Hope: All the Light I Could Not See
We’re deeply honoured that S has chosen to share part of her healing journey and what EMDR has meant for her, even 70 years after a profoundly painful event in her life. It’s an incredible act of trust—and a privilege we don’t take lightly. Thank you, S!
In the Spring of 2022, I was diagnosed in a pain clinic with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and the clinic’s Psychologist encouraged me that EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) would be worth pursuing.
I contacted Alongside You, and soon was paired with Kathryn Priest-Peries, a Registered Clinical Counsellor and Registered Social Worker who offered EMDR sessions.
Talk therapy was helpful in my past to deal with my mental health issues and abusive relationships, but having a skilled, experienced therapist use this light therapy (and talk therapy as well) was life-changing for me. Over time, it has explained so much of my life’s journey to me.
My first two appointments with this experienced, caring therapist at Alongside You were about reliving my life’s journey, in which she assessed me.
As a little 4-year-old girl, along with my 7-year-old sister, I was present at the scene where our 9-year-old brother had a tragic accident, which took his life. He was the oldest child in our family. Back then, as an adult, every time I talked about my brother, I cried, and after my EMDR sessions, I understood why. It was indeed PTSD. The memory of seeing him writhing in pain was just as vivid 70 years later.
The painful, hard work began weekly. I expected and was mentally prepared to accept it, but I learned far more than I could have imagined. New feelings I hadn’t been aware of were exposed. They were terrified and alone, and the tears came in abundance. Our family life had changed completely, and as a child, I thought I must have been at fault for something; for one thing, my mother was no longer affectionate. Since my father drove the farm machinery that caused the accident, I carried the guilt I thought he must have felt, or I thought he did. After all, I saw him carrying my brother in his arms and taking him to the hospital.
Fortunately, I escaped the substance abuse addiction of so many with a trauma history, but I had a different addiction. All my life, I tried to figure out how to make myself feel better when I felt others were hurting or sick. Thus, I may have learned to be compassionate and kind, but at times it was unwanted, and it also caused me to feel pain I didn’t need to carry. I suffered from anxiety disorder and depression off and on.
After working through the weeks of EMDR, it was clear to me what I had done, and all of a sudden, I felt much freer. Others noticed, including my daughter, how much I had changed in a short time.
I understand that EMDR is considered a very effective treatment for PTSD, and I agree. What I can say is that it possibly works well if you are willing to deal with mental pain and ready to work through it.
After a month of therapy, I told Kathryn the vision I now had of my brother was him lying at rest alongside my parents and grandparents, and I knew he was safe and not in pain. The scene of the cemetery I had of a dusty, windy place wasn’t the same. My visit to that place a few years before this therapy was to a green, serene, beautiful place, which is what I now see. He is lying safe and pain-free beside his family. My new memory of his last time with us changed thanks to the work of the EMDR sessions, and I do not cry every time I speak of Freddie*. Kathryn told me the therapy was working and doing what it is meant to do.
On occasion, I slip back to old habits. Now, I know that although my old thoughts are still there, my response can be and is different. I am grateful to access appointments with Kathryn because of the Step Forward Program. I still struggle, and the little girl surfaces, but help is available for my situation and is also affordable. EMDR has been a life-changing, invaluable experience, and I am forever grateful. In fact, we still use it in some sessions today.
– S
*Names have been modified to uphold the client’s privacy, as well as their family’s.
If you would like help on your own journey of healing, please connect with us. We’re here to help and it really can feel better, even decades later.
