possible thing they could do (as if you weren’t stressed enough already…). This happens to all of us. Sometimes when I’m driving up the Sea to Sky highway, my brain imagines veering my car off the cliff. Of course, I will never do that, but my brain plays some pretty wild tricks sometimes, just like yours might when you’re under a lot of stress and your baby is still crying.
The main danger with PPD is that the stigmas that result from those sensationalized media stories keep many new parents from reaching out for help. As a result, suicide (not infanticide) is the greatest risk associated with PPD.
What can Help Postpartum Depression
As I mentioned at the start of this blog, science is catching up and we now have many treatments to choose from for PPD. Some find antidepressants helpful, like one woman said, “the me I was used to re-appeared after medication.” Other treatments include infant sleep interventions, massage therapy and relaxation, increasing Omega-3 intake (fish, nuts, seeds, healthy oils), spiritual practices, yoga, bright light therapy and, of course, counselling (individual and couples counselling are both helpful). For most new parents, a combination of any of these above methods works best.
I’ll leave you with a simple and accurate quote from a mother I recently spoke with who had PPD – “Let people help, they want to.”
We’d love to help, if you’ll let us. Give us a call at the office, or contact us through our contact page and we’ll be happy to talk to you about how we might be of help!
Some books that have been helpful to others:
- Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness: Mom Stories from the Trenches: A Second Edition Monkey Star Press Anthology (What Is a Mother to Do? Adventures in Motherhood and Mayhem) – by: Lisa Nolan, et al.
- When Postpartum Packs a Punch: Fighting Back and Finding Joy – by: Kristina Cowan
- Tokens of Affection: Reclaiming Your Marriage After Postpartum Depression 1st Edition -by: Karen Kleiman, Amy Wenzel
- The Birth Partner: Everything you Need to Know to Help a Woman through Childbirth – by: Penny Simkin
References:
American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (4th ed.) VA: American Psychiatric Association
[1] Segre, L.S., & Davis, W.N. (2013). Postpartum Depression and Perinatal Mood Disorders in the DSM. Postpartum Support International. Retrieved from www.postpartum.net.
[1] American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). VA: American Psychiatric Association
[1] Shapiro, G.D., Fraser, W.D., & Seguin, J.R. (2012). Emerging risk factors for postpartum depression: Serotonin transporter genotype and Omega-3 fatty acid status. CanJPsychiatry, 57(11), 704-712.
[1] Khajehei, M., Doherty, M., & Tilley, M. (2012). Assessment of Postnatal Depression Among Australian Lesbian Mothers During the First Year after Childbirth: A Pilot Study. International Journal of Childbirth Education, 27(4), 49-54
[1] Breese McCoy, S.J. (2012). Postpartum depression in men. In M. G.Rojas Castillo (Ed.) Perinatal Depression (p. 173-176.) Rijeka: InTech. Available from: : http://www.intechopen.com/books/perinatal-depression/postpartum-depression-in-men-
[1] APA (2013)
[1] APA (2013)
[1] Postpartum Support International (2018). Postpartum Psychosis. Retrieved from http://www.postpartum.net/learn-more/postpartum-psychosis/
[1] APA (2013)
[1] Shapiro, et al. (2013)
[i] American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (4th ed.) VA: American Psychiatric Association
[ii] Segre, L.S., & Davis, W.N. (2013). Postpartum Depression and Perinatal Mood Disorders in the DSM. Postpartum Support International. Retrieved from www.postpartum.net.
[iii] American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). VA: American Psychiatric Association
[iv] Shapiro, G.D., Fraser, W.D., & Seguin, J.R. (2012). Emerging risk factors for postpartum depression: Serotonin transporter genotype and Omega-3 fatty acid status. CanJPsychiatry, 57(11), 704-712.
[v] Khajehei, M., Doherty, M., & Tilley, M. (2012). Assessment of Postnatal Depression Among Australian Lesbian Mothers During the First Year after Childbirth: A Pilot Study. International Journal of Childbirth Education, 27(4), 49-54
[vi] Breese McCoy, S.J. (2012). Postpartum depression in men. In M. G.Rojas Castillo (Ed.) Perinatal Depression (p. 173-176.) Rijeka: InTech. Available from: http://www.intechopen.com/books/perinatal-depression/postpartum-depression-in-men-
[vii] APA (2013)
[viii] APA (2013)
[ix] Postpartum Support International (2018). Postpartum Psychosis. Retrieved from http://www.postpartum.net/learn-more/postpartum-psychosis/
[x] APA (2013)
by Andrew Neufeld | Aug 31, 2018 | Anxiety, Children, Communication, Counselling
It’s that time of year again; the time of year where summer ends, and kids are going back to school. I find that this time of year brings one of two primary reactions from parents:
“Hallelujah! They’re back in school and I can finally get things done around the house or at work again!”
Or
“Oh no, my babies are gone back to school! Are they going to be ok? How are they going to survive? What if they [insert any number of parental fears here]….”
Sometimes I wonder who has more anxiety during the return to school period – the kids, or the parents? Counselling for children during this time period can be very helpful, as can counselling for parents. What else is helpful as we prepare our kids for school?
One thing that’s clear, both in my personal experience (clinically, and with my own kids) is that our own emotional climate has a great effect on our kids’ emotional well-being as they return to school. If we are feeling anxious, chances are they’re going to pick up on it and join the anxiety party. If we’re calm, they may not join that party, but at least we’ll be in a position to help.
I get it. I hear your fears and anxieties as parents of young children. It’s normal to be anxious about this time of the year. So, what can we do to help our kids during this important transition? I’d like to offer four questions that we can ask our kids to open a conversation with them as they go back to school. I believe this dialogue will not only help their anxiety (which it will), but it will also build up the reservoir of empathy that is so needed, and strengthen your relationship with them.
1. How are you feeling about going back to school?
What is your greatest fear, and what are you most excited about? With this question, we’re inviting our children to share their emotional world with us, and at the same time, we’re making it explicit that it’s ok to have fears and it’s ok to be excited. We’re also introducing the idea that it’s possible to have both excitement and fear all at the same time! The psychobabble word for this validation.
By validating their excitement and their fears, we’re helping them feel known, accepted, and heard. This is the very basis of empathy, the greatest antidote to stress and existential anxiety. It’s the greatest tool we have with our children and their fight against their anxiety.
2. How do you feel when you’re in school?
What helps you enjoy the great parts and manage the hard parts? This question helps our child explore how they are doing during the school day when we’re not there. Research out of Yale University shows the importance of helping children have a “mood meter” throughout the day at school. It helps them understand their world as well as regulate their emotions. While specific techniques to manage mood are great, their research shows that simply paying attention to our emotions in a validating environment produces emotional benefits and helps students manage their emotions better in school and at home, all while reducing overall stress.
3. How do you feel during recess and lunch?
What are you looking forward to, and what might be more difficult? This question is a sneaky one. This is how we find out about their relationships at school and how they are doing with their peers. I don’t know about you, but if I ask my kids directly, “How are your relationships with your friends,” I’ll invariably receive an answer along the lines of, “Fine.” Or sometimes it’s, “I don’t know,” and finally, if I’m really lucky, I just get, “Dad! Stop butting in!”
If, however, we ask our kids how they are feeling during the times where they’re interacting socially with their peers, we’ll get a glimpse into their relationships. If they’re connecting well with other students we’ll likely get positive reports; if not, we might hear things like, “I’m bored,” or, “I’m lonely,” or, “I hate lunch.” This provides us with an opportunity to ask further questions, but now with a reason that the child has provided themselves. We can ask, “Wow, I’m sorry to hear you hate lunch and I’m curious what it is about lunch that isn’t going well?”
Sometimes, no matter how we ask, our children may not tell us what’s going on. If that’s the case, we can still get a win. Even if we can’t address that problem directly, at least we can provide empathy. If all else fails, we can still respond with, “Wow, I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time at lunch. I’m not sure how I can help, but I’m glad you told me.”
4. How do you feel when you get home?
What do you need after a day at school? This final question gives us a window into what our kids need after a long day of school, and believe me, the school day is long for our kids. Each kid is unique, however, and their needs after a day of school are wide and varied. Some kids need to run, some need a nap, some need a hug, some need…well, we’re not sure what. This is our chance to give our kids the opportunity to tell us what they need so we can help them get their need met.
It also provides us with a unique opportunity to connect in a meaningful way with our kids after their day and show that we’re interested in their world. It keeps us from simply yelling, “Don’t drop your jacket on the floor! Put your bag away! Take your shoes off, etc., etc.,” as our main way of connecting when they get in the door.
As parents, we can’t fix everything for our kids. We can’t solve all of their problems, but in this one question, we can at least begin to learn what they need after school so that we can help meet that need. If we can do this, we’ll help reduce their stress, which has many, many benefits for the kids.
It also has the net benefit that if we reduce their stress, give them opportunities to connect, our time with them will be less stressful, and they may actually be less likely to fling their backpacks across the room in frustration as soon as they open the door after school.
Our greatest job as parents
I hope this article is helpful as we all prepare for next week and the return to school. We all love our kids and we often feel like our job is to fix everything. I want to encourage us to focus on accepting our child’s answers to these questions and not let our own anxiety put us into “make it better mode.” If we fall prey to this, we do the opposite of what our kids need. Our kids need validation and empathy. The great thing is that in order to do this, all we need to do is listen and be with our kids. We don’t have to make it all better, because most of the time, the reality is that we can’t.
Need some help?
Parenting is tough, and this is a tough time of the year for everyone involved. If we can be of any help, please give us a call. This is the time of year is when counselling for children can be extremely helpful. We have a team of counsellors who love working with parents and kids and we’d love to be a resource for you.
by Alannah Mcintee | Jul 18, 2018 | Anxiety, Counselling, Depression, Stress
It is not uncommon to feel worried or stressed in our everyday lives. Occasionally we find ourselves taking on too much and feeling unsure if we can do it all. Other times we may dread going to work, meetings, or social events. However, at what point does every day worry or stress become anxiety?
Everyday stress and worry tend to be more contextual; meaning, you can compartmentalize whatever is going on for you, it is manageable, or it can be a motivating factor to get tasks done. Anxiety, however, can be exhausting, depressing, and ever-present no matter how hard you try not to let it bother you.
Anxiety is sneaky and can work its way into our lives in different ways. Some of us may have constant and high levels of worry about nothing specific, while others may only fear social events because they’re concerned about offending someone, being judged, or embarrassing themselves. Sometimes we might worry about leaving our home even if it’s to go shopping, go out for a meal, or run errands.
It can also feel very different for everyone. I have had people describe it like a drowning sensation that never really goes away, or feeling unable to concentrate on whatever is in front of them because they are so in their head. Some people may feel anxiety in their body through frequent headaches or stomachaches, or other physiological symptoms. It is difficult to generalize what anxiety feels like since it affects people in a wide variety of ways.
Nevertheless, there are a few questions to ask yourself if you are still not sure if anxiety has snuck into your lifei:
- Have I had panic attacks and worried about having more?
- Do I have trouble sleeping or concentrating because I am worried about something? Or because my mind won’t shut off?
- Do I go out of my way to avoid objects or situations that make me anxious?
- Do I feel anxious about things more often and more intensely than others around me?
- Am I fearful about being embarrassed in public?
- Do I get headaches, stomach aches, or other bodily sensations from feeling anxious?
If you find yourself relating to any of these questions, then don’t worry (just kidding!) but really, you’re not alone. Anxiety is the most common mental health difficulty that people live with. It affects 12% of British Columbian’s which works out to approximately 1 in 8 peopleii. Contrary to what we may think, however, it does not need to be “cured.” In fact, it should be embraced! Now you’re probably wondering, “Why the heck do I want to embrace something that causes me so much distress?” Embracing anxiety can be helpful for recognizing your emotions and triggers to feeling anxious and overwhelmed so you can develop a toolbox of coping mechanisms and skills to handle anxiety as it comes up in your life.
How can counselling help?
It can feel cathartic and be relieving to express your worries and fears to someone who can relate. Additionally, counsellors can help you to figure out how to develop a toolbox of skills to embrace anxiety! Tools vary from person to person, but some can include meditation, relaxation and breathing techniques, cognitive behavioural therapy, worksheets, art therapy, the list is endless! There is no “one-size-fits-all” approach to living with anxiety, living with it depends on you as a person and how you want to embrace it. If you are not sure about counselling and/or would still like to learn about embracing anxiety, then take a look at the resources below or give us a call!
Alannah McIntee is the one of two new interns at Alongside You. Studying at Adler University she has a keen interest in working with kids and we’re excited to have her on board!
Anxiety BC: www.anxietybc.com
Candian Mental Health Association: https://cmha.bc.ca
HealthLink BC: https://www.healthlinkbc.ca/health-topics/anxty
[i] Canadian Mental Health Association: British Columbia Division. (2013). Anxiety Disorders. Retrieved July 13, 2018, from https://cmha.bc.ca/documents/anxiety-disorders/#could I
[ii] Canadian Mental Health Association: British Columbia Division. (2013). Anxiety Disorders. Retrieved July 13, 2018, from https://cmha.bc.ca/documents/anxiety-disorders/#could i
by Andrew Neufeld | Jun 21, 2018 | Connection, Counselling
The Benefits of Online Counselling
The age of technology brings with it many benefits – one of them is counselling online. It has many real positives for clients, and this is why we were one of the first adopters of online counselling platforms, even prior to the start of Alongside You. I have used online platforms to provide counselling for many years, and it’s a wonderful, highly effective tool to use.
What are the benefits of online counselling? Here are a few reasons online counselling is a great tool for the profession, and for clients alike.
Location, Location, Location
Over the years I’ve worked with clients all across BC, Canada, and in the USA using an online platform. One of the things that I’ve become aware of is that in remote areas, finding a counsellor with the expertise in specific issues can be a real challenge. As you might imagine, a small town up in northern BC often does not have the same resources that we have here in Greater Vancouver. Online counselling can provide access to expertise that doesn’t exist in outlying areas.
Time is money
It can be a real challenge for clients to see a counsellor during work hours. We make sure we have our services available in the evenings and on weekends, but as you might imagine, those times are very popular and fill up fast.
Online counselling can help with this – instead of needing to take time off for travel, and the time of the appointment out of the workday, clients can see a counsellor on their lunch hour, or before or after work much more freely. What may have otherwise taken 3 hours out of a day, can take an hour. It can also happen in the comfort of your own home or your office without the needed travel time.
Did I Mention Location?
One challenge that many of my clients have had over the years is that they travel for work. If you have a job that requires a lot of travel, it can be very difficult to schedule appointments with the consistency needed for counselling. This is where online counselling can be very helpful; I’ve worked with many clients who use our online platform when they’re out of town so that we can keep up with our appointments even when we’re not in the same location.
Some Things To Know About Counselling Online
As with any form of treatment, there are certain things clients should be aware of and think about prior to engaging in this service. In the case of online counselling, here are a few things to be aware of and think about before you decide if it is right for you.
Security is important
Any time you’re dealing with health information, security is important. Not only are there legislative mandates and laws counsellors need to be following, there is also your personal comfort with how your information is transmitted. Unfortunately, many times I see counsellors using technology that is not secure for online counselling. The most common examples are Skype, Google Hangouts and Facetime. None of these platforms are secure, and in my opinion, should not be used for counselling purposes. The reality is that the counsellor cannot guarantee the security of your video call and information on these platforms.
True security is found on platforms that use end-to-end encryption. What this means, in simple terms, is that a lock is put on the data on your end (the client) and it can only be unlocked at the other end by the professional, and vice versa. Skype, Google Hangouts and Facetime do not offer this protection. They have some encryption protection, but it does not end to end so there is a possibility that someone in the middle could see or read the data.
The other issue is data storage. To comply with health privacy laws in BC, and in Canada, the technology must store all data on servers on Canadian soil. Again, Skype, Google Hangouts and Facetime do not do this. They store data on servers all over the world, including the USA where your data may be subject to the Patriot Act and read at any time by the US Government.
We use a HIPAA/PIPEDA compliant version of Zoom, which is set up so that it does not store any data, at any time and offers end-to-end encryption. Previously, we’ve used Medeo which is used by many doctors in BC because it also offers a platform that complies with the legislation and privacy laws.
The difficulty for many professionals is that these platforms cost a fair bit of money. My position, however, is that it’s not ethical to provide online counselling without the proper security in place and this is why we choose to spend this money in order to offer this service to clients. With online counselling at Alongside You, you can be assured that your data is secure and complies with all of the proper legislation.
How comfortable are you in an online environment?
Some people love video chats and calls and do it regularly with friends and family. Some people prefer in-person connections. Others enjoy of mix of both. Counselling is an intimate, sometimes intense process and it’s important to think about whether you’d feel comfortable with this in an online environment.
Another consideration along this vein is do you have a safe, private space to make the call in? One of the benefits of coming to a counselling office is that it is a private, safe space. If you’re doing the counselling online, you’ll need a space of your own that can provide this for you. Your sense of safety is of utmost importance.
How comfortable is the counsellor with online counselling?
Counselling online is different for counsellors as well! It’s important to know, and ask, whether the counsellor you’re seeing enjoys online counselling and feels that it’s an effective method for them professionally. Do they have a lot of experience doing online counselling, and is it a method they enjoy? Their comfort is also important and it’s okay to ask them these questions!
At Alongside You, we don’t ask any counsellors to provide online counselling if they don’t have the experience, or if they don’t enjoy the platform. The counsellors here provide online counselling because they enjoy it and find it to be effective for them, and for their clients.
Is it appropriate for me to do counselling online for the issues I’m dealing with?
For most issues, counselling online is perfectly appropriate. There are a few situations where you may want to think about whether it’s a good idea. First, if you are dealing with severe suicidal thoughts and other self-harm or risky behaviour, online counselling may not be for you. Your safety is key and online counselling may not provide the necessary safety and environment for this type of work. This is a good thing to discuss with your counsellor prior to engaging in online counselling, and throughout the process to make sure it’s a good fit.
Second, sometimes couples counselling can be difficult online. So much of the counselling with couples depends on the emotional and relational dynamics that it’s hard to do if everyone is not in the same room. Again, it truly depends on the comfort of the client, and the comfort of the therapist as to whether it’s appropriate in these cases.
Finally, if your therapy involves live experiences (such as exposure therapy) this may not be the best format for you. There are safety concerns, and also practicalities that may make exposure therapy and other in-vivo approaches challenging.
Internet Speed
This probably goes without saying, but I’ll mention it anyways. Online counselling requires a reasonable internet connection. It’s surprising how little speed it actually requires, but if you’re in an area that does not have decent internet service, online counselling may be a difficult thing. That being said, I’ve done it with clients in very remote areas, so even if you think it won’t work because of internet speed, it’s worth a try to find out!
Still have questions about counselling online?
Online counselling may be a brand new idea to you. I hope this article gives you a brief introduction to online counselling and things to think about. If you have any questions, or if you’d like to try it out to see if it’s a good fit for you please feel free to give us a call anytime, we’d love to hear from you!
by Andrew Neufeld | Jun 14, 2018 | Communication, Connection, Counselling, Depression, Mental Health
The deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, both by apparent suicide has the world reeling again. There have been numerous articles in response to this, calling for more mental health support, offering advice on how to reach out to loved ones, and more. One of my first thoughts was of how devastating substance abuse can be. I don’t know directly how much alcohol or drugs factored into the deaths of these two celebrities, but both had struggled with substances throughout their lives and it seems as though it likely influenced these most recent tragedies.
When we experience the death of a celebrity, a work colleague, a friend, or family member, one of the common struggles is wondering what could have been done? What if we’d just reached out more? What if we’d asked them how they were doing more? What if we’d encouraged them to get help more? The reality is that simply checking in on someone, or offering platitudes like, “Make sure you ask for help when you need it,” simply don’t work very often.
One of our staff pointed me to this article in which a group of friends held an intervention of sorts for a friend struggling with grief. What I appreciated about the article, from the perspective of the friend being intervened upon, was the comment that this approach could have easily backfired. This is very much true – it worked in her case, but on a different day, at a different time, or for any other number of reason the approach could have backfired. Still, she was grateful that they had intervened. So, here are some ways I’m going to suggest we can succeed in supporting friends when the stereotypical “reaching out” isn’t working.
Show Up
Most people struggling with mental health will tell you that it’s incredibly isolating. Isolation intensifies and worsens negative emotions and symptoms of mental health difficulties. It removes motivation, removes hope, and so much more. So, what this means is that when we ask, “Hey, how are you doing today? Have you gone outside for a walk? Is there anything I can do,” we are likely to hear, “I’m fine, it’s ok,” because giving any other answer requires motivation and hope, and effort, just like any other action on their part.
This is where we can show up. We know what our friends, family members, and loved ones need in general because it’s good for anyone: healthy food, going for walks, help with practical things in life. If we ask if we can do something for someone struggling, they’ll likely say no. If we show up and help, however, we are more likely to succeed, and more often than not, they will be grateful that we showed up and helped them.
Know Our People Well
In order to show up and be effective, we need to know what our friends, family members, or loved ones like, need, and long for. This requires us to know them well. It requires intimacy and vulnerability on both our parts, and we need to be working on this when times are good. If we rely on building this when things are bad, it will be incredibly difficult. There’s a tool I use when working with couples in therapy as we focus on building a foundation for their relationship and I think it can be helpful here. The Gottman Institute card decks are designed for couples, but they could easily be used for building interpersonal knowledge and intimacy in any relationship. The Love Maps and Open-Ended Questions card decks are particularly helpful for this – know that the language is geared for couples, but I’d love to see more of us using these in our other relationships. The more we know each other on a deeper level, the more we’ll be prepared to respond when someone is having a difficult time with mental health. We’ll know their wants, needs, desires, hopes, without even having to ask.
Be Willing To Take The Risk
Sometimes what we do as we try to help someone might backfire. If we show up unannounced to take someone for a walk because they can’t get out; if we show up with food and conversation when they can’t bring themselves to cook or to talk to anyone; if we show up and clean their house for them, these all may backfire. We might make them mad, we might embarrass them, we may even get the door slammed in our face.
We also might, just maybe, make the difference needed to help them move the next step forward, and they didn’t have to do it alone.
I often get asked the question, “What if I make things worse?” The reality is, it’s hardly possible to make things worse by showing empathy and love. For the sake of argument, even if we do, what then? Are they more depressed or more anxious? That’s a risk we need to be willing to take, and I can tell you that from my experience, it simply does not happen that way.
Get Help Yourself
Finally, if you try everything, you show up, you do for someone what they can’t do for themselves, and it’s not working, this is where a professional’s help can be a great asset. Trying to care for someone is difficult, especially when we don’t see results. It wears on us, it causes us distress, and we are now at greater risk for mental health difficulties ourselves. Sometimes we also just need an outside perspective from someone with experience with these issues. This is where a Registered Clinical Counsellor can be helpful in supporting you and providing outside insight into how you might help someone. RCC’s can also be helpful in connecting you or the person you’re concerned about with appropriate resources that may be helpful.
Don’t Give Up
Caring for someone who is struggling is hard. Don’t give up on them – try some of the strategies above, get some help for yourself if they won’t let you help them, and in case you missed it the first few times, don’t give up.
Feel free to contact us for help or counselling related matters. Our doors are always open.
by Andrew Neufeld | May 31, 2018 | Counselling, Guidance, Safety
When I sat down to write this, the first thing that came to mind was a poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, titled, “How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43).” The opening line says, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways,” and continues to explain in great detail, all the different ways the subject loves the other. This is how I feel about counselling and its importance – there is no simple way to summarize why counselling is important because, in my opinion, the importance of it is endless in usefulness and application. So, I’ll offer three reasons counselling is important to start the conversation off.
Reason #1: Safety
Many of us have wonderful families, friends, and colleagues. But, how often do we feel completely safe discussing our innermost difficulties, the things we’re struggling with, the things that we’re afraid of, or perhaps the things we’re ashamed of? The reasons people come to counselling are many, whether it’s anxiety, depression, addiction, relationships, or otherwise, sometimes we just can’t bring ourselves to talk about these things with the people we have in our inner circle.
This is one reason counselling is important – a place of safety. By coming and entering the counselling room, you are entering into a space that was set up specifically to provide safety; the ambiance of the room, the highly trained professionals ready to engage in dialogue, the confidentiality provided by the interaction, and more. If we are to wrestle with our deepest longings, we need to feel safe and this what counselling provides.
Reason #2: Empathy
Empathy is key to our wellbeing and our functioning. In order to feel safe and feel connected to others, we need empathy. This is different than sympathy, which I’ve covered in previous articles because sympathy drives connection away. Empathy is healing, change making, and supports the re-wiring of our brains.
Empathy helps us feel known, understood, and validated; many times, this is what is missing in our personal lives. Sometimes this is because we are not surrounded by people who are capable, or willing to provide this for us; other times, it’s because we’re not in a place personally where we’re able to open ourselves to this possibility and this is where the skill of the counsellor comes in. Through counselling, we can experience empathy in a 1:1 relationship with the counsellor, evaluate our relationships, and if there are things preventing us from accepting empathy from others, work through these things will a skilled professional.
Reason #3: Guidance
When I went through my clinical training, one thing that was impressed upon us is that we’re not here to give advice. While I don’t disagree that this is not our primary function, I do disagree that we never do this. Sometimes counsellors are there to give advice. Depending on the client’s cultural background, they may actually be quite frustrated by not getting advice at times. What a counsellor is more apt to do on a regular basis, however, is to give guidance. Sometimes it’s guidance on a specific issue (i.e. school counselling, career counselling), and sometimes the guidance is in the form of a sounding board, offering alternatives to how the client is thinking about different issues.
Sometimes the guidance is more pointed – in my work I often see clients who have been through the various mental health systems without success and my clinical expertise and knowledge of the system is helpful in navigating next steps in looking for treatment and recovery.
Conclusion
As I mentioned at the beginning, this is just scratching the surface of why counselling is important, but I hope it’s a good introduction for you. In future articles, we’ll explore in specific detail how counselling is important for specific issues. If you have any questions about this, feel free to send us a message through the contact form and we’ll be happy to answer your question in a future article.
