by Marcia Moitoso | Jan 24, 2019 | Emotional, Encouragement, Positive
Seems counterintuitive right? How could it be that those seemingly irrational, often painful internal reactions (emotions) have any business in the world of rational decision making?
Many of us have accepted the tradition of believing that reason is the best guide to decision making and that emotions are a nuisance that needs to either be controlled or vented to get them out of the way of higher rational thinking.1
The truth is that we’re all much smarter than our intellects alone!1 Our emotions are a big part of the reason our species has survived for so long. Rational thinking helps us to thrive, but without emotions, we wouldn’t survive.2
For example, as Marsha Linehan, the founder of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy says, “if you decided to never feel afraid again, you’d end up dead pretty fast.”3 You wouldn’t know to avoid dark alleys that seem dangerous. Your rational mind may have heard some news reports on muggings in dark alleys, but without your fear response, you’d be unlikely to apply those warnings into your own life. First, if you feel some fear when listening to the news reports on dark alleys, your brain integrates the warning into memory much quicker and much more effectively than a piece of information that doesn’t generate any emotion. Second, when you approach the dark alley, you might feel some feeling in your gut or a physical instinct to run away from it. This is your fear emotion popping up to quickly remind you to stay away from an important source of potential danger. Once you feel that sensation in your gut or that urge to run, you can then integrate it with your rational thought (which happens much slower than your emotion brain) and determine whether it’s best to go through the dark alleyway or to go around it.
Humans are wired to integrate both emotional guidance with rational thinking. The trouble is that in Western culture, we’ve been taught to dismiss the important messages our emotions send us.
The Middle Path: Integrating Emotion with Rationality
Think of yourself on a canoe, travelling down the river. Over by the right bank of the river are the rapids (your emotion brain) and over by the left side, the river is really shallow (your rational brain). If you veer into the left, rational side of the river, you become reefed and your boat can’t go anywhere. But if you veer into the right side of the river you move too fast and out of control because you’re caught in the rapids! Dan Siegel calls these the “chaos and rigidity banks.”2
Life on the Rigidity Bank
We get stuck on the rigidity bank because without emotions we wouldn’t be motivated to do anything.
Think of the word E-motion – emotions move and guide us. “E” stands for energy, and motion directs us to act on our feelings. Some feelings are full of energy, like anger or fear. These high energy emotions guide us to act to protect ourselves or someone we care about. Other feelings like sadness or shame are very low energy. They guide us to pull back and take time to determine what our next steps should be in the face of a painful situation like losing a loved one. Emotions help us to determine what we need in each moment. The more we understand what we feel and how to move through those feelings, the more likely we can befriend our feelings and allow them to integrate into our everyday rational life.
Furthermore, to stay on the rigidity bank, we have to push our emotions aside, and I’m sure many of us have experienced the way emotions tend to come back with a vengeance when we haven’t listened to them. Life stuck on the rigidity bank simply isn’t realistic long-term, there’s nowhere to go. 1, 2
The Life of the Chaos Bank
On the other hand, if we’re caught in the rapids, we may have a sense of what we need but it’s much harder to determine how to responsibly execute it in a way that will be beneficial to us and to others.2
Remember the question of whether or not to go through the dark alley? If we’re stuck on the chaos bank, then we might run away and panic and have no idea why. When we veer back toward the centre of the river, we can remember some of the reasons that we might have felt that fear and then we can take a look around and determine how to feel safe again.
Floating Down the Centre of the River: Integration
The key to integrating our emotion mind with our rational mind is to remember to take a step back and give ourselves some time. Our emotion mind will tell us what we are needing in the situation, and our rational mind will remind us of what’s realistic.1,2
How to Practice Integrating Emotion and Reason
Take a moment right now to be curious about what you’re feeling in your body; maybe you feel some tightness in your chest, some heaviness in your eyes or even a pit in your stomach. That’s where your emotions are sitting. In other words, when you have a “gut feeling,” your body is trying to tell you something important and you need to take a moment to listen to it.1
It might be really uncomfortable at first, but if you start noticing what’s happening in your body at any given time, you’ll also start having a better sense of how you really feel in a situation. Once you can name what’s going on it your body, you can then name your emotion. Once you have your emotion, you can start to make sense of it an decide what to do with it. That’s where your reason comes in. The magic is in the integration.1,7
This is tough work that you don’t have to do alone. A Registered Clinical Counsellor can help you to figure out how to integrate your emotion and rational mind in a way that makes sense for you. It’s also a great idea to get into the practice of regularly scanning your body for sensations. This makes it easier to know what you’re feeling at moments where it really counts.1,9
Just as Mister Rogers said,
“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”
When we begin to attend to our emotional sensations, we can start to name them. When we can name them, we can learn to manage them and integrate them into our decision making to help us live a balanced life.
To get started, check out some free online guided body scans can be found here:
If you’d like some help moving forward with integrating your emotions, contact us and give us a call. We’d be happy to sit down with you.
References
- Greenberg, L.S. (2015). Emotion-Focused Therapy: Coaching Clients to Work Through Their Feelings. American Psychological Association: Washington DC.
- Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P.(2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. New York: Random House.
- Linehan, M. (2018). DBT Skills. Retrieved from https://app.psychwire.com/courses/c2629l/course
- Living Well (2018). Body Scan. https://www.livingwell.org.au/mindfulness-exercises-3/6-body-scan/
- Neff, K. (2018). Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/
- Rogers, F., & Neville, M. (2018). Won’t You Be My Neighbor? Tremolo Productions:
- Thiruchselvan, R., Hajcak, G., & Gross, J.J (2012). Looking inward: Shifting attention within working memory representations alters emotional responses. Psychological Science, 23(12). https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797612449838
- Yip, J.A., & Cote, S. (2013). The emotionally intelligent decision maker: Emotion-understanding ability reduces the effect of incidental anxiety on risk-taking. Psychological Science, 24(1). https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797612450031
- Goleman, D. (2017). How emotionally self-aware are you? Mindful, 36. Retrieved from https://www.mindful.org/emotionally-self-aware/
by Marcia Moitoso | Oct 19, 2018 | Anxiety, Communication, Counselling
In my previous blog post, I talked a bit about what social anxiety is and the many strengths that people prone to social anxiety often show. I recommend reading that post first, but as a little re-cap, people who develop social anxiety are often highly compassionate, conscientious and creative. They tend to feel deeply which can either lead to anxiety or an ability to creatively explore their world with curiosity. What often stands in the way of the ability to creatively explore their world is an intense fear that they are not good enough. If you’re struggling with social anxiety, I’d like to offer some strategies to move past that fear while maintaining your many strengths!
How to Hold on to the Good Traits of Social Anxiety and Work Towards Growth
Get out of your own head and turn your attention outward
When we feel socially anxious, we tend to turn inward and start monitoring ourselves. Thoughts like “why did I just say that,” or “what if I just offended her,” circle around and around in our heads and take up all of our mental energy so we often then freeze and can’t think of anything to say.
When you notice this happening, turn your attention outward. Focus on who you’re talking to and listen closely to what they’re saying. This takes our focus away from what we think we’ve done wrong and frees up our mental capacity to be able to engage in the conversation with natural curiosity. Studies show that doing this dramatically increases a person’s likability, and also combats our fears.
Expose yourself to social situations and allow confidence to catch up with you
Don’t wait until you feel ready to give that toast or attend that party! Usually, when we start doing something, our mood follows – you’re more adaptable than you think. If it doesn’t go well the first time, keep practicing. If you persevere, the skill and confidence will catch up with you.
This allows you to refute the two lies your anxiety is telling you:
- The worst-case scenario will definitely happen
- You can’t handle what life throws at you
When we face social fears, we learn that we can live through it and it’s never as bad as we think.
tip: sign up for an introductory improv class. In improv, there is no script and you’re put in a situation where you’re forced to make mistakes in front of others. Sounds terrifying right? I thought so too so I tried it at the height of my social anxiety and it ended up being surprisingly safe. At first, it was embarrassing but then I realized everyone was being embarrassed too. Improv helps us to develop the skills to navigate unstructured social situations that cause anxiety in the real world.
If you drink at a social engagement, do it because you want to, not because you have to
A lot of people drink to make themselves feel more confident in social engagements; after all, it is called “liquid courage.” The problem is that if you do have a good time while drinking, the tendency is to give the alcohol the credit, not you. In reality, that person who was having a good time navigating an otherwise anxiety-provoking situation was you without inhibition. You have that confidence within yourself and you can access it with practice; in facing your fears, you don’t need the alcohol.
Dare to Be Average (Dr. David Burns)
A lot of anxiety comes from our belief that we need to be perfect in social situations. We believe that if we stumble over our words or pause in a conversation, people will see our flaws and reject us. There’s a whole list of “musts” that come with that belief:
“I must be entertaining”
“I must sound smart”
“I must carry the conversation for both of us”
Everyone pauses in conversations, loses their train of thought and says something awkward from time to time; it makes us human and it’s endearing. Dr. David Burns encourages us to “dare to be average.” He reminds us that people are attracted to people who own their averageness because most of us are average. It’s relatable, it’s honest and it’s human. As Dr. Kristin Neff says, “we’re all on this long, awkward journey together.” If you’ve experienced an embarrassing moment, a million other people have had that same embarrassing moment – you’re not alone.
Create a structure for yourself in social engagements
Simon Thompson and Ronald M. Rapee (2002) found that in structured social interactions, people with social anxiety showed a much higher level of social skill than in unstructured social engagements. Dealing with the unpredictable creates anxiety for many people so next time you’re in an anxiety-provoking social setting, create a structure for yourself. Dr. Hendricks suggests giving yourself little missions at parties such as taking to 3 people you don’t know and finding out as much as you can about them. This creates some predictability and some direction in the social interaction.
Dr. Hendrickson’s Tips for Making New friendships
a) Repetition – Show up!
It takes an average of 6 hangouts for someone to consider a person a friend. Many people with social anxiety become discouraged when they work up the courage to go to a social engagement and don’t come away with a new friend. But in reality, this almost never happens for anyone. The way to make new friends is to keep showing up and to see the same people over and over again. Some options might be joining a fitness class with consistent members, dropping the kids off at school and saying hello to the same parents each day or going to a café at the same time each day.
b) Self-disclosure
Many people with social anxiety have trouble talking about themselves for a variety of reasons that may feel really valid after past hurts. Dr. Hendrickson urges us to push through and to gradually share a bit about what you think, feel and do with a person you want to be friends with. Friendships are reciprocal, so gradually the other person will begin to share about themselves as well. People are generally interested in what the world looks like from another’s point of view.
c) Just be kind
Many people think they need to appear confident and competent in order to make friends. In reality, people are drawn to warmth, kindness and trustworthiness. You don’t have to appear confident, just be nice and curious.
Practice self-compassion
Shame feeds social anxiety, but if you can think about yourself in the same way you’d think about another person you care about, it will help you to forgive yourself when you make a social blunder that feels so painful and isolating. Dr. Kristin Neff has an amazing website full of free exercises to help build self-compassion. My favourite is the self-compassion break which is a guided mindfulness exercise that takes only 5 minutes.
Find the exercises here: https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#exercises
Counselling
Social anxiety can be completely unbearable and painful and so it can be hard to take any of the above steps on your own. A counsellor can help work with you, at a pace that feels safe for you, to remove the blocks of shame and fear that are inhibiting you from living the life you want to live. If you’re struggling, please don’t hesitate to reach out to a counsellor who can help you with this. You’re too important to deprive the world of getting to know you!
Sources
Burns, D. D. (2008). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Harper: New York.
Hendrickson, E. (2018). How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. St. Martin’s Press: New York.
Moscovitch, D. A. (2009). What Is the Core Fear in Social Phobia? A New Model to Facilitate Individualized Case Conceptualization and Treatment. Cognitive and Behavioural Practice, 16, 123-124. Available from https://uwaterloo.ca/psychology/sites/ca.psychology/files/uploads/files/moscovitch_2009.pdf
Neff, K. (2018). Self Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/
Richards, T. A. (2018). What is social anxiety? Social Anxiety Institute. Retrieved from https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/what-is-social-anxiety
Thompson, S., & Rapee, R. M. (2002). The effect of situational structure on the social performance of socially anxious and non-anxious participants. Journal of Behaviour Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 33(2), 91-102. DOI: 10.1016/S0005-7916(02)00021-6 ·
by Marcia Moitoso | Oct 11, 2018 | Anxiety, Counselling
Social anxiety is an intense fear about one or more social situations. It can be generalized to all social situations, or it can be activated in specific situations, such as having a conversation, meeting new people, being observed while eating, drinking, walking, etc., or performing in front of others, such as giving a speech or speaking in front of a class. According to the Social Anxiety Institute, social anxiety is the third largest mental health care condition in the world today. So, if you’re dealing with social anxiety and feeling alone, statistics show that you’re not; at least 7% of the population is right there with you!
Dr. David Moscovitch, a Clinical Psychologist at the University of Waterloo, discovered that social anxiety is more than just a fear of being embarrassed. Rather, it’s an urge to cover up a perceived flaw. People with social anxiety believe that something is fatally wrong with them that makes them socially undesirable, and they fear that this perceived flaw will be seen by others. Finally, they believe that when this flaw is discovered by others, they’ll be humiliated and rejected.
Here’s an example of a situation that someone with social anxiety might find themselves in, and their thought process:
Joe is an average guy, but he believes he’s really boring and that if people found out how boring he is, they won’t like him. One day while Joe was talking to his friend Martin there is a long pause in the conversation. Now, long pauses in conversation with people we’re comfortable with are pretty normal! In this case, however, Joe perceives the long pause as an awkward silence, and believes that the awkward silence confirms his worst suspicions that he is boring and at fault for the awkwardness. His brain became flooded with thoughts about how Martin must be noticing and judging Joe as a boring person, who he’d rather not be friends with. Joe’s mind is filled with even more anxiety, and he can’t think of what to say to Martin. It’s so overwhelming that he can’t bear the idea of being placed in this situation again where he might be judged as boring, so he proceeds to avoid social interactions as much as possible. In reality, Martin didn’t think Joe was boring, and he wasn’t judging him, he was lost in his own train of thought and didn’t think much of the “awkward” silence at all.
This is why Dr. Moscovitch stresses that Joe’s fatal flaw only exists in Joe’s mind. He perceives himself to be boring, and so finds information in the conversation to confirm that his perception is true. People with social anxiety are extra sensitive to social blunders, to the point where they often believe they’re the only ones who make them. The truth is that social blunders are part of what makes us human. Everyone is boring some of the time, we all trip over our words and we all have awkward moments. As Dr. Ellen Hendrickson states in her book How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, “nothing is wrong with you, it’s just the blemishes of being a person.”
While it’s normal for everyone to feel socially self-conscious from time to time, “social anxiety is like self-consciousness on steroids”, as Dr. Hendrickson says – it’s a big and heavy feeling, and often very tricky to work around. Because of this, people who have social anxiety are often quite distressed and unable to function as fully in their lives as they’d like. When self-consciousness reaches this level of social anxiety, most people benefit from getting help with regulating it.
How Does Social Anxiety Work?
Social anxiety works in a cycle of fear and avoidance. People begin to avoid the social interactions that make them feel anxious because the anxiety they feel is so painful and unbearable. They understandably want to protect themselves from the trauma of feeling rejected or inadequate. Unfortunately, avoiding social situations only makes things worse because when we’re not interacting with our source of fear, the fear increases and becomes much scarier. On top of that, when we avoid certain social situations we’re also unable to practice the social skills necessary to get through them and the associated anxieties. When we feel we don’t have the necessary skills for something, we continue to avoid it and the cycle of fear and avoidance continues.
Are There Good Things About Social Anxiety?
Many people with social anxiety believe there’s something wrong with them and want to change their personality altogether. They often believe that the opposite of social anxiety is confidence. In her book, Dr. Ellen Hendrickson points out that people with social anxiety tend to have a lot of desirable traits. They’re so anxious because they desperately want to connect, and so are sensitive to the needs of others to such an extreme that it becomes a fault. In fact, psychopathy; not confidence, is the opposite of social anxiety.
People with social anxiety tend to be very conscientious, compassionate and caring, open to new experiences and agreeable. They have all the traits that would make a person socially desirable, they merely are inhibited by fear and an excess of shame. It’s, therefore, best to work through social anxiety by removing the fear and developing confidence on top of the amazing characteristics that are already there! It’s a process of learning to be yourself without fear. Dr. Hendrickson points out that your true self is the self you are without fear. Think about the person you are when you’re most comfortable, maybe when you’re with a pet or with a person you trust or doing an activity you enjoy. That’s who your real self is, and that person is lovable and worthy of connection.
How Can We Move Past Fear and Shame and Live the Life We Want?
My next blog post will detail eight strategies for working through social anxiety. In the meantime, I recommend picking up Dr. Ellen Hendrickson’s book How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. It is also a great idea to talk to a counsellor and see how you can work together to come up with a plan to work towards quieting that inner critic. For any question, feel free to contact us.
Sources
Burns, D. D. (2008). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Harper: New York.
Hendrickson, E. (2018). How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. St. Martin’s Press: New York.
Moscovitch, D. A. (2009). What Is the Core Fear in Social Phobia? A New Model to Facilitate Individualized Case Conceptualization and Treatment. Cognitive and Behavioural Practice, 16, 123-124. Available from https://uwaterloo.ca/psychology/sites/ca.psychology/files/uploads/files/moscovitch_2009.pdf
Neff, K. (2018). Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/
Richards, T. A. (2018). What is social anxiety? Social Anxiety Institute. Retrieved from https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/what-is-social-anxiety
Thompson, S., & Rapee, R. M. (2002). The effect of situational structure on the social performance of socially anxious and non-anxious participants. Journal of Behaviour Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 33(2), 91-102. DOI: 10.1016/S0005-7916(02)00021-6 ·
by Marcia Moitoso | Sep 13, 2018 | Counselling, Depression, Stress
Over the past two decades, we have seen a steady rise in media attention covering Postpartum Depression (PPD). This is partly because the psychiatric community officially recognized PPD as a distinct condition in the mid-90s [i] and partly because of celebrities who have started to talk about their experiences with postpartum depression. And yes, you read that correctly, although there are abundant records of women talking about their experiences with maternal mental illness from the early 1800s to the present, it only started being recognized as a distinct mental illness in the 1990s[ii]. As you might imagine, the result is that the science, the literature and the media reporting are all a bit behind. Luckily, with organizations such as Postpartum Support International (PSI), the science is finally starting to catch up and hopefully, that means the media and our social perceptions of maternal mental health will too.
What is Postpartum Depression?
Postpartum depression is often used as an umbrella term for all maternal mental health conditions, but in reality, there are a number of maternal mental health conditions that are distinct and vary in terms of severity, duration and characterization. All of these conditions tend to get jumbled up together in the media which is confusing for those who have PPD, as well as their loved ones. So, let’s break it down.
The technical term for postpartum depression is a Major Depressive Episode with Peripartum Onset. What that mouthful of jargon basically means is that PPD can be understood as a depressive episode that lasts a minimum of 2 weeks and is characterized by depressed mood, insomnia or hypersomnia, fatigue, feeling worthless, low interest in pleasurable activities and having thoughts of suicide[iii]. If you read my last blog post about the Baby Blues, you might note here that PPD is very different from the Baby Blues. Baby Blues are a normal part of giving birth where most mothers experience a drop in the mood right after giving birth for a short period of time. PPD not only last longer but is more severe. About 15% of new mothers experience PPD as opposed to 85% of mothers who get the Baby Blues[iv][v]. And while this distinction is important, keep in mind that whether you have the Baby Blues or PPD, you can absolutely get treatment, you don’t have to wait and see if it’s severe enough. Every person’s experience is different, and you deserve help. Do yourself a favour and check in with your doctor, midwife and/or therapist to see how they can support you to feel like yourself again.
Men experience PPD too. A growing body of research has shown that roughly 5% of new fathers experience PPD which comes as no surprise because mothers and fathers both endure the many new stressors like lack of sleep, way more responsibilities and demands put of their plate, and feelings of failure and inadequacy often associated with bringing a baby home[vi].
I won’t go too far into the causes of PPD here but if you ever want to talk about them, my door Alongside You is always open.
I’ve spoken to a lot of mothers and fathers who were very confused about the way their PPD presented itself. Interestingly, PPD might look different from what we might think of as a typical episode of depression. A lot of people with PPD have reported either anger or anxiety as their primary symptoms[vii]. Some experience periods of elevated energy and racing thoughts where they’re unable to sleep and can’t stop cleaning. Many also report panic attacks[viii]. While these responses may feel scary at the time, they are normal and can be helped with a number of different therapies that I will get into at the end of this article.
Overcoming Stigmas and Getting Help
Experts agree that PPD is underdiagnosed, primarily because those who endure it often feel too ashamed to seek help. There’s a common misconception that PPD is associated with infanticide which is simply not true. Those over-reported cases of infanticide are not cases of PPD, they are cases of severe psychosis with peripartum onset. Unlike depression, psychosis is characterized by delusions and hallucinations[ix]. And even if a parent does show signs of psychosis with peripartum onset, it is incredibly rare that these delusions will lead to infanticide[x]. I can’t stress enough how rare that is.
New parents are often under a lot of stress and experience intrusive thoughts. When a person’s brain is in an anxious state, it’s common for their mind to go to the worst possible thing they could do (as if you weren’t stressed enough already…). This happens to all of us. Sometimes when I’m driving up the Sea to Sky highway, my brain imagines veering my car off the cliff. Of course, I will never do that, but my brain plays some pretty wild tricks sometimes, just like yours might when you’re under a lot of stress and your baby is still crying.
The main danger with PPD is that the stigmas that result from those sensationalized media stories keep many new parents from reaching out for help. As a result, suicide (not infanticide) is the greatest risk associated with PPD.
What can Help Postpartum Depression
As I mentioned at the start of this blog, science is catching up and we now have many treatments to choose from for PPD. Some find antidepressants helpful, like one woman said, “the me I was used to re-appeared after medication.” Other treatments include infant sleep interventions, massage therapy and relaxation, increasing Omega-3 intake (fish, nuts, seeds, healthy oils), spiritual practices, yoga, bright light therapy and, of course, counselling (individual and couples counselling are both helpful). For most new parents, a combination of any of these above methods works best.
I’ll leave you with a simple and accurate quote from a mother I recently spoke with who had PPD – “Let people help, they want to.”
We’d love to help, if you’ll let us. Give us a call at the office, or contact us through our contact page and we’ll be happy to talk to you about how we might be of help!
Some books that have been helpful to others:
- Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness: Mom Stories from the Trenches: A Second Edition Monkey Star Press Anthology (What Is a Mother to Do? Adventures in Motherhood and Mayhem) – by: Lisa Nolan, et al.
- When Postpartum Packs a Punch: Fighting Back and Finding Joy – by: Kristina Cowan
- Tokens of Affection: Reclaiming Your Marriage After Postpartum Depression 1st Edition -by: Karen Kleiman, Amy Wenzel
- The Birth Partner: Everything you Need to Know to Help a Woman through Childbirth – by: Penny Simkin
References:
American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (4th ed.) VA: American Psychiatric Association
[1] Segre, L.S., & Davis, W.N. (2013). Postpartum Depression and Perinatal Mood Disorders in the DSM. Postpartum Support International. Retrieved from www.postpartum.net.
[1] American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). VA: American Psychiatric Association
[1] Shapiro, G.D., Fraser, W.D., & Seguin, J.R. (2012). Emerging risk factors for postpartum depression: Serotonin transporter genotype and Omega-3 fatty acid status. CanJPsychiatry, 57(11), 704-712.
[1] Khajehei, M., Doherty, M., & Tilley, M. (2012). Assessment of Postnatal Depression Among Australian Lesbian Mothers During the First Year after Childbirth: A Pilot Study. International Journal of Childbirth Education, 27(4), 49-54
[1] Breese McCoy, S.J. (2012). Postpartum depression in men. In M. G.Rojas Castillo (Ed.) Perinatal Depression (p. 173-176.) Rijeka: InTech. Available from: : http://www.intechopen.com/books/perinatal-depression/postpartum-depression-in-men-
[1] APA (2013)
[1] APA (2013)
[1] Postpartum Support International (2018). Postpartum Psychosis. Retrieved from http://www.postpartum.net/learn-more/postpartum-psychosis/
[1] APA (2013)
[1] Shapiro, et al. (2013)
[i] American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (4th ed.) VA: American Psychiatric Association
[ii] Segre, L.S., & Davis, W.N. (2013). Postpartum Depression and Perinatal Mood Disorders in the DSM. Postpartum Support International. Retrieved from www.postpartum.net.
[iii] American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). VA: American Psychiatric Association
[iv] Shapiro, G.D., Fraser, W.D., & Seguin, J.R. (2012). Emerging risk factors for postpartum depression: Serotonin transporter genotype and Omega-3 fatty acid status. CanJPsychiatry, 57(11), 704-712.
[v] Khajehei, M., Doherty, M., & Tilley, M. (2012). Assessment of Postnatal Depression Among Australian Lesbian Mothers During the First Year after Childbirth: A Pilot Study. International Journal of Childbirth Education, 27(4), 49-54
[vi] Breese McCoy, S.J. (2012). Postpartum depression in men. In M. G.Rojas Castillo (Ed.) Perinatal Depression (p. 173-176.) Rijeka: InTech. Available from: http://www.intechopen.com/books/perinatal-depression/postpartum-depression-in-men-
[vii] APA (2013)
[viii] APA (2013)
[ix] Postpartum Support International (2018). Postpartum Psychosis. Retrieved from http://www.postpartum.net/learn-more/postpartum-psychosis/
[x] APA (2013)
by Marcia Moitoso | Jul 4, 2018 | Baby Blues, Depression, Mental Health
Understanding the Baby Blues
The transition into parenthood can be a time full of tender and beautiful moments, and it can also be a time of immense difficulty. On social media, we see a lot of those beautiful moments, but we don’t typically see the difficult ones. Many parents are then caught off guard and may even feel isolated and ashamed for the difficulties and alterations in their own mental health that can come with childbirth. While conversations about the beauty are important, it’s also crucial to talk about the difficulties.
About 85% of mothers experience the Baby Blues, which is a period after giving birth where mothers and some fathers experience profound sadness and anxiety. Baby Blues typically lasts 2 weeks to one month as women’s hormone levels slowly return to their baseline. These perinatal hormonal imbalances can often affect a woman’s ability to respond to stress for a variety of biological reasons. On top of the physiological changes, there’s also an unimaginable number of new stressors that new parents may have never dealt with before.
Imagine if you were a lawyer for several decades, you were great at your job and thought of yourself as competent. All of a sudden, you were then thrown into a job as a chef at a high-level restaurant and everyone immediately expected you to know exactly what you were doing and to perform perfectly and instinctually. You may have read some books on cooking, but you find the high paced kitchen overwhelming and can’t always remember what you read when stressful situations arise, yet you feel ashamed for not immediately knowing how to adjust to this completely new career. That seems like a pretty unreasonable expectation for others to put on you and for you to put on yourself. Presumably, you would need a period of someone showing you how to do the job, you’d need support from your partner and friends with the stress of taking on a new career and you’d need time to eventually allow your own personality and creativity to catch up with the learning curve.
It’s not difficult to understand the need for a time of transition in a drastic career change, and yet, we as a society ignore this need for most parents new, especially women; we assume that parenthood and bonding with a new baby just come naturally and easily. In reality, new parents are often overwhelmed by the anxiety of not knowing what their baby needs at first and they need time to learn. Breastfeeding may be incredibly difficult and your baby might never take to it. Contrary to popular opinion on social media, that is okay! Fed is best, any way you can make that happen makes you a superhero whether it’s breastfeeding or formula.
During this transition, relationships may also become strained. Partners often need to re-establish new roles now as co-parents which can take time and can be challenging at first. Some co-parents may find themselves pulling away from each other due to the stress of not sleeping, having less alone time and trying to figure out this new role. This relationship strain can be a particularly harmful consequence because new parents really need support, especially during the period of baby blues.
How can counselling help the Baby Blues?
Relationship counselling can be really helpful during the perinatal period. During pregnancy, new parents can prepare for their shifting roles through the counselling process and determine how to best support each other when their new family member comes along. It can also be helpful to seek/continue relationship counselling after the baby is born for the same reasons.
Similarly, mothers and fathers can also benefit from individual counselling, where they can learn to draw on their personal strengths to develop coping methods and better understand what their emotions are telling them. These skills derived in counselling can help new parents to best support themselves, their partners and their new baby as they embark on this new life transition that is both wonderful and stressful.
It is important to remember the phrase, “it takes a village to raise a child.” You don’t have to do all of this on your own and there is so much strength in reaching for help.
This post has been about the Baby Blues, which is different from postpartum depression in terms of length and severity. My next post will address postpartum depression, what to look for and how to find help.
Marcia Moitoso is the one of two new interns at Alongside You. Studying at Adler University she has a keen interest in reproductive mental health and we’re excited to have her on board!
